Trailer Park Heart
Page 55
I turned my head, so he wouldn’t see the tears pooling in my lashes. I felt sick to my stomach. My hands went numb. God, this was too much. “It was too late by that point,” I whispered.
Levi’s voice dropped. “Did you sleep with him to spite me?”
“No!” I spun around to face him, not even thinking about how terrifying he was or how desperately I wanted this conversation to be over. “No. It had nothing to do with you. He’s… he’s the whole reason I went that night. I just… God, this is humiliating.”
“Say it, Ruby. Explain it to me.”
Fuck. “I wanted to sleep with him, okay? I was in a weird headspace. I was having this stupid existential crisis where I felt like I’d completely wasted my high school years being careful and focused and I just wanted to do something reckless. Something fun. When you told me Logan was going to be there, I saw this opportunity to rescue my youth. I wanted to be spontaneous.”
He let out a shaky breath. “Only you would consider planning out how to lose your virginity spontaneous.”
I bit my lip, wanting to argue, but also knowing he was right. “I never meant to kiss you that night.” He flinched at my words and I scrambled, desperate to take away the sting of truth. “Levi, I didn’t know you liked me. Not like that. I mean, by that point I knew you didn’t hate me… but I also never expected you to have feelings for me.” I cleared my throat. “Or to still have feelings for me.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Did you love him?”
Logan. He wanted to know if I loved his brother.
What was the truth? What should I tell him?
The truth of course, but it wasn’t that simple. Finally, I said, “No. I mean, I thought I did. I don’t think I would have given that piece of me away unless I really believed I was in love with him. But I know I wasn’t now. I did have feelings for him. I respected him. I thought the world of him. But I didn’t love him.”
“How do you know?” His question was so fragile, so utterly breakable, that my chest ached in response.
More truth. More history I had never wanted to give up. “Because he died, Levi. He died, and I wasn’t heartbroken. Yes, I mourned him for you and your family and I felt the loss of a friend. But we weren’t even good friends. He was just this nice guy that I kind of liked. Don’t get me wrong, I mourned for Max, for the baby I had inside me that would never know his dad. But I feel like if I loved him, I would have mourned for myself too. I would have felt this great brokenness from losing him. And I just… don’t.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell my parents? That’s what I don’t get. They could have helped you. They could have helped Max. Not to mention how fucking selfish it is to keep a part of my brother from them. From us.”
“That’s why,” I whispered, the words ripped out of my heart painfully. “Look at me, Levi. Look at where I live. Look at who my mom is. I was afraid they’d take him from me. I was terrified they’d take one look at me and do whatever it took to gain custody of my son. And I…” My voice broke and traitorous tears wet my cheeks. “And I couldn’t risk losing him. He’s all I’ve ever had.”
I couldn’t look at Levi, so I had no idea what his expression said or if he was still angry or just hurt or what. Now that the tears had started, I couldn’t turn them off. They fell in giant drops of regret and humiliation and fear.
How had a night that started off so great turned into this?
And what hurt the most, that I was even afraid to admit to myself, was the loss of Levi. I’d ruined everything between us. Everything that was so new and young I didn’t even know what to call it.
It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. This was why I wanted to keep Levi at a distance. This was why I’d wanted to keep Max a secret. Because I couldn’t survive Levi’s rejection. I wasn’t going to be able to take his judgment on me. This was too much. This hurt too much.
I wanted his smile again. I wanted his intense gazes and teasing words. I wanted the Levi that had just been changing me from the inside out with his pursuit of me and those delicious kisses.
This was how I knew I didn’t love Logan, because he had died, and it had never felt as bad as this—as bad as losing the prospect of Levi, as bad as losing his trust and friendship and sweet, gentle smiles.
“I need to think,” he finally said, his voice gruff with emotion and anger. “I need to go.”
“Are you going to tell your parents?” I sounded small. I sounded terrified.
“You mean do what you should have done seven years ago?” It was my turn to flinch. “Please get out of my truck, Ruby. I want to leave now.”
I obliged this time, scurrying down from the cab and finding shelter on my deck. He peeled away immediately, kicking up dust and gravel in his wake. I crawled inside the trailer and threw myself on my bed, not even bothering to wash my face.
I buried myself in pillows and blankets and cried until I felt sick, until I had nothing left to shed. It wasn’t just for the unearthing of my secrets and Max’s dad. It was for the past, for seven years ago when I’d found something surprising with Levi and then slept with his brother. It was for giving something to Logan that I could never get back. It was for losing Logan only months later and for seven years of not knowing what to do or if I was doing the right thing or how to even be a mom.
It was for Max and for all the things he would never have because he didn’t have a dad. It was for my lost future because I’d gotten the gift of Max instead. It was for losing Levi—seven years ago and tonight all over again.
It was for a hundred thousand things I couldn’t even name. I’d made so many mistakes in my life. And I was only now realizing that some of them weren’t forgivable. Seven years ago, that might not have mattered to me.
But tonight, it did.
Tonight, losing Levi was the hardest thing I’d had to face yet.
19
Fight or Flight
Days went by before I saw Levi again. I even bummed his phone number from Jamie and found the courage to text him. Three different times.
Still no word.
He never stopped by the diner. I never saw him running or picking something up at the hardware store. He didn’t pop up in any of the random places he’d been showing up for weeks now.
He’d just disappeared.
It was like seven years ago when he left for family vacation and never came back.
My chest cavity felt hollow, devoid of the heart that had only just begun to beat. Every morning I took my temperature, convinced I was coming down with the flu, only to have to face the reality that this was what rejection felt like. My bones ached, and my stomach was always upset. My eyes were always bloodshot and my face always puffy from tears.
I was simultaneously dreading talking to him and desperately wishing I could lock him in a room and force another conversation.
I hadn’t said anything to Max, but he could tell something was up. He was listening even better than usual and constantly giving me extra cuddles. He made me realize something in his sweetness, something I didn’t know if I would admit to Levi if he asked me.
But the truth was, I wouldn’t have changed anything. I would have kept Max a secret all over again if given the chance. My secrecy probably pissed off the entire Cole family or hurt their feelings or whatever and part of me felt bad about that. But the stronger voice inside me said I did the right thing for my son and that was all that mattered.
Levi’s voice dropped. “Did you sleep with him to spite me?”
“No!” I spun around to face him, not even thinking about how terrifying he was or how desperately I wanted this conversation to be over. “No. It had nothing to do with you. He’s… he’s the whole reason I went that night. I just… God, this is humiliating.”
“Say it, Ruby. Explain it to me.”
Fuck. “I wanted to sleep with him, okay? I was in a weird headspace. I was having this stupid existential crisis where I felt like I’d completely wasted my high school years being careful and focused and I just wanted to do something reckless. Something fun. When you told me Logan was going to be there, I saw this opportunity to rescue my youth. I wanted to be spontaneous.”
He let out a shaky breath. “Only you would consider planning out how to lose your virginity spontaneous.”
I bit my lip, wanting to argue, but also knowing he was right. “I never meant to kiss you that night.” He flinched at my words and I scrambled, desperate to take away the sting of truth. “Levi, I didn’t know you liked me. Not like that. I mean, by that point I knew you didn’t hate me… but I also never expected you to have feelings for me.” I cleared my throat. “Or to still have feelings for me.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Did you love him?”
Logan. He wanted to know if I loved his brother.
What was the truth? What should I tell him?
The truth of course, but it wasn’t that simple. Finally, I said, “No. I mean, I thought I did. I don’t think I would have given that piece of me away unless I really believed I was in love with him. But I know I wasn’t now. I did have feelings for him. I respected him. I thought the world of him. But I didn’t love him.”
“How do you know?” His question was so fragile, so utterly breakable, that my chest ached in response.
More truth. More history I had never wanted to give up. “Because he died, Levi. He died, and I wasn’t heartbroken. Yes, I mourned him for you and your family and I felt the loss of a friend. But we weren’t even good friends. He was just this nice guy that I kind of liked. Don’t get me wrong, I mourned for Max, for the baby I had inside me that would never know his dad. But I feel like if I loved him, I would have mourned for myself too. I would have felt this great brokenness from losing him. And I just… don’t.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell my parents? That’s what I don’t get. They could have helped you. They could have helped Max. Not to mention how fucking selfish it is to keep a part of my brother from them. From us.”
“That’s why,” I whispered, the words ripped out of my heart painfully. “Look at me, Levi. Look at where I live. Look at who my mom is. I was afraid they’d take him from me. I was terrified they’d take one look at me and do whatever it took to gain custody of my son. And I…” My voice broke and traitorous tears wet my cheeks. “And I couldn’t risk losing him. He’s all I’ve ever had.”
I couldn’t look at Levi, so I had no idea what his expression said or if he was still angry or just hurt or what. Now that the tears had started, I couldn’t turn them off. They fell in giant drops of regret and humiliation and fear.
How had a night that started off so great turned into this?
And what hurt the most, that I was even afraid to admit to myself, was the loss of Levi. I’d ruined everything between us. Everything that was so new and young I didn’t even know what to call it.
It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. This was why I wanted to keep Levi at a distance. This was why I’d wanted to keep Max a secret. Because I couldn’t survive Levi’s rejection. I wasn’t going to be able to take his judgment on me. This was too much. This hurt too much.
I wanted his smile again. I wanted his intense gazes and teasing words. I wanted the Levi that had just been changing me from the inside out with his pursuit of me and those delicious kisses.
This was how I knew I didn’t love Logan, because he had died, and it had never felt as bad as this—as bad as losing the prospect of Levi, as bad as losing his trust and friendship and sweet, gentle smiles.
“I need to think,” he finally said, his voice gruff with emotion and anger. “I need to go.”
“Are you going to tell your parents?” I sounded small. I sounded terrified.
“You mean do what you should have done seven years ago?” It was my turn to flinch. “Please get out of my truck, Ruby. I want to leave now.”
I obliged this time, scurrying down from the cab and finding shelter on my deck. He peeled away immediately, kicking up dust and gravel in his wake. I crawled inside the trailer and threw myself on my bed, not even bothering to wash my face.
I buried myself in pillows and blankets and cried until I felt sick, until I had nothing left to shed. It wasn’t just for the unearthing of my secrets and Max’s dad. It was for the past, for seven years ago when I’d found something surprising with Levi and then slept with his brother. It was for giving something to Logan that I could never get back. It was for losing Logan only months later and for seven years of not knowing what to do or if I was doing the right thing or how to even be a mom.
It was for Max and for all the things he would never have because he didn’t have a dad. It was for my lost future because I’d gotten the gift of Max instead. It was for losing Levi—seven years ago and tonight all over again.
It was for a hundred thousand things I couldn’t even name. I’d made so many mistakes in my life. And I was only now realizing that some of them weren’t forgivable. Seven years ago, that might not have mattered to me.
But tonight, it did.
Tonight, losing Levi was the hardest thing I’d had to face yet.
19
Fight or Flight
Days went by before I saw Levi again. I even bummed his phone number from Jamie and found the courage to text him. Three different times.
Still no word.
He never stopped by the diner. I never saw him running or picking something up at the hardware store. He didn’t pop up in any of the random places he’d been showing up for weeks now.
He’d just disappeared.
It was like seven years ago when he left for family vacation and never came back.
My chest cavity felt hollow, devoid of the heart that had only just begun to beat. Every morning I took my temperature, convinced I was coming down with the flu, only to have to face the reality that this was what rejection felt like. My bones ached, and my stomach was always upset. My eyes were always bloodshot and my face always puffy from tears.
I was simultaneously dreading talking to him and desperately wishing I could lock him in a room and force another conversation.
I hadn’t said anything to Max, but he could tell something was up. He was listening even better than usual and constantly giving me extra cuddles. He made me realize something in his sweetness, something I didn’t know if I would admit to Levi if he asked me.
But the truth was, I wouldn’t have changed anything. I would have kept Max a secret all over again if given the chance. My secrecy probably pissed off the entire Cole family or hurt their feelings or whatever and part of me felt bad about that. But the stronger voice inside me said I did the right thing for my son and that was all that mattered.
