This Regret
Page 99
". . . you know?" Jen's voice breaks me out of my trance, causing me to look up. "He's really something else, Phoenix."
I'm such a bad friend for not paying attention, but I can't help it. Even if I tried, my mind is just 0somewhere else. "Sure," I mumble, closing my eyes and leaning my head back. I just want to fall asleep and not think anymore. I haven't been able to sleep for crap.
Huffing, Jen shoves my leg and sits down next to me. "Okay. I've had enough of this. Tell me what is going on. You have been moping around for the last two days and you called off from work today. You never call off from work. You haven't missed a day in over two years, darlin'. If you wanted to keep whatever is wrong with you a secret, you could have chosen a way that is a little less obvious, don’t you think?"
I slowly, but loudly, let out my breath, showing her, I don't want to talk about it. "It's nothing I need to bother you with. You have your own problems and Jax to worry about," I remind her. "Please don't worry about me. You finally got a little bit of freedom from being worried and stressed, you need to enjoy the break."
"Oh, I am so worrying about my best friend. Don't you dare talk me out of it, got it? You had your moment of stubbornness when I asked you to leave and you refused. Now it's my turn." She turns and faces me, grabs my arm and pulls so my head is resting on her lap. "Now tell your big sister what's wrong before I strangle you. You know you can’t hide anything from me. I don’t know why you even try." She smiles that Jen smile, lightening the mood.
I should have known it would come down to this; her mothering me like always and me, caving in. She always was the mother hen. I kick my flip flops off and lay my back flat on the cushion of the swing. They are so worn that I can feel the wooden slats pressing into my back. Throwing my legs over the armrest of the swing, I let the sunshine beam down on my face and prepare to bare my soul. "I had a huge fight with Kellan the other day and left, telling him I never wanted to see or talk to him again. I half expected him to come after me, but he didn't. I haven't talked to him since and it hurts. I’ve never felt this way before. I love him, Jen. I don't know what to do. I feel . . . lost . . . empty . . . dead."
Jen squeezes my shoulder and rubs her hand over my forehead, combing her fingers through my hair. "Oh, honey. If you love him that much, then I'm sure it's nothing you can't fix. Did you ever stop and think that maybe he wanted to come after you but was afraid of getting hurt? You know how men are. They can't take having their egos crushed by a woman. They are weaker than us." She smirks. "Kellan is one of the good ones. You and I both have always known that. You can't let someone you have loved for over ten years just slip through your fingers. You have to be the bigger person. I'm sure he's waiting on you as we speak. I thought you were more headstrong than to just give up so easily."
She really doesn't know Kellan like I do. The old Kellan would have come after me. He wouldn't have just let me walk out the door. He would have held my ass down and sat on me until I gave in. Not that I wanted it to quite play out that way, but him at least trying would have been nice. "Jen, I told him to tell me one simple thing and he couldn't even be honest with me. How can I just get past that? If he cared about me at all, he would have been straight forward with me. He wasn't, so I walked; plain and simple." A tear falls down my face, but I quickly catch it before it can hit her lap. "I can't get past that, Jen. I just can't."
I can feel the muscles in her legs flexing underneath my head as she swings us back and forth. Placing her right arm over the back of the swing and rubbing my hair with the other, she stops. “Sweetie, don’t take this the wrong way, but what kind of fairy tale are you living in? You can’t just walk away when things get tough. Love is about give and take. I repeat. Give. And. Take. At least you have someone that is willing to give and not just take. You have to choose your battles Phoenix. You know I love you, but you need to think about what you’re doing before you do it. Sometimes when you walk away, there is no turning back. Even if you regret it after the fact.”
We swing in silence as I take in the information that just came from her mouth. I should have known something wise was going to exit those lips. It always does. She always helps me see the error of my ways when I can’t. That’s why I love her. One thing bothers me though. What if it is too late? Can I live with that forever? Is this one incident really worth being miserable forever?
She sits me up and grabs my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. I can barely even keep eye contact with her as I strive to focus on not crying at the same time. It's too much work and frankly, I'm just too exhausted to give a damn. "I'm not even going to ask what it was about because I have a feeling you would tell me if you wanted to. What I do know, is that he's always wanted nothing more than to protect you. He would never hurt you on purpose. That man has loved you for a long time. Back then, it was a different kind of love, but still, he loved you nonetheless. I can't see him keeping anything from you, unless he was trying to protect you. I don't want to see you miserably in love with a man that you're not even going to try with. I saw the way you looked at him that day at the company picnic. What you didn't notice, was how he looked at you and nobody else. You both had it bad and didn't even know it. Kade knew it. I knew it. You two didn't. Maybe you should just trust that he has your best interest at heart and allow yourself to be happy."
"Look at what I had with Nate. Some girls aren't as lucky as you. If I ever get lucky enough to find what you have with Kellan, you would have to shoot me dead to keep me from trying. I would never let an argument keep me away and you shouldn't either. Love is hard Phoenix. It’s not always easy like you see in fairy tales. You have to take the good with the bad; the scary with the excitement. If you love him, trust him. If not than you need to set him free, but don’t leave him if you can’t let him go. Think about that one."
What the hell has is wrong with me? I just stare at her like she has grown a second head right before me. I’m letting it all sink in.
"But . . .” I look towards the road, grabbing my chest as a motorcycle passes by. Excitement, hope, then sadness washes through me as I see an older man with leather and a white beard going about his business on his Harley.
I'm such a bad friend for not paying attention, but I can't help it. Even if I tried, my mind is just 0somewhere else. "Sure," I mumble, closing my eyes and leaning my head back. I just want to fall asleep and not think anymore. I haven't been able to sleep for crap.
Huffing, Jen shoves my leg and sits down next to me. "Okay. I've had enough of this. Tell me what is going on. You have been moping around for the last two days and you called off from work today. You never call off from work. You haven't missed a day in over two years, darlin'. If you wanted to keep whatever is wrong with you a secret, you could have chosen a way that is a little less obvious, don’t you think?"
I slowly, but loudly, let out my breath, showing her, I don't want to talk about it. "It's nothing I need to bother you with. You have your own problems and Jax to worry about," I remind her. "Please don't worry about me. You finally got a little bit of freedom from being worried and stressed, you need to enjoy the break."
"Oh, I am so worrying about my best friend. Don't you dare talk me out of it, got it? You had your moment of stubbornness when I asked you to leave and you refused. Now it's my turn." She turns and faces me, grabs my arm and pulls so my head is resting on her lap. "Now tell your big sister what's wrong before I strangle you. You know you can’t hide anything from me. I don’t know why you even try." She smiles that Jen smile, lightening the mood.
I should have known it would come down to this; her mothering me like always and me, caving in. She always was the mother hen. I kick my flip flops off and lay my back flat on the cushion of the swing. They are so worn that I can feel the wooden slats pressing into my back. Throwing my legs over the armrest of the swing, I let the sunshine beam down on my face and prepare to bare my soul. "I had a huge fight with Kellan the other day and left, telling him I never wanted to see or talk to him again. I half expected him to come after me, but he didn't. I haven't talked to him since and it hurts. I’ve never felt this way before. I love him, Jen. I don't know what to do. I feel . . . lost . . . empty . . . dead."
Jen squeezes my shoulder and rubs her hand over my forehead, combing her fingers through my hair. "Oh, honey. If you love him that much, then I'm sure it's nothing you can't fix. Did you ever stop and think that maybe he wanted to come after you but was afraid of getting hurt? You know how men are. They can't take having their egos crushed by a woman. They are weaker than us." She smirks. "Kellan is one of the good ones. You and I both have always known that. You can't let someone you have loved for over ten years just slip through your fingers. You have to be the bigger person. I'm sure he's waiting on you as we speak. I thought you were more headstrong than to just give up so easily."
She really doesn't know Kellan like I do. The old Kellan would have come after me. He wouldn't have just let me walk out the door. He would have held my ass down and sat on me until I gave in. Not that I wanted it to quite play out that way, but him at least trying would have been nice. "Jen, I told him to tell me one simple thing and he couldn't even be honest with me. How can I just get past that? If he cared about me at all, he would have been straight forward with me. He wasn't, so I walked; plain and simple." A tear falls down my face, but I quickly catch it before it can hit her lap. "I can't get past that, Jen. I just can't."
I can feel the muscles in her legs flexing underneath my head as she swings us back and forth. Placing her right arm over the back of the swing and rubbing my hair with the other, she stops. “Sweetie, don’t take this the wrong way, but what kind of fairy tale are you living in? You can’t just walk away when things get tough. Love is about give and take. I repeat. Give. And. Take. At least you have someone that is willing to give and not just take. You have to choose your battles Phoenix. You know I love you, but you need to think about what you’re doing before you do it. Sometimes when you walk away, there is no turning back. Even if you regret it after the fact.”
We swing in silence as I take in the information that just came from her mouth. I should have known something wise was going to exit those lips. It always does. She always helps me see the error of my ways when I can’t. That’s why I love her. One thing bothers me though. What if it is too late? Can I live with that forever? Is this one incident really worth being miserable forever?
She sits me up and grabs my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. I can barely even keep eye contact with her as I strive to focus on not crying at the same time. It's too much work and frankly, I'm just too exhausted to give a damn. "I'm not even going to ask what it was about because I have a feeling you would tell me if you wanted to. What I do know, is that he's always wanted nothing more than to protect you. He would never hurt you on purpose. That man has loved you for a long time. Back then, it was a different kind of love, but still, he loved you nonetheless. I can't see him keeping anything from you, unless he was trying to protect you. I don't want to see you miserably in love with a man that you're not even going to try with. I saw the way you looked at him that day at the company picnic. What you didn't notice, was how he looked at you and nobody else. You both had it bad and didn't even know it. Kade knew it. I knew it. You two didn't. Maybe you should just trust that he has your best interest at heart and allow yourself to be happy."
"Look at what I had with Nate. Some girls aren't as lucky as you. If I ever get lucky enough to find what you have with Kellan, you would have to shoot me dead to keep me from trying. I would never let an argument keep me away and you shouldn't either. Love is hard Phoenix. It’s not always easy like you see in fairy tales. You have to take the good with the bad; the scary with the excitement. If you love him, trust him. If not than you need to set him free, but don’t leave him if you can’t let him go. Think about that one."
What the hell has is wrong with me? I just stare at her like she has grown a second head right before me. I’m letting it all sink in.
"But . . .” I look towards the road, grabbing my chest as a motorcycle passes by. Excitement, hope, then sadness washes through me as I see an older man with leather and a white beard going about his business on his Harley.
