Uninhibited
Page 60
I’ve never seen him look so happy, or full of love.
It should be the worst moment in my life, but instead, I feel a calm wash over me. Something unravels in my chest. The knot of hope and envy, the years of wistful pining, all focused on this one man, it comes undone; the tangle of painful heartstrings slipping free.
Enough.
He’s not meant to be mine. Perhaps he never was.
But this, right here, is meant to be.
Relief washes over me, sweet as summer rain, and I feel like crying with the sense of release. I watch Brit take her place at his side; watch them exchange a private smile. And I see in that moment how deeply they’re connected with each other. How they share a part of each other’s hearts that I never did with Hunter, not even close.
Because I understand now what it means to know a man. Really know him. Not just the easy, casual face he shows the world, friendly conversations and jokes over drinks. But his darkest secrets, his deepest fears. I’ve seen a man at his worst, most broken, and I’ve held him in my arms at his most free. I’ve looked deeply into his very soul, feeling him move inside of me; raw, and wild, and undone.
That man isn’t Hunter. He’s standing right beside me.
He’s the only one I’ve ever known. The only man who’s every truly known me.
Dex.
The realization shatters through me. I look up at him, blinking through the tears, but he’s not watching the ceremony, he’s staring down at me.
His face is drawn, his eyes clouding over, dark and tense. And I see it, clear as day. He knows the truth.
“It’s him.”
29.
Dex doesn’t say another word through the ceremony. He stands beside me, tense as granite, staring straight ahead as Hunter and Brit exchange their tender vows.
The words drift over me, a million miles away. I’m too caught up in the sick flutter of anxiety spinning in my stomach: a hot flood of humiliation and panic making my skin prickle and my legs feel weak.
He knows.
The secret I’ve been guarding for years now is let loose, written all over my face for the world to see. It’s embarrassing, but worse than that, I feel exposed; my darkest, most private hopes now stripped naked for Dex to see. To judge.
He must think I’m so pathetic, to have loved Hunter like this for so long. Anyone can see I never stood a chance, that Brit was the only one for him. Even I realize that now, but no sooner has the relief of letting him go washed through me than it’s replaced with this new panic.
What happens now?
I’ve kept everything inside for so long, but now my emotions are spilling out and I don’t know how to keep them under control. I’ve always been logical, sensible, but right now a million different feelings are crashing through me at once, and I can’t keep them straight. The Hunter chapter in my life is over, I know that without a doubt, but without that solid truth to cling to, I feel rudderless, spinning from the shore. And Dex...
Dex.
My heart clenches. All week, I’ve held tight to the safety of my unrequited love. I told myself that Hunter has my heart, even as Dex has claimed my body. I was determined to keep the two split in my mind, even as I felt my boundaries crumbling down and our connection grow. But if I’m free to love again now, what does that mean for our future?
What is Dex to me now?
A burst of cheers breaks through my thoughts. The ceremony is over now: the happy couple walk back down the aisle together, smiling and laughing with the crowd. Dex stands tensely until they’re past and there’s a rush to congratulate them on the lawn. Then he takes my arm and tugs me in the other direction, away from everyone.
I follow him around to the other side of the stables, trying to collect my thoughts. Dex’s expression is inscrutable as he strides ahead of me, and I hurry to keep pace, wondering what’s running through his mind. What he thinks of me now that he knows the truth.
Finally, he comes to a stop by the rear of the house, where the party is just a distant echo of music and laughter. We’re alone.
Dex stays turned away from me a moment. I catch my breath, my heartbeat racing in my chest. I don’t know why I’m so nervous, I haven’t done anything wrong. I told him from the start, I’d been in love with someone else.
But you didn’t say who…Or that he was still in your life like this.
“I’m right, aren’t I? It’s him.” Dex’s voice comes, ice-cold, and then he turns. My heart falls. Everything about him is screaming with tension: his arms crossed over his chest, his posture clenched tight and distanced.
“Dex…” I start.
“Your guy. The love of your life. It’s Hunter.” Dex’s words slice through me, and I see the betrayal in his eyes. “God, you must think I’m a total idiot, not to see before now.”
“No,” I protest, moving closer. “Dex—”
“All this time, I couldn’t put two and two together. Before, in the diner?” Dex starts pacing. “There I was, being all friendly to the guy. And I was the one who insisted we come here. Fuck!”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” I watch him, the knot in my chest twisting tighter. “I just didn’t think…”
“What?” Dex demands harshly.
“I didn’t think it made a difference,” I answer in a small voice.
“We’re at his fucking wedding!”
I flinch back, and right away, I see the regret in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he says, lowering his voice. He takes a deep breath, fighting to stay calm. “I just, I can’t get my head around this.”
It should be the worst moment in my life, but instead, I feel a calm wash over me. Something unravels in my chest. The knot of hope and envy, the years of wistful pining, all focused on this one man, it comes undone; the tangle of painful heartstrings slipping free.
Enough.
He’s not meant to be mine. Perhaps he never was.
But this, right here, is meant to be.
Relief washes over me, sweet as summer rain, and I feel like crying with the sense of release. I watch Brit take her place at his side; watch them exchange a private smile. And I see in that moment how deeply they’re connected with each other. How they share a part of each other’s hearts that I never did with Hunter, not even close.
Because I understand now what it means to know a man. Really know him. Not just the easy, casual face he shows the world, friendly conversations and jokes over drinks. But his darkest secrets, his deepest fears. I’ve seen a man at his worst, most broken, and I’ve held him in my arms at his most free. I’ve looked deeply into his very soul, feeling him move inside of me; raw, and wild, and undone.
That man isn’t Hunter. He’s standing right beside me.
He’s the only one I’ve ever known. The only man who’s every truly known me.
Dex.
The realization shatters through me. I look up at him, blinking through the tears, but he’s not watching the ceremony, he’s staring down at me.
His face is drawn, his eyes clouding over, dark and tense. And I see it, clear as day. He knows the truth.
“It’s him.”
29.
Dex doesn’t say another word through the ceremony. He stands beside me, tense as granite, staring straight ahead as Hunter and Brit exchange their tender vows.
The words drift over me, a million miles away. I’m too caught up in the sick flutter of anxiety spinning in my stomach: a hot flood of humiliation and panic making my skin prickle and my legs feel weak.
He knows.
The secret I’ve been guarding for years now is let loose, written all over my face for the world to see. It’s embarrassing, but worse than that, I feel exposed; my darkest, most private hopes now stripped naked for Dex to see. To judge.
He must think I’m so pathetic, to have loved Hunter like this for so long. Anyone can see I never stood a chance, that Brit was the only one for him. Even I realize that now, but no sooner has the relief of letting him go washed through me than it’s replaced with this new panic.
What happens now?
I’ve kept everything inside for so long, but now my emotions are spilling out and I don’t know how to keep them under control. I’ve always been logical, sensible, but right now a million different feelings are crashing through me at once, and I can’t keep them straight. The Hunter chapter in my life is over, I know that without a doubt, but without that solid truth to cling to, I feel rudderless, spinning from the shore. And Dex...
Dex.
My heart clenches. All week, I’ve held tight to the safety of my unrequited love. I told myself that Hunter has my heart, even as Dex has claimed my body. I was determined to keep the two split in my mind, even as I felt my boundaries crumbling down and our connection grow. But if I’m free to love again now, what does that mean for our future?
What is Dex to me now?
A burst of cheers breaks through my thoughts. The ceremony is over now: the happy couple walk back down the aisle together, smiling and laughing with the crowd. Dex stands tensely until they’re past and there’s a rush to congratulate them on the lawn. Then he takes my arm and tugs me in the other direction, away from everyone.
I follow him around to the other side of the stables, trying to collect my thoughts. Dex’s expression is inscrutable as he strides ahead of me, and I hurry to keep pace, wondering what’s running through his mind. What he thinks of me now that he knows the truth.
Finally, he comes to a stop by the rear of the house, where the party is just a distant echo of music and laughter. We’re alone.
Dex stays turned away from me a moment. I catch my breath, my heartbeat racing in my chest. I don’t know why I’m so nervous, I haven’t done anything wrong. I told him from the start, I’d been in love with someone else.
But you didn’t say who…Or that he was still in your life like this.
“I’m right, aren’t I? It’s him.” Dex’s voice comes, ice-cold, and then he turns. My heart falls. Everything about him is screaming with tension: his arms crossed over his chest, his posture clenched tight and distanced.
“Dex…” I start.
“Your guy. The love of your life. It’s Hunter.” Dex’s words slice through me, and I see the betrayal in his eyes. “God, you must think I’m a total idiot, not to see before now.”
“No,” I protest, moving closer. “Dex—”
“All this time, I couldn’t put two and two together. Before, in the diner?” Dex starts pacing. “There I was, being all friendly to the guy. And I was the one who insisted we come here. Fuck!”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” I watch him, the knot in my chest twisting tighter. “I just didn’t think…”
“What?” Dex demands harshly.
“I didn’t think it made a difference,” I answer in a small voice.
“We’re at his fucking wedding!”
I flinch back, and right away, I see the regret in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he says, lowering his voice. He takes a deep breath, fighting to stay calm. “I just, I can’t get my head around this.”
