What If It's Us
Page 63
“Thought that counts. Thanks.” Harriett takes a sip. “So how are you feeling?”
“Been okay. Summer has been pretty slow. I did start seeing someone—”
“That’s wonderful, but I’m talking about you being admitted to the hospital,” Harriett interrupts. “Not your summer. You seem physically okay. What happened? Panic attack?”
“Yup. I’m okay.”
“Good,” Hudson says. “I wanted to text yesterday, but it didn’t feel like my place.”
“What do you mean?” Dylan asks.
“Ask him,” Hudson says, pointing at me.
“Because I didn’t let you go with me to the hospital? It didn’t make sense.”
“I have love for him too,” Hudson says. “He’s not just your friend.”
Dylan props his face into his hands. “Are you guys about to fight over me?”
I glare at Dylan. “I know you love him too. But you never even tried to be his friend after we broke up.”
“Your friend game went down before you guys broke up too,” Dylan says.
Hudson is blushing.
“So you’re ganging up on him,” Harriett says.
I call time-out with my hands. “No ganging up. I know you guys have your loyalty to each other and we have our own. But this is keeping us apart.” I take a deep breath. “Look, this has to be weird before it gets better. I know it’s awkward, but I’m glad we’re doing this.”
“What exactly are we doing?” Hudson asks. “What’s the point of all of this? A group hug? Instagram refollows?”
“For starters, yeah,” I say. “I want us to try and hit the reset button. Get a do-over. You’re both really important to us, and you’re obviously not here just for fun. You want to make this right too.”
Harriett stares at her cappuccino. “You’ve never been to the hospital for a panic attack, Dylan. I was freaking out, but I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be there. All because my ego refused to let me trust you with any relationship, not even friendship, after the way you dropped me out of nowhere.”
“I’m really sorry,” Dylan says. “I just didn’t want to waste your time.”
“I get that. I guess I’m grateful for it in retrospect. It still messed with my head. But no matter how angry I was, when I thought the worst was happening to you, I really wanted to be by your side like old times.” Harriett stares into his eyes and then mine. “I don’t think I would’ve been open to this conversation if I didn’t lose sleep over all of this on Saturday.”
“Wow, you lost sleep over me?” Dylan asks. “You love sleep.”
“Precious beauty sleep over you,” Harriett says.
“It means the world to me.” Dylan places a hand on his heart. “I’m no longer the odd man out. Between you three reconnecting when Ben and I weren’t talking and all the hanging out in summer school, you guys had me wishing I failed chemistry too.”
“D, enough with the summer school jabs, okay?”
“Whoa.” He leans in and lowers his voice. “We’re on the same team here.”
“No teams. The only team is the one we’re all trying to be on again.” I rap my knuckles against the table. “It’s just been a day. Almost failed a quiz, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail tomorrow. I just need support from you.”
“Sorry, Big B. You know I’m just joking.”
“Time and a place. I could probably stand a summer school joke once I come out on the other side of this. If I pass. Not looking likely. Pretty sure I’m going to be repeating junior year in a different school. No you and no you and no you.” I almost add Arthur won’t be there either, but Arthur not being around for school or anything is a bigger problem eating away at me. “I’m going to be the actual odd man out who gets left out and forgotten.”
Dylan grabs my hand. “Big Ben, if you get left back and kicked out, I would transfer to your new school. You know I’m not messing around.”
I squeeze his hand back. No matter the outcome with Hudson and Harriett, I know Dylan will be in my life forever. It’s the kind of comforting thought I need on the eve of Arthur leaving. “No coming to my new school if you’re going to make fun of me for getting left back.”
“Deal.” He turns to Hudson. “Okay. So I went to war against Harriett and Ben. You got any complaints or can we get our group hug on?”
“We’re good,” Hudson says. “I want to talk to Ben though.”
“Same,” I say.
“Have at it,” Dylan says. Waiting.
“We should give them some space,” Harriett says.
“Why? We aired out our business in front of them.”
Harriett gets up. “Come buy me a hot cappuccino and tell me about this new girlfriend.”
Dylan follows, always ready to talk about Samantha. I can’t believe I’m watching Dylan and Harriett walk off together like they don’t have this history of not speaking for the past four months.
I slide across the bench so I’m face-to-face with Hudson. “So. Good start, right?”
“For the group, yeah,” Hudson says. “I’m sorry I tried kissing you. I shouldn’t have jumped on you like that. Some wires got crossed.”
“Yeah, you thought I wanted to get back together.”
“Not just that. Talking about my own wires. I don’t think I wanted us to bounce back as boyfriends, I was just confused because . . . my parents weren’t the only ones who made me believe in love. You’re my first, and I wanted to feel that specialness again. But I think we’re better friends than we were boyfriends and that’s how we should keep it. You’re so hard on yourself, so I almost didn’t even want to tell you this because I never want to make you feel worthless again. But I have to air this out so you can trust I’m ready to be friends again. You’re important to me, and we shouldn’t have messed with our friendship in the first place.”
“I’m really glad we did, Hudson. D and I were talking about this last night. I don’t regret us dating, and I wouldn’t throw any of it away. Literally.” I bring out the box from underneath the table. “Everything in here reminds me of when you didn’t think love was total bullshit. Do whatever you want with it, obviously. But if you want to toss it, maybe it’ll help if you look through it again? You’re one of the kindest people out there. I wouldn’t have been so heartbroken about us not working out if falling for you wasn’t so awesome in the first place.”
Hudson slides the box closer to him. “That means a lot, Ben. Thanks.” He taps the box. Deep breath. “So what are you going to do about Arthur?”
“I’m not sure. I get that it doesn’t make sense because he leaves tomorrow, but . . . I think there’s something more to us. I should head out and go see him.”
“You should definitely do that.”
I look into Hudson’s eyes, and I know he’s not only rooting for my love, but he’s aching for the heartbreak that may be coming my way.
I hail Dylan and Harriett back over. We tell them we’re all good. No jokes are cracked. They don’t ask questions about us just like we don’t ask if they really just talked about Samantha or if the conversation revolved around them. Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean we’re entitled to one another’s private moments.
“Been okay. Summer has been pretty slow. I did start seeing someone—”
“That’s wonderful, but I’m talking about you being admitted to the hospital,” Harriett interrupts. “Not your summer. You seem physically okay. What happened? Panic attack?”
“Yup. I’m okay.”
“Good,” Hudson says. “I wanted to text yesterday, but it didn’t feel like my place.”
“What do you mean?” Dylan asks.
“Ask him,” Hudson says, pointing at me.
“Because I didn’t let you go with me to the hospital? It didn’t make sense.”
“I have love for him too,” Hudson says. “He’s not just your friend.”
Dylan props his face into his hands. “Are you guys about to fight over me?”
I glare at Dylan. “I know you love him too. But you never even tried to be his friend after we broke up.”
“Your friend game went down before you guys broke up too,” Dylan says.
Hudson is blushing.
“So you’re ganging up on him,” Harriett says.
I call time-out with my hands. “No ganging up. I know you guys have your loyalty to each other and we have our own. But this is keeping us apart.” I take a deep breath. “Look, this has to be weird before it gets better. I know it’s awkward, but I’m glad we’re doing this.”
“What exactly are we doing?” Hudson asks. “What’s the point of all of this? A group hug? Instagram refollows?”
“For starters, yeah,” I say. “I want us to try and hit the reset button. Get a do-over. You’re both really important to us, and you’re obviously not here just for fun. You want to make this right too.”
Harriett stares at her cappuccino. “You’ve never been to the hospital for a panic attack, Dylan. I was freaking out, but I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be there. All because my ego refused to let me trust you with any relationship, not even friendship, after the way you dropped me out of nowhere.”
“I’m really sorry,” Dylan says. “I just didn’t want to waste your time.”
“I get that. I guess I’m grateful for it in retrospect. It still messed with my head. But no matter how angry I was, when I thought the worst was happening to you, I really wanted to be by your side like old times.” Harriett stares into his eyes and then mine. “I don’t think I would’ve been open to this conversation if I didn’t lose sleep over all of this on Saturday.”
“Wow, you lost sleep over me?” Dylan asks. “You love sleep.”
“Precious beauty sleep over you,” Harriett says.
“It means the world to me.” Dylan places a hand on his heart. “I’m no longer the odd man out. Between you three reconnecting when Ben and I weren’t talking and all the hanging out in summer school, you guys had me wishing I failed chemistry too.”
“D, enough with the summer school jabs, okay?”
“Whoa.” He leans in and lowers his voice. “We’re on the same team here.”
“No teams. The only team is the one we’re all trying to be on again.” I rap my knuckles against the table. “It’s just been a day. Almost failed a quiz, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail tomorrow. I just need support from you.”
“Sorry, Big B. You know I’m just joking.”
“Time and a place. I could probably stand a summer school joke once I come out on the other side of this. If I pass. Not looking likely. Pretty sure I’m going to be repeating junior year in a different school. No you and no you and no you.” I almost add Arthur won’t be there either, but Arthur not being around for school or anything is a bigger problem eating away at me. “I’m going to be the actual odd man out who gets left out and forgotten.”
Dylan grabs my hand. “Big Ben, if you get left back and kicked out, I would transfer to your new school. You know I’m not messing around.”
I squeeze his hand back. No matter the outcome with Hudson and Harriett, I know Dylan will be in my life forever. It’s the kind of comforting thought I need on the eve of Arthur leaving. “No coming to my new school if you’re going to make fun of me for getting left back.”
“Deal.” He turns to Hudson. “Okay. So I went to war against Harriett and Ben. You got any complaints or can we get our group hug on?”
“We’re good,” Hudson says. “I want to talk to Ben though.”
“Same,” I say.
“Have at it,” Dylan says. Waiting.
“We should give them some space,” Harriett says.
“Why? We aired out our business in front of them.”
Harriett gets up. “Come buy me a hot cappuccino and tell me about this new girlfriend.”
Dylan follows, always ready to talk about Samantha. I can’t believe I’m watching Dylan and Harriett walk off together like they don’t have this history of not speaking for the past four months.
I slide across the bench so I’m face-to-face with Hudson. “So. Good start, right?”
“For the group, yeah,” Hudson says. “I’m sorry I tried kissing you. I shouldn’t have jumped on you like that. Some wires got crossed.”
“Yeah, you thought I wanted to get back together.”
“Not just that. Talking about my own wires. I don’t think I wanted us to bounce back as boyfriends, I was just confused because . . . my parents weren’t the only ones who made me believe in love. You’re my first, and I wanted to feel that specialness again. But I think we’re better friends than we were boyfriends and that’s how we should keep it. You’re so hard on yourself, so I almost didn’t even want to tell you this because I never want to make you feel worthless again. But I have to air this out so you can trust I’m ready to be friends again. You’re important to me, and we shouldn’t have messed with our friendship in the first place.”
“I’m really glad we did, Hudson. D and I were talking about this last night. I don’t regret us dating, and I wouldn’t throw any of it away. Literally.” I bring out the box from underneath the table. “Everything in here reminds me of when you didn’t think love was total bullshit. Do whatever you want with it, obviously. But if you want to toss it, maybe it’ll help if you look through it again? You’re one of the kindest people out there. I wouldn’t have been so heartbroken about us not working out if falling for you wasn’t so awesome in the first place.”
Hudson slides the box closer to him. “That means a lot, Ben. Thanks.” He taps the box. Deep breath. “So what are you going to do about Arthur?”
“I’m not sure. I get that it doesn’t make sense because he leaves tomorrow, but . . . I think there’s something more to us. I should head out and go see him.”
“You should definitely do that.”
I look into Hudson’s eyes, and I know he’s not only rooting for my love, but he’s aching for the heartbreak that may be coming my way.
I hail Dylan and Harriett back over. We tell them we’re all good. No jokes are cracked. They don’t ask questions about us just like we don’t ask if they really just talked about Samantha or if the conversation revolved around them. Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean we’re entitled to one another’s private moments.
