The Heart's Ashes
Page 72
“What makes you so sure he won’t leave?”
“I just know him, okay. Except, the brother I grew up with would, in no way, put up with the rubbish he does from you.”
“Rubbish?”
“Yes. You, with all your love-confusion, your morals and beliefs about vampires and killing. It’s not like him to tolerate so much...emotion. Despite that, he’d have left by now if he was going to.”
“So, he needs my blessing before he’ll go?”
Jason shrugged. “Like I said, you have about two—three months tops. Get used to the idea that he’s leaving, Ara. It’ll benefit you both.”
Seems to be a repeated statement in my life.
“So? You gonna tell me what happened—why you’re so sad?” He sat on the rock again and patted his shoulder. “I’m told this is a pretty good tear-catcher.”
Despite my hatred for what he did to Emily, a bigger part of me felt so in need to talk, so in need to discuss all my problems with someone who had no stake in my heart, figuratively, that I actually considered it.
Whenever I talked with Mike or David, they would only ever advise me in the direction that would lead to me being theirs. Jason was outside of that; he already knew he’d never have my heart.
The sun warmed the smile of the man who once tried to kill me, and he rested his arms so casually over his knees that I smiled back. He looked so human—more than David did when he was pretending to be human. I didn’t feel scared or tense around him like I should, which only made me more confused. It was like he’d shed a shell, become somebody new, somebody I could almost see myself being friends with—maybe even trust.
“You can trust me, Ara.” He ran his fingers through his hair, flipping it back as he answered my thought. “I told you, the guy who hurt you last year is gone, okay, I’m not the same.”
Swallowing my better judgement, I placed my hand in his and let him hoist me onto the rock beside him, all the while thinking, This is crazy. I’m one of those stupid girls who runs up the stairs in a horror movie. I’m the cautionary tale mothers tell their daughters. I’ve done everything wrong. I should be running away, not sitting with him.
Petey, just below my foot, licked my ankle—a voiceless reassurance, I think, and sat back on his hindquarters, looking up at me. I tugged my skirt a little further down my legs, lifting each one to rest the fabric between my skin and the sticky, gristly heat of the rock.
“You okay?” Jason said.
“Yeah, I’m just sure Petey can see up my skirt.”
Petey groaned and flopped onto the ground, resting his head on his paws, his body turned to the lake—away from the rock. Jason smiled down at the space between us—the whole two centimetres. “So, you trust me now?”
“I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. All I do know is that I hate you, Jason, but I—”
“You don’t hate me,” he stated, smiling. “You want to, but you don’t.”
“What makes you so sure?” I folded my arms, my cheeks burning with a touch of embarrassment.
“I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.” He paused. “Sorry, that was distasteful, given our past.”
“Not funny.” I looked sideways at him, but we both broke into a smile. I knew he said it deliberately, but I was okay with it because I also knew he was trying to make light of the moment, make me more comfortable. Dark humour usually did that.
“So—” He bumped me softly with his elbow, resting both hands in his lap. “Mike hates you, huh?”
The anger-filled eyes of my best friend as he shook me, towered over me, told me never to talk to him again, flashed in my frontal lobes for Jason to see. I couldn’t help but to let him in. I showed him everything, breaking to tears as I ran the whole story like a film.
He looked at the lake, staying still the whole time, saying nothing until he let out a breath, turning to me. “Is it okay if I comfort you?”
No! My nose crinkled. But then again, I don’t know. I drew a breath and nodded, not really sure why I did it.
“Now,” he said, as I fell into his arms, “I want you to know something; Mike’s hurt because he’s tired of losing people he loves.” Jason’s voice hummed deeply in his chest under my ear. “When he thought Emily was dead, he lost something—died himself, in a small way. He pushed you away, because he’s scared of losing you, too.”
“I doubt Mike thinks that way. He’s just mad. Solidly mad.”
“No, sweet girl, he’s afraid. Fear is the root of anger, don’t you know?”
“Do you have psychology degree?” I asked sarcastically.
“I—” he said slowly, “Let’s just say I may have been checking in on things since I bit Emily.”
I rolled my face up to look at him; he smiled.
“He doesn’t want to lose you, okay? That’s why he’s so mad at you.”
“But now he has lost me. He hates me—said he’s leaving.”
“He won’t leave.” Jason let out a short laugh.
“How do you know?”
He just smiled, tracing his thumb over my hairline. “Because he can’t. He’s yours, Ara—he always will be. Trust me, he won’t leave.”
“Why did you do that to Emily?” I sat up a little to look at his eyes. “Jason, you’ve destroyed her life—she can never die, she’ll never have children—why would you do that?”
“I can’t expect you to understand.” He pulled his arms from me and looked into his lap.
“Do you love her? Is that why?”
“I—” He sighed, his shoulders dropping heavily. “How is she?”
“She’s a freakin’ vampire, Jason. How do you think she is?” I jumped off the rock and folded my arms, studying the flat surface of the lake. “Mike won’t talk to her—he said she’s as good as dead to him, now.” Like I am. I took a breath and let it out in one quick huff. “She stood up for you, you know?”
“No. I didn’t know that.”
I turned to face the rock, jumping internally when I nearly hit his chest instead.
“What did she say?” he asked.
“She said something bad must’ve happened to you—to make you do what you did to me.”
“I just know him, okay. Except, the brother I grew up with would, in no way, put up with the rubbish he does from you.”
“Rubbish?”
“Yes. You, with all your love-confusion, your morals and beliefs about vampires and killing. It’s not like him to tolerate so much...emotion. Despite that, he’d have left by now if he was going to.”
“So, he needs my blessing before he’ll go?”
Jason shrugged. “Like I said, you have about two—three months tops. Get used to the idea that he’s leaving, Ara. It’ll benefit you both.”
Seems to be a repeated statement in my life.
“So? You gonna tell me what happened—why you’re so sad?” He sat on the rock again and patted his shoulder. “I’m told this is a pretty good tear-catcher.”
Despite my hatred for what he did to Emily, a bigger part of me felt so in need to talk, so in need to discuss all my problems with someone who had no stake in my heart, figuratively, that I actually considered it.
Whenever I talked with Mike or David, they would only ever advise me in the direction that would lead to me being theirs. Jason was outside of that; he already knew he’d never have my heart.
The sun warmed the smile of the man who once tried to kill me, and he rested his arms so casually over his knees that I smiled back. He looked so human—more than David did when he was pretending to be human. I didn’t feel scared or tense around him like I should, which only made me more confused. It was like he’d shed a shell, become somebody new, somebody I could almost see myself being friends with—maybe even trust.
“You can trust me, Ara.” He ran his fingers through his hair, flipping it back as he answered my thought. “I told you, the guy who hurt you last year is gone, okay, I’m not the same.”
Swallowing my better judgement, I placed my hand in his and let him hoist me onto the rock beside him, all the while thinking, This is crazy. I’m one of those stupid girls who runs up the stairs in a horror movie. I’m the cautionary tale mothers tell their daughters. I’ve done everything wrong. I should be running away, not sitting with him.
Petey, just below my foot, licked my ankle—a voiceless reassurance, I think, and sat back on his hindquarters, looking up at me. I tugged my skirt a little further down my legs, lifting each one to rest the fabric between my skin and the sticky, gristly heat of the rock.
“You okay?” Jason said.
“Yeah, I’m just sure Petey can see up my skirt.”
Petey groaned and flopped onto the ground, resting his head on his paws, his body turned to the lake—away from the rock. Jason smiled down at the space between us—the whole two centimetres. “So, you trust me now?”
“I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. All I do know is that I hate you, Jason, but I—”
“You don’t hate me,” he stated, smiling. “You want to, but you don’t.”
“What makes you so sure?” I folded my arms, my cheeks burning with a touch of embarrassment.
“I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.” He paused. “Sorry, that was distasteful, given our past.”
“Not funny.” I looked sideways at him, but we both broke into a smile. I knew he said it deliberately, but I was okay with it because I also knew he was trying to make light of the moment, make me more comfortable. Dark humour usually did that.
“So—” He bumped me softly with his elbow, resting both hands in his lap. “Mike hates you, huh?”
The anger-filled eyes of my best friend as he shook me, towered over me, told me never to talk to him again, flashed in my frontal lobes for Jason to see. I couldn’t help but to let him in. I showed him everything, breaking to tears as I ran the whole story like a film.
He looked at the lake, staying still the whole time, saying nothing until he let out a breath, turning to me. “Is it okay if I comfort you?”
No! My nose crinkled. But then again, I don’t know. I drew a breath and nodded, not really sure why I did it.
“Now,” he said, as I fell into his arms, “I want you to know something; Mike’s hurt because he’s tired of losing people he loves.” Jason’s voice hummed deeply in his chest under my ear. “When he thought Emily was dead, he lost something—died himself, in a small way. He pushed you away, because he’s scared of losing you, too.”
“I doubt Mike thinks that way. He’s just mad. Solidly mad.”
“No, sweet girl, he’s afraid. Fear is the root of anger, don’t you know?”
“Do you have psychology degree?” I asked sarcastically.
“I—” he said slowly, “Let’s just say I may have been checking in on things since I bit Emily.”
I rolled my face up to look at him; he smiled.
“He doesn’t want to lose you, okay? That’s why he’s so mad at you.”
“But now he has lost me. He hates me—said he’s leaving.”
“He won’t leave.” Jason let out a short laugh.
“How do you know?”
He just smiled, tracing his thumb over my hairline. “Because he can’t. He’s yours, Ara—he always will be. Trust me, he won’t leave.”
“Why did you do that to Emily?” I sat up a little to look at his eyes. “Jason, you’ve destroyed her life—she can never die, she’ll never have children—why would you do that?”
“I can’t expect you to understand.” He pulled his arms from me and looked into his lap.
“Do you love her? Is that why?”
“I—” He sighed, his shoulders dropping heavily. “How is she?”
“She’s a freakin’ vampire, Jason. How do you think she is?” I jumped off the rock and folded my arms, studying the flat surface of the lake. “Mike won’t talk to her—he said she’s as good as dead to him, now.” Like I am. I took a breath and let it out in one quick huff. “She stood up for you, you know?”
“No. I didn’t know that.”
I turned to face the rock, jumping internally when I nearly hit his chest instead.
“What did she say?” he asked.
“She said something bad must’ve happened to you—to make you do what you did to me.”
