The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms
Page 64
They grow and change so fast, he said softly, his eyes on a group of dancers near the musicians. Sometimes I hate them for that.
I glanced up at him in surprise; this was a strange mood indeed for him. You gods are the ones who made us this way, arent you?
He glanced at me, and for a jarring, painful instant I saw confusion on his face. Enefa. He had spoken as if I was Enefa.
Then the confusion passed, and he shared with me a small, sad smile. Sorry, he said.
I could not feel bitter about it, given the sorrow in his face. I do seem to look like her.
Thats not it. He sighed. Its just that sometimeswell, it feels like she died only yesterday.
The Gods War had occurred over two thousand years before, by most scholars reckonings. I turned away from Sieh and sighed, too, at the width of the gulf between us.
Youre not like her, he said. Not really.
I didnt want to talk about Enefa, but I said nothing. I drew up my knees and rested my chin on them. Sieh resumed stroking my hair, petting me like a cat.
She was reserved like you, but thats the only similarity. She was cooler than you. Slower to angeralthough she had the same kind of temper as you, I think, magnificent when it finally blew. We tried hard not to anger her.
You sound like you were afraid of her.
Of course. How could we not be?
I frowned in confusion. She was your mother.
Sieh hesitated, and in it I heard an echo of my earlier thoughts about the gulf between us. Its difficult to explain.
I hated that gulf. I wanted to breach it, though I had no idea if it was even possible. So I said, Try.
His hand paused on my hair, and then he chuckled, his voice warm. Im glad youre not one of my worshippers. Youd drive me mad with your demands.
Would you even bother answering any prayers that I made? I could not help smiling at the idea.
Oh, of course. But I might sneak a salamander into your bed to get back at you.
I laughed, which surprised me. It was the first time all day that Id felt human. It didnt last long as laughs went, but when it passed, I felt better. On impulse, I shifted to lean against his legs, putting my head on his knee. His hand never left my hair.
I needed no mothers milk when I was born. Sieh spoke slowly, but I did not sense a lie this time. I think it was just difficult for him to find the right words. There was no need to protect me from danger or sing me lullabies. I could hear the songs between the stars, and I was more dangerous to the worlds I visited than they could ever be to me. And yet, compared to the Three, I was weak. Like them in many ways, but obviously inferior. Naha was the one who convinced her to let me live and see what I might become.
I frowned. She was going to kill you?
Yes. He chuckled at my shock. She killed things all the time, Yeine. She was death as well as life, the twilight along with the dawn. Everyone forgets that.
I turned to stare at him, which made him draw his hand back from my hair. There was something in that gesturesomething regretful and hesitant, not befitting a god at allthat suddenly angered me. It was there in his every word. However incomprehensible relationships between gods might be, he had been a child and Enefa his mother, and he had loved her with any childs abandon. Yet she had almost killed him, as a breeder culls a defective foal.
Or as a mother smothers a dangerous infant
No. That had been entirely different.
Im beginning to dislike this Enefa, I said.
Sieh started in surprise, stared at me for a long second, then burst out laughing. It was infectious, though nonsensical; humor born of pain. I smiled as well.
Thank you, Sieh said, still chuckling. I hate taking this form; it always makes me maudlin.
Be a child again. I liked him better that way.
Cant. He gestured toward the barrier. This takes too much of my strength.
Ah. I wondered suddenly which was the default state for him: the child? Or this world-weary adult who slipped out whenever he let his guard down? Or something else altogether? But that seemed too intimate and possibly painful a question to ask, so I did not. We fell silent awhile longer, watching the servants dance.
What will you do? Sieh asked.
I lay my head back on his knee and said nothing.
Sieh sighed. If I knew how to help you, I would. You know that, dont you?
The words warmed me more than Id expected. I smiled. Yes. I know, though I cant say I understand it. Im just a mortal like the rest of them, Sieh.
Not like the rest.
Yes. I looked at him. However different I might be I did not like saying it aloud. No one stood near enough to us to overhear, but it seemed foolish to take chances. You said it yourself. Even if I lived to be a hundred, my life would still be only an eyeblink of yours. I should be nothing to you, like these others. I nodded toward the throng.
I glanced up at him in surprise; this was a strange mood indeed for him. You gods are the ones who made us this way, arent you?
He glanced at me, and for a jarring, painful instant I saw confusion on his face. Enefa. He had spoken as if I was Enefa.
Then the confusion passed, and he shared with me a small, sad smile. Sorry, he said.
I could not feel bitter about it, given the sorrow in his face. I do seem to look like her.
Thats not it. He sighed. Its just that sometimeswell, it feels like she died only yesterday.
The Gods War had occurred over two thousand years before, by most scholars reckonings. I turned away from Sieh and sighed, too, at the width of the gulf between us.
Youre not like her, he said. Not really.
I didnt want to talk about Enefa, but I said nothing. I drew up my knees and rested my chin on them. Sieh resumed stroking my hair, petting me like a cat.
She was reserved like you, but thats the only similarity. She was cooler than you. Slower to angeralthough she had the same kind of temper as you, I think, magnificent when it finally blew. We tried hard not to anger her.
You sound like you were afraid of her.
Of course. How could we not be?
I frowned in confusion. She was your mother.
Sieh hesitated, and in it I heard an echo of my earlier thoughts about the gulf between us. Its difficult to explain.
I hated that gulf. I wanted to breach it, though I had no idea if it was even possible. So I said, Try.
His hand paused on my hair, and then he chuckled, his voice warm. Im glad youre not one of my worshippers. Youd drive me mad with your demands.
Would you even bother answering any prayers that I made? I could not help smiling at the idea.
Oh, of course. But I might sneak a salamander into your bed to get back at you.
I laughed, which surprised me. It was the first time all day that Id felt human. It didnt last long as laughs went, but when it passed, I felt better. On impulse, I shifted to lean against his legs, putting my head on his knee. His hand never left my hair.
I needed no mothers milk when I was born. Sieh spoke slowly, but I did not sense a lie this time. I think it was just difficult for him to find the right words. There was no need to protect me from danger or sing me lullabies. I could hear the songs between the stars, and I was more dangerous to the worlds I visited than they could ever be to me. And yet, compared to the Three, I was weak. Like them in many ways, but obviously inferior. Naha was the one who convinced her to let me live and see what I might become.
I frowned. She was going to kill you?
Yes. He chuckled at my shock. She killed things all the time, Yeine. She was death as well as life, the twilight along with the dawn. Everyone forgets that.
I turned to stare at him, which made him draw his hand back from my hair. There was something in that gesturesomething regretful and hesitant, not befitting a god at allthat suddenly angered me. It was there in his every word. However incomprehensible relationships between gods might be, he had been a child and Enefa his mother, and he had loved her with any childs abandon. Yet she had almost killed him, as a breeder culls a defective foal.
Or as a mother smothers a dangerous infant
No. That had been entirely different.
Im beginning to dislike this Enefa, I said.
Sieh started in surprise, stared at me for a long second, then burst out laughing. It was infectious, though nonsensical; humor born of pain. I smiled as well.
Thank you, Sieh said, still chuckling. I hate taking this form; it always makes me maudlin.
Be a child again. I liked him better that way.
Cant. He gestured toward the barrier. This takes too much of my strength.
Ah. I wondered suddenly which was the default state for him: the child? Or this world-weary adult who slipped out whenever he let his guard down? Or something else altogether? But that seemed too intimate and possibly painful a question to ask, so I did not. We fell silent awhile longer, watching the servants dance.
What will you do? Sieh asked.
I lay my head back on his knee and said nothing.
Sieh sighed. If I knew how to help you, I would. You know that, dont you?
The words warmed me more than Id expected. I smiled. Yes. I know, though I cant say I understand it. Im just a mortal like the rest of them, Sieh.
Not like the rest.
Yes. I looked at him. However different I might be I did not like saying it aloud. No one stood near enough to us to overhear, but it seemed foolish to take chances. You said it yourself. Even if I lived to be a hundred, my life would still be only an eyeblink of yours. I should be nothing to you, like these others. I nodded toward the throng.
