What I Need
Page 30
“Coke.”
“Oh, Jesus,” Tessa says. She gives my arm a squeeze.
“Luke,” Ben growls.
I lift my eyes.
“Yeah, I’m on it.” Luke moves away while tugging his phone out of his pocket.
“Riley.”
I turn back to Ben. “Mm?”
“You’re not hurt? You’re all right?”
“I’m not hurt,” I reply with a quiet voice.
The pain in my chest calls me a liar.
The Emergency Room doors slide open again, and Reed and Beth walk through. Beth pulls her hand free and rushes over.
“Oh, my God,” she whispers against my ear. Her warm arms wrap around me. She’s in her pajamas. She doesn’t mind that I have blood on my shirt. “Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”
I shake my head, locking eyes with Reed when he steps up behind his wife. He looks bothered and bone-breaking angry. I never thought Reed could hate Richard any more than he already did.
I was wrong.
Ben grabs his attention and fills him in on what I just shared, while Tessa and Beth fire a million questions at me.
“Did you know he was doing drugs?”
“Whose coke was it?”
“Was he doing it at home too?”
“Are you sure you’re okay, Riley?”
I answer what I can, that I’m fine. I don’t know the answers to anything else.
“He’s being booked in Kent County,” Luke announces, returning to the group. “Drug and assault charges. You trying to go down there?”
Ben lifts his chin. “Yeah. Let’s get word on CJ first. I wanna make sure he’s all right.” Ben looks to Tessa. “Do me a favor and call Mia. She’s up. Let her know what’s going on.”
Tessa nods and takes Luke’s phone. They both move to grab a seat. Ben follows.
Beth keeps hold of my hand.
“Riley.”
I look up at Reed after he speaks. My lip trembles. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper with tears in my eyes.
He blinks, brow furrowing. “What? Why? Jesus, this wasn’t your fault. It was that fucking dickhead’s fault. Come here.”
Reed grabs the back of my neck and pulls me against him, hugging me to his chest. He holds me tight.
I hold him tighter.
“You got nothing to be sorry for, okay?” he soothes against the top of my head.
I don’t nod or say ‘okay’ back. I don’t believe him.
“Thank fuck CJ was there. Shit. You could’ve left with that asshole.”
Reed’s words don’t offer me the comfort he’s trying to give. They can’t.
My guilt is too heavy. It’s the only thing I can feel.
“You’re not hurt? You swear?” he asks.
“I swear.”
“Tully? Do I have family here for CJ Tully?”
I turn out of Reed’s hold and face the nurse who just spoke. She’s wearing surgical scrubs and holding a patient file. The rest of the group crowds at my back.
“Yeah. How is he?” Luke asks.
She smiles gently. “He’s doing fine. He’s in recovery. You’ll be able to see him in about an hour.”
A collective sigh leaves the group. Beth gives my hand a light squeeze, and I turn and look at her.
He’s okay.
“Thank fuck,” Ben says after the nurse moves away. He rakes his hands down his face, then turns to Luke. “All right. You ready?”
Luke nods. “Handle this, then we’ll come back here.” He looks to Tessa. “You stayin’, babe?”
“Yep. I want to see him.”
“We’re hanging out too,” Reed says, throwing his arm around Beth when she moves to stand beside him. “Why don’t you head home, Riley? Get some rest.”
My lips part. I look to Beth and watch her eyes soften and a frown tug at her mouth. She hears it too.
You don’t belong here with us.
CJ is their friend. Not mine. Why would I hang around? I’m not a part of their group.
I don’t belong here.
“Yeah, I probably should . . . get cleaned up,” I say, tugging at the hem of my blood-stained shirt.
Ben and Luke utter their collective “Laters” and head out. Tessa gives me a smile before she reclaims her seat near the soda machine. I hug Beth one last time, then watch her and Reed join Tessa. They turn their chairs so they’re facing each other, and wave at me as I walk past.
None of them ask me to stay. Nobody even suggests it.
I cry the entire way back to Richard’s house.
It’s been two days since the night of the concert.
Two days of walking the same hospital halls and staring at the muted paint colors. Two days of smelling antiseptic in the air.
We’ve all been here—Reed and Beth and Tessa, Ben and Luke when they weren’t working, and the boys, Nolan and Chase. Mia brought them. Everyone has been in and out of the hospital, visiting CJ.
Everyone but me.
I’ve been here, but I’ve gone unseen for the most part. I haven’t been in his room to see him. Saturday, both times that I came by and Sunday when I showed up after I was finished at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, CJ had visitors. His friends and my family or other cops that were in uniform, they gathered in his room. People who should be visiting him. People he has history with. And once I saw his company, I left.
What did I have with him? Why would I have reason to visit? I didn’t even belong in the waiting room with everyone else.
Besides not knowing if I have a reason to be in CJ’s room, I’m scared to face him. So nervous my stomach is in knots as I walk in through the main hospital entrance on my third day in a row and head for the elevators.
It’s my fault he’s in here. It’s my fault he had to have emergency surgery after lacerating his Achilles. I dragged Richard to that concert instead of letting him stay at home and because of that, CJ was hurt.
CJ was hurt and Richard is now in jail.
Not that I care about Richard anymore. I don’t. Not after what he did. Not after I found out he was high that night. But I do care about CJ. He had gotten hurt trying to get to me. He wanted to protect me from the boy I gave my heart to. I know he did. I saw his face before he was pushed through that window. He tried to protect me and I got him hurt.
I did this. This is all my fault.
“Oh, Jesus,” Tessa says. She gives my arm a squeeze.
“Luke,” Ben growls.
I lift my eyes.
“Yeah, I’m on it.” Luke moves away while tugging his phone out of his pocket.
“Riley.”
I turn back to Ben. “Mm?”
“You’re not hurt? You’re all right?”
“I’m not hurt,” I reply with a quiet voice.
The pain in my chest calls me a liar.
The Emergency Room doors slide open again, and Reed and Beth walk through. Beth pulls her hand free and rushes over.
“Oh, my God,” she whispers against my ear. Her warm arms wrap around me. She’s in her pajamas. She doesn’t mind that I have blood on my shirt. “Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”
I shake my head, locking eyes with Reed when he steps up behind his wife. He looks bothered and bone-breaking angry. I never thought Reed could hate Richard any more than he already did.
I was wrong.
Ben grabs his attention and fills him in on what I just shared, while Tessa and Beth fire a million questions at me.
“Did you know he was doing drugs?”
“Whose coke was it?”
“Was he doing it at home too?”
“Are you sure you’re okay, Riley?”
I answer what I can, that I’m fine. I don’t know the answers to anything else.
“He’s being booked in Kent County,” Luke announces, returning to the group. “Drug and assault charges. You trying to go down there?”
Ben lifts his chin. “Yeah. Let’s get word on CJ first. I wanna make sure he’s all right.” Ben looks to Tessa. “Do me a favor and call Mia. She’s up. Let her know what’s going on.”
Tessa nods and takes Luke’s phone. They both move to grab a seat. Ben follows.
Beth keeps hold of my hand.
“Riley.”
I look up at Reed after he speaks. My lip trembles. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper with tears in my eyes.
He blinks, brow furrowing. “What? Why? Jesus, this wasn’t your fault. It was that fucking dickhead’s fault. Come here.”
Reed grabs the back of my neck and pulls me against him, hugging me to his chest. He holds me tight.
I hold him tighter.
“You got nothing to be sorry for, okay?” he soothes against the top of my head.
I don’t nod or say ‘okay’ back. I don’t believe him.
“Thank fuck CJ was there. Shit. You could’ve left with that asshole.”
Reed’s words don’t offer me the comfort he’s trying to give. They can’t.
My guilt is too heavy. It’s the only thing I can feel.
“You’re not hurt? You swear?” he asks.
“I swear.”
“Tully? Do I have family here for CJ Tully?”
I turn out of Reed’s hold and face the nurse who just spoke. She’s wearing surgical scrubs and holding a patient file. The rest of the group crowds at my back.
“Yeah. How is he?” Luke asks.
She smiles gently. “He’s doing fine. He’s in recovery. You’ll be able to see him in about an hour.”
A collective sigh leaves the group. Beth gives my hand a light squeeze, and I turn and look at her.
He’s okay.
“Thank fuck,” Ben says after the nurse moves away. He rakes his hands down his face, then turns to Luke. “All right. You ready?”
Luke nods. “Handle this, then we’ll come back here.” He looks to Tessa. “You stayin’, babe?”
“Yep. I want to see him.”
“We’re hanging out too,” Reed says, throwing his arm around Beth when she moves to stand beside him. “Why don’t you head home, Riley? Get some rest.”
My lips part. I look to Beth and watch her eyes soften and a frown tug at her mouth. She hears it too.
You don’t belong here with us.
CJ is their friend. Not mine. Why would I hang around? I’m not a part of their group.
I don’t belong here.
“Yeah, I probably should . . . get cleaned up,” I say, tugging at the hem of my blood-stained shirt.
Ben and Luke utter their collective “Laters” and head out. Tessa gives me a smile before she reclaims her seat near the soda machine. I hug Beth one last time, then watch her and Reed join Tessa. They turn their chairs so they’re facing each other, and wave at me as I walk past.
None of them ask me to stay. Nobody even suggests it.
I cry the entire way back to Richard’s house.
It’s been two days since the night of the concert.
Two days of walking the same hospital halls and staring at the muted paint colors. Two days of smelling antiseptic in the air.
We’ve all been here—Reed and Beth and Tessa, Ben and Luke when they weren’t working, and the boys, Nolan and Chase. Mia brought them. Everyone has been in and out of the hospital, visiting CJ.
Everyone but me.
I’ve been here, but I’ve gone unseen for the most part. I haven’t been in his room to see him. Saturday, both times that I came by and Sunday when I showed up after I was finished at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, CJ had visitors. His friends and my family or other cops that were in uniform, they gathered in his room. People who should be visiting him. People he has history with. And once I saw his company, I left.
What did I have with him? Why would I have reason to visit? I didn’t even belong in the waiting room with everyone else.
Besides not knowing if I have a reason to be in CJ’s room, I’m scared to face him. So nervous my stomach is in knots as I walk in through the main hospital entrance on my third day in a row and head for the elevators.
It’s my fault he’s in here. It’s my fault he had to have emergency surgery after lacerating his Achilles. I dragged Richard to that concert instead of letting him stay at home and because of that, CJ was hurt.
CJ was hurt and Richard is now in jail.
Not that I care about Richard anymore. I don’t. Not after what he did. Not after I found out he was high that night. But I do care about CJ. He had gotten hurt trying to get to me. He wanted to protect me from the boy I gave my heart to. I know he did. I saw his face before he was pushed through that window. He tried to protect me and I got him hurt.
I did this. This is all my fault.
