What If It's Us
Page 62
“Jesus, Arthur. You realize I spend ninety-nine percent of my time writing about wizards and playing The Sims, right?”
“I know.”
“You just have no filter, do you?”
“None.”
He kisses my cheek. “Okay, I have to go do something now.”
“Ooh, what? Is it a secret? Should I close my eyes?”
“You don’t have to close your eyes. Just hang tight. Listen to three Dear Evan Hansen songs, and I’ll be ready.”
I sit up straight, beaming. “You got it!”
But I’m barely past Zoe’s part in “Only Us” when my FaceTime app pops up with a call.
I press accept. “Hi, Mom.”
“Hi, sweetie!” She’s in the most generic-looking hotel room I’ve ever seen in my life. Stark white bedding, plush headboard, framed picture of the beach. “How did the surprise go?”
“It was great.”
“What are Ethan and Jessie like as a couple? I can’t picture it.”
“Oh, they’re the worst,” I start to say, but then my bedroom door creaks open.
And I lose the ability to speak.
Because—wow. Wow. There’s my boyfriend. Wearing only boxers. Looking straight at me like—
“You okay, sweetie?” Mom asks.
Ben’s hand flies over his mouth. He scurries back into my room, yanking the door shut behind him.
“I’ve got to go, Mom. Sorry.” I end the call before she can ask why.
When I walk into my room, my bed’s covered in heart stickers, with a line of tea lights trailing from my door. And then there’s Ben, perched in the middle of the bottom bunk, next to his laptop. “I didn’t light the candles. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to set your apartment on fire. And Duane Reade didn’t have rose petals, so I went with stickers.”
“Ben.”
“I know it looks ridiculous—”
“It’s perfect.”
“You like it?” The corners of his mouth quirk up.
“I love everything in this room,” I tell him. “Every single thing.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Ben
This morning I got to wake up next to Arthur, and I can’t believe there was almost a world where that never happened. I felt the same way last night when we were passing out with my face pressed against his shoulder, breathing in his T-shirt. And this afternoon we’re lying on our sides, shirtless, with our locked hands resting between our faces.
“We seriously don’t have to do this,” I say. “We don’t know what’s next for us and . . . It’s a big moment. You can’t take it back. It’s okay if you want to wait for someone else and—”
“You’re the only one I want to do this with, Ben. Do you want to?”
“So much.”
“Me too. I just . . . I don’t know how to . . .”
“I know.”
“I know you know. Just be patient with me.”
“Of course.” If Arthur psyches himself out like last time, I’ll be cool with it. I just never want him to feel uncomfortable. I kiss his knuckles. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
We get going and we go slow. I want this to be the unforgettable experience Arthur has been dreaming of for who knows how long. And it’s a different kind of first time for me. Arthur is a completely different boy, and we’re in a completely different bed. This apartment isn’t home for either of us, but we’re home to each other, and that’s what makes every wall fall away so I only focus on him. I really want this to last as long as possible for him. No one starts a movie and immediately wants to see the credits rolling, so when this is over, I hope he looks back on this and considers it a win.
The pressure is getting to me. I can’t ruin this for him.
I snap out of it. It’s nonsense. Arthur and I have never done anything that’s perfect. Perfect for us, yeah. But not on paper. And I know his thoughts are extra busy with his own concerns, especially after some technical difficulties slow us down, and we get through everything together with patience and reassuring smiles.
I kiss him and I call him beautiful and I tell him I love him and we go on past that finish line.
We laugh and we catch our breaths and we peel stickers off each other.
No do-over needed.
Monday, August 6
My birthday—April 7—was the last time my group chat with Dylan, Harriett, and Hudson was active. I had sent out a text seeing if everyone wanted to meet up for lunch before Hudson took me to the concert. Harriett texted me and Hudson separately because she literally couldn’t stand the idea of her text bubble even being near Dylan’s, so the three of us grabbed breakfast. Dylan didn’t want any drama anyway, so I just met up with him at his place and he cooked me cauliflower tacos and we played video games, just the two of us. And then Hudson and I went off to do our own thing, and I couldn’t even vent about how disappointing a day it had been because his own spirits were really low from his parents’ divorce earlier that week. I really wish I would’ve been enough to unite everyone the way Arthur was able to do on his birthday, but that’s in the past now. Different times.
After I got home from hanging with Arthur last night, I resurrected the group chat. Just told everyone I wanted to meet up after class today to see if we could talk things out. I put it out into the universe—with a GIF of Puss in Boots begging with his huge glassy eyes. Dylan responded with a GIF of SpongeBob giving two thumbs up and said he’ll be there. An hour later Harriett responded with an “As you wish” GIF from The Princess Bride. And a few minutes after that, Hudson sent a GIF of Stewie Griffin bouncing around in anticipation.
The air was different in class this morning. No more weirdness. Like Hudson and Harriett are going to be my friends again and not just because they were the only people I could turn to after messing things up with Arthur, Dylan, and Samantha.
Everyone’s willingness was enough to make me feel super hopeful about everything in life until Mr. Hayes handed me back a quiz where I got a C-plus. I was so sure I was going to score an A-minus or a B-plus. The exam that determines everything is tomorrow—same day Arthur leaves. I just . . . I don’t have the hang of this, and I was ready to break down and cry, so I texted Arthur. We’re canceling our plans to run around the city so Arthur can be a Super Tourist, and he’s just going to help me study instead. I’d be surprised if we get any studying done—too many reasons to not keep our hands off each other and one big talk we need to have. One we’ve been avoiding.
But one big talk at a time.
When we get out of class, I keep the conversation about grades as we walk over to Dream & Bean. Harriett and Hudson fared better than me, as I knew they would. It’s weird how everything could fall back into place with our squad and Harriett, Hudson, and Dylan might be moving on to senior year without me. Graduating without me. Going to college without me. I’ll always be one year behind them in life.
I have to kick this test’s ass tomorrow.
We get to Dream & Bean, and Dylan is seated in a corner with four drinks and a box at his feet.
“These aren’t all for you, right?” I ask as I sit next to him.
Harriett sits across from me and Hudson across from Dylan.
“Peace offerings,” Dylan says. He gives me a pink lemonade, Hudson an iced mocha, and Harriett a cappuccino with caramel drizzle. “The barista drew a cat that you could’ve Instagrammed, but it got messed up.”
“I know.”
“You just have no filter, do you?”
“None.”
He kisses my cheek. “Okay, I have to go do something now.”
“Ooh, what? Is it a secret? Should I close my eyes?”
“You don’t have to close your eyes. Just hang tight. Listen to three Dear Evan Hansen songs, and I’ll be ready.”
I sit up straight, beaming. “You got it!”
But I’m barely past Zoe’s part in “Only Us” when my FaceTime app pops up with a call.
I press accept. “Hi, Mom.”
“Hi, sweetie!” She’s in the most generic-looking hotel room I’ve ever seen in my life. Stark white bedding, plush headboard, framed picture of the beach. “How did the surprise go?”
“It was great.”
“What are Ethan and Jessie like as a couple? I can’t picture it.”
“Oh, they’re the worst,” I start to say, but then my bedroom door creaks open.
And I lose the ability to speak.
Because—wow. Wow. There’s my boyfriend. Wearing only boxers. Looking straight at me like—
“You okay, sweetie?” Mom asks.
Ben’s hand flies over his mouth. He scurries back into my room, yanking the door shut behind him.
“I’ve got to go, Mom. Sorry.” I end the call before she can ask why.
When I walk into my room, my bed’s covered in heart stickers, with a line of tea lights trailing from my door. And then there’s Ben, perched in the middle of the bottom bunk, next to his laptop. “I didn’t light the candles. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to set your apartment on fire. And Duane Reade didn’t have rose petals, so I went with stickers.”
“Ben.”
“I know it looks ridiculous—”
“It’s perfect.”
“You like it?” The corners of his mouth quirk up.
“I love everything in this room,” I tell him. “Every single thing.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Ben
This morning I got to wake up next to Arthur, and I can’t believe there was almost a world where that never happened. I felt the same way last night when we were passing out with my face pressed against his shoulder, breathing in his T-shirt. And this afternoon we’re lying on our sides, shirtless, with our locked hands resting between our faces.
“We seriously don’t have to do this,” I say. “We don’t know what’s next for us and . . . It’s a big moment. You can’t take it back. It’s okay if you want to wait for someone else and—”
“You’re the only one I want to do this with, Ben. Do you want to?”
“So much.”
“Me too. I just . . . I don’t know how to . . .”
“I know.”
“I know you know. Just be patient with me.”
“Of course.” If Arthur psyches himself out like last time, I’ll be cool with it. I just never want him to feel uncomfortable. I kiss his knuckles. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
We get going and we go slow. I want this to be the unforgettable experience Arthur has been dreaming of for who knows how long. And it’s a different kind of first time for me. Arthur is a completely different boy, and we’re in a completely different bed. This apartment isn’t home for either of us, but we’re home to each other, and that’s what makes every wall fall away so I only focus on him. I really want this to last as long as possible for him. No one starts a movie and immediately wants to see the credits rolling, so when this is over, I hope he looks back on this and considers it a win.
The pressure is getting to me. I can’t ruin this for him.
I snap out of it. It’s nonsense. Arthur and I have never done anything that’s perfect. Perfect for us, yeah. But not on paper. And I know his thoughts are extra busy with his own concerns, especially after some technical difficulties slow us down, and we get through everything together with patience and reassuring smiles.
I kiss him and I call him beautiful and I tell him I love him and we go on past that finish line.
We laugh and we catch our breaths and we peel stickers off each other.
No do-over needed.
Monday, August 6
My birthday—April 7—was the last time my group chat with Dylan, Harriett, and Hudson was active. I had sent out a text seeing if everyone wanted to meet up for lunch before Hudson took me to the concert. Harriett texted me and Hudson separately because she literally couldn’t stand the idea of her text bubble even being near Dylan’s, so the three of us grabbed breakfast. Dylan didn’t want any drama anyway, so I just met up with him at his place and he cooked me cauliflower tacos and we played video games, just the two of us. And then Hudson and I went off to do our own thing, and I couldn’t even vent about how disappointing a day it had been because his own spirits were really low from his parents’ divorce earlier that week. I really wish I would’ve been enough to unite everyone the way Arthur was able to do on his birthday, but that’s in the past now. Different times.
After I got home from hanging with Arthur last night, I resurrected the group chat. Just told everyone I wanted to meet up after class today to see if we could talk things out. I put it out into the universe—with a GIF of Puss in Boots begging with his huge glassy eyes. Dylan responded with a GIF of SpongeBob giving two thumbs up and said he’ll be there. An hour later Harriett responded with an “As you wish” GIF from The Princess Bride. And a few minutes after that, Hudson sent a GIF of Stewie Griffin bouncing around in anticipation.
The air was different in class this morning. No more weirdness. Like Hudson and Harriett are going to be my friends again and not just because they were the only people I could turn to after messing things up with Arthur, Dylan, and Samantha.
Everyone’s willingness was enough to make me feel super hopeful about everything in life until Mr. Hayes handed me back a quiz where I got a C-plus. I was so sure I was going to score an A-minus or a B-plus. The exam that determines everything is tomorrow—same day Arthur leaves. I just . . . I don’t have the hang of this, and I was ready to break down and cry, so I texted Arthur. We’re canceling our plans to run around the city so Arthur can be a Super Tourist, and he’s just going to help me study instead. I’d be surprised if we get any studying done—too many reasons to not keep our hands off each other and one big talk we need to have. One we’ve been avoiding.
But one big talk at a time.
When we get out of class, I keep the conversation about grades as we walk over to Dream & Bean. Harriett and Hudson fared better than me, as I knew they would. It’s weird how everything could fall back into place with our squad and Harriett, Hudson, and Dylan might be moving on to senior year without me. Graduating without me. Going to college without me. I’ll always be one year behind them in life.
I have to kick this test’s ass tomorrow.
We get to Dream & Bean, and Dylan is seated in a corner with four drinks and a box at his feet.
“These aren’t all for you, right?” I ask as I sit next to him.
Harriett sits across from me and Hudson across from Dylan.
“Peace offerings,” Dylan says. He gives me a pink lemonade, Hudson an iced mocha, and Harriett a cappuccino with caramel drizzle. “The barista drew a cat that you could’ve Instagrammed, but it got messed up.”
