Unconditional
Page 62
Garrett slowly gets to his feet. “Please, Carina, trust me.” He looks agonized. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. We had our fun, but this needs to end. So we’re done.”
“No.” I shake my head. Anger is pumping hot in my system now, fueled by the unthinkable fear that he’s really going to do this, take our relationship and everything we’ve shared and just cast it aside as if it never meant anything at all.
This is all wrong.
“I told you once, I’m not letting other people define my life anymore. So you can’t just decide we’re done, you need to give me a reason,” I insist, my voice rising with passion. “Tell me why you’re doing this. Tell me you’re scared, or you need some time, but don’t you dare tell me this was just for fun, because we both know that’s a lie. I know you, Garrett,” I protest, my voice trembling with the truth. “And you feel it too. You feel something, just try and tell me you don’t!”
“Is that what you want, Carina?” Garrett suddenly turns on me, his face twisted with conflict. “You want me to admit how I feel?”
“Yes!” I cry, desperate. “Just be honest with me, please, that’s all I need!”
“You f**king consume me, Carina!”
I reel back in shock. Garrett’s face is wild with passion, his voice a thick roar. “I can’t think straight anymore, I want you every minute of every day!” He suddenly surges forward, grabbing me by the arms and pushing me back against the wall. His eyes flash, their blue depths filled with agony. “I thought I could get you out of my system, if I could just have my fill of you, that all of this would fade. I’d be free. But I’ll never have enough of you!”
He closes the distance between us, his lips crashing against mine in a punishing kiss. There’s nothing gentle about it, it’s tortured and rough, but oh, my body rises to him in a heartbeat. I arch up, grabbing at him, feeling the hard planes of his body hot against mine as he grabs at my body, molding me to him, driving me back against the hard wall.
He kisses me like he’s drowning, clinging on for dear life.
And then suddenly, he’s gone. Garrett tears himself away from me and curses under his breath.
“You can’t end this.” I find my voice again, determined. “Not when it feels like that when you touch me, when you kiss me. That means something. Why can’t you see?”
“Because I can’t do this!” Garrett whirls back to me, his face ablaze with conflict. “You think I want to push you away? To hurt you? God, Carina, saying this to you is hurting me more than I know.”
“Then why do it?” I cry, tears stinging my throat. “I don’t understand. Why are you pushing me away if you feel the same way?”
“Because I can’t give you what you need!” Garrett yells. “I’m not the man for you, Carina. I told you from the start. I can’t be a husband to you, a father. I’m not made that way, not anymore!”
I catch my breath, reeling. “This is about her?” I gasp. “Charlotte, and your daughter?”
“Don’t call her that!” Garrett roars with fury. “She was never mine, and she never will be, and losing them both—I swore I’d never put myself through that again!”
There’s silence.
I stare at him, my head spinning. This is why he’s pushing me away? His old wounds, the shadows of the past? He’s scared of caring, of loving someone again and having that love ripped away.
Doesn’t he realize I will love him until the world ends?
“Garrett, I would never—” I start, but he cuts me off.
“Don’t.” Garrett points a finger at me. His voice is harsh. “I told you, I can’t do this. I can’t be the man you need, and you deserve so much better than me.”
“No,” I insist, but he won’t listen.
“Dammit, Carina, this isn’t up to you!” he explodes. I step back in shock. “Can’t you see, I’m trying to make this easy on you?” Garrett swears, “I could take you right now, I could carry you up to that bedroom and not come up for air all week. But it would only be leading you on,” his voice twists. “I can’t make you think we have a future when there is none. It’s not right.”
“Maybe I don’t need a future,” I tell him, my voice breaking. “Maybe all I want is you, right now.”
I reach for him, but he yanks away.
“You know that’s not true.” The stormy expression on his face cracks, and for a moment, Garrett’s face is heartbreakingly tender. “You want everything, Carina. A family, a home. And I want them for you. I want you to have everything you deserve, the life you’ve always dreamed about. But that life, it’s not with me.” His voice twists with regret. “I can’t be that man for you, Carina. That part of my soul is dead and gone.”
Garrett’s eyes meet mine, and I see the depths of his despair. The regret, the longing, the bitter shame.
He means it, every word.
He can’t be mine.
I gasp for air, feeling my heart break in two. I would fight for us until the end of time, but Garrett, he thinks the battle is already over.
“But I love you,” I whisper, a final broken plea.
He hangs his head. “I’m sorry.”
There’s nothing more to say now; I’ve said the most important thing of all. The fight drains out of my body, replaced with a wretched defeat.
“No.” I shake my head. Anger is pumping hot in my system now, fueled by the unthinkable fear that he’s really going to do this, take our relationship and everything we’ve shared and just cast it aside as if it never meant anything at all.
This is all wrong.
“I told you once, I’m not letting other people define my life anymore. So you can’t just decide we’re done, you need to give me a reason,” I insist, my voice rising with passion. “Tell me why you’re doing this. Tell me you’re scared, or you need some time, but don’t you dare tell me this was just for fun, because we both know that’s a lie. I know you, Garrett,” I protest, my voice trembling with the truth. “And you feel it too. You feel something, just try and tell me you don’t!”
“Is that what you want, Carina?” Garrett suddenly turns on me, his face twisted with conflict. “You want me to admit how I feel?”
“Yes!” I cry, desperate. “Just be honest with me, please, that’s all I need!”
“You f**king consume me, Carina!”
I reel back in shock. Garrett’s face is wild with passion, his voice a thick roar. “I can’t think straight anymore, I want you every minute of every day!” He suddenly surges forward, grabbing me by the arms and pushing me back against the wall. His eyes flash, their blue depths filled with agony. “I thought I could get you out of my system, if I could just have my fill of you, that all of this would fade. I’d be free. But I’ll never have enough of you!”
He closes the distance between us, his lips crashing against mine in a punishing kiss. There’s nothing gentle about it, it’s tortured and rough, but oh, my body rises to him in a heartbeat. I arch up, grabbing at him, feeling the hard planes of his body hot against mine as he grabs at my body, molding me to him, driving me back against the hard wall.
He kisses me like he’s drowning, clinging on for dear life.
And then suddenly, he’s gone. Garrett tears himself away from me and curses under his breath.
“You can’t end this.” I find my voice again, determined. “Not when it feels like that when you touch me, when you kiss me. That means something. Why can’t you see?”
“Because I can’t do this!” Garrett whirls back to me, his face ablaze with conflict. “You think I want to push you away? To hurt you? God, Carina, saying this to you is hurting me more than I know.”
“Then why do it?” I cry, tears stinging my throat. “I don’t understand. Why are you pushing me away if you feel the same way?”
“Because I can’t give you what you need!” Garrett yells. “I’m not the man for you, Carina. I told you from the start. I can’t be a husband to you, a father. I’m not made that way, not anymore!”
I catch my breath, reeling. “This is about her?” I gasp. “Charlotte, and your daughter?”
“Don’t call her that!” Garrett roars with fury. “She was never mine, and she never will be, and losing them both—I swore I’d never put myself through that again!”
There’s silence.
I stare at him, my head spinning. This is why he’s pushing me away? His old wounds, the shadows of the past? He’s scared of caring, of loving someone again and having that love ripped away.
Doesn’t he realize I will love him until the world ends?
“Garrett, I would never—” I start, but he cuts me off.
“Don’t.” Garrett points a finger at me. His voice is harsh. “I told you, I can’t do this. I can’t be the man you need, and you deserve so much better than me.”
“No,” I insist, but he won’t listen.
“Dammit, Carina, this isn’t up to you!” he explodes. I step back in shock. “Can’t you see, I’m trying to make this easy on you?” Garrett swears, “I could take you right now, I could carry you up to that bedroom and not come up for air all week. But it would only be leading you on,” his voice twists. “I can’t make you think we have a future when there is none. It’s not right.”
“Maybe I don’t need a future,” I tell him, my voice breaking. “Maybe all I want is you, right now.”
I reach for him, but he yanks away.
“You know that’s not true.” The stormy expression on his face cracks, and for a moment, Garrett’s face is heartbreakingly tender. “You want everything, Carina. A family, a home. And I want them for you. I want you to have everything you deserve, the life you’ve always dreamed about. But that life, it’s not with me.” His voice twists with regret. “I can’t be that man for you, Carina. That part of my soul is dead and gone.”
Garrett’s eyes meet mine, and I see the depths of his despair. The regret, the longing, the bitter shame.
He means it, every word.
He can’t be mine.
I gasp for air, feeling my heart break in two. I would fight for us until the end of time, but Garrett, he thinks the battle is already over.
“But I love you,” I whisper, a final broken plea.
He hangs his head. “I’m sorry.”
There’s nothing more to say now; I’ve said the most important thing of all. The fight drains out of my body, replaced with a wretched defeat.
