Thoughtless

Page 41

Denny was home when I got there. Kellan was not, which made me frown slightly as I walked up the stairs. Denny was sitting up in bed, watching TV like he'd been waiting for me. "Hey, babe," he said warmly, his accent rich in his tiredness, as he held his arms open for me.
I ignored the pit in my stomach that my free time with Kellan was now over (and where was he anyway), and swallowing a sigh, I crawled on top of the bed to snuggle in Denny's arms. He rubbed my back and told me about his trip. I fell asleep against his chest, fully dressed, while he talked about his conference and his jerk of a boss. As sleep swam over me, I thought I heard him say my name in a questioning tone, but I was too exhausted from my weekend to resist the pull, and I succumbed to it. I hoped Denny wasn't too hurt by that.
A couple of days later, Kellan and I were spending some free time together after school, before I had to go into work. We sat close together on the grass in a secluded area of what we now considered "our" park near school. We met here frequently between classes, or sometimes afterwards. We'd stay in his car and listen to the radio, if it was raining, or grab a blanket from his trunk and sit out on the grass, if it was nice. Today, it was sunny, but it was cold, and as a result our park was mostly empty. Kellan and I sat close together on his blanket atop the crisp lawn, huddled in our jackets after just having finished our espressos, enjoying the chilly day and each other's warm presence.
Kellan played with my fingers, a small smile on his lips. Curiosity overcame my common sense and I quietly asked him, "That song the other weekend, the kind of intense one...it's not really about a woman, is it?" He looked up at me, surprised. "Denny," I explained. "He told me what happened, while he was staying with your family. The song was about you, wasn't it? You and your dad?"
Kellan nodded and looked out over the quiet park, remaining silent.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked timidly.
Still looking away from me, he quietly said, "No."
My heart broke at the haunted look in his eyes. I hated myself for what I was about to say, but I so desperately wanted him to open up to me. "Will you anyway?"
He sniffed, then looked down at the grass. He picked up a blade and twirled it idly in his fingers. Slowly, he turned to face me. I tensed, wondering if he would be angry. As his eyes met mine however, all I saw were years of sadness. "There's nothing to talk about, Kiera." His voice was soft, but full of emotion. "If Denny told you what he saw, what he did for me, then you know as much as anyone."
Not quite willing to let it go, I said, "Not as much as you." He watched me silently, his eyes begging for me to not ask anything else. I did anyway, hating myself for it. "Did he hit you often?"
Not looking away from my eyes, he swallowed and nodded his head, once.
"Very badly?" As if just any hit wasn't bad enough, I thought, irritated at my own question. He was motionless for so long, that I thought he wasn't going to answer me, but then, he nodded his head slightly, just once.
"Since you were little?" A single nod again, his eyes glistening now.
I swallowed, willing myself to stop asking him painful questions that he obviously did not want to answer. "Didn't your mom ever try to stop him...help you?"
He shook his head no, a tear rolling down his cheek.
My eyes watered, the tears threatening to spill. Please stop this, I begged myself. You're hurting him. "Did it end, when Denny left?" I whispered, hating myself even more.
He swallowed and shook his head no again. "It got worse...so much worse," he whispered, finally speaking. Another tear fell from his eye, sparkling in the sunlight.
Wondering how a parent could possibly do that to a child, how a mother could possibly allow it - not give her own life to protect her only son, I inadvertently whispered, "Why?"
With dead eyes, Kellan whispered, "You'd have to ask them."
Tears spilled down my cheeks now, and he watched them fall. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him in for a tight hug. "I'm so sorry, Kellan," I whispered in his ear, as he put his arms loosely around me.
"It's okay, Kiera," he said brokenly. "It was years ago. They haven't hurt me in a long time."
By his reaction, I didn't think that was true. I held him close, feeling his body shake lightly against mine. His cheeks were wet when I did pull back. I wiped them dry and held his face in my hands, gazing at him, and trying to picture how awful his childhood had been, trying to imagine his pain. I couldn't though. My own childhood had been happy and full of wonderful memories. My parents were overprotective, yes, but warm and loving people.
He gazed back at me sadly, a new tear spilling from his eye and rolling down his cheek. I leaned over and kissed the tear away. As I was pulling back, he turned his head and our lips brushed together.
Overwhelmed with sympathy for his pain, intoxicated by his sudden nearness, I left his lips on mine. My hands were still on his cheeks, we were still sitting close together on the grass, and our closed lips were pressed together, but neither one of us was moving. I wasn't even sure we were breathing. We must have looked very odd, if anyone had been there to look our way.
Eventually, he inhaled through his lips, causing them to slightly part against mine. My response was involuntary, instinctual and immediate - I kissed him. I moved my lips softly against his, feeling his warmth, his softness, his breath.
He didn't hesitate. He immediately returned my kiss, moved his lips equally as soft against mine. His passion quickly overcame him however, and he grabbed my neck, pulling me in for a deep kiss. His tongue flashed against mine, just once. I groaned with how good it felt, how much I wanted it, but I forced myself to push him away. I made myself not be angry. I had started this one.
He immediately started apologizing. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought...I thought you changed your mind." His eyes looked fearful.
"No...that was my fault." Things were picking up between us; lines were blurring faster and faster. Even now, watching his anxious face, my heart was beating harder, my lips burned with the memory of his on mine. "I'm sorry, Kellan. This isn't working."
He leaned towards me and grabbed my arm. "No, please. I'll do better, I'll be stronger. Please don't end this. Please don't leave me..."
I bit my lip, my heart in pain over his aching words, his frantic face. "Kellan..."
"Please." His eyes searched my face. I wanted to reach out and kiss him again, anything to take his pain away.
"This isn't fair." A tear fell down my cheek, and I stopped him from brushing it away. "This isn't fair to Denny. This isn't fair to you." I felt a sob rising. "I'm being cruel to you."
He sat up on his knees and grabbed both of my hands in his. "No...no you're not. You're giving me more than...just don't stop this."
I gazed at him, dumbfounded. "What is this to you, Kellan?"
He looked down and didn't answer my question. "Please..."
Finally, his voice and face caved me in. I couldn't take causing him pain. "Okay...okay, Kellan."
He looked up and smiled charmingly at me. I sat up on my knees and laced my arms around his neck, pulling him in for a tight embrace, hoping that I knew what I was doing.
I pushed all thoughts of the park from my mind, while I went about my shift at Pete's. Well, I pushed the kiss out of my mind, although, I swear my lips still tingled pleasantly, which concerned me highly. But, no, I wasn't going to think about that.
I couldn't quite push back the horrid conversation we'd had though. My selfish need to know everything about him, had opened up some of his old wounds. I watched him throughout my shift, wondering if he was truly okay. He seemed to be fine, laughing with his band mates, sipping on a beer, one foot propped up on his knee. Same old relaxed Kellan. I frowned, wondering how much of his casualness was real, and how much was a conditioned response to a lifetime of pain.
I thought about that, as I watched him approach the bar to talk to Sam. He leaned back and Rita slipped him another beer. He glanced back at her and smiled warmly, with a nod of his head. Sam left after a minute and Kellan stayed, quietly sipping his beer at the bar. He casually leaned against it and looked over at me, when I approached to give Rita a quick order.
"So, where are we taking your sister this Saturday?" He leaned back farther onto his elbows, which did wonderful things to his chest and just barely exposed the skin above his waistband. I had the sudden desire to run my fingers down his shirt and feel that bare skin. Rita eyed him hungrily as she took her sweet time making my drinks, her thoughts seemingly in line with mine from the look on her over-tanned face. I hated that look on her.
Rita's face, combined with talk of my sister's approaching visit, spoiled the pleasant vision of him in front of me. "I have no idea," I said grumpily. Truly I'd forgotten her visitation weekend was already upon me. My mind had been a little...preoccupied lately.
He laughed at my expression. "It will be fine, Kiera. We'll have fun, I promise." I raised an eyebrow at him and frowned. "Not that much fun...I swear." He smirked at me playfully.
Griffin suddenly came up behind me and put his arms around my waist. I elbowed him hard in the ribs, making him grunt loudly and Kellan laugh charmingly. "God, Kiera...where's the love?" he asked indignantly. I rolled my eyes and ignored him.
"Griff, what's a good club around here?" Kellan asked him. My eyes flashed over to him, alarmed. Griffin's idea of a good club was probably not the same as mine.
"Ooooohhhh...we going clubbing?" He sat down on a stool next to Kellan, an eager look on his face. His pale eyes practically sparkled with anticipation. He tucked his hair behind his ears. "There's this strip club in Vancouver, that does this thing with a-"
"No, no." Kellan quickly (and thankfully) interrupted him. "Not us." He indicated Griffin and himself and then pointed over to me. "Kiera's sister is coming up. We need a 'dance' club to take her to."
Griffin smiled and nodded at me approvingly. "Sister action...nice!"
"Griff..."
Griffin turned back to Kellan and simply said, "Spanks."
Kellan seemed to know what he was talking about. He nodded and looked at me thoughtfully. "Yeah, that would work." He turned back to Griffin and smacked him on the arm. "Thanks."
Griffin grinned ear to ear. "When are we going?"
I started to sputter in protest, but Kellan smoothly smiled and said, "Bye, Griffin." Griffin pouted, but did walk away.
I started getting an uneasy feeling in my stomach, as I watched Griffin walk over to a girl and slip his hand up her skirt, earning him a smack on the arm. I didn't think I wanted to go anywhere he thought was fun. And Spanks sounded particularly...not fun.
"Spanks? I'm not going to some sex club," I said quietly, blushing a bit as I met Kellan's amused eye.
He laughed and shook his head at me. "I love where your mind automatically goes sometimes." He laughed again. "It's just a club." I eyed him warily and he made an X over his heart. "I promise."
He laughed again and for a moment, I could only stare at his attractive smile. Rita smacked my arm, apparently having been trying to get my attention. "Here...your order's up." She looked at Kellan while I blushed and grabbing my tray, hurried back to work.
He could be so distracting for me. I needed to watch that.
The next few days after the park flew by smoothly, and thankfully, with no more over-the-line incident, but the feel of his lips on mine still wouldn't leave me. I needed to watch that too. This was getting really stupid. I was being stupid. I should end this. But he was so... I sighed. I couldn't end it yet. I liked it too much. My addiction was too strong.
Like most evenings, I tried not to watch Kellan as I went about my duties, and like most evenings, I couldn't help but sneak a peek now and then. Tonight, he was casually sitting back in his chair, spinning a bottle in his hands. Matt was telling him something and Kellan was laughing with him. His loose, carefree smile was amazing. He really was achingly handsome. A few women around him were working up the nerve to talk to him, and I wondered idly which one would. Would he be interested? Flirt back? He really had toned down the flirting with the bar-flies since our...flirting had started. That thought worried me some. He should. He should have more than what little I gave him. That thought broke my heart though.