The Heart's Ashes
Page 42
“I don’t want to hear this.” I shook my head and went to stand.
“No—” Jason landed beside me, a gentle hand to my shoulder. “I’ve come to you, so many times, to tell you this. But, I didn’t want to scare you.”
“That’s ridiculous, Jason. I have a right to be scared of you.”
“I know.” He dropped his hand. “I know. But I, I won’t hurt you. I promise.”
“Your promises mean nothing to me.”
“Just sit back down. Please?”
Shaking my head at myself, I plonked back on the grass. “Why would you want to tell me this? What does it matter?”
“Because you need to know how I feel. You need to know you’re safe—not just know, but believe, to your core.”
“What changed? Why did you change your mind and leave me alive?”
“I didn’t.”
“Huh?”
“I had to talk myself into hurting you. I—” He bit his knuckle, then dropped it. “I’m sorry. This is really hard for me.”
“Hard for you?”
He smiled, and the resemblance of his brother didn’t irritate me quite so much. “When I held you in my arms, when I danced with you and you looked at me that way, like you knew me, I almost ran away. But my anger burned, and I forced myself to remember why I came—remember Rochelle, remember what I’ve lost. And you came with me—so easily. I hoped you’d fight me. Anything. It would have taken only one thing and I would have left you. But you came, all the while pleading in your heart for David to save you.” He sat back on the bench. “It angered me that he got to have you. That he got to be happy. When I led you away, I had to battle with myself the whole time to hurt you, and every strike, every ache I caused on your delicate, fragile little body—it shattered me. Half the things I had planned, I couldn’t do. I...I dropped you from the tree, and regretted it instantly.” His eyes shut tight.
“You bit me. You undressed me, you tortured me,” I cried, becoming hysterical.
“I know.” He held his hands out, as if he wanted to place them on my body, but couldn’t. “Ara, I’m so sorry.”
I shook my head, unable to believe my ears, insulted by the very words he spoke.
“Can I tell you something else?” he asked then continued without a response. “I know it’s no consolation, but...I was never going to rape you.”
My head whipped up to look at him; he couldn’t look at me.
“I just wanted to scare you. And I’m so, so ashamed of myself for that, of all things. But—” his voice dropped to an almost whisper; “when I bit you—it was to change you.”
“I can’t be changed.”
“I didn’t know that, then. And Mike came for you—before I could get you out of there. If not for the darkness, he would’ve seen me. I was going to take you, wait for you to change, but—”
I waited. “But?”
Jason leaned back, shuffling uncomfortably. “I heard his thoughts as I was lifting you from the ground. He was desperate.” He stared ahead, his eyes narrowing in thought for a second. “I’d never heard that kind of desperation before. I just couldn’t take you. So, I covered you.”
“You did that?”
“I have never been more ashamed of anything I’ve ever done in this world, Ara, and never—” he looked at me, his elbows on his knees, his head resting in cupped hands, “—never have I been more sorry. It suddenly wasn’t about revenge or anger. And I didn’t realise that until it was too late. So, I bit you—to keep you.”
“Keep?”
“Yes.” A wave of silence passed between us for a moment. “After all the time I’d spent watching you, planning to hurt you, when I finally touched you, held you, breathed you in—” he looked into my eyes; the emerald-green started my heart, “—I fell in love with you.”
“No.” I shook my head. “No, that’s sick! You’re lying.”
“I wish I was.” Jason offered a comfortable smile.
“Then, how could you do that? Don’t you know what that did to me—to my life?” I yelled.
“Yes. I do.” His voice broke. “I wish I could make you see. I am eternally sorry for my actions, Ara, I just—I wanted David to hurt. I still want him to hurt. But not by hurting you. I didn’t know what I was doing to you—not then. I knew what affected a human, but I didn’t understand it.” He groaned, cupping the back of his neck. “When Rochelle died, something in me snapped, and it didn’t knit back together until it was too late—I’d already damaged you, and I couldn’t take it back.”
“No!” I pushed up and got to my feet. “I don’t want your apology. You need to leave. Now!”
“Ara. Please?” He stood too, reaching for me.
“No!” I screamed. “You hurt me. You’re a monster. You don’t get absolution.”
“Please?” He appeared beside me. “If you just let me talk to you, I can make you understand.”
I stopped freaking out and looked up into his warm, almost human eyes. “There’s nothing for me to understand.” I shook my head, my voice becoming unsteady again. “You stay the hell away from me!”
This time, I felt strong enough to walk past him, to leave him at my back where I couldn’t see what he was plotting. My skin crawled, but I kept walking, cringing when a cold breeze picked up and I thought I heard a whisper saying, “I’m sorry.”
I spun around to yell at him, but he was gone.
The crickets hummed again, starting their chorus’ all over the lakeside, one after the other, spreading word that it was safe—that we were all okay. And standing amidst the dark and cold, right across the road from home, from normality, the fight to hold back convulsing tears just took too much effort.
What the hell just happened?
I took my phone out and checked the time, half wishing it would ring—that Mike would call and I could tell him everything. Tell him who it was that attacked me, tell him how Jason saved me, held me softly, talked to me like David would, and confessed that he’s...that he’s...
The reality hit me heavily then.
Love. He said love?
“No—” Jason landed beside me, a gentle hand to my shoulder. “I’ve come to you, so many times, to tell you this. But, I didn’t want to scare you.”
“That’s ridiculous, Jason. I have a right to be scared of you.”
“I know.” He dropped his hand. “I know. But I, I won’t hurt you. I promise.”
“Your promises mean nothing to me.”
“Just sit back down. Please?”
Shaking my head at myself, I plonked back on the grass. “Why would you want to tell me this? What does it matter?”
“Because you need to know how I feel. You need to know you’re safe—not just know, but believe, to your core.”
“What changed? Why did you change your mind and leave me alive?”
“I didn’t.”
“Huh?”
“I had to talk myself into hurting you. I—” He bit his knuckle, then dropped it. “I’m sorry. This is really hard for me.”
“Hard for you?”
He smiled, and the resemblance of his brother didn’t irritate me quite so much. “When I held you in my arms, when I danced with you and you looked at me that way, like you knew me, I almost ran away. But my anger burned, and I forced myself to remember why I came—remember Rochelle, remember what I’ve lost. And you came with me—so easily. I hoped you’d fight me. Anything. It would have taken only one thing and I would have left you. But you came, all the while pleading in your heart for David to save you.” He sat back on the bench. “It angered me that he got to have you. That he got to be happy. When I led you away, I had to battle with myself the whole time to hurt you, and every strike, every ache I caused on your delicate, fragile little body—it shattered me. Half the things I had planned, I couldn’t do. I...I dropped you from the tree, and regretted it instantly.” His eyes shut tight.
“You bit me. You undressed me, you tortured me,” I cried, becoming hysterical.
“I know.” He held his hands out, as if he wanted to place them on my body, but couldn’t. “Ara, I’m so sorry.”
I shook my head, unable to believe my ears, insulted by the very words he spoke.
“Can I tell you something else?” he asked then continued without a response. “I know it’s no consolation, but...I was never going to rape you.”
My head whipped up to look at him; he couldn’t look at me.
“I just wanted to scare you. And I’m so, so ashamed of myself for that, of all things. But—” his voice dropped to an almost whisper; “when I bit you—it was to change you.”
“I can’t be changed.”
“I didn’t know that, then. And Mike came for you—before I could get you out of there. If not for the darkness, he would’ve seen me. I was going to take you, wait for you to change, but—”
I waited. “But?”
Jason leaned back, shuffling uncomfortably. “I heard his thoughts as I was lifting you from the ground. He was desperate.” He stared ahead, his eyes narrowing in thought for a second. “I’d never heard that kind of desperation before. I just couldn’t take you. So, I covered you.”
“You did that?”
“I have never been more ashamed of anything I’ve ever done in this world, Ara, and never—” he looked at me, his elbows on his knees, his head resting in cupped hands, “—never have I been more sorry. It suddenly wasn’t about revenge or anger. And I didn’t realise that until it was too late. So, I bit you—to keep you.”
“Keep?”
“Yes.” A wave of silence passed between us for a moment. “After all the time I’d spent watching you, planning to hurt you, when I finally touched you, held you, breathed you in—” he looked into my eyes; the emerald-green started my heart, “—I fell in love with you.”
“No.” I shook my head. “No, that’s sick! You’re lying.”
“I wish I was.” Jason offered a comfortable smile.
“Then, how could you do that? Don’t you know what that did to me—to my life?” I yelled.
“Yes. I do.” His voice broke. “I wish I could make you see. I am eternally sorry for my actions, Ara, I just—I wanted David to hurt. I still want him to hurt. But not by hurting you. I didn’t know what I was doing to you—not then. I knew what affected a human, but I didn’t understand it.” He groaned, cupping the back of his neck. “When Rochelle died, something in me snapped, and it didn’t knit back together until it was too late—I’d already damaged you, and I couldn’t take it back.”
“No!” I pushed up and got to my feet. “I don’t want your apology. You need to leave. Now!”
“Ara. Please?” He stood too, reaching for me.
“No!” I screamed. “You hurt me. You’re a monster. You don’t get absolution.”
“Please?” He appeared beside me. “If you just let me talk to you, I can make you understand.”
I stopped freaking out and looked up into his warm, almost human eyes. “There’s nothing for me to understand.” I shook my head, my voice becoming unsteady again. “You stay the hell away from me!”
This time, I felt strong enough to walk past him, to leave him at my back where I couldn’t see what he was plotting. My skin crawled, but I kept walking, cringing when a cold breeze picked up and I thought I heard a whisper saying, “I’m sorry.”
I spun around to yell at him, but he was gone.
The crickets hummed again, starting their chorus’ all over the lakeside, one after the other, spreading word that it was safe—that we were all okay. And standing amidst the dark and cold, right across the road from home, from normality, the fight to hold back convulsing tears just took too much effort.
What the hell just happened?
I took my phone out and checked the time, half wishing it would ring—that Mike would call and I could tell him everything. Tell him who it was that attacked me, tell him how Jason saved me, held me softly, talked to me like David would, and confessed that he’s...that he’s...
The reality hit me heavily then.
Love. He said love?
