The Other Side of Love
Page 7
“I don’t want him to feel any differently about me, either.” I made a face. “I know I’m being selfish, but I don’t want our relationship to change.”
“It’s not your fault, Noah. He’s not going to blame you.”
“It changes everything.”
“It changes nothing.”
“It’s a life-changing piece of information.” I took a deep breath.
“Have you spoken to your mom?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I can’t respect her for what she did.”
“Can’t you forgive her?”
“She wants nothing to do with Zane.” I almost whispered the words. “I don’t know how she can distance herself like that.”
“Love is a funny thing.”
“I can’t accept it.” I shook my head vehemently. “I’ve witnessed first-hand the devastation that comes from not being wanted.”
“It’s a cruel thing to do to a child.”
“I won’t lose two people to that sort of devastation. I don’t want be a witness to two people being heartbroken from the pain and rejection of two people that should love them.” I jumped up as I saw Lucky and Betty approaching the door. “Need any help, ladies?”
“We’re fine, thank you.” Lucky smiled at me gratefully as she walked into the room. She placed the teapot on the table and Betty followed behind her with a tray of cups and saucers. She gasped quickly and rubbed her belly in amazement and I stared at her with a worried expression.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes, it’s great. I think I just felt the babies kick for the first time. Come.” She motioned me over to her and grabbed my hand and placed it on her stomach. “Let’s see if they do it again.” I stood there waiting for a few moments, but nothing happened. I let go of her stomach, slightly disappointed, and Sidney gave me a look.
“It’s a good thing them babies didn’t kick again, you know how disappointed their papa would have been if he would have heard that news.”
“He’d kill me.” I laughed. “After everything that has happened, this would be the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
“You don’t want to break the camel’s back.” Betty poured the tea and handed me a cup. “Not when the camel just started walking again.”
“Zane’s not that crazy.” Lucky shook her head at the offer of a teacup. “I’ll just have water, thanks, Betty.”
“He’s not. But it’s a special moment. I’m sure he’d like to be the first to feel his babies kick.”
“Yeah.” Lucky blushed. “About that, I think I was mistaken.” She giggled. “I think I had gas.”
“Really?” I laughed as a tide of red covered her face.
“Yeah.” She nodded. “I think it’s too early for the babies to be kicking. I’ll have to check with the doctor. I’m pretty sure what I felt wasn’t a kick.” She groaned. “Do not tell Zane, please. He’ll never let me live this down.”
“Okay.” I smiled at her and ruffled her hair. “You owe me one.”
“Now, children, are we going to talk about our documentary? Are all systems go now?” Sidney interrupted us and raised an eyebrow at me. “I’ve told my whole family about this film, and everyone in Chicago is waiting to see my ugly mug on the screen.”
“You’re not ugly, Sidney,” Lucky protested while Betty rolled her eyes.
“Don’t play into his act, Lucky.” She sat down next to me and handed me a plate with an assortment of cookies. I took a piece of shortbread and she nodded at me encouragingly to take another piece. “You’re a growing boy, Noah. Another piece of shortbread won’t stay on your h*ps like it does mine.”
“What about me?” Sidney frowned and leaned forward to grab a cookie.
“You don’t need any cookies.” Betty glared at him. “Think of your cholesterol. You know what Dr. Rothstein said.”
“Dr. Rothstein doesn’t know everything.” Sidney sat back and looked at me with a ‘Well, this sucks’ face.
“He knows more than you do.” Betty scolded him. “And he told you to stay away from cookies, cakes, fried dishes—”
“Yeah, yeah.” He turned towards me. “So, I was thinking that it would be cool if you featured my other wife as well.”
“Excuse me?” I looked at him in confusion.
“I thought you could include my other wife in the documentary.”
“What other wife?” I looked at Betty, who was mumbling under her breath.
“The one I’m going to marry once I divorce Betty for not allowing me to eat the things I enjoy.” Sidney laughed, and Betty shook her head at him.
“I swear, Sidney Johnson, you’re just like a little boy.”
“Well, what do you expect if you keep mothering me?” He rolled his eyes.
“I wouldn’t mother you if you acted your age and listened to the doctor.”
“Doctors don’t always get it right. Didn’t I tell you how they cut off Louis’s right leg instead of his left because the doctor read the chart wrong? Now instead of only having one leg, he has none. And whose fault was that?” Sidney’s voice rose. “Not Louis’s, I’ll tell you that.”
“Well, it was Louis’s fault that he let his diabetes get so bad that he needed to have any leg cut off.” Betty responded back to him with a stern look, and Lucky and I exchanged a quick smile at their banter. I decided to interrupt the conversation because I had a feeling that it was only going to escalate if I didn’t.
“So, I was thinking that the focus of the documentary could be about identity.” I paused and realized that everyone was staring at me in interest. “Originally, the focus of this documentary was going to be on race and the civil rights movement, but I’ve been thinking and I want to expand our subject matter. Let’s be honest, our current audience is limited. Race is a sensitive subject, and not everyone can relate. Or, let’s be honest, not everyone wants to relate. I want people to understand that we’re all in this together. We all have issues related to poverty and identity and we’ve all faced them in different ways.”
“You haven’t really had poverty issues though.” Lucky looked at me seriously. “And I don’t want to dumb down the documentary because it might make people uncomfortable. Let’s be real here, African Americans have had the worst assimilation experience in the United States.”
“But that doesn’t mean that others don’t also have their own issues. As humans, we inherently care about other people. It’s in our nature. But we care more about what affects us in our everyday lives, and our families. So if we can create a piece that talks about the very real experiences that people have gone through related to identity, then we can reach more people.”
“I guess I don’t understand. What identity issues are you talking about? I know you’re not going to talk about the issues of being a white male.” Lucky made a face and her voice was loud and obstinate. “Because we all know that the best thing to be in life is a white male.”
“Some would say a white female.” I cocked my head and stared at her. “Doesn’t she control the white male?”
“Women as a whole are seen as inferior to men.” Lucky’s voice grew agitated. “We’re seen as sex objects or domesticators. Men do not take us seriously. Not as a whole. And not every white female has power. What about the women that aren’t as attractive, or who grow up in poor environments, or what about those who are lesbians?”
“Exactly my point. There are many denominators in everyone’s story. Yes, it’s true. You take a random white male and a random black male and it is very likely that the white male has had more advantage in his life. But it’s not true for everyone. To be born white and male doesn’t guarantee anything in life. To be born white, male, and with the last name Kennedy or Windsor may mean something else. But most of us don’t fit that mold.”
“I don’t want to focus a historical documentary on the plight of white males.” Lucky looked at me with disappointment, and I held my hand up.
“I think you’re misunderstanding me.” I looked at Sidney and Betty, who were both looking at me with interested looks on their faces. I smiled at them gratefully, glad that they didn’t look as upset as Lucky did at my suggestion.
“Here’s the thing. I don’t want the focus to be about black or white. I want the focus to be on this. This is the trajectory of life for certain people. I don’t want to tell people this is the story of every black American, or the story of every white American. I want people to think, ‘Wow, this is a powerful story, and this is how it connects to my life.’ I want people to look at their everyday lives and realize how much they have in common with people that they would never think they had anything in common with. I don’t want this to be a black story about black people. I don’t want people to say, ‘Well, segregation is over, and that was the past. We’re past that now.’ It’s not true. And it’s not fair. I want people to see that this is a story about human beings and that our identities are made up of things that don’t matter. Our race doesn’t matter, our gender doesn’t matter, our bloodlines don’t matter. We should love and treat each other equally. At the end of the day, we need to see past these things. We need to understand that love, true love, the love that we should feel for each other isn’t or shouldn’t be based on things beyond our control.” My voice was loud and incensed as I finished talking and I sat back slightly embarrassed at how passionate I had gotten as I was talking. “Sorry, you guys can disagree with me. I just wanted to tell you my thoughts.”
“I like your ideas.” Lucky grinned at me. “I think you’re right. We’ll reach a wider audience, and we won’t alienate as many people.”
“Thanks.” I turned towards Sidney and Betty to see what they thought. I held my breath as I was slightly worried that they were going to be upset with me. I looked at Betty first and she gave me a warm smile. Her eyes shone at me with emotion and she patted my knee as if consoling me for the hidden feelings that she knew were trying to escape.
“You’ve grown.” Sidney’s voice was serious and low. “I remember the boy that walked through my front door, so incensed about the injustice that I had been through, that many blacks have been through. The boy who felt my pain but didn’t quite understand the dynamics of that history. And now you’re a man, and you’ve got your own story, one that you want to tell, and I’m hurting for you inside. But behind that hurt is pride. I’m proud of you, my son. I’m proud of the man you’re becoming. I was proud of the boy you were. But I’m proud of the man you are becoming as well. Just don’t let what you’ve gone through break you. We love you, and we are all here for you when you’re ready to talk about it.” Sidney sat up slowly. “And I’ll tell you all one thing, one thing that hits home in this whole conversation. My life changed the day I stopped looking at myself as a black man first and foremost. I look at myself as a man and a husband. My race, as categorized through the eyes of others, doesn’t make up who I am. If someone chooses to be afraid of me, or to look down upon me, or think I’m uneducated, or inferior, well, that’s on them. That’s between them and their God. I don’t take on those stereotypes anymore. I’m not a criminal and I’m not inferior. I’m black and I’m God damn proud of it, but that doesn’t define my life. I won’t let that fear of what others are thinking or feeling about me control me. It’s taken me a long time to get to this place. My identity has always been that of a black man and what that means for me and for everyone around me. Now my identity is that of a loving husband and father.” He laughed. “Don’t get it wrong, though. I’ve only recently gotten to that place. But I’ve been angry and upset for too long now. I realized that God didn’t want me to carry that burden any longer.”
“That’s not an easy thing to do.” My stomach twisted as I thought about Skylar and the burden I carried around with me every day.
“It’s not easy, but sometimes letting go and forgiving others and yourself is the only way to move forward in life.” Sidney stared into my eyes. “There’s always more life to live, and sometimes you just have to live it. You don’t want to wake up and be eighty years old and regretting the path you took.”
“Yeah.” I nodded and looked down. “It’s just not that easy to move on. Especially when you know the other person is still living in that place, in that pain, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.”
“There’s never nothing you can do.” Sidney looked up and stared at me. “You just have to think it through a little bit harder. But there’s never nothing you can do.”
“That’s true.” I nodded at him and sighed. There was one thing I could do, but if I did it, there was a possibility I could go to jail for the rest of my life. And even worse than that was the possibility that I could put Skylar in even more harm.
Chapter 5
“Aren’t you going to kiss me?” She grinned up at me, with a devilish glint in her blue eyes. “We’ve been on two dates now.”
“I didn’t want to assume anything.” I smiled at her and studied her pouty bright red lips. “Though I suppose I should have read the signs a bit better.”
“It’s not your fault, Noah. He’s not going to blame you.”
“It changes everything.”
“It changes nothing.”
“It’s a life-changing piece of information.” I took a deep breath.
“Have you spoken to your mom?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I can’t respect her for what she did.”
“Can’t you forgive her?”
“She wants nothing to do with Zane.” I almost whispered the words. “I don’t know how she can distance herself like that.”
“Love is a funny thing.”
“I can’t accept it.” I shook my head vehemently. “I’ve witnessed first-hand the devastation that comes from not being wanted.”
“It’s a cruel thing to do to a child.”
“I won’t lose two people to that sort of devastation. I don’t want be a witness to two people being heartbroken from the pain and rejection of two people that should love them.” I jumped up as I saw Lucky and Betty approaching the door. “Need any help, ladies?”
“We’re fine, thank you.” Lucky smiled at me gratefully as she walked into the room. She placed the teapot on the table and Betty followed behind her with a tray of cups and saucers. She gasped quickly and rubbed her belly in amazement and I stared at her with a worried expression.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes, it’s great. I think I just felt the babies kick for the first time. Come.” She motioned me over to her and grabbed my hand and placed it on her stomach. “Let’s see if they do it again.” I stood there waiting for a few moments, but nothing happened. I let go of her stomach, slightly disappointed, and Sidney gave me a look.
“It’s a good thing them babies didn’t kick again, you know how disappointed their papa would have been if he would have heard that news.”
“He’d kill me.” I laughed. “After everything that has happened, this would be the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
“You don’t want to break the camel’s back.” Betty poured the tea and handed me a cup. “Not when the camel just started walking again.”
“Zane’s not that crazy.” Lucky shook her head at the offer of a teacup. “I’ll just have water, thanks, Betty.”
“He’s not. But it’s a special moment. I’m sure he’d like to be the first to feel his babies kick.”
“Yeah.” Lucky blushed. “About that, I think I was mistaken.” She giggled. “I think I had gas.”
“Really?” I laughed as a tide of red covered her face.
“Yeah.” She nodded. “I think it’s too early for the babies to be kicking. I’ll have to check with the doctor. I’m pretty sure what I felt wasn’t a kick.” She groaned. “Do not tell Zane, please. He’ll never let me live this down.”
“Okay.” I smiled at her and ruffled her hair. “You owe me one.”
“Now, children, are we going to talk about our documentary? Are all systems go now?” Sidney interrupted us and raised an eyebrow at me. “I’ve told my whole family about this film, and everyone in Chicago is waiting to see my ugly mug on the screen.”
“You’re not ugly, Sidney,” Lucky protested while Betty rolled her eyes.
“Don’t play into his act, Lucky.” She sat down next to me and handed me a plate with an assortment of cookies. I took a piece of shortbread and she nodded at me encouragingly to take another piece. “You’re a growing boy, Noah. Another piece of shortbread won’t stay on your h*ps like it does mine.”
“What about me?” Sidney frowned and leaned forward to grab a cookie.
“You don’t need any cookies.” Betty glared at him. “Think of your cholesterol. You know what Dr. Rothstein said.”
“Dr. Rothstein doesn’t know everything.” Sidney sat back and looked at me with a ‘Well, this sucks’ face.
“He knows more than you do.” Betty scolded him. “And he told you to stay away from cookies, cakes, fried dishes—”
“Yeah, yeah.” He turned towards me. “So, I was thinking that it would be cool if you featured my other wife as well.”
“Excuse me?” I looked at him in confusion.
“I thought you could include my other wife in the documentary.”
“What other wife?” I looked at Betty, who was mumbling under her breath.
“The one I’m going to marry once I divorce Betty for not allowing me to eat the things I enjoy.” Sidney laughed, and Betty shook her head at him.
“I swear, Sidney Johnson, you’re just like a little boy.”
“Well, what do you expect if you keep mothering me?” He rolled his eyes.
“I wouldn’t mother you if you acted your age and listened to the doctor.”
“Doctors don’t always get it right. Didn’t I tell you how they cut off Louis’s right leg instead of his left because the doctor read the chart wrong? Now instead of only having one leg, he has none. And whose fault was that?” Sidney’s voice rose. “Not Louis’s, I’ll tell you that.”
“Well, it was Louis’s fault that he let his diabetes get so bad that he needed to have any leg cut off.” Betty responded back to him with a stern look, and Lucky and I exchanged a quick smile at their banter. I decided to interrupt the conversation because I had a feeling that it was only going to escalate if I didn’t.
“So, I was thinking that the focus of the documentary could be about identity.” I paused and realized that everyone was staring at me in interest. “Originally, the focus of this documentary was going to be on race and the civil rights movement, but I’ve been thinking and I want to expand our subject matter. Let’s be honest, our current audience is limited. Race is a sensitive subject, and not everyone can relate. Or, let’s be honest, not everyone wants to relate. I want people to understand that we’re all in this together. We all have issues related to poverty and identity and we’ve all faced them in different ways.”
“You haven’t really had poverty issues though.” Lucky looked at me seriously. “And I don’t want to dumb down the documentary because it might make people uncomfortable. Let’s be real here, African Americans have had the worst assimilation experience in the United States.”
“But that doesn’t mean that others don’t also have their own issues. As humans, we inherently care about other people. It’s in our nature. But we care more about what affects us in our everyday lives, and our families. So if we can create a piece that talks about the very real experiences that people have gone through related to identity, then we can reach more people.”
“I guess I don’t understand. What identity issues are you talking about? I know you’re not going to talk about the issues of being a white male.” Lucky made a face and her voice was loud and obstinate. “Because we all know that the best thing to be in life is a white male.”
“Some would say a white female.” I cocked my head and stared at her. “Doesn’t she control the white male?”
“Women as a whole are seen as inferior to men.” Lucky’s voice grew agitated. “We’re seen as sex objects or domesticators. Men do not take us seriously. Not as a whole. And not every white female has power. What about the women that aren’t as attractive, or who grow up in poor environments, or what about those who are lesbians?”
“Exactly my point. There are many denominators in everyone’s story. Yes, it’s true. You take a random white male and a random black male and it is very likely that the white male has had more advantage in his life. But it’s not true for everyone. To be born white and male doesn’t guarantee anything in life. To be born white, male, and with the last name Kennedy or Windsor may mean something else. But most of us don’t fit that mold.”
“I don’t want to focus a historical documentary on the plight of white males.” Lucky looked at me with disappointment, and I held my hand up.
“I think you’re misunderstanding me.” I looked at Sidney and Betty, who were both looking at me with interested looks on their faces. I smiled at them gratefully, glad that they didn’t look as upset as Lucky did at my suggestion.
“Here’s the thing. I don’t want the focus to be about black or white. I want the focus to be on this. This is the trajectory of life for certain people. I don’t want to tell people this is the story of every black American, or the story of every white American. I want people to think, ‘Wow, this is a powerful story, and this is how it connects to my life.’ I want people to look at their everyday lives and realize how much they have in common with people that they would never think they had anything in common with. I don’t want this to be a black story about black people. I don’t want people to say, ‘Well, segregation is over, and that was the past. We’re past that now.’ It’s not true. And it’s not fair. I want people to see that this is a story about human beings and that our identities are made up of things that don’t matter. Our race doesn’t matter, our gender doesn’t matter, our bloodlines don’t matter. We should love and treat each other equally. At the end of the day, we need to see past these things. We need to understand that love, true love, the love that we should feel for each other isn’t or shouldn’t be based on things beyond our control.” My voice was loud and incensed as I finished talking and I sat back slightly embarrassed at how passionate I had gotten as I was talking. “Sorry, you guys can disagree with me. I just wanted to tell you my thoughts.”
“I like your ideas.” Lucky grinned at me. “I think you’re right. We’ll reach a wider audience, and we won’t alienate as many people.”
“Thanks.” I turned towards Sidney and Betty to see what they thought. I held my breath as I was slightly worried that they were going to be upset with me. I looked at Betty first and she gave me a warm smile. Her eyes shone at me with emotion and she patted my knee as if consoling me for the hidden feelings that she knew were trying to escape.
“You’ve grown.” Sidney’s voice was serious and low. “I remember the boy that walked through my front door, so incensed about the injustice that I had been through, that many blacks have been through. The boy who felt my pain but didn’t quite understand the dynamics of that history. And now you’re a man, and you’ve got your own story, one that you want to tell, and I’m hurting for you inside. But behind that hurt is pride. I’m proud of you, my son. I’m proud of the man you’re becoming. I was proud of the boy you were. But I’m proud of the man you are becoming as well. Just don’t let what you’ve gone through break you. We love you, and we are all here for you when you’re ready to talk about it.” Sidney sat up slowly. “And I’ll tell you all one thing, one thing that hits home in this whole conversation. My life changed the day I stopped looking at myself as a black man first and foremost. I look at myself as a man and a husband. My race, as categorized through the eyes of others, doesn’t make up who I am. If someone chooses to be afraid of me, or to look down upon me, or think I’m uneducated, or inferior, well, that’s on them. That’s between them and their God. I don’t take on those stereotypes anymore. I’m not a criminal and I’m not inferior. I’m black and I’m God damn proud of it, but that doesn’t define my life. I won’t let that fear of what others are thinking or feeling about me control me. It’s taken me a long time to get to this place. My identity has always been that of a black man and what that means for me and for everyone around me. Now my identity is that of a loving husband and father.” He laughed. “Don’t get it wrong, though. I’ve only recently gotten to that place. But I’ve been angry and upset for too long now. I realized that God didn’t want me to carry that burden any longer.”
“That’s not an easy thing to do.” My stomach twisted as I thought about Skylar and the burden I carried around with me every day.
“It’s not easy, but sometimes letting go and forgiving others and yourself is the only way to move forward in life.” Sidney stared into my eyes. “There’s always more life to live, and sometimes you just have to live it. You don’t want to wake up and be eighty years old and regretting the path you took.”
“Yeah.” I nodded and looked down. “It’s just not that easy to move on. Especially when you know the other person is still living in that place, in that pain, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.”
“There’s never nothing you can do.” Sidney looked up and stared at me. “You just have to think it through a little bit harder. But there’s never nothing you can do.”
“That’s true.” I nodded at him and sighed. There was one thing I could do, but if I did it, there was a possibility I could go to jail for the rest of my life. And even worse than that was the possibility that I could put Skylar in even more harm.
Chapter 5
“Aren’t you going to kiss me?” She grinned up at me, with a devilish glint in her blue eyes. “We’ve been on two dates now.”
“I didn’t want to assume anything.” I smiled at her and studied her pouty bright red lips. “Though I suppose I should have read the signs a bit better.”
