The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms
Page 65
He laughed softly; the bitterness had returned. Oh, Yeine. You really dont understand. If mortals were truly nothing to us, our lives would be so much easier. And so would yours.
I could say nothing to that. So I fell silent, and he did, too, and around us the servants celebrated on.
* * *
It was nearly midnight by the time I finally left the centeryard. The party was still in full swing, but Tvril left with me and walked me to my quarters. Hed been drinking, though not nearly as much as some Id seen. Unlike them, I have to be clearheaded in the morning, he said, when I pointed this out.
At the door of my apartment we stopped. Thank you, I said, meaning it.
You didnt enjoy yourself, he said. I saw: you didnt dance all evening. Did you even have a glass of wine?
No. But it did help. I groped for the right words. I wont deny a part of me spent the whole time thinking, Im wasting one-sixth of my remaining life. I smiled; Tvril grimaced. But to spend that time surrounded by so much joy it did make me feel better.
There was such compassion in his eyes. I found myself wondering, again, why he helped me. I supposed it made a difference that he had some fellow feeling for me, perhaps even liked me. It was touching to think so, and perhaps that was why I reached up to cup his cheek. He blinked in surprise, but he did not draw back. That pleased me, too, and so I yielded to impulse.
Im probably not pretty by your standards, I ventured. His cheek felt slightly scratchy under my fingers, and I remembered that men of the island peoples tended to grow beards. I found the idea exotic and intriguing.
A half-dozen thoughts flickered across Tvrils face in the span of a breath, then settled with his slow smile. Well, Im not by yours, either, he said. Ive seen those showhorses you Darre call men.
I chuckled, abruptly nervous. And we are, of course, relatives
This is Sky, Cousin. Amazing how that explained everything.
I opened the door to my apartment, then took his hand and pulled him inside.
He was strangely gentleor perhaps it only seemed strange to me because I had little experience to compare him against. I was surprised to find that he was even paler beneath his clothing, and his shoulders were covered in faint spots, like those of a leopard but smaller and random. He felt normal enough against me, lean and strong, and I liked the sounds that he made. He did try to give me pleasure, but I was too tense, too aware of my own loneliness and fear, so there were no stormwinds for me. I did not mind so much.
I was unused to having someone in my bed, so afterward I slept restlessly. Finally in the small hours of the morning I got up and went into the bathroom, hoping that a bath would settle me to sleep. While water filled the tub, I ran more in the sink and splashed my face, then stared at myself in the mirror. There were new lines of strain around my eyes, making me look older. I touched my mouth, suddenly melancholy for the girl I had been just a few months before. She had not been innocentno leader of any people can afford thatbut she had been happy, more or less. When was the last time Id felt happiness? I could not recall.
Suddenly I was annoyed with Tvril. At least pleasure would have relaxed me and perhaps pulled my mood out of its grim track. At the same time it bothered me to feel such disappointment because I liked Tvril, and the fault was as much mine as his.
But on the heels of this, unbidden, came an even more disturbing thoughtone that I fought for long seconds, caught between morbid, forbidden-thrill fascination and superstitious fear.
I knew why I had found no satisfaction with Tvril.
Never whisper his name in the dark
No. This was stupidity. No, no, no.
unless you want him to answer.
There was a terrible, mad recklessness inside me. It whirled and crashed in my head, a cacophony of not-quite-thought. I could actually see it manifest as I stared into the mirror; my own eyes stared back at me, too wide, the pupils too large. I licked my lips, and for a moment they were not mine. They belonged to some other woman, much braver and stupider than me.
The bathroom was not dark because of the glowing walls, but darkness took many forms. I closed my eyes and spoke to the blackness beneath my lids.
Nahadoth, I said.
My lips barely moved. I had given the word only enough breath to make it audible, and no more. I didnt even hear myself over the running water and the pounding of my heart. But I waited. Two breaths. Three.
Nothing happened.
For an instant I felt utterly irrational disappointment. This was followed swiftly by relief, and fury at myself. What in the Maelstrom was wrong with me? I had never in my life done anything so foolish. I must have been losing my mind.
I turned away from the mirrorand as I did the glowing walls went dark.
I could say nothing to that. So I fell silent, and he did, too, and around us the servants celebrated on.
* * *
It was nearly midnight by the time I finally left the centeryard. The party was still in full swing, but Tvril left with me and walked me to my quarters. Hed been drinking, though not nearly as much as some Id seen. Unlike them, I have to be clearheaded in the morning, he said, when I pointed this out.
At the door of my apartment we stopped. Thank you, I said, meaning it.
You didnt enjoy yourself, he said. I saw: you didnt dance all evening. Did you even have a glass of wine?
No. But it did help. I groped for the right words. I wont deny a part of me spent the whole time thinking, Im wasting one-sixth of my remaining life. I smiled; Tvril grimaced. But to spend that time surrounded by so much joy it did make me feel better.
There was such compassion in his eyes. I found myself wondering, again, why he helped me. I supposed it made a difference that he had some fellow feeling for me, perhaps even liked me. It was touching to think so, and perhaps that was why I reached up to cup his cheek. He blinked in surprise, but he did not draw back. That pleased me, too, and so I yielded to impulse.
Im probably not pretty by your standards, I ventured. His cheek felt slightly scratchy under my fingers, and I remembered that men of the island peoples tended to grow beards. I found the idea exotic and intriguing.
A half-dozen thoughts flickered across Tvrils face in the span of a breath, then settled with his slow smile. Well, Im not by yours, either, he said. Ive seen those showhorses you Darre call men.
I chuckled, abruptly nervous. And we are, of course, relatives
This is Sky, Cousin. Amazing how that explained everything.
I opened the door to my apartment, then took his hand and pulled him inside.
He was strangely gentleor perhaps it only seemed strange to me because I had little experience to compare him against. I was surprised to find that he was even paler beneath his clothing, and his shoulders were covered in faint spots, like those of a leopard but smaller and random. He felt normal enough against me, lean and strong, and I liked the sounds that he made. He did try to give me pleasure, but I was too tense, too aware of my own loneliness and fear, so there were no stormwinds for me. I did not mind so much.
I was unused to having someone in my bed, so afterward I slept restlessly. Finally in the small hours of the morning I got up and went into the bathroom, hoping that a bath would settle me to sleep. While water filled the tub, I ran more in the sink and splashed my face, then stared at myself in the mirror. There were new lines of strain around my eyes, making me look older. I touched my mouth, suddenly melancholy for the girl I had been just a few months before. She had not been innocentno leader of any people can afford thatbut she had been happy, more or less. When was the last time Id felt happiness? I could not recall.
Suddenly I was annoyed with Tvril. At least pleasure would have relaxed me and perhaps pulled my mood out of its grim track. At the same time it bothered me to feel such disappointment because I liked Tvril, and the fault was as much mine as his.
But on the heels of this, unbidden, came an even more disturbing thoughtone that I fought for long seconds, caught between morbid, forbidden-thrill fascination and superstitious fear.
I knew why I had found no satisfaction with Tvril.
Never whisper his name in the dark
No. This was stupidity. No, no, no.
unless you want him to answer.
There was a terrible, mad recklessness inside me. It whirled and crashed in my head, a cacophony of not-quite-thought. I could actually see it manifest as I stared into the mirror; my own eyes stared back at me, too wide, the pupils too large. I licked my lips, and for a moment they were not mine. They belonged to some other woman, much braver and stupider than me.
The bathroom was not dark because of the glowing walls, but darkness took many forms. I closed my eyes and spoke to the blackness beneath my lids.
Nahadoth, I said.
My lips barely moved. I had given the word only enough breath to make it audible, and no more. I didnt even hear myself over the running water and the pounding of my heart. But I waited. Two breaths. Three.
Nothing happened.
For an instant I felt utterly irrational disappointment. This was followed swiftly by relief, and fury at myself. What in the Maelstrom was wrong with me? I had never in my life done anything so foolish. I must have been losing my mind.
I turned away from the mirrorand as I did the glowing walls went dark.
