Torn
Page 20
“You sure about this?” he asks with his heavily lidded eyes studying me.
Pulling in a shaky breath at the smoldering look in his eyes, I lean in to kiss the corner of his mouth and purr, “Absolutely.”
With a soft groan he slides between my legs and the feel of him pressed against me makes me tremble. My breath hitches and my pulse quickens. Cupping my face in one hand, he traces the seam of my lips with the other. Not wanting to wait another minute, I wrap my hands around his neck and our lips move against each other with fervent need, and a soft moan escapes my throat. I can hear the band playing “Feel This Moment” and I lose myself in the music.
Something almost primal overcomes me. I moan in his ear loud enough that he can hear me. Sliding my mouth back to his, we consume each other as our lips move faster, harder, deeper against each other’s. I don’t care if I f**k him on the floor, the pool table, or against the wall when he rocks against me. I squeeze my eyes shut, just needing to feel his skin against mine; trying not to dig my fingernails into him, I want him so badly.
Opening my eyes, I stare at him then quickly stand and we turn so he’s leaning against the pool table. His eyes lock on mine, as my hands find their way down his chest to unbutton and unzip his jeans. Shoving his pants and boxers down, I see that he’s fully ready for me and my hand strokes his length. I push him back slightly and as I kneel I can see his chest moving up and down at a rapid pace.
I start slow, swirling my tongue around his tip before sucking on it. At the taste, I realize how hungry I was for him. I lick every inch of him. When I seal my mouth over him, he groans and his hands go to my head but I don’t need him to guide me. I want to give him this—to relieve the stress I’ve seen on his face all day. Each time I move, I take him as deep as I can and each time he hits the back of my throat, he groans even louder. My mouth sucks, my fingers stroke, and my lips move in all the ways I know he likes it. “Oh fuck. Just like that. Just like that,” he mutters and it thrills me to hear the pleasure in his voice. His muscles start to shake when my tongue revisits his tip. As I trace a path around the moistness already beaded there, he shudders and slides his hands down beneath my arms, quickly pulling me up to him.
His mouth finds mine and I know he must taste himself on me. We kiss each other as if we can’t get enough of one another. Then he picks me up and sets me on the pool table. Panting, he bends down and unzips one boot then the other, leaving me breathless and gasping with anticipation.
“I’ve been thinking about taking these boots off you all day,” he says as he tosses my boot to the ground.
The slight glow of the phone is the only illumination in the pitch-black room. I smile at him and love the look I see on his face right now. He stands me up and quickly removes my pants and panties then sets me back on the pool table.
“God, I want you,” I tell him.
Grinning at me he says, “Not yet,” as he drops down and spreads my legs further apart. His fingers trace patterns around my slick flesh and then his tongue follows the same path. I have wanted him all day and with just this simple touch, I begin to feel a soft rippling. He thrusts his tongue in and out and I arch my back and call out for more. When his tongue finds its way deep inside of me, I start to tremble. Screaming his name as the room goes blurry, I lose awareness of where I am as I experience the most amazing cl**ax. Thank God the band’s loud bass drowns out the sounds we’re making.
He stands back up and my vision clears enough to see the face of the man I love. I lean back and he slides us up the pool table. And this time when he kisses me, I can taste myself. He smiles while kissing me and I know he’s thinking the same thing. I wrap my fingers around him and guide him to me because I can’t wait another minute to have him inside of me. He groans as he plunges deep inside me and I raise my h*ps to meet his.
We both move in harmony at a quick but rhythmic pace, enjoying every second of becoming one. Meeting each thrust with my own, next River increases the pace and I feel my muscles start to clench again. I kiss my way up his neck and back down, and, in turn, he bites my lip, my cheek, and my ear.
He pulls back slightly, closing his eyes, and I know he’s close. When I know I can’t hold back anymore, I pull his ear to my mouth and whisper, “Come with me.” As the wave of euphoria washes through me again, he calls my name and takes one final thrust before he, too, loses all control.
He falls to my side and pulls me close. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
We lay here for a few minutes, both quiet, both clinging to each other with a desperation we haven’t had before and it scares me. Have recent events taken a deeper toll than either of us is willing to admit? Laying here in this dark room, hearing his ragged breathing, I can’t help but think back on our intense sexual encounters the past few days. Is this aggressive need for each other our way of trying to tear down the wall between us?
Chapter 15
Love Remains the Same
Ben’s Journal
I’ve been busy moving and trying to get my girl back. I moved the boxes from Mom’s attic to my and Dahl’s house. I started to unpack them yesterday, but when I found a bin full of broken pictures of Dahlia and me, I had to stop. I thought going for a run and then working out would completely exhaust me. But when I woke up in the middle of the night with a raging hard-on from a dream about her, I wasn’t sure working out was the best choice. The dream was so real, but unlike anything I had ever experienced with her. It took me taking my dick in my own hand right then and there and getting one in in the shower this morning to finish myself off from that dream.
Since I’ve gotten back I’ve done everything to get Dahl alone. When I saw her on the beach I didn’t go for it. I wanted to play it straight and tell her everything. I wanted for her to come back to me because she got it. Well that didn’t f**king work. Since then I’ve called her and left messages just asking her to meet me or telling her I love her. Not much, just simple short messages to get my point across. She hasn’t called me back. I’ve even gone as far as leaving another note on her car. How f**ked up is that? I had to track her down to do it and it didn’t even work. So next time I see her, I need to get her alone and forget about all the words. I need to make her remember what we had—the love we shared, the sex—if I do, it will come back to her then, and she’ll come back to me. She just has to let her guard down and really let me touch her. I only want her back.
I talked Caleb into going out for a drink tomorrow night. Like a needy chick I had to ask him to pick me up, but I’ll be getting my car back tomorrow night so that shit will stop. Serena took the car from Trent indefinitely. I’ll give it to him when he’s ready and get a new one, but for now it’s best for all of us if he doesn’t have it. He’s in bad shape and doesn’t need to be driving. I’ve spent as much time with him as he’ll stick around for, but that’s not much. I tried to talk him into going surfing with me over the weekend, but he said no. He’s going to stay with his dad for a few nights.
I need to get out anyway. I’m going stir-crazy. I’ve thought about calling Kimberly, but I don’t want to hurt her. Soon I need to come clean to her and explain everything, but I can’t face that just yet.
Chapter 16
Never Say Never
As I stand here fastening the bow around my waist, I can’t help but think how similar the past few days appear to all the ones that preceded them—and yet there’s something fundamentally different. River has had to meet with Ellie every day and I’ve been trying to work, too, but I’ve passed most of the jobs that have come my way on to someone else. I’m just not up to styling and photographing upcoming album releases. When River comes home his stress level is always off the charts. We haven’t talked much about anything important. Instead we’ve spent our time playing board games or in bed.
I haven’t told him about what happened with Grace. She’s tried to contact me every day but I’ve avoided her calls as well as Serena’s. Ben has been calling, too. He keeps leaving short messages asking me to call him, to meet him, begging me to give him a chance. After the fifth one I stopped listening and now just delete them. Yesterday, when I met Aerie in Laguna to shop for River’s surprise party, he even left another note on my car. The stress of avoiding everyone and not telling River everything is really starting to get to me, so planning his birthday present with Bell’s help has been a welcome distraction.
I check out my reflection in the mirror, everything seems to be in place. I’m a little nervous about the present; I’ve never done anything like this before. Bell threw the idea out there and then actually helped me pick out the entire ensemble. She told me the key to doing a striptease was to select the last thing that comes off, first. So once I selected that, I chose a very sexy black bra, matching thong, and thigh-high stockings with garters. Bell wanted me to use the stay-up hose. But I remember how much River liked garters the last time I wore them, when we first reconnected in Vegas. My top layer was an easy choice: a very sheer short black dress with ankle-strap stilettos. God, I hope I don’t fall over in them.
Feeling more confident, I put my robe on, push away all thoughts except those of him, and take a deep breath. I can do this. I wanted to give him a present he’d never forget and I’m sure he won’t forget this, whether I’m able to complete the dance or not.
When he enters our bedroom, I turn and smile. He’s dressed and ready for dinner. Game on. He looks incredibly hot in his gray button-up shirt and black jeans.
Trying not to laugh I ask, “You’re not wearing that, are you?”
He looks down. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing? It should be fine for the restaurant.”
“Oh, it’s okay for Swoonworthy’s,” I say as I untie my robe to give him a sneak peak, and then promptly tie it back up. “But we aren’t going there just yet,” I tease.
His mouth drops open. I point to the chair in the corner of our bedroom, the one near the window, and motion for him to sit down. Once he sits, I light the candles I scattered around the room earlier.
As I walk around the room getting things ready, I drop my robe when I’m standing in front of him. Moving behind him, I purposely get extremely close, but don’t touch him; I shut the blackout curtains instead. He tries to pull me to him, but I swat his hand. When he protests I turn to him and say, “Shh . . . no talking,” and then I wave my finger, saying, “And no touching. My rules.” I stuck with the no-touching rule, even though I wanted to throw that rule away the minute I opened my robe and saw the look on his face.
He grins and folds his arms while outstretching his legs.
Turning on my preselected music, “For Your Entertainment” starts to play and I know I picked the right song because by the look on his face he’s truly entertained.
The sensual rhythm of the song helps guide me through my dance. When I feel comfortable enough to move to its beat, I strut over to him and walk around the chair. From behind I run my hands up his chest and then drag my fingers through his hair. Unfolding his arms, he tries to take my hand, but I motion with a no-no wave of my finger. I watch him as I dance across the room. His eyes never leave mine—he’s transfixed on my every move and I feel like he wants to devour me whole. His grin has disappeared and his face is now a picture of pure lust. I notice his every movement when he shifts in his seat and pulls his legs in.
Striding to the center of the room, I turn my back to him. Staring over my shoulder, I meet his eyes. Unzipping my dress, I make a show out of bending forward to step out of it. I’m actually doing this. A striptease. By the time the second song, “Little Bad Girl,” starts playing, I’ve lost all my inhibitions and just let go.
Never dropping my gaze, I prance over to him and place one foot on his knee. His legs widen, he slouches down in the chair a bit, his mouth drops open, and his breath hitches. I motion for him to unbuckle my straps, and he takes full advantage of being allowed to touch me. He reaches behind my knee and glides his fingers slowly down my calf until he reaches my foot. As he undoes my strap, he bends down and kisses my ankle, letting the shoe fall to the ground. When I put my other foot on his knee, he slides it up his leg to pull me closer. Biting his lip, he stares into my eyes. Without looking he unbuckles the strap and tosses my shoe over his shoulder.
Once he has removed my shoes all the rules are back on. Wanting to tease him, I leave my toes between his legs and slowly roll my stockings down. When I wrap the hose around his neck, he grabs my leg. I take a step backward, shaking my head and waving my finger back and forth. He groans and I smile.
“Right, your rules. I have a bit of a problem with them,” he says in a lower voice before he leans back in the chair. I shush him and can’t help but smile again. I made the right choice with this gift.
To further tease, I walk over to my hope chest and place one foot on top of it. I keep my foot pointed as I slowly caress my hose down my leg. When he curses under his breath, my smile widens.
I’m almost done and his reaction is better than I ever imagined. His green eyes are mesmerizing; they’re really the most beautiful shade of green I have ever seen. I unbuckle my bra and slowly slide first one, and then the other bra strap down my shoulder. Pulling the bra off, I hold it by the straps with my arms above my head and then drop it to the floor. I cross my arms and hands over my br**sts then slowly turn around. His lips part and his head falls back. When I slide my hands across my body to reveal myself he curses even louder.
Alternating between clutching the sides of the chair and tapping his fingers, it’s obvious my rules are killing him—his body language and his piercing eyes tell me so. Prancing back over to him, I use my hands to push his knees further apart then prepare to strip off my final layer. Tucking my thumbs inside the string circling my hips, I begin to lower them, inch by inch, and once they pass my hips, I sit on his knee and slide them the rest of the way down. When they reach my ankles, he grabs them and brings them to his nose. Standing up I take a step back to finish my dance, but he stands up and grabs me. With his mouth over mine he growls, “Fuck, that was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. You have no idea the things I want to do to you right now. I’m done following your rules.” Then he crushes his lips to mine and thoroughly kisses me.
Pulling in a shaky breath at the smoldering look in his eyes, I lean in to kiss the corner of his mouth and purr, “Absolutely.”
With a soft groan he slides between my legs and the feel of him pressed against me makes me tremble. My breath hitches and my pulse quickens. Cupping my face in one hand, he traces the seam of my lips with the other. Not wanting to wait another minute, I wrap my hands around his neck and our lips move against each other with fervent need, and a soft moan escapes my throat. I can hear the band playing “Feel This Moment” and I lose myself in the music.
Something almost primal overcomes me. I moan in his ear loud enough that he can hear me. Sliding my mouth back to his, we consume each other as our lips move faster, harder, deeper against each other’s. I don’t care if I f**k him on the floor, the pool table, or against the wall when he rocks against me. I squeeze my eyes shut, just needing to feel his skin against mine; trying not to dig my fingernails into him, I want him so badly.
Opening my eyes, I stare at him then quickly stand and we turn so he’s leaning against the pool table. His eyes lock on mine, as my hands find their way down his chest to unbutton and unzip his jeans. Shoving his pants and boxers down, I see that he’s fully ready for me and my hand strokes his length. I push him back slightly and as I kneel I can see his chest moving up and down at a rapid pace.
I start slow, swirling my tongue around his tip before sucking on it. At the taste, I realize how hungry I was for him. I lick every inch of him. When I seal my mouth over him, he groans and his hands go to my head but I don’t need him to guide me. I want to give him this—to relieve the stress I’ve seen on his face all day. Each time I move, I take him as deep as I can and each time he hits the back of my throat, he groans even louder. My mouth sucks, my fingers stroke, and my lips move in all the ways I know he likes it. “Oh fuck. Just like that. Just like that,” he mutters and it thrills me to hear the pleasure in his voice. His muscles start to shake when my tongue revisits his tip. As I trace a path around the moistness already beaded there, he shudders and slides his hands down beneath my arms, quickly pulling me up to him.
His mouth finds mine and I know he must taste himself on me. We kiss each other as if we can’t get enough of one another. Then he picks me up and sets me on the pool table. Panting, he bends down and unzips one boot then the other, leaving me breathless and gasping with anticipation.
“I’ve been thinking about taking these boots off you all day,” he says as he tosses my boot to the ground.
The slight glow of the phone is the only illumination in the pitch-black room. I smile at him and love the look I see on his face right now. He stands me up and quickly removes my pants and panties then sets me back on the pool table.
“God, I want you,” I tell him.
Grinning at me he says, “Not yet,” as he drops down and spreads my legs further apart. His fingers trace patterns around my slick flesh and then his tongue follows the same path. I have wanted him all day and with just this simple touch, I begin to feel a soft rippling. He thrusts his tongue in and out and I arch my back and call out for more. When his tongue finds its way deep inside of me, I start to tremble. Screaming his name as the room goes blurry, I lose awareness of where I am as I experience the most amazing cl**ax. Thank God the band’s loud bass drowns out the sounds we’re making.
He stands back up and my vision clears enough to see the face of the man I love. I lean back and he slides us up the pool table. And this time when he kisses me, I can taste myself. He smiles while kissing me and I know he’s thinking the same thing. I wrap my fingers around him and guide him to me because I can’t wait another minute to have him inside of me. He groans as he plunges deep inside me and I raise my h*ps to meet his.
We both move in harmony at a quick but rhythmic pace, enjoying every second of becoming one. Meeting each thrust with my own, next River increases the pace and I feel my muscles start to clench again. I kiss my way up his neck and back down, and, in turn, he bites my lip, my cheek, and my ear.
He pulls back slightly, closing his eyes, and I know he’s close. When I know I can’t hold back anymore, I pull his ear to my mouth and whisper, “Come with me.” As the wave of euphoria washes through me again, he calls my name and takes one final thrust before he, too, loses all control.
He falls to my side and pulls me close. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
We lay here for a few minutes, both quiet, both clinging to each other with a desperation we haven’t had before and it scares me. Have recent events taken a deeper toll than either of us is willing to admit? Laying here in this dark room, hearing his ragged breathing, I can’t help but think back on our intense sexual encounters the past few days. Is this aggressive need for each other our way of trying to tear down the wall between us?
Chapter 15
Love Remains the Same
Ben’s Journal
I’ve been busy moving and trying to get my girl back. I moved the boxes from Mom’s attic to my and Dahl’s house. I started to unpack them yesterday, but when I found a bin full of broken pictures of Dahlia and me, I had to stop. I thought going for a run and then working out would completely exhaust me. But when I woke up in the middle of the night with a raging hard-on from a dream about her, I wasn’t sure working out was the best choice. The dream was so real, but unlike anything I had ever experienced with her. It took me taking my dick in my own hand right then and there and getting one in in the shower this morning to finish myself off from that dream.
Since I’ve gotten back I’ve done everything to get Dahl alone. When I saw her on the beach I didn’t go for it. I wanted to play it straight and tell her everything. I wanted for her to come back to me because she got it. Well that didn’t f**king work. Since then I’ve called her and left messages just asking her to meet me or telling her I love her. Not much, just simple short messages to get my point across. She hasn’t called me back. I’ve even gone as far as leaving another note on her car. How f**ked up is that? I had to track her down to do it and it didn’t even work. So next time I see her, I need to get her alone and forget about all the words. I need to make her remember what we had—the love we shared, the sex—if I do, it will come back to her then, and she’ll come back to me. She just has to let her guard down and really let me touch her. I only want her back.
I talked Caleb into going out for a drink tomorrow night. Like a needy chick I had to ask him to pick me up, but I’ll be getting my car back tomorrow night so that shit will stop. Serena took the car from Trent indefinitely. I’ll give it to him when he’s ready and get a new one, but for now it’s best for all of us if he doesn’t have it. He’s in bad shape and doesn’t need to be driving. I’ve spent as much time with him as he’ll stick around for, but that’s not much. I tried to talk him into going surfing with me over the weekend, but he said no. He’s going to stay with his dad for a few nights.
I need to get out anyway. I’m going stir-crazy. I’ve thought about calling Kimberly, but I don’t want to hurt her. Soon I need to come clean to her and explain everything, but I can’t face that just yet.
Chapter 16
Never Say Never
As I stand here fastening the bow around my waist, I can’t help but think how similar the past few days appear to all the ones that preceded them—and yet there’s something fundamentally different. River has had to meet with Ellie every day and I’ve been trying to work, too, but I’ve passed most of the jobs that have come my way on to someone else. I’m just not up to styling and photographing upcoming album releases. When River comes home his stress level is always off the charts. We haven’t talked much about anything important. Instead we’ve spent our time playing board games or in bed.
I haven’t told him about what happened with Grace. She’s tried to contact me every day but I’ve avoided her calls as well as Serena’s. Ben has been calling, too. He keeps leaving short messages asking me to call him, to meet him, begging me to give him a chance. After the fifth one I stopped listening and now just delete them. Yesterday, when I met Aerie in Laguna to shop for River’s surprise party, he even left another note on my car. The stress of avoiding everyone and not telling River everything is really starting to get to me, so planning his birthday present with Bell’s help has been a welcome distraction.
I check out my reflection in the mirror, everything seems to be in place. I’m a little nervous about the present; I’ve never done anything like this before. Bell threw the idea out there and then actually helped me pick out the entire ensemble. She told me the key to doing a striptease was to select the last thing that comes off, first. So once I selected that, I chose a very sexy black bra, matching thong, and thigh-high stockings with garters. Bell wanted me to use the stay-up hose. But I remember how much River liked garters the last time I wore them, when we first reconnected in Vegas. My top layer was an easy choice: a very sheer short black dress with ankle-strap stilettos. God, I hope I don’t fall over in them.
Feeling more confident, I put my robe on, push away all thoughts except those of him, and take a deep breath. I can do this. I wanted to give him a present he’d never forget and I’m sure he won’t forget this, whether I’m able to complete the dance or not.
When he enters our bedroom, I turn and smile. He’s dressed and ready for dinner. Game on. He looks incredibly hot in his gray button-up shirt and black jeans.
Trying not to laugh I ask, “You’re not wearing that, are you?”
He looks down. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing? It should be fine for the restaurant.”
“Oh, it’s okay for Swoonworthy’s,” I say as I untie my robe to give him a sneak peak, and then promptly tie it back up. “But we aren’t going there just yet,” I tease.
His mouth drops open. I point to the chair in the corner of our bedroom, the one near the window, and motion for him to sit down. Once he sits, I light the candles I scattered around the room earlier.
As I walk around the room getting things ready, I drop my robe when I’m standing in front of him. Moving behind him, I purposely get extremely close, but don’t touch him; I shut the blackout curtains instead. He tries to pull me to him, but I swat his hand. When he protests I turn to him and say, “Shh . . . no talking,” and then I wave my finger, saying, “And no touching. My rules.” I stuck with the no-touching rule, even though I wanted to throw that rule away the minute I opened my robe and saw the look on his face.
He grins and folds his arms while outstretching his legs.
Turning on my preselected music, “For Your Entertainment” starts to play and I know I picked the right song because by the look on his face he’s truly entertained.
The sensual rhythm of the song helps guide me through my dance. When I feel comfortable enough to move to its beat, I strut over to him and walk around the chair. From behind I run my hands up his chest and then drag my fingers through his hair. Unfolding his arms, he tries to take my hand, but I motion with a no-no wave of my finger. I watch him as I dance across the room. His eyes never leave mine—he’s transfixed on my every move and I feel like he wants to devour me whole. His grin has disappeared and his face is now a picture of pure lust. I notice his every movement when he shifts in his seat and pulls his legs in.
Striding to the center of the room, I turn my back to him. Staring over my shoulder, I meet his eyes. Unzipping my dress, I make a show out of bending forward to step out of it. I’m actually doing this. A striptease. By the time the second song, “Little Bad Girl,” starts playing, I’ve lost all my inhibitions and just let go.
Never dropping my gaze, I prance over to him and place one foot on his knee. His legs widen, he slouches down in the chair a bit, his mouth drops open, and his breath hitches. I motion for him to unbuckle my straps, and he takes full advantage of being allowed to touch me. He reaches behind my knee and glides his fingers slowly down my calf until he reaches my foot. As he undoes my strap, he bends down and kisses my ankle, letting the shoe fall to the ground. When I put my other foot on his knee, he slides it up his leg to pull me closer. Biting his lip, he stares into my eyes. Without looking he unbuckles the strap and tosses my shoe over his shoulder.
Once he has removed my shoes all the rules are back on. Wanting to tease him, I leave my toes between his legs and slowly roll my stockings down. When I wrap the hose around his neck, he grabs my leg. I take a step backward, shaking my head and waving my finger back and forth. He groans and I smile.
“Right, your rules. I have a bit of a problem with them,” he says in a lower voice before he leans back in the chair. I shush him and can’t help but smile again. I made the right choice with this gift.
To further tease, I walk over to my hope chest and place one foot on top of it. I keep my foot pointed as I slowly caress my hose down my leg. When he curses under his breath, my smile widens.
I’m almost done and his reaction is better than I ever imagined. His green eyes are mesmerizing; they’re really the most beautiful shade of green I have ever seen. I unbuckle my bra and slowly slide first one, and then the other bra strap down my shoulder. Pulling the bra off, I hold it by the straps with my arms above my head and then drop it to the floor. I cross my arms and hands over my br**sts then slowly turn around. His lips part and his head falls back. When I slide my hands across my body to reveal myself he curses even louder.
Alternating between clutching the sides of the chair and tapping his fingers, it’s obvious my rules are killing him—his body language and his piercing eyes tell me so. Prancing back over to him, I use my hands to push his knees further apart then prepare to strip off my final layer. Tucking my thumbs inside the string circling my hips, I begin to lower them, inch by inch, and once they pass my hips, I sit on his knee and slide them the rest of the way down. When they reach my ankles, he grabs them and brings them to his nose. Standing up I take a step back to finish my dance, but he stands up and grabs me. With his mouth over mine he growls, “Fuck, that was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. You have no idea the things I want to do to you right now. I’m done following your rules.” Then he crushes his lips to mine and thoroughly kisses me.
