The Other Side of Love
Page 6
“Are you nervous?” Lucky turned to me when we pulled into the Johnsons’ driveway.
“It does feel like a bit of a first date.” I laughed. “I have butterflies in my stomach that are dying to break out.”
“I didn’t know that guys got nerves as well,” she said and then laughed along with me.
“Oh, trust me. We get nerves, all right.”
“Are you worried about what they’ll say?” Lucky gave me a concerned look. “I’m sure they’ll just be happy to see you. And Sidney knew you were not really dead, so he shouldn’t be mad at you, right?”
“He won’t be mad about that. He won’t be mad about anything, really. I know he’s disappointed in me for not telling Zane everything about, well, you know, but he’s not mad at me. He understands.” I jumped out of the car. “Sidney is like a dad to me, a dad and a best friend. It’s hard to explain.”
“No, I understand. He’s a good guy.” Lucky nodded. “I’m very fond of him myself.”
“I feel like he’s a kindred spirit, you know?” I looked into her earnest brown eyes and I could see why my brother loved her so much. “He’s been through hell and back in his life and he’s not bitter. I want to learn from him. This documentary has served as a learning and educational experience in more ways than one.”
“It makes me want to cry when he tells me what he went through.” Lucky gave me a weak smile and there were tears in her eyes. “I don’t understand how people can hate others that much.”
“I think it was fear more than hate.” I thought for a moment. “Or fear that simmered and became hate. I don’t really understand how people can hurt others, without being affected themselves. It must take a really coldhearted person to hurt someone they should love.” My words drifted off as I realized I had gotten off topic.
“Yeah.” Lucky looked over at me with questioning eyes. “Hate is a weird emotion. And what it leads people to do. I couldn’t even imagine not having access to to school or to teachers. It just seems unfathomable.”
“Or being spat upon and tormented mercilessly day by day.” I continued her thoughts. “Though it happens today to many children. Too many children are abused mentally, emotionally and physically.”
“I know, I guess they are all just bullies.” Lucky looked disgusted. “People can be really disgusting sometimes.”
“Yes. The targets just change.” I sighed and tried to clear my thoughts. Now was not the time for me to start thinking about Palm Bonita. “But let’s not dwell on the sad right now. Though you’ve given me a good idea. Maybe we can work on a video that talks about the similarities between racism during the times of integration and bullying in schools in modern-day America.”
“That’s a brilliant idea.” Lucky’s eyes blazed with excitement. “I hadn’t even thought of that, but it sounds like an awesome premise.” She reached over and grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “I’m so glad you’re back, Noah.”
“I am—”
“Are you guys going to stand out on my front lawn the whole day?” Sidney’s voice boomed out of the front door, and he grinned at me as I turned towards him.
“Oh, God, Noah.” Betty Johnson came out from behind her husband and rushed towards me to give me a hug. “I wouldn’t believe it until I saw you with my own two eyes.” She held me close to her and I could smell the scent of the after-shower splash she used. I hugged her tightly and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“I missed you, Betty.”
“For shame, boy.” She shook her head and slapped my upper arm. “You had all of us so worried and upset.” Her words were tight, but I could see the love shining through her eyes as she gazed at me.
“I’m sorry.” I bent my head in shame. “You know that I didn’t want to hurt anyone.”
“I know, now come in and have some tea and cookies.” Betty grabbed my arm and led me to the door. “And Lucky, dear, as always it’s a pleasure to see you. You’re looking positively radiant. I’m so excited for you and Zane. When Sidney told me that he finally came to his senses and proposed, I praised the Lord. Even though, I still think you would be perfect for our Noah.”
“Betty!” Sidney admonished her and I laughed easily.
“I agree, Betty. Lucky is the second-most perfect girl for me, after you. Unfortunately, you’re both taken.”
“Oh, Noah. Ssshhhh.” She shook her head but I could see the small smile on her face, showing me that she was happy at my words.
“You sweet talking my wife, boy?” Sidney patted me on the back and his eyes sparkled at me. “You do know she’s a married woman?”
“I can’t help it if she leaves you for me.” I grinned back at him, and my heart filled with affection for him as he gave me a wicked smile.
“Take her, you’ll be doing me a favor.”
“I’m sure Zane would feel the same way.” Lucky laughed. “He’d be only too happy to give me away.”
“That boy would kill Noah if he laid a hand on you.” Sidney growled. “I just got my boy back. I’m not ready to lose him again so quickly.”
“Ha ha. Neither am I.” Lucky squeezed my arm before following Betty into the kitchen. “I’ll leave you two alone for a bit and go and help Betty in the kitchen.”
“So, it’s good to see you.” Sidney gave me a big hug and studied my face. “You look different.” He nodded as if agreeing to a comment someone had made. “You look like a man who has been to the edge of the world and back.”
“Really?” I half-smiled. “Though I do feel like I’ve been to the edge of hell.”
“I’ve missed you.” He sat down on a couch, gripping the arms, and my heart sank as I realized how much thinner he looked. His hair was also completely gray, and as I stared at him, it struck me that he had aged significantly. I felt sad that I had missed a year of his life—a year was such a long amount of time.
“I missed you as well. Thank you for keeping my secret.”
“It was hard. I’m not going to lie. Your brother looked like death warmed up. If it wasn’t for Lucky being there for him, I’m not sure I would have been able to have kept it a secret.”
“I would have understood if you had felt the need to tell him. It wasn’t fair to burden you like that.”
“I was honored that you trusted me enough to tell me.”
“You’re one of my best friends.” I spoke honestly. “I thought about you a lot when I was away.”
“So how was it in Palm Beach?” Sidney gave me a wide smile and his eyes danced with mirth.
“You know, I wish I had been in Palm Beach.” I laughed. “And you’re going to keep at it until I tell you where I was, huh? I was in a city called Palm Bonita, and trust me, Palm Bonita was not a city that would have been featured on Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous.” I shuddered in remembrance. “Though it may have been the set for the Twilight Zone.”
“That great?” He shook his head and smiled before his expression turned more serious. He looked me and up and down slowly and then spoke again. “I can tell it was tough. Your eyes tell a different story now.”
“They do?” I looked at him in surprise. “I didn’t know that my eyes told a story, period,” I said and then laughed.
“Yes.” Sidney sat back and stretched his legs out carefully. “When we first met, your eyes were full of hope, wonder and sadness. Though the sadness was for me and my story. You were sensitive to what I had been through. You were full of compassion and sincerity, but it was for my story. Now that sadness shines through you as if it has also touched your soul. Your eyes have a tinge of bleakness as well, as if your heart has been cracked a little bit. You’re sad now. You’ve seen other sadness, I think, and this sadness has impacted your life.” He squinted at me, and was silent for a moment as he assessed my face again.
“Wow, you’re good.” I said slightly uncomfortable at how easily he had been able to read me. I looked to the side of the room and studied the family photographs on the table. “You never told me you were a psychic.”
“I’ve gone through unspeakable pain. I don’t talk about it much because the past is the past, but real pain. Gut wrenching pain, it never leaves you. And once you’ve been through it, you can tell when someone else has.” His voice was light, but intense. “Did you know that when I was fifteen, my brother dated a white girl? A pretty young blonde girl. She was a nice girl. Very sweet. They used to go to the movies. Well, one day some neighborhood boys from her school found out and they told my brother to stay away from her. My brother, he didn’t listen. We were in the North, you know. We didn’t think we had to worry like in the South. In the South, we wouldn’t have even looked at a white girl. Well, those boys, they didn’t like my brother’s answer. One night after he walked Ellen, that was her name, home, he got jumped by about five boys. Beat him black and blue. His nose was bleeding, his lip was cracked, and we come to find out later that he had a few cracked ribs. Well, my brother didn’t want to make no fuss. He didn’t want to get anyone into any trouble. We found out later that Ellen’s brother was involved in the jumping.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. That’s awful.”
“My brother lost sight in his left eye, and Ellen went on to marry one of the boys that beat my brother up.” Sidney’s voice was sad. “I never could understand how people could be so hateful and vile. That was the incident that broke my trust in humans and their innate goodness. People ain’t all good. That’s what you got to understand. Some people are just evil. There is no reason to it. It’ll break your heart once you realize that. You’ve realized that now. You’ve witnessed the cruelty that exists in some human beings. I can see it in your soul.”
“I have.” I nodded slowly and realized how aptly he had voiced the pain I know felt. Once again I was blown away by how accurate Sidney was in his evaluation of me and his ability to see into my soul and heart. “You’re good.”
“I wish I wasn’t.” He smiled at me sadly. “If there was one person I wished would never experience the cruelty of humans to one another, it would be you, my son. You more than anyone shouldn’t have to feel and witness the evil in the world. For you are all light, my boy. You were the one that made me believe in goodness again.”
“And I’m a good ol’ white boy.” I grinned at him, touched by his words and he laughed.
“Ain’t nothing about color. There be good white men and good black men. And there be bad white men and bad black men. It’s about the person inside. Can’t judge on the exterior.” He looked me in the eyes. “But I know you know that.”
“I wish everyone did.”
“It comes to most of us sooner or later.” Sidney shrugged. “To some it comes on the deathbed. But it comes. I’m lucky I met you. Or I could have spent the rest of my days thinking that all white men be the devil.”
“Or the devil incarnate.” I grinned at him, and he chuckled.
“So tell me what got you looking like your whole world ended.”
“I don’t look that bad, do I?” I made a face, and he shook his head.
“To most of the world, I’m sure you look just fine. Maybe better than fine. But to those of us who love you, you look lost.”
“I met someone in Palm Bonita.” I made a face. “Crazy, right? She was beautiful and sassy and we started dating and at first everything was perfect.”
“What changed?”
“She wasn’t the person I thought she was.”
“She broke your heart?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Not in the way that you think, though.” I sighed and bit my lip before continuing. “I’ve never really been in love. Or I should say, felt love. I’ve always had Zane and loved him, but I’ve never had another person reach that spot in my heart. And in Palm Bonita that changed. I felt an overwhelming and heart-stopping love, and I had to walk away from it, and I’m crushed. And there was nothing I could do. I’ve never felt so hopeless.”
“There’s nothing you can do?”
“Not legally.”
“That’s why you wanted me to contact my son, huh? You’ve got a big heart.” Sidney stared at me, and he looked thoughtful. I had a feeling he understood my vague comments better than I did. It was uncanny how he always seemed to understand what I was thinking or saying without me being very clear.
“Big hearts don’t always get you everywhere.”
“Everyone’s not perfect, Noah.” He leaned towards me. “And not everyone has a big heart. You’re the exception and not the rule, even though I wish that wasn’t true.” He paused, and gave me a look. “But you’re not God, Noah. You can’t protect everyone.”
“You want me to tell Zane.” I sighed.
“He has a right to know. You can’t just hide that from him.”
“You just don’t understand. I think he’ll be devastated if he learns the truth. Growing up, he had so many issues and so much hatred towards our mom. And I just don’t want to see him go through any more unnecessary pain.”
“You can’t not tell him because you’re afraid of how it will affect him. He’s a big boy.”
“It does feel like a bit of a first date.” I laughed. “I have butterflies in my stomach that are dying to break out.”
“I didn’t know that guys got nerves as well,” she said and then laughed along with me.
“Oh, trust me. We get nerves, all right.”
“Are you worried about what they’ll say?” Lucky gave me a concerned look. “I’m sure they’ll just be happy to see you. And Sidney knew you were not really dead, so he shouldn’t be mad at you, right?”
“He won’t be mad about that. He won’t be mad about anything, really. I know he’s disappointed in me for not telling Zane everything about, well, you know, but he’s not mad at me. He understands.” I jumped out of the car. “Sidney is like a dad to me, a dad and a best friend. It’s hard to explain.”
“No, I understand. He’s a good guy.” Lucky nodded. “I’m very fond of him myself.”
“I feel like he’s a kindred spirit, you know?” I looked into her earnest brown eyes and I could see why my brother loved her so much. “He’s been through hell and back in his life and he’s not bitter. I want to learn from him. This documentary has served as a learning and educational experience in more ways than one.”
“It makes me want to cry when he tells me what he went through.” Lucky gave me a weak smile and there were tears in her eyes. “I don’t understand how people can hate others that much.”
“I think it was fear more than hate.” I thought for a moment. “Or fear that simmered and became hate. I don’t really understand how people can hurt others, without being affected themselves. It must take a really coldhearted person to hurt someone they should love.” My words drifted off as I realized I had gotten off topic.
“Yeah.” Lucky looked over at me with questioning eyes. “Hate is a weird emotion. And what it leads people to do. I couldn’t even imagine not having access to to school or to teachers. It just seems unfathomable.”
“Or being spat upon and tormented mercilessly day by day.” I continued her thoughts. “Though it happens today to many children. Too many children are abused mentally, emotionally and physically.”
“I know, I guess they are all just bullies.” Lucky looked disgusted. “People can be really disgusting sometimes.”
“Yes. The targets just change.” I sighed and tried to clear my thoughts. Now was not the time for me to start thinking about Palm Bonita. “But let’s not dwell on the sad right now. Though you’ve given me a good idea. Maybe we can work on a video that talks about the similarities between racism during the times of integration and bullying in schools in modern-day America.”
“That’s a brilliant idea.” Lucky’s eyes blazed with excitement. “I hadn’t even thought of that, but it sounds like an awesome premise.” She reached over and grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “I’m so glad you’re back, Noah.”
“I am—”
“Are you guys going to stand out on my front lawn the whole day?” Sidney’s voice boomed out of the front door, and he grinned at me as I turned towards him.
“Oh, God, Noah.” Betty Johnson came out from behind her husband and rushed towards me to give me a hug. “I wouldn’t believe it until I saw you with my own two eyes.” She held me close to her and I could smell the scent of the after-shower splash she used. I hugged her tightly and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“I missed you, Betty.”
“For shame, boy.” She shook her head and slapped my upper arm. “You had all of us so worried and upset.” Her words were tight, but I could see the love shining through her eyes as she gazed at me.
“I’m sorry.” I bent my head in shame. “You know that I didn’t want to hurt anyone.”
“I know, now come in and have some tea and cookies.” Betty grabbed my arm and led me to the door. “And Lucky, dear, as always it’s a pleasure to see you. You’re looking positively radiant. I’m so excited for you and Zane. When Sidney told me that he finally came to his senses and proposed, I praised the Lord. Even though, I still think you would be perfect for our Noah.”
“Betty!” Sidney admonished her and I laughed easily.
“I agree, Betty. Lucky is the second-most perfect girl for me, after you. Unfortunately, you’re both taken.”
“Oh, Noah. Ssshhhh.” She shook her head but I could see the small smile on her face, showing me that she was happy at my words.
“You sweet talking my wife, boy?” Sidney patted me on the back and his eyes sparkled at me. “You do know she’s a married woman?”
“I can’t help it if she leaves you for me.” I grinned back at him, and my heart filled with affection for him as he gave me a wicked smile.
“Take her, you’ll be doing me a favor.”
“I’m sure Zane would feel the same way.” Lucky laughed. “He’d be only too happy to give me away.”
“That boy would kill Noah if he laid a hand on you.” Sidney growled. “I just got my boy back. I’m not ready to lose him again so quickly.”
“Ha ha. Neither am I.” Lucky squeezed my arm before following Betty into the kitchen. “I’ll leave you two alone for a bit and go and help Betty in the kitchen.”
“So, it’s good to see you.” Sidney gave me a big hug and studied my face. “You look different.” He nodded as if agreeing to a comment someone had made. “You look like a man who has been to the edge of the world and back.”
“Really?” I half-smiled. “Though I do feel like I’ve been to the edge of hell.”
“I’ve missed you.” He sat down on a couch, gripping the arms, and my heart sank as I realized how much thinner he looked. His hair was also completely gray, and as I stared at him, it struck me that he had aged significantly. I felt sad that I had missed a year of his life—a year was such a long amount of time.
“I missed you as well. Thank you for keeping my secret.”
“It was hard. I’m not going to lie. Your brother looked like death warmed up. If it wasn’t for Lucky being there for him, I’m not sure I would have been able to have kept it a secret.”
“I would have understood if you had felt the need to tell him. It wasn’t fair to burden you like that.”
“I was honored that you trusted me enough to tell me.”
“You’re one of my best friends.” I spoke honestly. “I thought about you a lot when I was away.”
“So how was it in Palm Beach?” Sidney gave me a wide smile and his eyes danced with mirth.
“You know, I wish I had been in Palm Beach.” I laughed. “And you’re going to keep at it until I tell you where I was, huh? I was in a city called Palm Bonita, and trust me, Palm Bonita was not a city that would have been featured on Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous.” I shuddered in remembrance. “Though it may have been the set for the Twilight Zone.”
“That great?” He shook his head and smiled before his expression turned more serious. He looked me and up and down slowly and then spoke again. “I can tell it was tough. Your eyes tell a different story now.”
“They do?” I looked at him in surprise. “I didn’t know that my eyes told a story, period,” I said and then laughed.
“Yes.” Sidney sat back and stretched his legs out carefully. “When we first met, your eyes were full of hope, wonder and sadness. Though the sadness was for me and my story. You were sensitive to what I had been through. You were full of compassion and sincerity, but it was for my story. Now that sadness shines through you as if it has also touched your soul. Your eyes have a tinge of bleakness as well, as if your heart has been cracked a little bit. You’re sad now. You’ve seen other sadness, I think, and this sadness has impacted your life.” He squinted at me, and was silent for a moment as he assessed my face again.
“Wow, you’re good.” I said slightly uncomfortable at how easily he had been able to read me. I looked to the side of the room and studied the family photographs on the table. “You never told me you were a psychic.”
“I’ve gone through unspeakable pain. I don’t talk about it much because the past is the past, but real pain. Gut wrenching pain, it never leaves you. And once you’ve been through it, you can tell when someone else has.” His voice was light, but intense. “Did you know that when I was fifteen, my brother dated a white girl? A pretty young blonde girl. She was a nice girl. Very sweet. They used to go to the movies. Well, one day some neighborhood boys from her school found out and they told my brother to stay away from her. My brother, he didn’t listen. We were in the North, you know. We didn’t think we had to worry like in the South. In the South, we wouldn’t have even looked at a white girl. Well, those boys, they didn’t like my brother’s answer. One night after he walked Ellen, that was her name, home, he got jumped by about five boys. Beat him black and blue. His nose was bleeding, his lip was cracked, and we come to find out later that he had a few cracked ribs. Well, my brother didn’t want to make no fuss. He didn’t want to get anyone into any trouble. We found out later that Ellen’s brother was involved in the jumping.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. That’s awful.”
“My brother lost sight in his left eye, and Ellen went on to marry one of the boys that beat my brother up.” Sidney’s voice was sad. “I never could understand how people could be so hateful and vile. That was the incident that broke my trust in humans and their innate goodness. People ain’t all good. That’s what you got to understand. Some people are just evil. There is no reason to it. It’ll break your heart once you realize that. You’ve realized that now. You’ve witnessed the cruelty that exists in some human beings. I can see it in your soul.”
“I have.” I nodded slowly and realized how aptly he had voiced the pain I know felt. Once again I was blown away by how accurate Sidney was in his evaluation of me and his ability to see into my soul and heart. “You’re good.”
“I wish I wasn’t.” He smiled at me sadly. “If there was one person I wished would never experience the cruelty of humans to one another, it would be you, my son. You more than anyone shouldn’t have to feel and witness the evil in the world. For you are all light, my boy. You were the one that made me believe in goodness again.”
“And I’m a good ol’ white boy.” I grinned at him, touched by his words and he laughed.
“Ain’t nothing about color. There be good white men and good black men. And there be bad white men and bad black men. It’s about the person inside. Can’t judge on the exterior.” He looked me in the eyes. “But I know you know that.”
“I wish everyone did.”
“It comes to most of us sooner or later.” Sidney shrugged. “To some it comes on the deathbed. But it comes. I’m lucky I met you. Or I could have spent the rest of my days thinking that all white men be the devil.”
“Or the devil incarnate.” I grinned at him, and he chuckled.
“So tell me what got you looking like your whole world ended.”
“I don’t look that bad, do I?” I made a face, and he shook his head.
“To most of the world, I’m sure you look just fine. Maybe better than fine. But to those of us who love you, you look lost.”
“I met someone in Palm Bonita.” I made a face. “Crazy, right? She was beautiful and sassy and we started dating and at first everything was perfect.”
“What changed?”
“She wasn’t the person I thought she was.”
“She broke your heart?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Not in the way that you think, though.” I sighed and bit my lip before continuing. “I’ve never really been in love. Or I should say, felt love. I’ve always had Zane and loved him, but I’ve never had another person reach that spot in my heart. And in Palm Bonita that changed. I felt an overwhelming and heart-stopping love, and I had to walk away from it, and I’m crushed. And there was nothing I could do. I’ve never felt so hopeless.”
“There’s nothing you can do?”
“Not legally.”
“That’s why you wanted me to contact my son, huh? You’ve got a big heart.” Sidney stared at me, and he looked thoughtful. I had a feeling he understood my vague comments better than I did. It was uncanny how he always seemed to understand what I was thinking or saying without me being very clear.
“Big hearts don’t always get you everywhere.”
“Everyone’s not perfect, Noah.” He leaned towards me. “And not everyone has a big heart. You’re the exception and not the rule, even though I wish that wasn’t true.” He paused, and gave me a look. “But you’re not God, Noah. You can’t protect everyone.”
“You want me to tell Zane.” I sighed.
“He has a right to know. You can’t just hide that from him.”
“You just don’t understand. I think he’ll be devastated if he learns the truth. Growing up, he had so many issues and so much hatred towards our mom. And I just don’t want to see him go through any more unnecessary pain.”
“You can’t not tell him because you’re afraid of how it will affect him. He’s a big boy.”
