Trailer Park Heart
Page 59
She’d snapped out of it after that, and after I’d sworn I hadn’t kept anything else from her. Then I’d remembered Levi’s kiss seven years ago and the one on Saturday, so I’d confessed more to her. That had taken some more time to work through and Emilia had been less on my side, but we’d managed to eventually make peace while Max wore Coco’s headphones and played Roblox on her iPad.
But I could tell from her tone she hadn’t totally forgiven me. That was fine, I hadn’t totally forgiven myself either.
“Did you make it?” she asked.
I blew out a big breath and stared at the wrap around porch of the Cole’s picturesque home. The sprawling farmhouse was exactly what you pictured in your mind when someone said the word. It was massive, with an arched drive-through that led to a massive, unattached garage. The small covered, corridor leading into the house from the side was even adorable with its boot box, spigot and outdoor washing area.
Vibrant, autumn mums dotted the porch in planters and window boxes, some even hanging in the corners. They’d decorated with a porch swing and matching rocking chairs and I could just imagine the Coles sitting out here after supper, taking in the stunning Nebraska sunset over the tops of their corn crops every night.
My entire property in Meadowbrooks was smaller than their garage. They had no neighbors. We lived nearly on top of ours. Their house belonged in the front pages of a magazine. Mine belonged in a junkyard.
Wrapping my hand around my stomach, to brace myself against the nervous cramping, I struggled to breathe evenly so Max wouldn’t notice I was currently freaking the hell out. “I made it.”
“It won’t be that bad,” Coco reassured me. “They’re nice people.”
“Maybe to you,” I argued. How could they be nice to me after everything? How could they even stand to look at me after I’d hidden their grandson from them for so long?
“They’ll be nice to you, too,” she promised. “You’ve got what they want. They won’t risk messing that up.”
Maybe. Maybe they wouldn’t. But maybe they’d also decide they wanted nothing to do with Max or me and have us escorted off the property.
“Okay,” I said instead.
Coco’s voice cracked, sounding infinitely sincerer. “You can do this, Ruby. You’ve raised a kid all by yourself. You rock being a single parent. You’re a fighter and a survivor and you’re the strongest person I know. There’s nothing to be afraid of, chica. You just do you. They’re going to love you.”
Tears wet my eyelashes, but I refused to let them fall and mess up my carefully applied makeup. “How do you know that?”
“Because Levi clearly already loves you. It’s just a matter of time before his parents fall for you too.” She paused and then quickly added, “Hopefully not in the same way as their son.”
A shaky laugh bubbled out of me. “Used to,” I argued. “Maybe he used to love me, but not anymore.”
She made a humming noise. “I’m not sure that’s how it works. I don’t think it’s that easy to stop loving someone.”
“Have you ever been in love?”
She laughed. “Er, no. Obviously, no. But if he could somehow care about you during high school when you were awful to him, this will be a piece of cake to smooth over.”
“He was awful to me too.”
“Mm-hmm, whatever you need to tell yourself, babe.”
The door opened and the man in question stepped out on the porch, arms already folded over his broad chest. He wore a navy-blue button up shirt, rolled at the sleeves, and tapered dark tan pants. His socked feet padded across the painted wood until he leaned against one of the columns near the stairs. His expression was immediately suspicious. He was letting me know he saw me and that it was too late to run away now.
Damn him.
And damn the sexy way he stood there and the way my heart pinched in longing and the way my stomach dropped to my toes just because I was finally seeing what had been in front of me for so long and now it was officially out of my reach.
I didn’t know if Levi had ever loved me, but he had obviously had feelings for me. And that should have been enough for me once upon a time. I should have been honest with myself and the feelings I had for him in return and let it happen between us naturally.
Instead, I’d sabotaged whatever there could have been when I slept with Logan. I’d sacrificed real happiness for a chance to get out of this town. And that had miserably backfired in my face.
The frustrating thing was, now that I had some fucking perspective, I could admit that leaving Clark City and moving out of the trailer park and finding a life for myself elsewhere did not necessarily guarantee happiness.
Happiness wasn’t even a goal worth pursuing. Happiness was fleeting… fickle… temporary. Happiness was a waste of time.
What I really should have been chasing was joy. Joy didn’t come and go. Joy didn’t disappear or reappear depending on my circumstances. Joy was a rock-solid foundation with which to build my life.
And I’d somehow done that despite my unplanned pregnancy and squashed plans. I’d somehow found it in the very place I was so desperate to escape.
I’d built a beautiful life for myself right here in Clark City, in the same run-down trailer I’d grown up in. I’d found someone to love and protect and a job I was proud to work and things weren’t easy, but they were good.
A strange peace settled over me at the realization I liked my life. It was an odd and foreign feeling and I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I had been so used to hating everything about this city and my childhood that I wasn’t sure I knew how to shed those feelings.
Levi’s eyebrows raised, daring me to leave the car. I had to suppress a smile. Maybe he’d never have feelings for me again. Maybe it was too weird that I’d slept with his brother and my son was his nephew and we would never finish what we started all those years ago. Maybe just having him in my life permanently would have to be enough.
More feelings I didn’t know what to do with. More warring emotions. More uncertainty. And yet if life had taught me anything on this bumpy, twisting, surprising journey, it was that I could handle whatever it threw my way. I could be brave enough for this dinner and this awkward conversation and the tenuous road Max and I had ahead of us.
Not everything would go as planned. But everything would eventually work out.
“Okay,” I told Coco, not sure if she was even still hanging out on the other end. “I’m ready.”
“Just be yourself, Ruby,” she added as her final piece of advice. “You’re amazing. There’s nothing not to love. I know I sure love you.”
My heart slowed its frantic pace at the sound of her full forgiveness. “I love you too, Co.”
“Knock ‘em dead, babe.”
We hung up and I turned around to face my son. He looked as nervous as I felt. “You ready for this?”
“I don’t know…” he mumbled quietly, his tongue poking between the empty space where teeth were reluctant to grow.
“They can’t wait to get to know you,” I promised him. “They’re so excited to finally meet you.” He glanced out the window to where Levi still stood, waiting for us. “Plus, Levi’s here. If things get too boring, make him play with you.”
He brightened at that suggestion and finally reached for the door handle. We stepped out of the Corolla, our shoes crunching the gravel beneath our feet. By the time Max had walked around the back of the car, his black Chucks were white with dust.
But I could tell from her tone she hadn’t totally forgiven me. That was fine, I hadn’t totally forgiven myself either.
“Did you make it?” she asked.
I blew out a big breath and stared at the wrap around porch of the Cole’s picturesque home. The sprawling farmhouse was exactly what you pictured in your mind when someone said the word. It was massive, with an arched drive-through that led to a massive, unattached garage. The small covered, corridor leading into the house from the side was even adorable with its boot box, spigot and outdoor washing area.
Vibrant, autumn mums dotted the porch in planters and window boxes, some even hanging in the corners. They’d decorated with a porch swing and matching rocking chairs and I could just imagine the Coles sitting out here after supper, taking in the stunning Nebraska sunset over the tops of their corn crops every night.
My entire property in Meadowbrooks was smaller than their garage. They had no neighbors. We lived nearly on top of ours. Their house belonged in the front pages of a magazine. Mine belonged in a junkyard.
Wrapping my hand around my stomach, to brace myself against the nervous cramping, I struggled to breathe evenly so Max wouldn’t notice I was currently freaking the hell out. “I made it.”
“It won’t be that bad,” Coco reassured me. “They’re nice people.”
“Maybe to you,” I argued. How could they be nice to me after everything? How could they even stand to look at me after I’d hidden their grandson from them for so long?
“They’ll be nice to you, too,” she promised. “You’ve got what they want. They won’t risk messing that up.”
Maybe. Maybe they wouldn’t. But maybe they’d also decide they wanted nothing to do with Max or me and have us escorted off the property.
“Okay,” I said instead.
Coco’s voice cracked, sounding infinitely sincerer. “You can do this, Ruby. You’ve raised a kid all by yourself. You rock being a single parent. You’re a fighter and a survivor and you’re the strongest person I know. There’s nothing to be afraid of, chica. You just do you. They’re going to love you.”
Tears wet my eyelashes, but I refused to let them fall and mess up my carefully applied makeup. “How do you know that?”
“Because Levi clearly already loves you. It’s just a matter of time before his parents fall for you too.” She paused and then quickly added, “Hopefully not in the same way as their son.”
A shaky laugh bubbled out of me. “Used to,” I argued. “Maybe he used to love me, but not anymore.”
She made a humming noise. “I’m not sure that’s how it works. I don’t think it’s that easy to stop loving someone.”
“Have you ever been in love?”
She laughed. “Er, no. Obviously, no. But if he could somehow care about you during high school when you were awful to him, this will be a piece of cake to smooth over.”
“He was awful to me too.”
“Mm-hmm, whatever you need to tell yourself, babe.”
The door opened and the man in question stepped out on the porch, arms already folded over his broad chest. He wore a navy-blue button up shirt, rolled at the sleeves, and tapered dark tan pants. His socked feet padded across the painted wood until he leaned against one of the columns near the stairs. His expression was immediately suspicious. He was letting me know he saw me and that it was too late to run away now.
Damn him.
And damn the sexy way he stood there and the way my heart pinched in longing and the way my stomach dropped to my toes just because I was finally seeing what had been in front of me for so long and now it was officially out of my reach.
I didn’t know if Levi had ever loved me, but he had obviously had feelings for me. And that should have been enough for me once upon a time. I should have been honest with myself and the feelings I had for him in return and let it happen between us naturally.
Instead, I’d sabotaged whatever there could have been when I slept with Logan. I’d sacrificed real happiness for a chance to get out of this town. And that had miserably backfired in my face.
The frustrating thing was, now that I had some fucking perspective, I could admit that leaving Clark City and moving out of the trailer park and finding a life for myself elsewhere did not necessarily guarantee happiness.
Happiness wasn’t even a goal worth pursuing. Happiness was fleeting… fickle… temporary. Happiness was a waste of time.
What I really should have been chasing was joy. Joy didn’t come and go. Joy didn’t disappear or reappear depending on my circumstances. Joy was a rock-solid foundation with which to build my life.
And I’d somehow done that despite my unplanned pregnancy and squashed plans. I’d somehow found it in the very place I was so desperate to escape.
I’d built a beautiful life for myself right here in Clark City, in the same run-down trailer I’d grown up in. I’d found someone to love and protect and a job I was proud to work and things weren’t easy, but they were good.
A strange peace settled over me at the realization I liked my life. It was an odd and foreign feeling and I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I had been so used to hating everything about this city and my childhood that I wasn’t sure I knew how to shed those feelings.
Levi’s eyebrows raised, daring me to leave the car. I had to suppress a smile. Maybe he’d never have feelings for me again. Maybe it was too weird that I’d slept with his brother and my son was his nephew and we would never finish what we started all those years ago. Maybe just having him in my life permanently would have to be enough.
More feelings I didn’t know what to do with. More warring emotions. More uncertainty. And yet if life had taught me anything on this bumpy, twisting, surprising journey, it was that I could handle whatever it threw my way. I could be brave enough for this dinner and this awkward conversation and the tenuous road Max and I had ahead of us.
Not everything would go as planned. But everything would eventually work out.
“Okay,” I told Coco, not sure if she was even still hanging out on the other end. “I’m ready.”
“Just be yourself, Ruby,” she added as her final piece of advice. “You’re amazing. There’s nothing not to love. I know I sure love you.”
My heart slowed its frantic pace at the sound of her full forgiveness. “I love you too, Co.”
“Knock ‘em dead, babe.”
We hung up and I turned around to face my son. He looked as nervous as I felt. “You ready for this?”
“I don’t know…” he mumbled quietly, his tongue poking between the empty space where teeth were reluctant to grow.
“They can’t wait to get to know you,” I promised him. “They’re so excited to finally meet you.” He glanced out the window to where Levi still stood, waiting for us. “Plus, Levi’s here. If things get too boring, make him play with you.”
He brightened at that suggestion and finally reached for the door handle. We stepped out of the Corolla, our shoes crunching the gravel beneath our feet. By the time Max had walked around the back of the car, his black Chucks were white with dust.
