Unconditional
Page 61
“Friends,” I whisper in a dazed echo of his words. Part of me is still in shock, but now it’s starting to reach me. My adrenaline comes crashing down—the giddy elation that soared through my body just seconds ago suddenly turning to poison in my veins.
He doesn’t want you anymore.
In an instant, all my old fears and insecurities rear up, filling my head with doubts.
He’s seen through you. He knows who you are now, and he doesn’t want you anymore.
“What changed?” I ask him, fighting to keep my voice steady. “Back at the bar you couldn’t keep your hands off me, and now suddenly you’re calling it quits?”
A twisted expression flashes on Garrett’s face. “You mean before your song?”
His words have a weird weight to them, dropping like stones on the sandy porch floor between us.
“What do you…?” I pause, and it comes flooding back to me. The song: my performance, it was all just for him. Another reckless impulse of mine to lay everything out on the line, but I’d been so caught up in the thrill of performing, I didn’t think twice. The music was the most honest way I could tell him how I feel, and from the blazing connection between us that shimmered for those few moments of the song, I know he felt it too.
So why won’t he even look at you now?
“This is about my song?” Fear clenches around my heart, so I try to act casual. “Garrett, it was just a performance.”
He lifts his head and fixes me with a stark look, seeing through my lies the way he always does. “It wasn’t just a song, Carina. You were telling me how you feel.”
I flush. “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that in public, but I couldn’t help myself. I got swept up in the moment,” I add in a whisper.
“We both did.” He sighs. “It’s my fault,” Garrett says quietly. “I shouldn’t have let it go on this long. I told you, three strikes and I’m done. No mess, no fuss. Simple.” His voice is full of self-loathing, heavy and final.
“So we’re done?” I’m still reeling, I can’t believe he’s really saying this. “After everything we’ve shared with each other, what happened the other night…”
I stop, memories flooding my mind: hot and yearning, soft and sweet. He can’t say it was just fun to him, not when I felt the depth of his passion, saw all the way to his soul.
But Garrett looks away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. It was fun,” he repeats, “But you knew what you were getting into when we started this. I’m just not that kind of guy.”
He finally meets my eyes. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, and the regret in his expression finally pierces my shocked haze.
He means it. It’s over.
Something inside me shuts down. Everything in me goes numb with shock, an avalanche of failure crashing over me.
I should have known this happiness was fleeting. I should have known I didn’t deserve this kind of love.
The pain takes over me, more than I can stand. I back away, stuttering. “I didn’t…I mean, I can’t…”
But there are no words for the way I feel right now, like my happiness has been ripped in two. I feel a sob bubble up in my throat, and have to clamp my hand over my mouth.
“Goodbye,” I manage, the ache slicing through me like a knife.
Garrett’s stony expression slips. “Carina…” he starts, but I don’t wait, I turn and run back through the house, dashing down the front steps and out into the cool night air again. My failure beats around me in a crescendo of past regret, taunting me with the knowledge I’ve lost it all again.
Your father, Alexander, now Garrett, too. There’s something in you that’s unloveable, that keeps driving them all away.
I’m in the yard when something makes me stop: a compulsion I can’t explain—an instinct I won’t ignore.
Garrett.
He’s not like the others, I can’t believe it, no matter what he says.
I’m just not that kind of guy.
But he is—a good man, the best I’ve ever known. That’s what doesn’t make any sense to me. He can’t just turn around and dismiss what we’ve shared like it was just a casual hookup. This wasn’t some fling, to either of us. It may have started that way, with mindless passion, but we’ve shared more than that now: stripped everything away, down to our very souls, shown each other the darkest parts of ourselves, and held on, unflinching through the storm.
So why is he pushing me away?
I feel a flash of defiance shooting through my shocked haze. It pierces my doubts and insecurity, shining a bright light on the heart of the matter, right here in front of me.
Garrett’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Are you going to just give up and walk away without fighting for what’s yours?
I take a breath and spin around, retracing my steps back through the house. Garrett is sitting slumped on the bench with his head in his hands, but he straightens up in shock when I come striding out of the back door.
“Carina—”
“Give me a reason,” I say fiercely, my mind racing. “And don’t play that ‘love ’em and leave ’em’ routine with me. I know you, I know everything about you,” I insist. “So why don’t you be a man about it and admit the truth? You care about me. This matters; that’s why you’re trying to run.”
He doesn’t want you anymore.
In an instant, all my old fears and insecurities rear up, filling my head with doubts.
He’s seen through you. He knows who you are now, and he doesn’t want you anymore.
“What changed?” I ask him, fighting to keep my voice steady. “Back at the bar you couldn’t keep your hands off me, and now suddenly you’re calling it quits?”
A twisted expression flashes on Garrett’s face. “You mean before your song?”
His words have a weird weight to them, dropping like stones on the sandy porch floor between us.
“What do you…?” I pause, and it comes flooding back to me. The song: my performance, it was all just for him. Another reckless impulse of mine to lay everything out on the line, but I’d been so caught up in the thrill of performing, I didn’t think twice. The music was the most honest way I could tell him how I feel, and from the blazing connection between us that shimmered for those few moments of the song, I know he felt it too.
So why won’t he even look at you now?
“This is about my song?” Fear clenches around my heart, so I try to act casual. “Garrett, it was just a performance.”
He lifts his head and fixes me with a stark look, seeing through my lies the way he always does. “It wasn’t just a song, Carina. You were telling me how you feel.”
I flush. “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that in public, but I couldn’t help myself. I got swept up in the moment,” I add in a whisper.
“We both did.” He sighs. “It’s my fault,” Garrett says quietly. “I shouldn’t have let it go on this long. I told you, three strikes and I’m done. No mess, no fuss. Simple.” His voice is full of self-loathing, heavy and final.
“So we’re done?” I’m still reeling, I can’t believe he’s really saying this. “After everything we’ve shared with each other, what happened the other night…”
I stop, memories flooding my mind: hot and yearning, soft and sweet. He can’t say it was just fun to him, not when I felt the depth of his passion, saw all the way to his soul.
But Garrett looks away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. It was fun,” he repeats, “But you knew what you were getting into when we started this. I’m just not that kind of guy.”
He finally meets my eyes. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, and the regret in his expression finally pierces my shocked haze.
He means it. It’s over.
Something inside me shuts down. Everything in me goes numb with shock, an avalanche of failure crashing over me.
I should have known this happiness was fleeting. I should have known I didn’t deserve this kind of love.
The pain takes over me, more than I can stand. I back away, stuttering. “I didn’t…I mean, I can’t…”
But there are no words for the way I feel right now, like my happiness has been ripped in two. I feel a sob bubble up in my throat, and have to clamp my hand over my mouth.
“Goodbye,” I manage, the ache slicing through me like a knife.
Garrett’s stony expression slips. “Carina…” he starts, but I don’t wait, I turn and run back through the house, dashing down the front steps and out into the cool night air again. My failure beats around me in a crescendo of past regret, taunting me with the knowledge I’ve lost it all again.
Your father, Alexander, now Garrett, too. There’s something in you that’s unloveable, that keeps driving them all away.
I’m in the yard when something makes me stop: a compulsion I can’t explain—an instinct I won’t ignore.
Garrett.
He’s not like the others, I can’t believe it, no matter what he says.
I’m just not that kind of guy.
But he is—a good man, the best I’ve ever known. That’s what doesn’t make any sense to me. He can’t just turn around and dismiss what we’ve shared like it was just a casual hookup. This wasn’t some fling, to either of us. It may have started that way, with mindless passion, but we’ve shared more than that now: stripped everything away, down to our very souls, shown each other the darkest parts of ourselves, and held on, unflinching through the storm.
So why is he pushing me away?
I feel a flash of defiance shooting through my shocked haze. It pierces my doubts and insecurity, shining a bright light on the heart of the matter, right here in front of me.
Garrett’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Are you going to just give up and walk away without fighting for what’s yours?
I take a breath and spin around, retracing my steps back through the house. Garrett is sitting slumped on the bench with his head in his hands, but he straightens up in shock when I come striding out of the back door.
“Carina—”
“Give me a reason,” I say fiercely, my mind racing. “And don’t play that ‘love ’em and leave ’em’ routine with me. I know you, I know everything about you,” I insist. “So why don’t you be a man about it and admit the truth? You care about me. This matters; that’s why you’re trying to run.”
