The Heart's Ashes
Page 92
I looked at my lap. “Look, I always knew you were a vampire—a killer. But I’d...I might’ve seen death, David, but never at your hands. It’s real. That girl is dead because you killed her. And for what—for blood?”
He nodded, his soul falling away inside; I could feel it.
“But I love you,” I concluded with a shrug. “I know it’s bad and I know I should burn in hell for this, but I love you, David, and I can’t stop loving you just because you’re a vampire.”
He smiled so softly, like he was at peace. “I wish you had come to this conclusion last year. But this—” he seemed stuck, tossing his head in a jerked movement, “—this life I live, it’s more than I can ever expect you to have to put up with—any human to put up with.”
“I have to put up with it, because I can’t let you go. Not yet.”
He sighed heavily, his shoulders dropping, his posture sagging, as if he were utterly exhausted. “I can’t live without the bite, sweetheart—it hurts. My teeth crave it, my body craves it. I need you to know that. I just—”
“You don’t want me to hate you.” I took his hand; he let me.
“I couldn’t live if you hated me, and I physically cannot die, so I need you to love me, Ara, for all my faults and horrors. I just need you to love me.” His eyes met mine with a depth inside the questioning that caused my heart to stop short.
I inched forward, a rise of desperation moving me, my eyes wide as I reached for his face. “I love you. Don’t ever question that. I love you for everything you are, David. I won’t give this up, not while I can still touch you, see you, feel you. I won’t think about the death. I won’t think about the blood. I just—I just want you.” I sat back and dropped his hand, staring across the room to my mirror. “But...I can’t ignore—”
David winced, taking a sharp breath. “I know. Ara. I know I kissed that girl. I—” He rubbed his chin. “I have nothing but an apology, my love. I can’t even begin to make it right.”
“You don’t need to, I guess.” My own stupid plan came back to bite me. “It’s not like we’re together.”
“Except, in my heart—” he touched his chest, “—we are. And that gives me no excuse for what I did.”
I looked into his eyes. “I know what the blood lust does. It must’ve been hard to resist going further—after not having a kill for so long.”
He stared at me, confusion surrounding him. “Who explained that to you, was it Eric?”
I nodded; David looked away.
“Is that bad? Didn’t you want me to know that?”
“I guess...I guess I just wanted to be the one to explain it to you.”
“You weren’t in the right frame of mind.”
“I am now though.” He leaned closer, shutting us into our own world of secrets. “I will answer any questions you have.”
“Discretionally?”
“Honestly.”
“Did you have sex with her?” I said sharply.
“Ara?” He doubled back. “You know what I am. You know what I do—you’ve seen it now—you shouldn’t ask those questions.”
“Why? Why shouldn’t I?” The thought of him with another girl felt like poison in my blood, kidnapping my heart.
“Do you not know?” He shook his head, turning fully to face me. “Do I need to spell it out for you?”
I nodded.
“I would never, ever do that to you, Ara. You should know me better than that by now. I love you—only you.” He squeezed my hand, raising his voice a little. “I will never have another as long as I live. Sometimes, girl, I really don’t know how you come up with these things?” He looked away, shaking his head.
My mouth hung open. “But…but the lust. I mean, I saw the way you kissed her—”
“I got carried away. But it would never be enough to make me go that far.”
Now, that I understood, especially after Mike-and-the-lake. “I guess you’re only human.”
He took a sideways glance to smile at me. “In part.”
“No, David.” I touched his chest. “In heart.”
He cupped my hand. “And you think I’m corny.”
I rolled back to lay on my pillow. “You love my corny.”
He laid down beside me, still in his clothes—the ones he wore while killing that girl. “Yes, I do. Do you mind if I lay?”
“I don’t think friends should share a bed.”
He groaned. “Come on, Ara? Stop this friend thing, please? It’s killing me.”
“Stay and I’ll stop it.” I smiled smugly, aware he could see it even in the darkness.
“My love, what happened tonight has only cemented what I already knew; our worlds don’t mix. I’ll be leaving in a few days, and you’re wasting all this time on some silly belief that I’ll change my mind.”
“I have to hope you will, David. What else have I got?”
“Right now, for a little longer—you’ve got me.”
Feeling my chest go tight, I shook my head. “I can’t let myself get lost in you. I’ll go too deep. I won’t come back up again.”
“I understand that.” He sat quiet for so long I almost thought he was asleep, until he startled me with “When I leave, will you be with him?”
“Him?”
“Mike.”
“He’s with Emily, David.”
“Believe me, that means nothing when it comes to you.”
“Honour means everything to Mike. He won’t betray that.”
“Do you want him to?”
“Have you been in my head lately?” I asked, knowing full well I’d still had thoughts about Mike—despite he and Emily being together. It was the lake; I couldn’t help but to think about it—think how much I...enjoyed it.
“I might have heard one or two things.”
“This is why thoughts should be private. I’d never act on them.”
“Do you want to?” he asked again, more insistent.
It angered me to think about it—because I knew the answer, and I knew he was right to ask for the truth. “No.”
He nodded, his soul falling away inside; I could feel it.
“But I love you,” I concluded with a shrug. “I know it’s bad and I know I should burn in hell for this, but I love you, David, and I can’t stop loving you just because you’re a vampire.”
He smiled so softly, like he was at peace. “I wish you had come to this conclusion last year. But this—” he seemed stuck, tossing his head in a jerked movement, “—this life I live, it’s more than I can ever expect you to have to put up with—any human to put up with.”
“I have to put up with it, because I can’t let you go. Not yet.”
He sighed heavily, his shoulders dropping, his posture sagging, as if he were utterly exhausted. “I can’t live without the bite, sweetheart—it hurts. My teeth crave it, my body craves it. I need you to know that. I just—”
“You don’t want me to hate you.” I took his hand; he let me.
“I couldn’t live if you hated me, and I physically cannot die, so I need you to love me, Ara, for all my faults and horrors. I just need you to love me.” His eyes met mine with a depth inside the questioning that caused my heart to stop short.
I inched forward, a rise of desperation moving me, my eyes wide as I reached for his face. “I love you. Don’t ever question that. I love you for everything you are, David. I won’t give this up, not while I can still touch you, see you, feel you. I won’t think about the death. I won’t think about the blood. I just—I just want you.” I sat back and dropped his hand, staring across the room to my mirror. “But...I can’t ignore—”
David winced, taking a sharp breath. “I know. Ara. I know I kissed that girl. I—” He rubbed his chin. “I have nothing but an apology, my love. I can’t even begin to make it right.”
“You don’t need to, I guess.” My own stupid plan came back to bite me. “It’s not like we’re together.”
“Except, in my heart—” he touched his chest, “—we are. And that gives me no excuse for what I did.”
I looked into his eyes. “I know what the blood lust does. It must’ve been hard to resist going further—after not having a kill for so long.”
He stared at me, confusion surrounding him. “Who explained that to you, was it Eric?”
I nodded; David looked away.
“Is that bad? Didn’t you want me to know that?”
“I guess...I guess I just wanted to be the one to explain it to you.”
“You weren’t in the right frame of mind.”
“I am now though.” He leaned closer, shutting us into our own world of secrets. “I will answer any questions you have.”
“Discretionally?”
“Honestly.”
“Did you have sex with her?” I said sharply.
“Ara?” He doubled back. “You know what I am. You know what I do—you’ve seen it now—you shouldn’t ask those questions.”
“Why? Why shouldn’t I?” The thought of him with another girl felt like poison in my blood, kidnapping my heart.
“Do you not know?” He shook his head, turning fully to face me. “Do I need to spell it out for you?”
I nodded.
“I would never, ever do that to you, Ara. You should know me better than that by now. I love you—only you.” He squeezed my hand, raising his voice a little. “I will never have another as long as I live. Sometimes, girl, I really don’t know how you come up with these things?” He looked away, shaking his head.
My mouth hung open. “But…but the lust. I mean, I saw the way you kissed her—”
“I got carried away. But it would never be enough to make me go that far.”
Now, that I understood, especially after Mike-and-the-lake. “I guess you’re only human.”
He took a sideways glance to smile at me. “In part.”
“No, David.” I touched his chest. “In heart.”
He cupped my hand. “And you think I’m corny.”
I rolled back to lay on my pillow. “You love my corny.”
He laid down beside me, still in his clothes—the ones he wore while killing that girl. “Yes, I do. Do you mind if I lay?”
“I don’t think friends should share a bed.”
He groaned. “Come on, Ara? Stop this friend thing, please? It’s killing me.”
“Stay and I’ll stop it.” I smiled smugly, aware he could see it even in the darkness.
“My love, what happened tonight has only cemented what I already knew; our worlds don’t mix. I’ll be leaving in a few days, and you’re wasting all this time on some silly belief that I’ll change my mind.”
“I have to hope you will, David. What else have I got?”
“Right now, for a little longer—you’ve got me.”
Feeling my chest go tight, I shook my head. “I can’t let myself get lost in you. I’ll go too deep. I won’t come back up again.”
“I understand that.” He sat quiet for so long I almost thought he was asleep, until he startled me with “When I leave, will you be with him?”
“Him?”
“Mike.”
“He’s with Emily, David.”
“Believe me, that means nothing when it comes to you.”
“Honour means everything to Mike. He won’t betray that.”
“Do you want him to?”
“Have you been in my head lately?” I asked, knowing full well I’d still had thoughts about Mike—despite he and Emily being together. It was the lake; I couldn’t help but to think about it—think how much I...enjoyed it.
“I might have heard one or two things.”
“This is why thoughts should be private. I’d never act on them.”
“Do you want to?” he asked again, more insistent.
It angered me to think about it—because I knew the answer, and I knew he was right to ask for the truth. “No.”
