White Trash Beautiful
Page 12
“Get off the phone,” a woman called from the other end of the line.
My heart caught in my throat and I hung up the phone and covered my mouth with my hands. It felt as if I had just been punched in the stomach. I knew better. I f**king knew better than to believe this guy had given a second thought about me. I could feel my eyes well with tears as I struggled to swallow my emotions down. He was no one for me to cry over. I barely knew him. I put my head against the blue box surrounding the phone, hating myself.
The phone rang and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I stared at it in disbelief.
I picked it up and slowly raised it to my ear.
“Cass? Cass, are you there?” He sounded as panicked as I felt.
“Yeah.” My voice was barely audible. I cleared my throat to try to speak again. “I’m here.”
He sighed heavily in my ear. “Thank God. I’m sorry. That wasn’t what you think.”
“It doesn’t matter what I think.” I shook my head. I was being stupid. There was no reason for Tucker not to be able to do what he wanted with whomever he wanted.
“It matters to me, sweetheart.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. No one had ever cared about my thoughts, my feelings. At least not since I was a little girl—not since Jackson had changed. In fact, it seemed the people I cared about the most only went out of their way to hurt me.
“Cass?”
I took a deep breath. “I’m here.”
“She was here with the guys. They’ve been driving me crazy trying to get me to party with them, but I was trying to sleep.” I heard him yawn.
I felt terrible. I assumed the worst of him. I always did. It was my way to keep from getting hurt. You will never be disappointed if you don’t have high expectations. I’d learned that lesson long ago.
“Did you get the package?”
“Yeah . . . yeah . . . The dress is . . . beautiful. Thank you. But I can’t take your money, Tucker.” I dug my teeth into my bottom lip as I twisted the phone cord around my fingers.
“I know you could pay for it, but that wouldn’t be fair. I invited you. You’re my guest. It wouldn’t be right for you to pay for the trip.”
What he said made sense. I had assumed the worst again. He was just trying to do the right thing. I nodded to myself as I untangled my fingers from the cord and fidgeted with my locket. Just talking to him made me feel like a completely different person.
He yawned again.
“I’ll let you get your rest.”
“Will you be there tomorrow? I’d really like to see you again.”
“I’ll be there.” I was beaming and had to turn the other way as people filed out of the Laundromat and passed me.
“Bye, Cass.”
“Bye,” I whispered into the receiver, and waited for the click on the other end before hanging up.
I tucked my locket into my shirt, making sure to conceal it before heading back inside to finish my laundry.
I switched my clothes over to a dryer and sat down on one of the long wooden benches that lined the far wall. I focused on the television mounted in the corner of the room. The local news was playing but I couldn’t focus too much on anything they were saying. A hurricane was forming off the coast and they expected it to make landfall next week, but the weather was the last thing on my mind. I grabbed the magazine and flipped through the pages. One dog-eared page was titled, “Doing Damage.” I stared at a picture of Tucker with his arm around a leggy brunette, flanked by his band members. His other hand was grabbing her thigh and pulling it around his hip.
If you haven’t heard of Damaged, you soon will. The small Tennessee band has been rising in the charts and the hearts of women across America. One such lucky woman reveals all, from late-night partying to whether or not Tucker White is as smooth in the bedroom as he is on the stage.
“Hey, Cass.”
I snapped out of my daze and locked eyes with Tom Fullerton. He was as well-known among the users in our area as among the local cops. He had a drug habit and a nasty pattern of stealing. My hand shot to my chest to make certain my necklace was hidden from view. He looked rough. He wore a red polo shirt, untucked and wrinkled. His jeans were filthy and torn, and I was certain he didn’t pay extra to make them look that way. His under-eye circles were so dark and purple it looked as if he had been on the losing end of a boxing match. His hair was an overgrown, black, greasy mess. His eyes looked dead.
“Hello?” He waved with irritation. “Can you f**king hear me?”
“Yes,” I snapped, turning my eyes back to his.
He smiled and wobbled on his feet. “What brings you out so late all by yourself?” He ran his hand over his jaw and his eyes raked over my body.
I glanced around the Laundromat, biting my tongue to keep myself from giving him a smart-ass reply. “Laundry,” I said flatly.
He chuckled a little, amused by my response. He leaned over me, the smell of mildew and alcohol assaulting my senses. “You let Jax know I said hi.” His eyes grew serious. “I’ll be seeing him soon.” The smile flashed across his face again and he turned and left. The door slammed behind him and I let out the breath I was holding.
I glanced around the room. Three other people remained in the room, but none of them looked in my direction. They didn’t want to get involved in any trouble. Fucking cowards.
I shoved off the bench in a huff and checked my laundry. The clothes were slightly damp and I slammed the door, letting the cycle finish. I just wanted to go home and sleep. Tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough. I was becoming addicted to running away from my life.
Getting a taste for what life was like outside this godforsaken place only made me want to escape even more. I hated having to babysit my mother and living in constant fear that I would say the wrong thing to Jax and be forced to endure the brunt of his anger.
My life had become a precarious balancing act of trying to survive financially and survive the beatings. It was hard to believe that Jax was once the boy who made me happy. He’d been my knight on a white horse.
“You have to flick your wrist. Like this.” Jackson’s arms looped around my waist as he put his hands over mine, steadying the fishing rod. I giggled and leaned back against his chest, feeling safe in his arms. He was only sixteen but he seemed to have everything figured out.
“It’s no use. I’m never gonna catch anything on this damn thread.” I slumped, ready to give up.
Jax lifted the rod and forced me to stay put and try again. “You’re never gonna catch shit if you don’t even try.” His arms drew back with mine as we cast the line again. Water rippled around the bobber as it bounced on top of the water.
“I appreciate you taking the time to teach me this. Maybe one day we can run away together, live off the land, start a new life. We could be whoever we want.”
“I wouldn’t want to be anyone else right now, Cass.” He kissed my neck from behind, causing me to shiver.
“I’m serious. Haven’t you ever wanted to just start your life over? You could be anyone you wanted.”
“No, Cass.” His voice grew irritated. “There’s nothing wrong with who we are.”
Just then, the rod bowed in our hands and I screamed as it nearly ripped from our fingers.
“We got one!” Jax was more excited than I had ever seen him. His fingers worked quickly to wind up the line. A fish sprang from the water and dangled in the air.
“My hero!” I turned and kissed Jax on the cheek.
I wiped a wayward tear from my cheek and quickly glanced around to make sure no one was watching me. The fairy tales we were told as children were all lies.
For a while, I clung to the dream, but drugs quickly destroyed it. I even fantasized that my knight was still out there somewhere and just hadn’t found me yet, leaving my fairy tale still unfinished. I laughed at the absurdity of it.
“I’m home.” I flung my purse on the counter and pulled open the fridge, practically starving after my shift at the diner.
“Babe, I was thinking we could go fishing like we used to.” Jax appeared from the hall holding a fishing pole and wearing a floppy green fishing hat.
I giggled at how silly he looked in only a T-shirt and boxers. “You might want to put some pants on first.”
He looked down at himself before his eyes fixated on me and he smiled. “Deal.”
I grabbed a yogurt from the fridge and ate it quickly while I waited for him to get dressed. I couldn’t wipe the goofy smile off my face. I missed having carefree moments like this with Jax. I was always so busy with work it seemed as if we hardly got to spend any time together.
“I’m not gonna wait all night. It’s gonna get dark soon!” I waited for a reply but none came. Worried, I threw my trash away and headed down the hall and found Jackson slumped on the floor.
“Jax?” I pushed on his shoulder and he startled awake. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I looked down at his lap and picked up a small baggie. “What is this?”
“Just sampling the product.” His eyes looked empty.
I dropped the baggie back onto his lap and ran from the room, thinking if I ran fast enough, I could escape my problems. Unfortunately, they always seemed to find me.
My thoughts went to Tucker, but I quickly pushed him to the back of my mind. He felt pity for me, nothing more. No one ever did, and I shouldn’t expect anything different from him just because he was some sort of rock star. I had to convince myself of that. If my world was going to change, it was going to be because of me and me alone. No one was going to give me any handouts. I needed to work harder and make my dream of owning my own home a reality. It was possible to make something of your life from nothing, and I was hell-bent on proving it.
The dryer buzzed and I quickly grabbed my basket and pulled the contents out of the hot machine. I folded everything as fast as possible, making sure to hide my white dress with purple flowers in the middle of a stack.
I would never be able to explain where the dresses came from if Jax found them.
Glancing up at the clock, I realized it was late enough now that he and Mom should be passed out. I smiled and made my way back across the dusty roads to my trailer.
The concert, the beach, and Tucker were only a few hours away now. He might not be my savior, but for now he could at least be my escape, my fantasy.
Propping the basket on my hip, I opened the trailer door and listened for any signs of life inside. There was nothing but the sound of the television in the living room. I sighed and traipsed down the hall, ready to call it a night.
“Fuck,” I cursed under my breath at the sound of water sloshing around in the bucket that sat in the middle of the hall as I smashed into it with my knee. That brought me back to reality quickly.
I tossed the basket on my bedroom floor and peeled off my clothes, then collapsed on my bed.
Chapter Twelve
I WANTED TO SLEEP the entire day away, but I was too excited. I stretched and pulled myself from my warm bed. It was nearly lunchtime.
I hadn’t been to the ocean since I was a kid and wondered if it would be everything I remembered. Making sure the house was silent, I slid off my bed and rummaged through my closet. I pulled out the plain cardboard box and held it to my chest.
Would it really hurt to let my mind get caught up in a fantasy? I slid the box back into the closet. I knew it would hurt. It was going to crush me when I woke from this dream. I stood and rubbed the head of my teddy bear. I carefully unhooked my necklace and tucked it inside for safekeeping.
I slipped out of my bedroom to take a quick shower. The water was freezing and I was forced not to linger as long as I would have liked. This day was going to drag on forever.
I then stood in front of the bathroom mirror, examining my bruises. My arm had a yellowish-green ring around it. It was still tender to the touch but not nearly as sensitive as it had been the day before.
“Cass! I’m hungry,” Jax grumbled as he rapped on the door. I jumped and grabbed my towel, securing it tightly around my chest.
“Okay,” I yelled back, trying not to let my voice shake. I gave myself one last glance before opening the door and sliding by him. “Just let me get dressed and I’ll find you something.” I tried to close my bedroom door behind me, but his hand caught it and held it open. I glanced over my shoulder, trying to avoid his eyes.
“No hurry.” His eyes traveled down my body as he reached out and tugged on the corner of my towel.
I pulled back from him and smiled weakly. “It’s a bad time of the month.”
His eyes narrowed and he let out a small laugh. “I’m not touching that.” He put his hands up and walked away.
I sighed and slammed the door, letting my back fall against it. My lies where piling up, and if I wasn’t careful, the house of cards I was building would fall.
I searched my laundry basket and picked a green tank top and a pair of cutoff jean shorts. I avoided the magazine, not wanting to destroy the image I had built of Tucker in my mind. I wanted to know more about the girl and if she had meant anything to him, but I wasn’t sure I would like the answer. I slipped on a pair of panties and slid my clothes on over them.
“Cass,” Jax yelled from down the hall.
I ran the brush through my hair quickly and hurried out to the kitchen.
The cupboards were practically bare. “Tuna?” I asked, holding up two cans.
He waved his hand dismissively. “Whatever.”
I grabbed the mayonnaise from the fridge and quickly prepared our food. There wasn’t any bread, so I grabbed a pack of saltines to eat it with.
I took our bowls into the living room and held his out for him. He grabbed his, and as I turned to go sit on the recliner, he reached out and captured my wrist. I turned back quickly, waiting for him to scream or swing at me.
My heart caught in my throat and I hung up the phone and covered my mouth with my hands. It felt as if I had just been punched in the stomach. I knew better. I f**king knew better than to believe this guy had given a second thought about me. I could feel my eyes well with tears as I struggled to swallow my emotions down. He was no one for me to cry over. I barely knew him. I put my head against the blue box surrounding the phone, hating myself.
The phone rang and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I stared at it in disbelief.
I picked it up and slowly raised it to my ear.
“Cass? Cass, are you there?” He sounded as panicked as I felt.
“Yeah.” My voice was barely audible. I cleared my throat to try to speak again. “I’m here.”
He sighed heavily in my ear. “Thank God. I’m sorry. That wasn’t what you think.”
“It doesn’t matter what I think.” I shook my head. I was being stupid. There was no reason for Tucker not to be able to do what he wanted with whomever he wanted.
“It matters to me, sweetheart.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. No one had ever cared about my thoughts, my feelings. At least not since I was a little girl—not since Jackson had changed. In fact, it seemed the people I cared about the most only went out of their way to hurt me.
“Cass?”
I took a deep breath. “I’m here.”
“She was here with the guys. They’ve been driving me crazy trying to get me to party with them, but I was trying to sleep.” I heard him yawn.
I felt terrible. I assumed the worst of him. I always did. It was my way to keep from getting hurt. You will never be disappointed if you don’t have high expectations. I’d learned that lesson long ago.
“Did you get the package?”
“Yeah . . . yeah . . . The dress is . . . beautiful. Thank you. But I can’t take your money, Tucker.” I dug my teeth into my bottom lip as I twisted the phone cord around my fingers.
“I know you could pay for it, but that wouldn’t be fair. I invited you. You’re my guest. It wouldn’t be right for you to pay for the trip.”
What he said made sense. I had assumed the worst again. He was just trying to do the right thing. I nodded to myself as I untangled my fingers from the cord and fidgeted with my locket. Just talking to him made me feel like a completely different person.
He yawned again.
“I’ll let you get your rest.”
“Will you be there tomorrow? I’d really like to see you again.”
“I’ll be there.” I was beaming and had to turn the other way as people filed out of the Laundromat and passed me.
“Bye, Cass.”
“Bye,” I whispered into the receiver, and waited for the click on the other end before hanging up.
I tucked my locket into my shirt, making sure to conceal it before heading back inside to finish my laundry.
I switched my clothes over to a dryer and sat down on one of the long wooden benches that lined the far wall. I focused on the television mounted in the corner of the room. The local news was playing but I couldn’t focus too much on anything they were saying. A hurricane was forming off the coast and they expected it to make landfall next week, but the weather was the last thing on my mind. I grabbed the magazine and flipped through the pages. One dog-eared page was titled, “Doing Damage.” I stared at a picture of Tucker with his arm around a leggy brunette, flanked by his band members. His other hand was grabbing her thigh and pulling it around his hip.
If you haven’t heard of Damaged, you soon will. The small Tennessee band has been rising in the charts and the hearts of women across America. One such lucky woman reveals all, from late-night partying to whether or not Tucker White is as smooth in the bedroom as he is on the stage.
“Hey, Cass.”
I snapped out of my daze and locked eyes with Tom Fullerton. He was as well-known among the users in our area as among the local cops. He had a drug habit and a nasty pattern of stealing. My hand shot to my chest to make certain my necklace was hidden from view. He looked rough. He wore a red polo shirt, untucked and wrinkled. His jeans were filthy and torn, and I was certain he didn’t pay extra to make them look that way. His under-eye circles were so dark and purple it looked as if he had been on the losing end of a boxing match. His hair was an overgrown, black, greasy mess. His eyes looked dead.
“Hello?” He waved with irritation. “Can you f**king hear me?”
“Yes,” I snapped, turning my eyes back to his.
He smiled and wobbled on his feet. “What brings you out so late all by yourself?” He ran his hand over his jaw and his eyes raked over my body.
I glanced around the Laundromat, biting my tongue to keep myself from giving him a smart-ass reply. “Laundry,” I said flatly.
He chuckled a little, amused by my response. He leaned over me, the smell of mildew and alcohol assaulting my senses. “You let Jax know I said hi.” His eyes grew serious. “I’ll be seeing him soon.” The smile flashed across his face again and he turned and left. The door slammed behind him and I let out the breath I was holding.
I glanced around the room. Three other people remained in the room, but none of them looked in my direction. They didn’t want to get involved in any trouble. Fucking cowards.
I shoved off the bench in a huff and checked my laundry. The clothes were slightly damp and I slammed the door, letting the cycle finish. I just wanted to go home and sleep. Tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough. I was becoming addicted to running away from my life.
Getting a taste for what life was like outside this godforsaken place only made me want to escape even more. I hated having to babysit my mother and living in constant fear that I would say the wrong thing to Jax and be forced to endure the brunt of his anger.
My life had become a precarious balancing act of trying to survive financially and survive the beatings. It was hard to believe that Jax was once the boy who made me happy. He’d been my knight on a white horse.
“You have to flick your wrist. Like this.” Jackson’s arms looped around my waist as he put his hands over mine, steadying the fishing rod. I giggled and leaned back against his chest, feeling safe in his arms. He was only sixteen but he seemed to have everything figured out.
“It’s no use. I’m never gonna catch anything on this damn thread.” I slumped, ready to give up.
Jax lifted the rod and forced me to stay put and try again. “You’re never gonna catch shit if you don’t even try.” His arms drew back with mine as we cast the line again. Water rippled around the bobber as it bounced on top of the water.
“I appreciate you taking the time to teach me this. Maybe one day we can run away together, live off the land, start a new life. We could be whoever we want.”
“I wouldn’t want to be anyone else right now, Cass.” He kissed my neck from behind, causing me to shiver.
“I’m serious. Haven’t you ever wanted to just start your life over? You could be anyone you wanted.”
“No, Cass.” His voice grew irritated. “There’s nothing wrong with who we are.”
Just then, the rod bowed in our hands and I screamed as it nearly ripped from our fingers.
“We got one!” Jax was more excited than I had ever seen him. His fingers worked quickly to wind up the line. A fish sprang from the water and dangled in the air.
“My hero!” I turned and kissed Jax on the cheek.
I wiped a wayward tear from my cheek and quickly glanced around to make sure no one was watching me. The fairy tales we were told as children were all lies.
For a while, I clung to the dream, but drugs quickly destroyed it. I even fantasized that my knight was still out there somewhere and just hadn’t found me yet, leaving my fairy tale still unfinished. I laughed at the absurdity of it.
“I’m home.” I flung my purse on the counter and pulled open the fridge, practically starving after my shift at the diner.
“Babe, I was thinking we could go fishing like we used to.” Jax appeared from the hall holding a fishing pole and wearing a floppy green fishing hat.
I giggled at how silly he looked in only a T-shirt and boxers. “You might want to put some pants on first.”
He looked down at himself before his eyes fixated on me and he smiled. “Deal.”
I grabbed a yogurt from the fridge and ate it quickly while I waited for him to get dressed. I couldn’t wipe the goofy smile off my face. I missed having carefree moments like this with Jax. I was always so busy with work it seemed as if we hardly got to spend any time together.
“I’m not gonna wait all night. It’s gonna get dark soon!” I waited for a reply but none came. Worried, I threw my trash away and headed down the hall and found Jackson slumped on the floor.
“Jax?” I pushed on his shoulder and he startled awake. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I looked down at his lap and picked up a small baggie. “What is this?”
“Just sampling the product.” His eyes looked empty.
I dropped the baggie back onto his lap and ran from the room, thinking if I ran fast enough, I could escape my problems. Unfortunately, they always seemed to find me.
My thoughts went to Tucker, but I quickly pushed him to the back of my mind. He felt pity for me, nothing more. No one ever did, and I shouldn’t expect anything different from him just because he was some sort of rock star. I had to convince myself of that. If my world was going to change, it was going to be because of me and me alone. No one was going to give me any handouts. I needed to work harder and make my dream of owning my own home a reality. It was possible to make something of your life from nothing, and I was hell-bent on proving it.
The dryer buzzed and I quickly grabbed my basket and pulled the contents out of the hot machine. I folded everything as fast as possible, making sure to hide my white dress with purple flowers in the middle of a stack.
I would never be able to explain where the dresses came from if Jax found them.
Glancing up at the clock, I realized it was late enough now that he and Mom should be passed out. I smiled and made my way back across the dusty roads to my trailer.
The concert, the beach, and Tucker were only a few hours away now. He might not be my savior, but for now he could at least be my escape, my fantasy.
Propping the basket on my hip, I opened the trailer door and listened for any signs of life inside. There was nothing but the sound of the television in the living room. I sighed and traipsed down the hall, ready to call it a night.
“Fuck,” I cursed under my breath at the sound of water sloshing around in the bucket that sat in the middle of the hall as I smashed into it with my knee. That brought me back to reality quickly.
I tossed the basket on my bedroom floor and peeled off my clothes, then collapsed on my bed.
Chapter Twelve
I WANTED TO SLEEP the entire day away, but I was too excited. I stretched and pulled myself from my warm bed. It was nearly lunchtime.
I hadn’t been to the ocean since I was a kid and wondered if it would be everything I remembered. Making sure the house was silent, I slid off my bed and rummaged through my closet. I pulled out the plain cardboard box and held it to my chest.
Would it really hurt to let my mind get caught up in a fantasy? I slid the box back into the closet. I knew it would hurt. It was going to crush me when I woke from this dream. I stood and rubbed the head of my teddy bear. I carefully unhooked my necklace and tucked it inside for safekeeping.
I slipped out of my bedroom to take a quick shower. The water was freezing and I was forced not to linger as long as I would have liked. This day was going to drag on forever.
I then stood in front of the bathroom mirror, examining my bruises. My arm had a yellowish-green ring around it. It was still tender to the touch but not nearly as sensitive as it had been the day before.
“Cass! I’m hungry,” Jax grumbled as he rapped on the door. I jumped and grabbed my towel, securing it tightly around my chest.
“Okay,” I yelled back, trying not to let my voice shake. I gave myself one last glance before opening the door and sliding by him. “Just let me get dressed and I’ll find you something.” I tried to close my bedroom door behind me, but his hand caught it and held it open. I glanced over my shoulder, trying to avoid his eyes.
“No hurry.” His eyes traveled down my body as he reached out and tugged on the corner of my towel.
I pulled back from him and smiled weakly. “It’s a bad time of the month.”
His eyes narrowed and he let out a small laugh. “I’m not touching that.” He put his hands up and walked away.
I sighed and slammed the door, letting my back fall against it. My lies where piling up, and if I wasn’t careful, the house of cards I was building would fall.
I searched my laundry basket and picked a green tank top and a pair of cutoff jean shorts. I avoided the magazine, not wanting to destroy the image I had built of Tucker in my mind. I wanted to know more about the girl and if she had meant anything to him, but I wasn’t sure I would like the answer. I slipped on a pair of panties and slid my clothes on over them.
“Cass,” Jax yelled from down the hall.
I ran the brush through my hair quickly and hurried out to the kitchen.
The cupboards were practically bare. “Tuna?” I asked, holding up two cans.
He waved his hand dismissively. “Whatever.”
I grabbed the mayonnaise from the fridge and quickly prepared our food. There wasn’t any bread, so I grabbed a pack of saltines to eat it with.
I took our bowls into the living room and held his out for him. He grabbed his, and as I turned to go sit on the recliner, he reached out and captured my wrist. I turned back quickly, waiting for him to scream or swing at me.
