Thoughtless

Page 42

I realized I was frowning at him, at the exact same time he looked over at me. I tried to fix my face, but he'd already seen. He slowly got up, and walked over to where I was wiping off a table. The women, who had looked about ready to finally make their move, seemed highly disappointed.
He walked up close to me in the packed bar. "Hey." He put his hand close to mine on the table, letting our fingers touch.
"Hi." I looked up at him shyly, wishing I could put an arm around him. I settled with standing and stepping closer to him, so that our bodies were touching.
He smiled down at me, his finger lightly stroking my pant leg as I stood uncharacteristically close to him. "You looked like you were thinking of something...unpleasant. Anything you want to talk about?" His eyes suddenly seemed almost sad and almost...hopeful. It was strange. I had no idea what to make of it.
I started to reply to him, when Griffin came up to us from the bar, clapping Kellan on the shoulder. Kellan immediately stepped away from me.
"Oh, man, you have got to see this little hottie at the bar." He bit his knuckle. "She totally wants me...think I could nail her in the backroom?" He seemed to ponder that for a moment, while I made a disgusted face and glanced over at her. She was pretty, but she seemed to be staring more at Kellan than Griffin.
Griffin seemed to notice this too. "Oh fuck, man! Did you already bang her? God, I hate getting your seconds. They never shut up about..." He didn't have a chance to explain what women never shut up about, as Kellan smacked him hard in the chest.
"Griff!"
"Dude, what?" Griffin looked confused.
Kellan didn't say anything else, he just kind of flung his hands in my direction. Irritation flashed in me. Had he been with that woman? Then guilt filled me. We were just friends, I didn't own him. What did it matter?
"Oh, hey, Kiera." Griffin said it like he hadn't noticed me until just then, and like he hadn't said anything even remotely crude or offensive, which in his mind, he probably hadn't. He clapped Kellan on the shoulder again, and turned to walk back to the woman, apparently going to give it a shot anyway.
Kellan actually looked sheepish and not saying anything else, turned and walked back to his table.
I spent the rest of my shift wondering if Kellan had been with that girl. Wondering if I was just another in a long line of girls. Wondering what women never shut up about. Wondering at Kellan's silence after Griffin left. Wondering about the weird look on his face before Griffin even showed up. Wondering if I was being a complete moron by letting our flirtations continue. Wondering why the whole night left an icy pit in my stomach. Wondering why I spent so much time, wondering about Kellan...
Feeling odd at the end of the night, I had Jenny give me a ride home instead of Kellan, who had of course, sweetly offered to stay until I was done working. He had yawned a couple of times as he left the bar though, quickly glancing at me with a small smile before flitting outside, so I was mildly surprised when I finally did get home, and he swiftly pulled me into his bedroom as I walked by the open door. He'd apparently stayed up to see me.
He quietly closed the door and playfully backed me into it, in one smooth move. Then with a hand pressed against the door on each side of my body, he leaned into me until our lips were just inches apart. He held that position, mouth slightly parted, breathing softly into my face.
"Sorry about Griffin," he whispered. "He can be...kind of, well, an ass." He smiled breathtakingly.
I couldn't speak. I couldn't think to answer him. I wanted to ask about the girl, but aching froze my body. I couldn't even move my arms to push him away. I was trapped against the door, held in place by his sensual body, and my body had shifted into overdrive. I was overdosing on my addiction. He was too close...much too close. I needed a minute, I just couldn't find the words to say it.
"What were you thinking about earlier?" He obliviously whispered, still inches from my face.
I tried to speak, to tell him to back off, to give me space so I could think again, but I was frozen, speechless. He was so close...he smelled so good. My breath quickened and he noticed.
"Kiera, what are you thinking about, right now?" His breath, so light against my skin, made me shudder. "Kiera?"
He eyed me up and down and then pressed his body firmly to mine. I gasped, but the words still didn't come out. His hands ran down my shoulders and then my waist, to rest at my hips. His lips parted and his breathing sped up as he watched my eyes with an increasing passion. My lips parted as I struggled to slow my own breathing. I needed to stop this, I needed to speak...
"Kiera...say something." His words exactly echoed my thoughts.
His eyes seemed to struggle with something for just a fraction of a second. Then he lowered his forehead to mine, breathing softly, but intensely on me. He pressed one knee between mine, closing every gap between us. A moan stubbornly escaped my lips, but still no words were forming. Making a noise deep in his throat, he bit his lip and started running both hands up under my shirt. This wasn't innocent flirting anymore. This wasn't innocent at all.
"Please...say something. Do you...? Do you want me to-"
Abruptly, he roughly exhaled and bent his head slightly, to run his tongue lightly along the inside of my upper lip, sliding his fingers up over my bra, then around to my back. I sighed raggedly, closing my eyes. Making another deep noise, he kissed my upper lip, slipping his tongue lightly into my mouth. I shuddered and gasped and he lost all control. He brought a hand to my neck and exhaling roughly again, kissed me fully, pulling me into him.
His lips fully around mine, acted like an adrenaline shot straight to my heart; I was finally free to move again. Panting, I roughly shoved him away from me. This was way beyond my rules and it definitely wasn't innocent anymore. It was also too late. Whatever this was now - I wanted more.
He held up both hands up, like I might hit him. "I'm sorry. I thought..." he whispered.
I walked right over to him and put one hand on his chest and the other to his neck, pulling him close to me and he stopped talking, stopped breathing. He retreated half-a-step, confused, before I forced him closer to me again. I breathed against him heavily, biting my lip. I watched his eyes go from panic, to confusion, to smoldering. Good, he wanted me. I felt powerful as I watched his mouth part, his breath starting again and increasing to match mine. I knew I could push him back on the bed, and do whatever I wanted to him.
I ran my hands down his incredibly hard chest and pulled on the belt loops of his jeans, until our hips touched. "Kiera...?" he asked raggedly, glancing once to my bedroom, where Denny was sleeping. His hands were still up in the air slightly, like he was surrendering to me.
My resolve wavered at the questioning tone in his voice. Our "innocent" flirting had been steadily escalating, and I was at the breaking point. I was either going to take him right now, and betray Denny, asleep in the very next room, or I was going to finally end this.
I summoned every ounce of will power I had, and breathed huskily into his mouth. "Don't touch me again. I'm not yours." Then I shoved him hard onto the bed and fled the room, before I changed my mind.
Denny reached out for me when I finally crawled into bed, a few moments later. He sleepily tried to pull me closer to him and I stiffened and roughly pulled away, not wanting his closeness, not wanting anyone's. At least, that's what I kept telling myself.
"Hey...are you all right?" he whispered groggily in the dark.
"I'm fine." I hoped my voice was smooth, it felt shaky to me.
"Okay," he said softly, as he moved over to kiss my neck. I stiffened again and turned my head away from him. "Kiera..." he said huskily, his fingers trailing up my body, his leg wrapping around mine, his lips moving up to my ear.
I recognized his tone, I recognized his movements. I knew what he wanted from me, and I just...couldn't. My mind was spinning. Thoughts of Kellan and how close we'd just about come to... How much I still wanted him to... I just couldn't be with Denny right now. That wasn't who my body was aching for.
"I'm really tired, Denny. Just go back to sleep, please." I tried to keep my voice soft and sleep-like, not irritated and riled up, like I truly felt.
He sighed and slumped against me. His fingers stopped moving across my body and rested on my belly. I closed my eyes and hoped I could fall asleep quickly, before my will power faded, and I ran back to Kellan's room.
Denny breathed softly on my neck and I thought he had fallen asleep again, but then he shifted his weight suggestively, and moved his hand up under my tank top, pulling me tight against him. I shifted irritably under his clinginess. "Denny, I'm serious...not tonight."
He sighed and flopped over onto his back. "Where have I heard that one before?" he muttered, irritated.
Annoyed, I snapped, "What?"
He looked over at me and sighed. "Nothing."
Still annoyed, I didn't let him drop it. I probably should have. "No...if you have something to say to me - then say it." I propped up on an elbow and glared at him.
He glared back. "Nothing...it's just..." He looked away. "Don't you realize how long it's been since we've..." He looked back to me and shrugged sheepishly.
I bit back my angry retort and tried to think about how long it actually had been. I couldn't remember...
He understood my blank look. "You can't even remember, can you?" He looked away again, irritated again. "It was the shower, Kiera. We don't usually go..." He looked back to me and stopped where he had been going, while I felt my face heat. "It's not that it's been awhile. We've gone longer...and that doesn't matter to me." His eyes searched my face. "It's that you don't even seem to care. You don't seem to miss me at all."
He looked up at the ceiling. "I thought when I got back from Portland, things would be different." He glanced over at me. "Honestly, I thought you'd attack me when I got home. But you didn't...you haven't. You've been so...I don't know, distant."
His irritation left him and he gazed at me wistfully, running his fingers down my arm. "I miss you." His accent curled around the words.
Instantly, remorse took me over and I snuggled close, trying to kiss him, hold him, make love to him...but he pushed me away. Surprised, I could only stare blankly at him.
"No." He shook his head, his irritation back. "I don't want you to have sex with me, because you feel guilty. I want you to..." he searched my face again, "want me."
"Denny, I do. I...I just..." I had no idea how to explain what I had been feeling lately. I hadn't realized we'd gone awhile. I hadn't realized I'd been cold or distant to him. I had been preoccupied, and I hadn't realized he'd noticed. And I couldn't tell him why. I couldn't tell him who was occupying my thoughts.
I sat up on my outstretched arm and stared down at him. "I'm sorry," I said quietly.
He stared at me a moment and then sighed, and patted the bed under his shoulder. I snuggled up against him and breathed in his rich scent, trying to calm my mind and my heart. "I love you, Kiera," he whispered and kissed my head.
I nodded and nestled into his chest, wrapping my arms and legs around his body. A tear rolled off my nose to drip onto his shirt. "I love you too, Denny." I squeezed him tighter, praying that things got better between us. I was right to finally end things with Kellan. I was finally making the right choice.
But even so, and I think, just to torment myself, I dreamed about Kellan that night, that is when I finally did drift off to sleep in my conflicted pool of emotions. I dreamt that I had stayed with him. That I had ripped off his clothes, shoved him onto his bed and taken him. It was a great dream...it was a horrible dream.
Kellan met me in the entryway of the kitchen the next morning and immediately put his hand softly on my arm. "Kiera, I'm sorry. I went too far. I'll be good."
I brushed him off. I should have stayed in bed with Denny, but I needed to get this over with. Kellan needed to know...and accept that this was finally over. "No, Kellan. We went way past innocent flirting a long time ago. We can't go back to that time. We're not those people anymore. It was a stupid idea to try."