This Regret
Page 85
I pull my lips away and smile against her mouth. "You should eat up and gain some of that energy back." I rub my hands over the back of her head before pressing my lips to her forehead. "You're so damn beautiful." I look into her eyes and she shyly bites her lip. "Do you know that? I don't want you to ever forget it."
Her eyes watch me as I walk over to the dresser, grab the tray of food and bring it over to set on her lap. She looks down at the tray and smiles. "Steak bagels and hash browns." She looks up at me. "How do you remember all of my favorite meals? That was so long ago, Kellan."
I grab Adric's old guitar and walk over to my side of the bed, tossing the strap around my neck. "Because I cooked them most of the time. I love to cook and I would never forget those days. They were important to me."
She takes a bite of hash browns and swallows hard. Her eyes get a bit glossy, but she quickly turns away and clears her throat. "Everything about you is important to me. Everything you did in the past left a huge impact on my life. That's why I could never forget you." She sets her plate down and leans over, rubbing her thumb under my eye. I grab it and kiss it. "I waited for you every day for over a year. I didn't want to give up on you. I couldn't. I needed you so bad. Why did . . . " Her words trail off as she turns her head away.
I look into her eyes and cup her face. "I know that I hurt you and I'm sorry for that. I never meant to. But please . . . please don't ask me to explain right now. I wouldn't even know where to start and right now, I just want to be with you while I can. I would never lie to you, so please don't ask me, because I would just have to plead the fifth. I want to tell you someday and hope you understand, but not right now. If you end up hating me, I don't think I could handle it right now."
She grabs my wrists and squeezes. Her eyes are filled with pain and confusion and my heart aches just looking at them. I want to ease that pain, but I can't. I'm so f**ked up, she deserves so much better. "I could never hate you, Kellan. I wish you could understand that. I just want you to stay with me. Tell me you'll stay. That you won't take off again. Please, I need to hear it." Her eyes search mine and when I don't answer, she shoves her tray away.
I grab her tray and push it back to her lap. "Please don't do this. I can't tell you I will because it would be a lie, dammit. Can you please just enjoy this moment with me?" I kiss her on the mouth to let her know I care. "Please. Just for right now. You can hate me after you leave."
She lets out a deep breath before biting into her bagel. She looks torn, but answers anyways. "Yeah, I'll do my best."
Half satisfied with her answer, I lean back, close my eyes and play the guitar while she eats. When I open my eyes again, she's looking at me with admiration. She reaches out and runs her hand up the muscles in my arm and looks me in the eyes. I don't turn away, I just stare into her eyes as I play for her. We sit there for a while, both of us silent, just listening to the beautiful music. In this moment, we don't need to say anything. We can both see how much the other cares. At least, I hope she can.
After a few songs, she leans in and kisses me on the cheek. "I need to take a quick shower. I made plans with Jen today and I'm supposed to be there by two." She looks at me, forehead crinkled up and nostrils flared as if she's trying not to cry. "Thanks for last night. I will never forget it."
I sit there, jaw ticking, as she stands up and walks away. I feel like a total dick. I don't know what to say. I hurt her and I know it. I can see it in her eyes. Shit! I'm so stupid. I pull the guitar strap over my head and set it on the bed.
The water from the shower starts and I pace across the bedroom, with my hands in my hair. I need to do something to let her know that even though I can't be here that I care about her. I want her to know she means something to me.
I need to make love to her the right way. No roughness. Just sweet, tender, love making. Fuck! Do I love her? Nah, I can't love her. Not in that way at least. I just care about her. So bad it f**king hurts to think about losing her or to think about hurting her. To think about my brother or any other man having her just pisses me off.
I walk down the hallway, unable to control myself any longer. I want to give her something sweet to keep with her for always. Something to set me apart from anyone else. I want to give her my heart, but I can't. There is nothing to give, so I'll give her my body, the right away.
The bathroom is filled with steam when I walk in and it’shard to see anything around me. She has to have that water really f**king hot to cause the room to look and feel like this. I walk over and slowly open the glass door to the shower, to see her pulling one of my razors up her leg.
She stops when she notices me standing in front of her. "I'm sorry. I saw that you had some extra razors in the cabinet and I didn't think you'd mind. She looks a little worried as if I'm upset with her for using it. How can she think I can ever be upset with her? "Anything of mine is yours," I say without hesitation. Then I step into the shower, close the door and reach for the razor.
I kneel down in front of her and prop her leg against my shoulder, kissing the shaving cream free, section of her soft leg. Then I carefully run the razor over her skin, finishing what she started. I want to show her that if I could, that I'd take care of her. I would do anything for her if I had a choice.
She runs her fingers through my hair and pulls it a little for me to look up at her. "I've never had anyone else shave my legs for me. It's a good thing I trust you." She smiles.
I reach up and grab her hand with my free one, intertwining my fingers with hers. "Well, I've never shaven anyone's legs, so it's a first for both of us." I kiss her leg again. "How much do you trust me?"
She lets out a nervous laugh and watches as I start on her next leg. "Enough to let you shave my leg with that five blade razor." Her face takes on a serious look as I stand up, tossing the razor down beside me. Our eyes meet and my heart palpitates in my chest. "More than I'm afraid I should."
I wrap one arm around her waist and one around her neck, pulling her as close to me as I can. "Can you trust me when I say, I did what I did to protect you and Kade? I promise to tell you everything before I leave, but not now. Right now, I just want to make love to you."
Her eyes watch me as I walk over to the dresser, grab the tray of food and bring it over to set on her lap. She looks down at the tray and smiles. "Steak bagels and hash browns." She looks up at me. "How do you remember all of my favorite meals? That was so long ago, Kellan."
I grab Adric's old guitar and walk over to my side of the bed, tossing the strap around my neck. "Because I cooked them most of the time. I love to cook and I would never forget those days. They were important to me."
She takes a bite of hash browns and swallows hard. Her eyes get a bit glossy, but she quickly turns away and clears her throat. "Everything about you is important to me. Everything you did in the past left a huge impact on my life. That's why I could never forget you." She sets her plate down and leans over, rubbing her thumb under my eye. I grab it and kiss it. "I waited for you every day for over a year. I didn't want to give up on you. I couldn't. I needed you so bad. Why did . . . " Her words trail off as she turns her head away.
I look into her eyes and cup her face. "I know that I hurt you and I'm sorry for that. I never meant to. But please . . . please don't ask me to explain right now. I wouldn't even know where to start and right now, I just want to be with you while I can. I would never lie to you, so please don't ask me, because I would just have to plead the fifth. I want to tell you someday and hope you understand, but not right now. If you end up hating me, I don't think I could handle it right now."
She grabs my wrists and squeezes. Her eyes are filled with pain and confusion and my heart aches just looking at them. I want to ease that pain, but I can't. I'm so f**ked up, she deserves so much better. "I could never hate you, Kellan. I wish you could understand that. I just want you to stay with me. Tell me you'll stay. That you won't take off again. Please, I need to hear it." Her eyes search mine and when I don't answer, she shoves her tray away.
I grab her tray and push it back to her lap. "Please don't do this. I can't tell you I will because it would be a lie, dammit. Can you please just enjoy this moment with me?" I kiss her on the mouth to let her know I care. "Please. Just for right now. You can hate me after you leave."
She lets out a deep breath before biting into her bagel. She looks torn, but answers anyways. "Yeah, I'll do my best."
Half satisfied with her answer, I lean back, close my eyes and play the guitar while she eats. When I open my eyes again, she's looking at me with admiration. She reaches out and runs her hand up the muscles in my arm and looks me in the eyes. I don't turn away, I just stare into her eyes as I play for her. We sit there for a while, both of us silent, just listening to the beautiful music. In this moment, we don't need to say anything. We can both see how much the other cares. At least, I hope she can.
After a few songs, she leans in and kisses me on the cheek. "I need to take a quick shower. I made plans with Jen today and I'm supposed to be there by two." She looks at me, forehead crinkled up and nostrils flared as if she's trying not to cry. "Thanks for last night. I will never forget it."
I sit there, jaw ticking, as she stands up and walks away. I feel like a total dick. I don't know what to say. I hurt her and I know it. I can see it in her eyes. Shit! I'm so stupid. I pull the guitar strap over my head and set it on the bed.
The water from the shower starts and I pace across the bedroom, with my hands in my hair. I need to do something to let her know that even though I can't be here that I care about her. I want her to know she means something to me.
I need to make love to her the right way. No roughness. Just sweet, tender, love making. Fuck! Do I love her? Nah, I can't love her. Not in that way at least. I just care about her. So bad it f**king hurts to think about losing her or to think about hurting her. To think about my brother or any other man having her just pisses me off.
I walk down the hallway, unable to control myself any longer. I want to give her something sweet to keep with her for always. Something to set me apart from anyone else. I want to give her my heart, but I can't. There is nothing to give, so I'll give her my body, the right away.
The bathroom is filled with steam when I walk in and it’shard to see anything around me. She has to have that water really f**king hot to cause the room to look and feel like this. I walk over and slowly open the glass door to the shower, to see her pulling one of my razors up her leg.
She stops when she notices me standing in front of her. "I'm sorry. I saw that you had some extra razors in the cabinet and I didn't think you'd mind. She looks a little worried as if I'm upset with her for using it. How can she think I can ever be upset with her? "Anything of mine is yours," I say without hesitation. Then I step into the shower, close the door and reach for the razor.
I kneel down in front of her and prop her leg against my shoulder, kissing the shaving cream free, section of her soft leg. Then I carefully run the razor over her skin, finishing what she started. I want to show her that if I could, that I'd take care of her. I would do anything for her if I had a choice.
She runs her fingers through my hair and pulls it a little for me to look up at her. "I've never had anyone else shave my legs for me. It's a good thing I trust you." She smiles.
I reach up and grab her hand with my free one, intertwining my fingers with hers. "Well, I've never shaven anyone's legs, so it's a first for both of us." I kiss her leg again. "How much do you trust me?"
She lets out a nervous laugh and watches as I start on her next leg. "Enough to let you shave my leg with that five blade razor." Her face takes on a serious look as I stand up, tossing the razor down beside me. Our eyes meet and my heart palpitates in my chest. "More than I'm afraid I should."
I wrap one arm around her waist and one around her neck, pulling her as close to me as I can. "Can you trust me when I say, I did what I did to protect you and Kade? I promise to tell you everything before I leave, but not now. Right now, I just want to make love to you."
