The Heart's Ashes
Page 74
“Forget it. There’s no way I’m—”
“I’ll tell you why I bit Emily,” he offered.
“I don’t care why you bit her. Your reasons don’t give you any cause to—”
“Oh, come on, Ara. Of course you care why I bit her. And you’ll meet me tonight, because you’re intrigued by me. You want to know if it’s true—that I love you, and if maybe there is some small part of me that’s still salvageable.”
Damn mind readers!
“Tonight,” he said, looking at the forest trail again.
“Where?”
“In your dream—I’ll find you.”
“What? Jason?” I called, but he disappeared, with Petey running down a thick trail on the other side of the lake after him.
“Ara!”
My heart sunk when I heard the familiar voice of my ex-best friend.
“Ara!” he called again; I looked at the rock, gauging how long it would take me to run, hide behind it, half wishing Jason was still here. “Ara, I know you’re out here, baby.”
Baby? Baby? How can he call me that when half an hour ago he practically wanted me dead, or at the very least, bludgeoned to unconsciousness. Okay, so maybe that’s a little severe. Wrapped in duct tape with a sock in my big fat gob might be closer to the truth.
“Ara, please?” His voice was getting closer.
To hide or stay? I looked at the rock again.
“Oh, God! Ara.” Mike appeared on the cusp of the trail, running hands though his hair as he folded over. “Baby, there you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
I felt a little ridiculous standing saturated and alone in the middle of the clearing. I kinda wished I’d chosen the hide option. “Why?” I said slowly. “Why were you looking for me?”
“Would falling to my knees right now be the right way to tell you how sorry I am?” He came up in front of me quickly, keeping to the pace he’d obviously used while searching. “Baby, I—I don’t even know what to say. I just...” he stopped midsentence when he reached for me and my automatic reaction was to shirk away. I felt a bit silly for reacting that way. I wasn’t really scared of him, per se, I just wanted to make him aware of how he made me feel. It worked.
Realisation spread out like a blanket of shame over him. “I know I scared you, baby. Quite frankly, I bloody scared myself.” He ran his palm over his face and looked around at the lake, all its beauty. “I don’t know what happened. I, I could see it all happening, but couldn’t stop it. I just—I don’t even know what I can say. Sorry doesn’t even begin to touch what I feel. I—if I were someone else, I’d punch me in the face for what I just did to you.”
I let myself smile, imagining it. “I could punch you?”
He opened his arms, his chest sinking a little. “Baby, please do. Please. I deserve it.”
“No, Mike. You don’t. You were right to be mad.” I pushed his arms down. “It is my fault. I did all of this.”
“No.” He pulled me in and tangled his hands in my hair, pinning my face to his chest. “No, you didn’t. Emily did this. She provoked someone she knew was dangerous, Ara. You kept this from me because you couldn’t trust me with it—and look how I’ve repaid your trust.”
“Why the sudden change of heart, Mike? Why don’t you hate me anymore?”
“I didn’t mean that—I know I felt it, but it’s not how I really feel.” He closed his eyes and squeezed me tighter. “I hate myself right now. I’ve been so worried; I ran everywhere looking for you.”
“Where’s David?”
“He had to stay with Emily. He can’t leave her there alone, she’s too dangerous.”
“Oh.”
“Ara, as soon as I heard the door slam, I fell apart. I can’t tell you what that felt like—to feel you in my arms, to hurt you that way and watch the pain spread across your face. It killed me, baby, and I couldn’t make it stop. I’m worried...” He stood back from me, looking at his own hands. “I’m worried there’s something wrong with me.”
Insight pressed my shoulders down. “I know what it is.”
“You know what what is?”
“I know why you’re so angry.”
“What? Why?”
My jaw jutted forward a little. To tell or not to tell?
“Ara, please?” He grabbed my arms.
“You won’t like it,” I warned.
“I don’t like feeling like this. Please, if you know something—”
“It’s the blood—David’s blood,” I said, pointing to my own face, referring to where the deep scratches Emily left on Mike had been bleeding only days ago.
“What?” He drew back.
“You’re addicted.”
Mike’s brow pulled together at the centre, thought distant in his eyes.
“When it’s not in your system, you get—angry,” I finished.
“Angry?”
“Yes. Kind of like a drug addict.”
“Does that happen with you?”
“Yeah. Remember our fight in the auditorium that day—at school last year?” I bit my smiling lip.
Mike nodded. “That was blood addiction?”
“Mm-hm. But I’d had less blood than you have, so the addiction wasn’t as strong.”
“Oh, baby.” He kissed my head. “I won’t forgive myself for what I just did to you. I am so sorry.”
“I’m okay, Mike. Really.” He looked at my arms; I hadn’t noticed it, and Jason didn’t mention it, but there were four long bruises on each of my arms—damage from Mike’s grip. “Okay, so maybe a little bruised.”
He clicked his tongue, lifted my arm, one, then the other, and kissed the bruising. “I’m a monster. Don’t you ever forgive me for this, Ara. I don’t deserve it. I’ll leave. I’ll go away, and you never have to see me again.”
“No.” I grabbed his shirt. “I don’t want that, Mike. I never wanted any of this. Just…”
“Ara, you shouldn’t trust people that hurt you. I didn’t know I was capable of ever hurting you.” He dropped his head. “I guess I’m just like every other guy who says he’s not abusive.”
“I’ll tell you why I bit Emily,” he offered.
“I don’t care why you bit her. Your reasons don’t give you any cause to—”
“Oh, come on, Ara. Of course you care why I bit her. And you’ll meet me tonight, because you’re intrigued by me. You want to know if it’s true—that I love you, and if maybe there is some small part of me that’s still salvageable.”
Damn mind readers!
“Tonight,” he said, looking at the forest trail again.
“Where?”
“In your dream—I’ll find you.”
“What? Jason?” I called, but he disappeared, with Petey running down a thick trail on the other side of the lake after him.
“Ara!”
My heart sunk when I heard the familiar voice of my ex-best friend.
“Ara!” he called again; I looked at the rock, gauging how long it would take me to run, hide behind it, half wishing Jason was still here. “Ara, I know you’re out here, baby.”
Baby? Baby? How can he call me that when half an hour ago he practically wanted me dead, or at the very least, bludgeoned to unconsciousness. Okay, so maybe that’s a little severe. Wrapped in duct tape with a sock in my big fat gob might be closer to the truth.
“Ara, please?” His voice was getting closer.
To hide or stay? I looked at the rock again.
“Oh, God! Ara.” Mike appeared on the cusp of the trail, running hands though his hair as he folded over. “Baby, there you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
I felt a little ridiculous standing saturated and alone in the middle of the clearing. I kinda wished I’d chosen the hide option. “Why?” I said slowly. “Why were you looking for me?”
“Would falling to my knees right now be the right way to tell you how sorry I am?” He came up in front of me quickly, keeping to the pace he’d obviously used while searching. “Baby, I—I don’t even know what to say. I just...” he stopped midsentence when he reached for me and my automatic reaction was to shirk away. I felt a bit silly for reacting that way. I wasn’t really scared of him, per se, I just wanted to make him aware of how he made me feel. It worked.
Realisation spread out like a blanket of shame over him. “I know I scared you, baby. Quite frankly, I bloody scared myself.” He ran his palm over his face and looked around at the lake, all its beauty. “I don’t know what happened. I, I could see it all happening, but couldn’t stop it. I just—I don’t even know what I can say. Sorry doesn’t even begin to touch what I feel. I—if I were someone else, I’d punch me in the face for what I just did to you.”
I let myself smile, imagining it. “I could punch you?”
He opened his arms, his chest sinking a little. “Baby, please do. Please. I deserve it.”
“No, Mike. You don’t. You were right to be mad.” I pushed his arms down. “It is my fault. I did all of this.”
“No.” He pulled me in and tangled his hands in my hair, pinning my face to his chest. “No, you didn’t. Emily did this. She provoked someone she knew was dangerous, Ara. You kept this from me because you couldn’t trust me with it—and look how I’ve repaid your trust.”
“Why the sudden change of heart, Mike? Why don’t you hate me anymore?”
“I didn’t mean that—I know I felt it, but it’s not how I really feel.” He closed his eyes and squeezed me tighter. “I hate myself right now. I’ve been so worried; I ran everywhere looking for you.”
“Where’s David?”
“He had to stay with Emily. He can’t leave her there alone, she’s too dangerous.”
“Oh.”
“Ara, as soon as I heard the door slam, I fell apart. I can’t tell you what that felt like—to feel you in my arms, to hurt you that way and watch the pain spread across your face. It killed me, baby, and I couldn’t make it stop. I’m worried...” He stood back from me, looking at his own hands. “I’m worried there’s something wrong with me.”
Insight pressed my shoulders down. “I know what it is.”
“You know what what is?”
“I know why you’re so angry.”
“What? Why?”
My jaw jutted forward a little. To tell or not to tell?
“Ara, please?” He grabbed my arms.
“You won’t like it,” I warned.
“I don’t like feeling like this. Please, if you know something—”
“It’s the blood—David’s blood,” I said, pointing to my own face, referring to where the deep scratches Emily left on Mike had been bleeding only days ago.
“What?” He drew back.
“You’re addicted.”
Mike’s brow pulled together at the centre, thought distant in his eyes.
“When it’s not in your system, you get—angry,” I finished.
“Angry?”
“Yes. Kind of like a drug addict.”
“Does that happen with you?”
“Yeah. Remember our fight in the auditorium that day—at school last year?” I bit my smiling lip.
Mike nodded. “That was blood addiction?”
“Mm-hm. But I’d had less blood than you have, so the addiction wasn’t as strong.”
“Oh, baby.” He kissed my head. “I won’t forgive myself for what I just did to you. I am so sorry.”
“I’m okay, Mike. Really.” He looked at my arms; I hadn’t noticed it, and Jason didn’t mention it, but there were four long bruises on each of my arms—damage from Mike’s grip. “Okay, so maybe a little bruised.”
He clicked his tongue, lifted my arm, one, then the other, and kissed the bruising. “I’m a monster. Don’t you ever forgive me for this, Ara. I don’t deserve it. I’ll leave. I’ll go away, and you never have to see me again.”
“No.” I grabbed his shirt. “I don’t want that, Mike. I never wanted any of this. Just…”
“Ara, you shouldn’t trust people that hurt you. I didn’t know I was capable of ever hurting you.” He dropped his head. “I guess I’m just like every other guy who says he’s not abusive.”
