Uncivilized
Page 75
“You could come with me,” he says quietly, his eyes serious and intent.
I want to scoff at him because the idea is ridiculous. I’ve lived in a modern world my entire life. I’ve devoted a large portion of myself to becoming a scientist and developing a name for myself. I could never give that up to… to… what? Pick grub worms from rotted wood to go with the meat that Zach hunts for me?
But I don’t say those things because right now, Zach’s offer is serious. I also know if he thought about it a moment, he really didn’t mean it. I mean… when he returns, he’s returning to a tribal society that doesn’t even practice monogamy. We wouldn’t have our own happy little home, and we wouldn’t make love for hours. No, he’d put me on my knees in the dirt and f**k me without any emotion because that is what he would become again when he returns. And that would destroy me.
Taking a deep breath, I turn away from him and walk to the small vanity table. I take a moment to put on my watch and earrings that are laying there. Sorrow courses through me as I realize… there is no future with Zach. There’s only the here and now, for however long that may be.
“Moira… Randall wouldn’t care if you and I were together,” Zach says confidently.
Turning around, I look at Zach with disbelief. “You don’t know that. You can’t possibly know that.”
He gives me a smile as he walks toward me. Reaching out, he tucks my hair behind my ear and looks at me thoughtfully. “I do know that because I’ve gotten to know Randall. He’s a good man and more than anything, I truly believe he just wants me to be happy.”
“And are you happy, Zach? Are you really happy here in a world that you want to run from?”
“I’m not running from it now, am I?” he says, his voice hard.
“Maybe not, but you’re certainly vocal that you’ll run from it one day. Your plans are still to return, right?”
Zach’s lips turn downward into a frown, and his voice is sad. “Yes, I’m going back. It’s where I belong.”
Letting out a breath of acceptance, I place my hand on his chest. “I know. I know you don’t belong here, even if I wish you did.”
His eyebrows rise in surprise. “You want me to stay?”
I’m not prepared for this conversation because I’m afraid it will lead me to say something foolish, like Yes, I want you to stay. I’m falling in love with you, and I can’t bear the thought of you leaving.
But I keep my lips sealed tight and tell him, “It doesn’t matter what I want. Like Randall, I only want you to be happy too, and I’ll support your need to return if that’s where your joy lies.”
Zach watches me intently, waiting for me to say something else. He looks disgruntled by what I just said, but I just stare back at him, reaching an impasse in truly laying out all of our feelings. Because let’s face it… it’s easier to express them with sex and desire rather than talk about what the heart truly wants.
Turning away from me, Zach heads toward my bedroom door that leads out into the hallway. “Let’s go eat breakfast and then we can get packed up.”
Yes, we need to get packed. Zach and I are going to go to North Carolina for the weekend to visit my sister, and I’m yearning to see her. She’s someone I can talk to about all of this craziness with Zach and hopefully, she can give me some perspective.
I cut into the Belgian waffle on my plate and take a small bite. My stomach is still churning with apprehension, worried that at any moment Randall is going to call me out for seducing his godson.
But with every passing moment, Randall is nothing but his kind and jovial self. He and Zach keep up a running dialogue about Randall’s plans to expand Cannon’s Department Store globally. I can’t tell if Zach is truly interested or if he’s just humoring the old man, but whatever it is, I can tell that Zach has definitely developed a fondness for his godfather. He’s totally at ease with him, and he even kids around, making sly jokes at Randall’s expense, who always bursts into laughter at Zach’s temerity.
“So, Moira… are you actually working on writing up your study on Zach to publish or will you wait until after he returns to Amazonia?”
I swallow my waffle and take a sip of orange juice. “I’m actually working on the paper as we go. It’s a bit different than my other studies on the Indians I’ve observed who have transitioned back into modern society, so I’m finding this method works better.”
“How so?” Randall asks with interest. Zach listens while he eats, but he’s actually heard this before. We had talked about it the other day when we decided to have a lunch picnic in the park.
“Well, in my other studies, those Indians were indigenous and had never been in the modern world. Zach is a bit different. He was born here and has some strong memories that have helped to ease his transition. But the biggest difference is in the language barrier. Zach speaks English. The Indians I studied all spoke Portuguese, and I had to work with an interpreter. Also, I didn’t have one-on-one access to them the way I do with Zach. I was able to do some interviews with the interpreter and had them fill out some questionnaires, but I couldn’t observe them. It was very sterile, and I had a lot of written data I had to analyze.”
“So I imagine as you observe Zach, it’s easier to write your findings in an organic manner,” Randall observes astutely.
“Exactly,” I tell him, and then because I’m suffering under massive guilt for entering into a sexual relationship with my study subject, I say, “And again, Randall, I cannot thank you enough for this opportunity. For trusting me with this project.”
I want to scoff at him because the idea is ridiculous. I’ve lived in a modern world my entire life. I’ve devoted a large portion of myself to becoming a scientist and developing a name for myself. I could never give that up to… to… what? Pick grub worms from rotted wood to go with the meat that Zach hunts for me?
But I don’t say those things because right now, Zach’s offer is serious. I also know if he thought about it a moment, he really didn’t mean it. I mean… when he returns, he’s returning to a tribal society that doesn’t even practice monogamy. We wouldn’t have our own happy little home, and we wouldn’t make love for hours. No, he’d put me on my knees in the dirt and f**k me without any emotion because that is what he would become again when he returns. And that would destroy me.
Taking a deep breath, I turn away from him and walk to the small vanity table. I take a moment to put on my watch and earrings that are laying there. Sorrow courses through me as I realize… there is no future with Zach. There’s only the here and now, for however long that may be.
“Moira… Randall wouldn’t care if you and I were together,” Zach says confidently.
Turning around, I look at Zach with disbelief. “You don’t know that. You can’t possibly know that.”
He gives me a smile as he walks toward me. Reaching out, he tucks my hair behind my ear and looks at me thoughtfully. “I do know that because I’ve gotten to know Randall. He’s a good man and more than anything, I truly believe he just wants me to be happy.”
“And are you happy, Zach? Are you really happy here in a world that you want to run from?”
“I’m not running from it now, am I?” he says, his voice hard.
“Maybe not, but you’re certainly vocal that you’ll run from it one day. Your plans are still to return, right?”
Zach’s lips turn downward into a frown, and his voice is sad. “Yes, I’m going back. It’s where I belong.”
Letting out a breath of acceptance, I place my hand on his chest. “I know. I know you don’t belong here, even if I wish you did.”
His eyebrows rise in surprise. “You want me to stay?”
I’m not prepared for this conversation because I’m afraid it will lead me to say something foolish, like Yes, I want you to stay. I’m falling in love with you, and I can’t bear the thought of you leaving.
But I keep my lips sealed tight and tell him, “It doesn’t matter what I want. Like Randall, I only want you to be happy too, and I’ll support your need to return if that’s where your joy lies.”
Zach watches me intently, waiting for me to say something else. He looks disgruntled by what I just said, but I just stare back at him, reaching an impasse in truly laying out all of our feelings. Because let’s face it… it’s easier to express them with sex and desire rather than talk about what the heart truly wants.
Turning away from me, Zach heads toward my bedroom door that leads out into the hallway. “Let’s go eat breakfast and then we can get packed up.”
Yes, we need to get packed. Zach and I are going to go to North Carolina for the weekend to visit my sister, and I’m yearning to see her. She’s someone I can talk to about all of this craziness with Zach and hopefully, she can give me some perspective.
I cut into the Belgian waffle on my plate and take a small bite. My stomach is still churning with apprehension, worried that at any moment Randall is going to call me out for seducing his godson.
But with every passing moment, Randall is nothing but his kind and jovial self. He and Zach keep up a running dialogue about Randall’s plans to expand Cannon’s Department Store globally. I can’t tell if Zach is truly interested or if he’s just humoring the old man, but whatever it is, I can tell that Zach has definitely developed a fondness for his godfather. He’s totally at ease with him, and he even kids around, making sly jokes at Randall’s expense, who always bursts into laughter at Zach’s temerity.
“So, Moira… are you actually working on writing up your study on Zach to publish or will you wait until after he returns to Amazonia?”
I swallow my waffle and take a sip of orange juice. “I’m actually working on the paper as we go. It’s a bit different than my other studies on the Indians I’ve observed who have transitioned back into modern society, so I’m finding this method works better.”
“How so?” Randall asks with interest. Zach listens while he eats, but he’s actually heard this before. We had talked about it the other day when we decided to have a lunch picnic in the park.
“Well, in my other studies, those Indians were indigenous and had never been in the modern world. Zach is a bit different. He was born here and has some strong memories that have helped to ease his transition. But the biggest difference is in the language barrier. Zach speaks English. The Indians I studied all spoke Portuguese, and I had to work with an interpreter. Also, I didn’t have one-on-one access to them the way I do with Zach. I was able to do some interviews with the interpreter and had them fill out some questionnaires, but I couldn’t observe them. It was very sterile, and I had a lot of written data I had to analyze.”
“So I imagine as you observe Zach, it’s easier to write your findings in an organic manner,” Randall observes astutely.
“Exactly,” I tell him, and then because I’m suffering under massive guilt for entering into a sexual relationship with my study subject, I say, “And again, Randall, I cannot thank you enough for this opportunity. For trusting me with this project.”
