Troubles and Treats
Page 29
Jenny stomps her foot and looks back at the clock in frustration.
“Oh my God, we have no time! At least take your f**king hand out of your pants!” she yells at me.
“I’m afraid! If I let go, who knows what will happen down there. At least right now I’m keeping it contained.”
Jenny wrings her hands in front of her and whips her head around when we hear a voice.
“Excuse me, are we in the right place? Is this the ‘How to Put the Spark Back in Your Marriage’ course?” a man asks from the doorway, his hand holding onto a woman standing right next to him.
Yes, I am well aware of the irony in this situation. Not that long ago I had practically stalked a doctor because of his shitty self-help CD with the same title. I play nice though and sent him and his wife an invitation to our first class. Unfortunately, due to the restraining order, they are unable to attend.
Jenny turns around and flattens her body against mine, blocking me from the couple's view.
“YES! Yes, welcome! Go ahead and take your seats. We’re just discussing some last minute lesson changes,” Jenny tells them before turning back around to face me.
“Pull that f**king thing off, right now!’ she whispers angrily.
“NO! It’s going to take a layer of skin with it! You have no idea how tangled it is right now!” I whisper back.
I look over Jenny’s shoulder and see two more couples entering the classroom and taking seats, talking amongst themselves.
While I’m busy looking, and before I realize what she’s doing, Jenny sticks her own hand down my pants, wraps it around mine, and yanks as hard as she can.
“MOTHER OF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE DICK IN A BOX!” I scream at the top of my lungs.
Jenny and I stand there staring at one another wide-eyed, the grape pubic-hair covered sucker held in both of our hands between us. My lips are quivering and I can feel tears forming in my eyes.
The pain! Oh my God the pain! It’s like no other I’ve felt before!
Jenny quickly turns back around to face the class, which is now full and all eyes are staring at us questioningly.
I chuck the furry sucker into the garbage can under the table and swallow back my tears, hobbling forward so I’m standing shoulder to shoulder with Jenny.
“Welcome to class, folks! That was just a sample of what we’ll be talking about first this evening. Ways to scream out your pleasure without being boring! Who wants to go first?!” Jenny asks.
It takes a few minutes, but pretty soon the class is really getting into the question and having fun shouting out their suggestions. Jenny and I turn to face each other while the class is laughing and yelling.
Some of my dick skin is stuck to a sucker under the table, the people in the emergency room call us by our first names, we’ve been banned from all major appliance stores and local farms, and yet, I wouldn’t change the way our life has turned out for all the hookers and coke in the world.
“You have GOT to be kidding me?!”
We break our eye contact and turn to face the door of the classroom, our looks of surprise and confusion mirroring those of the two couples who are hovering in the doorway.
“Dude, you guys are the teachers?!” Carter asks with a smile as he pulls Claire into the room. “This is going to be fun!”
The rest of the class has quieted down and is watching our exchange with interest.
“This is going to be a horror show, that’s what this is going to be,” Liz says as she and Jim follow Carter and Claire down the aisle and find their seats. “Tell me you aren’t going to be using yourselves as visual aids.”
Jenny reaches down to the table and lifts up a pair of tongs and a bottle of honey.
“Nope, we’ve got plenty of visual aids,” she tells her with a smile.
“Drew, get the laser pointer off of my boobs,” Claire says in irritation.
Jenny turns her head and sees me standing next to her playing with the pen laser light I picked up at the gas station on the way here.
“Well, Claire, technically this is part of tonight’s lesson. Erroneous Zones and how they can make sex hotter,” Jenny explains as she takes the pointer out of my hand and sets it back on the table.
“Is anyone else weirded out by the fact that Drew and Jenny are teachers?” we hear Jim ask the rest of our friends.
“If they were teaching children, yes. But let’s be honest here. This is the absolute best subject for them to teach,” Liz answers with a smile in our direction.
“Just tell me we aren’t going to be watching any of your home movies,” Claire begs.
“I don’t know. I’d kind of like to see those,” Carter says with a shrug.
“Oh, we’ve already seen their home movie. It’s a finalist over at Youporn’s 'Home Movie of the Year Awards',” one of the guys on the opposite side of the room says. “We Googled you when we signed up for the class. Using the pumpkin and the ice cream scoop was genius, by the way.”
My smile is bigger than ever after hearing those words.
“Honey, you can Google us!” I tell Jenny, leaning in to kiss the top of her head.
“Alright, fine. We Googled you too,” Liz admits.
“Yeah, so did we,” Claire adds.
“And aside from having to see Drew’s hairy ass, it was pretty hot,” Jim states.
“It was disturbing-hot and I felt a little dirty after watching it, and I’m not sure I can ever look you guys in the eye ever again, but yeah, pretty hot,” Carter admits.
“Alright, let’s bring this class to order!” Jenny shouts excitedly. “First, we’re going to discuss items that should never be placed in a va**na unless you are wearing safety goggles and have a pair of needle nose pliers on hand.”
I wrap my arm around Jenny’s shoulders as she begins the first part of the lesson, holding up items one at a time from the table and giving explanations on where they can be safely inserted without the use of medical assistance or antibiotics.
While she talks, I glance over at our friends that had decided to sign up for our class even though they didn’t know we were teaching it. No matter how perfect you think someone else’s marriage is, this just goes to show you we can all use a little spark and a little fun in the bedroom to make life more interesting. I couldn’t be happier that our best friends are here with us tonight. It just makes me realize how great my life really is.
Veronica and Billy are happy and healthy, and our best friends are the greatest people ever. I’m beyond glad we’ve remained friends and raised families with each other. Oh, and I can’t forget our new best friend, Jackson, that we brought into the circle of trust. My fears of him trying to steal my wife are long gone ever since the day he brought his significant other over to our house for dinner. Dave is two years older than him and lives one street over from us. My only worry now is that Jackson and Dave might want me to have a threesome. I’d be honored and shit because, come on, I’m f**king hot as balls and of course they’d want me, but any more than one penis in a bed is too many, and I would have to sadly decline. Luckily, they haven’t asked yet, so I don’t have to worry about the awkwardness.
I had never thought that night seven years ago when Carter and I went to our new friend Jim’s house for dinner I would meet my soul mate over a plate of lasagna and a discussion on vibrators. Jenny and I…well, I never had a doubt we were meant to be together. She’s my best friend and the best mother and wife there is. No marriage is perfect, but ours is damn near close. And even though we’ve had some troubles, fixing them has been sweeter than any candy I’ve ever eaten.
Well, except for Va**na Skittles. Va**na Skittles are delicious.
Epilogue
Six months later.
“This is Matt with Channel 3 News, coming to you live from the store that started it all, Seduction and Snacks. Seduction and Snacks has grown far beyond the little corner business that two best friends decided to open together almost eight years ago. With the combination of delicious chocolates, cookies, and sex toys, Seduction and Snacks is the perfect store to satisfy your sweet tooth or your bedroom cravings. We’re here today to speak to the women who came up with this idea, as well as their friends and family who have supported them along the way. Welcome, everyone!”
Seated in a straight line are all three couples: Carter and Claire, Liz and Jim, and Drew and Jenny. Sitting on the floor by their feet are each of the couple’s respective children: Gavin and Sophia, Charlotte, Molly, and Ava, and Veronica and Billy.
“Claire, did you ever think that the store you had always dreamed about owning would one day turn into a household name and that you would have locations all over the United States?”
Claire laughs and shakes her head in disbelief while Carter reaches over and covers the hand resting on her thigh with his own.
“This is far beyond my hopes and dreams. Opening just this store by itself was something I never thought would happen. And then to have it take off like it did and to be able to franchise it? I still can’t even wrap my head around it,” Claire states.
“I know you’ve done several interviews about how you and your husband met, and every time I hear that story, it still makes me smile. How are the two of you handling the success along with raising a family?”
Carter lifts Claire’s hand to his lips and places a soft kiss on her fingers. Claire stares happily into his eyes before finally turning back to the camera.
“We’re handling it together, one day at a time. Having the support of such amazing friends and family makes things a lot easier,” Claire states.
“And we really are pretty amazing,” their friend Drew chimes in from down the row. “Well, except for that punk sitting down there surrounded by little girls.”
Drew laughs and points at ten-year-old Gavin, who gives him a dirty look.
“Shut up or I will cut your mother,” Gavin tells him.
“You don’t talk about Eileen Parrit! Eileen Parrit is a saint!” Drew argues.
“So, Liz, did you ever think there would be such a high demand for a store that sells sex toys?”
Jim leans over and places a kiss on Liz’s cheek, and she smiles at the camera.
“As long as there are people having sex, there will always be a need for sex toys,” Liz tells us.
“What’s ‘having sex’?” Liz and Jim’s five-year-old, Ava, asks.
“It’s gross. And people yell like they are in pain. I think it has something to do with killing each other,” Gavin tells her.
“Ooooh, that’s scary. I’m never having the sex,” Ava replies as she goes back to playing with one of the toys her parents brought for her.
“Why do they only pay attention when we’re talking about something they shouldn’t hear?” Jim whispers to Liz.
“Because children are assholes,” Drew whispers back.
“I heard that,” Gavin replies without even turning around.
“Good, because you’re the biggest asshole!” Drew whispers loudly.
“Will you stop calling my son an asshole?!” Claire scolds Drew.
Drew immediately bows his head in remorse when Claire gives him a dirty look.
“Oooooh, you just got schooled by my mommy,” Gavin taunts with a laugh.
Carter quickly leans forward and clamps a hand over Gavin’s mouth while Drew sticks his tongue out at him and gets a smack in the arm from his wife.
“Jenny, you’re credited with putting Seduction and Snacks on the map with all of your amazing marketing and promotion skills. Can you tell us a little bit about that?”
Drew leans back in his chair and throws his arm around the back of Jenny’s and plays with a strand of her hair.
“Um, well, I don’t think I was the one who put Seduction and Snacks on the map. I’m pretty sure it had something to do with the state of Ohio and where they built the building. I could be wrong though. I did send a flyer to our mayor so maybe that made him add it to the map. Not sure,” she says with a shrug.
“You guys have stuck together as friends and been through quite a lot together in the last few years. Where do you see yourselves ten years from now?”
The couples all look at one another, and there are a few smiles and some laughs exchanged.
“In ten years, we’ll still be friends. We’ll still be talking about sex all the time and doing inappropriate things in public,” Jim tells us with a chuckle.
“In ten years, I hope I’m living next door to my best friend so I can just walk over there if I need her. Even if Seduction and Snacks is no longer around, at least I’ll still have her. And sex toys,” Liz says with a smile.
“Awwww, you’re going to make me cry!” Claire tells Liz.
“And you’re going to make me puke. Cut it out!” Drew yells at them.
“In ten years, I hope I’m still waking up every morning next to my soul mate,” Carter admits with a smile in Claire’s direction.
“What is this, Lifestyles of the Gay and Sappy? Come on!” Drew complains.
“In ten years, I hope they have a Skittles remover and I can still put my feet behind my head in a hammock,” Jenny tells everyone.
“In ten years I hope I’ve forgotten every part of that sentence,” Jim states.
“In ten years, I’ll still be banging my hot wife. Hopefully by then they will have invented honey that isn’t so sticky and corn stalks that don’t chafe so much when you tie them to your penis,” Drew states.
“In ten years, I hope Drew stops talking about his penis and the weird things he does with it,” Claire says with a roll of her eyes. “But we’ll definitely still be friends. We’ll all have teenagers then and will need as much support as we can get,” she laughs.
“Oh my God, we have no time! At least take your f**king hand out of your pants!” she yells at me.
“I’m afraid! If I let go, who knows what will happen down there. At least right now I’m keeping it contained.”
Jenny wrings her hands in front of her and whips her head around when we hear a voice.
“Excuse me, are we in the right place? Is this the ‘How to Put the Spark Back in Your Marriage’ course?” a man asks from the doorway, his hand holding onto a woman standing right next to him.
Yes, I am well aware of the irony in this situation. Not that long ago I had practically stalked a doctor because of his shitty self-help CD with the same title. I play nice though and sent him and his wife an invitation to our first class. Unfortunately, due to the restraining order, they are unable to attend.
Jenny turns around and flattens her body against mine, blocking me from the couple's view.
“YES! Yes, welcome! Go ahead and take your seats. We’re just discussing some last minute lesson changes,” Jenny tells them before turning back around to face me.
“Pull that f**king thing off, right now!’ she whispers angrily.
“NO! It’s going to take a layer of skin with it! You have no idea how tangled it is right now!” I whisper back.
I look over Jenny’s shoulder and see two more couples entering the classroom and taking seats, talking amongst themselves.
While I’m busy looking, and before I realize what she’s doing, Jenny sticks her own hand down my pants, wraps it around mine, and yanks as hard as she can.
“MOTHER OF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE DICK IN A BOX!” I scream at the top of my lungs.
Jenny and I stand there staring at one another wide-eyed, the grape pubic-hair covered sucker held in both of our hands between us. My lips are quivering and I can feel tears forming in my eyes.
The pain! Oh my God the pain! It’s like no other I’ve felt before!
Jenny quickly turns back around to face the class, which is now full and all eyes are staring at us questioningly.
I chuck the furry sucker into the garbage can under the table and swallow back my tears, hobbling forward so I’m standing shoulder to shoulder with Jenny.
“Welcome to class, folks! That was just a sample of what we’ll be talking about first this evening. Ways to scream out your pleasure without being boring! Who wants to go first?!” Jenny asks.
It takes a few minutes, but pretty soon the class is really getting into the question and having fun shouting out their suggestions. Jenny and I turn to face each other while the class is laughing and yelling.
Some of my dick skin is stuck to a sucker under the table, the people in the emergency room call us by our first names, we’ve been banned from all major appliance stores and local farms, and yet, I wouldn’t change the way our life has turned out for all the hookers and coke in the world.
“You have GOT to be kidding me?!”
We break our eye contact and turn to face the door of the classroom, our looks of surprise and confusion mirroring those of the two couples who are hovering in the doorway.
“Dude, you guys are the teachers?!” Carter asks with a smile as he pulls Claire into the room. “This is going to be fun!”
The rest of the class has quieted down and is watching our exchange with interest.
“This is going to be a horror show, that’s what this is going to be,” Liz says as she and Jim follow Carter and Claire down the aisle and find their seats. “Tell me you aren’t going to be using yourselves as visual aids.”
Jenny reaches down to the table and lifts up a pair of tongs and a bottle of honey.
“Nope, we’ve got plenty of visual aids,” she tells her with a smile.
“Drew, get the laser pointer off of my boobs,” Claire says in irritation.
Jenny turns her head and sees me standing next to her playing with the pen laser light I picked up at the gas station on the way here.
“Well, Claire, technically this is part of tonight’s lesson. Erroneous Zones and how they can make sex hotter,” Jenny explains as she takes the pointer out of my hand and sets it back on the table.
“Is anyone else weirded out by the fact that Drew and Jenny are teachers?” we hear Jim ask the rest of our friends.
“If they were teaching children, yes. But let’s be honest here. This is the absolute best subject for them to teach,” Liz answers with a smile in our direction.
“Just tell me we aren’t going to be watching any of your home movies,” Claire begs.
“I don’t know. I’d kind of like to see those,” Carter says with a shrug.
“Oh, we’ve already seen their home movie. It’s a finalist over at Youporn’s 'Home Movie of the Year Awards',” one of the guys on the opposite side of the room says. “We Googled you when we signed up for the class. Using the pumpkin and the ice cream scoop was genius, by the way.”
My smile is bigger than ever after hearing those words.
“Honey, you can Google us!” I tell Jenny, leaning in to kiss the top of her head.
“Alright, fine. We Googled you too,” Liz admits.
“Yeah, so did we,” Claire adds.
“And aside from having to see Drew’s hairy ass, it was pretty hot,” Jim states.
“It was disturbing-hot and I felt a little dirty after watching it, and I’m not sure I can ever look you guys in the eye ever again, but yeah, pretty hot,” Carter admits.
“Alright, let’s bring this class to order!” Jenny shouts excitedly. “First, we’re going to discuss items that should never be placed in a va**na unless you are wearing safety goggles and have a pair of needle nose pliers on hand.”
I wrap my arm around Jenny’s shoulders as she begins the first part of the lesson, holding up items one at a time from the table and giving explanations on where they can be safely inserted without the use of medical assistance or antibiotics.
While she talks, I glance over at our friends that had decided to sign up for our class even though they didn’t know we were teaching it. No matter how perfect you think someone else’s marriage is, this just goes to show you we can all use a little spark and a little fun in the bedroom to make life more interesting. I couldn’t be happier that our best friends are here with us tonight. It just makes me realize how great my life really is.
Veronica and Billy are happy and healthy, and our best friends are the greatest people ever. I’m beyond glad we’ve remained friends and raised families with each other. Oh, and I can’t forget our new best friend, Jackson, that we brought into the circle of trust. My fears of him trying to steal my wife are long gone ever since the day he brought his significant other over to our house for dinner. Dave is two years older than him and lives one street over from us. My only worry now is that Jackson and Dave might want me to have a threesome. I’d be honored and shit because, come on, I’m f**king hot as balls and of course they’d want me, but any more than one penis in a bed is too many, and I would have to sadly decline. Luckily, they haven’t asked yet, so I don’t have to worry about the awkwardness.
I had never thought that night seven years ago when Carter and I went to our new friend Jim’s house for dinner I would meet my soul mate over a plate of lasagna and a discussion on vibrators. Jenny and I…well, I never had a doubt we were meant to be together. She’s my best friend and the best mother and wife there is. No marriage is perfect, but ours is damn near close. And even though we’ve had some troubles, fixing them has been sweeter than any candy I’ve ever eaten.
Well, except for Va**na Skittles. Va**na Skittles are delicious.
Epilogue
Six months later.
“This is Matt with Channel 3 News, coming to you live from the store that started it all, Seduction and Snacks. Seduction and Snacks has grown far beyond the little corner business that two best friends decided to open together almost eight years ago. With the combination of delicious chocolates, cookies, and sex toys, Seduction and Snacks is the perfect store to satisfy your sweet tooth or your bedroom cravings. We’re here today to speak to the women who came up with this idea, as well as their friends and family who have supported them along the way. Welcome, everyone!”
Seated in a straight line are all three couples: Carter and Claire, Liz and Jim, and Drew and Jenny. Sitting on the floor by their feet are each of the couple’s respective children: Gavin and Sophia, Charlotte, Molly, and Ava, and Veronica and Billy.
“Claire, did you ever think that the store you had always dreamed about owning would one day turn into a household name and that you would have locations all over the United States?”
Claire laughs and shakes her head in disbelief while Carter reaches over and covers the hand resting on her thigh with his own.
“This is far beyond my hopes and dreams. Opening just this store by itself was something I never thought would happen. And then to have it take off like it did and to be able to franchise it? I still can’t even wrap my head around it,” Claire states.
“I know you’ve done several interviews about how you and your husband met, and every time I hear that story, it still makes me smile. How are the two of you handling the success along with raising a family?”
Carter lifts Claire’s hand to his lips and places a soft kiss on her fingers. Claire stares happily into his eyes before finally turning back to the camera.
“We’re handling it together, one day at a time. Having the support of such amazing friends and family makes things a lot easier,” Claire states.
“And we really are pretty amazing,” their friend Drew chimes in from down the row. “Well, except for that punk sitting down there surrounded by little girls.”
Drew laughs and points at ten-year-old Gavin, who gives him a dirty look.
“Shut up or I will cut your mother,” Gavin tells him.
“You don’t talk about Eileen Parrit! Eileen Parrit is a saint!” Drew argues.
“So, Liz, did you ever think there would be such a high demand for a store that sells sex toys?”
Jim leans over and places a kiss on Liz’s cheek, and she smiles at the camera.
“As long as there are people having sex, there will always be a need for sex toys,” Liz tells us.
“What’s ‘having sex’?” Liz and Jim’s five-year-old, Ava, asks.
“It’s gross. And people yell like they are in pain. I think it has something to do with killing each other,” Gavin tells her.
“Ooooh, that’s scary. I’m never having the sex,” Ava replies as she goes back to playing with one of the toys her parents brought for her.
“Why do they only pay attention when we’re talking about something they shouldn’t hear?” Jim whispers to Liz.
“Because children are assholes,” Drew whispers back.
“I heard that,” Gavin replies without even turning around.
“Good, because you’re the biggest asshole!” Drew whispers loudly.
“Will you stop calling my son an asshole?!” Claire scolds Drew.
Drew immediately bows his head in remorse when Claire gives him a dirty look.
“Oooooh, you just got schooled by my mommy,” Gavin taunts with a laugh.
Carter quickly leans forward and clamps a hand over Gavin’s mouth while Drew sticks his tongue out at him and gets a smack in the arm from his wife.
“Jenny, you’re credited with putting Seduction and Snacks on the map with all of your amazing marketing and promotion skills. Can you tell us a little bit about that?”
Drew leans back in his chair and throws his arm around the back of Jenny’s and plays with a strand of her hair.
“Um, well, I don’t think I was the one who put Seduction and Snacks on the map. I’m pretty sure it had something to do with the state of Ohio and where they built the building. I could be wrong though. I did send a flyer to our mayor so maybe that made him add it to the map. Not sure,” she says with a shrug.
“You guys have stuck together as friends and been through quite a lot together in the last few years. Where do you see yourselves ten years from now?”
The couples all look at one another, and there are a few smiles and some laughs exchanged.
“In ten years, we’ll still be friends. We’ll still be talking about sex all the time and doing inappropriate things in public,” Jim tells us with a chuckle.
“In ten years, I hope I’m living next door to my best friend so I can just walk over there if I need her. Even if Seduction and Snacks is no longer around, at least I’ll still have her. And sex toys,” Liz says with a smile.
“Awwww, you’re going to make me cry!” Claire tells Liz.
“And you’re going to make me puke. Cut it out!” Drew yells at them.
“In ten years, I hope I’m still waking up every morning next to my soul mate,” Carter admits with a smile in Claire’s direction.
“What is this, Lifestyles of the Gay and Sappy? Come on!” Drew complains.
“In ten years, I hope they have a Skittles remover and I can still put my feet behind my head in a hammock,” Jenny tells everyone.
“In ten years I hope I’ve forgotten every part of that sentence,” Jim states.
“In ten years, I’ll still be banging my hot wife. Hopefully by then they will have invented honey that isn’t so sticky and corn stalks that don’t chafe so much when you tie them to your penis,” Drew states.
“In ten years, I hope Drew stops talking about his penis and the weird things he does with it,” Claire says with a roll of her eyes. “But we’ll definitely still be friends. We’ll all have teenagers then and will need as much support as we can get,” she laughs.
