Trusting Liam
Page 48
I was afraid it had something to do with the fact that he’d been in California for over a month now and I had yet to make a decision. But the truth was, the closer and closer I got to making a decision, the more scared I got. Scared I still hadn’t done enough to give both Liam and Rhys a fair chance, scared I would make the wrong decision and not be able to reverse it, and even more scared of hurting one of them. Both men meant too much to me to want to hurt them—and that thought had me wondering when I’d become such a wimp when it came to voicing my feelings.
But then I looked over at the guy walking next to me, and knew I had my answer. I’d become a wimp about voicing my feelings after Rhys left me—and only to men who held my heart.
“Kennedy, I have a question for you,” Rhys said suddenly, his deep voice rumbling in the dark as we walked back to the condo with tons of fresh food and full stomachs.
Oh God. Oh no, he’s going to ask me to decide!
“It’s going to be personal, and probably awkward for you to answer because it’s kind of awkward for me to ask . . . but I really want to know. I’ve wanted to for some time now.”
“Okay,” I said hesitantly.
“This Liam guy. It was obvious he didn’t know about me.” It hadn’t been a question, but Rhys still looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
“No, he didn’t,” I confirmed. “I had actually just told him the night before you showed up that I was going to tell him about my past soon.”
Rhys laughed. “Looks like I had great timing, then.”
I rolled my eyes and scoffed.
“But if you didn’t tell him about me, did you . . . did you tell him . . .” He drifted off and mumbled a curse as he stopped walking and turned to face me. “Do you still have to be in control?”
“Yes,” I admitted softly.
“And with him?”
I shook my head for a moment. I didn’t want to get into this with Rhys because he knew that my needing control was purely physical and sexual. But then I remembered how he’d started this conversation, and how hard it had been for him to ask his question, and my shoulders fell as I said, “I lose it with him. There’s not even a fight anymore—or, there wasn’t. At the beginning I would try to stay in control, but I wouldn’t hold on to it for more than a minute. He demands it—silently . . . I don’t want you to think he orders me around or anything. But it’s just how he is. He takes control.”
“And you let him,” Rhys stated.
Even though it wasn’t a question, I nodded. “Yeah, I did.”
Rhys started to look uncomfortable again, and he stumbled over his words when he asked, “Anyone else?”
“No. I was always in control except for when I was with you and Liam.” Rhys wasn’t looking at me anymore; he was staring at the ground. “Rhys . . . why are you bringing this up?”
With a heavy exhale, he looked up at me and said, “Because I wanted to know how much he means to you.”
A hard laugh burst from my chest. “And knowing that I lose control with him answers that for you?”
Rhys watched me for a second with a sad smile. “Yeah, it does. Knowing how you were when we met, I knew exactly what I meant to you when you stopped trying to maintain control physically. Because right after that was when you stopped trying to control the relationship, and you just let us happen. Everything about you and us changed then.”
“Wait, what? Control the relationship? I never tried to control relationships, I control anything physical.”
One dark brow rose, and his lips twitched in amusement. “Trust me, Kennedy, you control relationships. You tried to control ours. If you think about it, I know you already know this.” When I shook my head, he said, “Tell me why you think you control physical times.”
“Why I think? You already know why I do.”
“Humor me, Kennedy.”
“Because I never wanted to feel like a man had control over me. I wanted to be the one to say how things went.”
“That last part is why you try to control relationships. You told me the night I met your family that you’d grown up wanting a marriage like your parents have, and a lot made sense after you told me that. The way you were before you gave up control was like you wanted to make sure our relationship was like theirs. But the second you stopped trying to make our relationship a certain way was when I knew you had fallen for me as much as I had for you. At the time, I didn’t know your parents or what you were doing, I just knew that you were right there with me for the ride instead of trying to make us something we weren’t. The night you told me about wanting what they have, I knew I’d been right.”
“I don’t—” I began, but he cut me off.
“You do. Or, you did. We’d already talked about the physical part when we were still together, so I knew that I’d been the first person who you’d let control that. But I’ve wondered for years about the rest. Because like I said, when you lost control with me I knew what our relationship meant to you. You just confirmed that you’ve never been that way with anyone else . . . except for him. So now I know what he means to you.”
I stood there completely silent, not knowing what to say. Because as much as I wanted to continue denying what he was saying, a part of me knew he was right. I had grown up wanting what my parents have, and now that Rhys had explained it to me, I could see that I had done things in my past to try to ensure I would have that kind of marriage and love—even in the smallest of relationships. But I hadn’t done any of that since the man standing in front of me had completely rocked my world.
I rocked back on my heels and shook my head once. “That doesn’t make sense now. I tried to avoid a relationship with Liam . . . and that was because of you. I didn’t want to go through what you’d put me through again, and I just knew that he had that power to crush me like you did. But I never once tried to make my relationship with him something it wasn’t. When I gave up with him, I was giving up trying to keep myself from him.”
Another sad smile pulled at Rhys’s lips. “Then I guess that tells both of us exactly what he means to you.” He watched my confused expression for a second before gesturing in the direction we’d been walking. “Come on. Let’s get all this stuff back and make Kira dinner, and we’ll stop with the heavy conversation for tonight. Deal?”
“Deal.”
THE NEXT AFTERNOON I was walking into Brian’s tattoo shop with a bag of greasy food in hand. The air in the condo had been thick with tension as Rhys, Kira, and I had absentmindedly watched TV just so we wouldn’t have to talk to each other, and soon it had been too much for me to handle. With a quick good-bye, I’d gotten in the car and driven around for almost thirty minutes before I found myself in a drive-thru buying food for Brian.
“Dude number one!” Brian called out excitedly. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”
“Why is it you don’t have an issue with figuring out which one of us is which?”
Brian looked offended. “As if I would? I had my share of twinsies before I met my lady love. I’m what everyone should call an expert.”
“Should?” I asked on a laugh. “Here, brought you something so you wouldn’t starve.”
But then I looked over at the guy walking next to me, and knew I had my answer. I’d become a wimp about voicing my feelings after Rhys left me—and only to men who held my heart.
“Kennedy, I have a question for you,” Rhys said suddenly, his deep voice rumbling in the dark as we walked back to the condo with tons of fresh food and full stomachs.
Oh God. Oh no, he’s going to ask me to decide!
“It’s going to be personal, and probably awkward for you to answer because it’s kind of awkward for me to ask . . . but I really want to know. I’ve wanted to for some time now.”
“Okay,” I said hesitantly.
“This Liam guy. It was obvious he didn’t know about me.” It hadn’t been a question, but Rhys still looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
“No, he didn’t,” I confirmed. “I had actually just told him the night before you showed up that I was going to tell him about my past soon.”
Rhys laughed. “Looks like I had great timing, then.”
I rolled my eyes and scoffed.
“But if you didn’t tell him about me, did you . . . did you tell him . . .” He drifted off and mumbled a curse as he stopped walking and turned to face me. “Do you still have to be in control?”
“Yes,” I admitted softly.
“And with him?”
I shook my head for a moment. I didn’t want to get into this with Rhys because he knew that my needing control was purely physical and sexual. But then I remembered how he’d started this conversation, and how hard it had been for him to ask his question, and my shoulders fell as I said, “I lose it with him. There’s not even a fight anymore—or, there wasn’t. At the beginning I would try to stay in control, but I wouldn’t hold on to it for more than a minute. He demands it—silently . . . I don’t want you to think he orders me around or anything. But it’s just how he is. He takes control.”
“And you let him,” Rhys stated.
Even though it wasn’t a question, I nodded. “Yeah, I did.”
Rhys started to look uncomfortable again, and he stumbled over his words when he asked, “Anyone else?”
“No. I was always in control except for when I was with you and Liam.” Rhys wasn’t looking at me anymore; he was staring at the ground. “Rhys . . . why are you bringing this up?”
With a heavy exhale, he looked up at me and said, “Because I wanted to know how much he means to you.”
A hard laugh burst from my chest. “And knowing that I lose control with him answers that for you?”
Rhys watched me for a second with a sad smile. “Yeah, it does. Knowing how you were when we met, I knew exactly what I meant to you when you stopped trying to maintain control physically. Because right after that was when you stopped trying to control the relationship, and you just let us happen. Everything about you and us changed then.”
“Wait, what? Control the relationship? I never tried to control relationships, I control anything physical.”
One dark brow rose, and his lips twitched in amusement. “Trust me, Kennedy, you control relationships. You tried to control ours. If you think about it, I know you already know this.” When I shook my head, he said, “Tell me why you think you control physical times.”
“Why I think? You already know why I do.”
“Humor me, Kennedy.”
“Because I never wanted to feel like a man had control over me. I wanted to be the one to say how things went.”
“That last part is why you try to control relationships. You told me the night I met your family that you’d grown up wanting a marriage like your parents have, and a lot made sense after you told me that. The way you were before you gave up control was like you wanted to make sure our relationship was like theirs. But the second you stopped trying to make our relationship a certain way was when I knew you had fallen for me as much as I had for you. At the time, I didn’t know your parents or what you were doing, I just knew that you were right there with me for the ride instead of trying to make us something we weren’t. The night you told me about wanting what they have, I knew I’d been right.”
“I don’t—” I began, but he cut me off.
“You do. Or, you did. We’d already talked about the physical part when we were still together, so I knew that I’d been the first person who you’d let control that. But I’ve wondered for years about the rest. Because like I said, when you lost control with me I knew what our relationship meant to you. You just confirmed that you’ve never been that way with anyone else . . . except for him. So now I know what he means to you.”
I stood there completely silent, not knowing what to say. Because as much as I wanted to continue denying what he was saying, a part of me knew he was right. I had grown up wanting what my parents have, and now that Rhys had explained it to me, I could see that I had done things in my past to try to ensure I would have that kind of marriage and love—even in the smallest of relationships. But I hadn’t done any of that since the man standing in front of me had completely rocked my world.
I rocked back on my heels and shook my head once. “That doesn’t make sense now. I tried to avoid a relationship with Liam . . . and that was because of you. I didn’t want to go through what you’d put me through again, and I just knew that he had that power to crush me like you did. But I never once tried to make my relationship with him something it wasn’t. When I gave up with him, I was giving up trying to keep myself from him.”
Another sad smile pulled at Rhys’s lips. “Then I guess that tells both of us exactly what he means to you.” He watched my confused expression for a second before gesturing in the direction we’d been walking. “Come on. Let’s get all this stuff back and make Kira dinner, and we’ll stop with the heavy conversation for tonight. Deal?”
“Deal.”
THE NEXT AFTERNOON I was walking into Brian’s tattoo shop with a bag of greasy food in hand. The air in the condo had been thick with tension as Rhys, Kira, and I had absentmindedly watched TV just so we wouldn’t have to talk to each other, and soon it had been too much for me to handle. With a quick good-bye, I’d gotten in the car and driven around for almost thirty minutes before I found myself in a drive-thru buying food for Brian.
“Dude number one!” Brian called out excitedly. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”
“Why is it you don’t have an issue with figuring out which one of us is which?”
Brian looked offended. “As if I would? I had my share of twinsies before I met my lady love. I’m what everyone should call an expert.”
“Should?” I asked on a laugh. “Here, brought you something so you wouldn’t starve.”
