White Trash Beautiful
Page 16
“I grew up. The world ain’t some f**king fairy tale, Cass.”
I rolled my eyes and didn’t answer. What did he know? There was a whole world out there of good people who cared about others and didn’t treat them as if they were nothing. Tucker was out there. “Want another beer?” I asked, and jumped up from the couch.
Jax looked at me as if I were crazy. “Now you’re talkin’.”
I shot him a smile and made my way to the fridge. I waited for his eyes to focus on the news before grabbing his beer and keeping my old one in my hand. I took my seat on the couch and held out his bottle.
He twisted the cap off and flicked it across the room. “What more do you need out of life than this?” He laughed and put his hand on my thigh. I tried not to flinch as he drank the entire contents in one long sip.
He grabbed a cigarette and fumbled with the lighter. I took it and lit the cigarette for him. He inhaled and let his lips fall open, sending the burning cigarette falling down onto his stomach.
“Ouch! Shit!” He jumped up and brushed the hot ashes off his bare skin. I jumped up and grabbed the cigarette from the floor. He snatched it from my fingers and took a long drag, eyeing me. “Bet you thought that was pretty funny, huh?”
I shook my head and made my way to the kitchen to grab him another drink. He had to be at least eleven beers in, and I knew it wouldn’t be long until he passed out cold. I just needed him to do it before his temper got out of control again.
It seemed as if, these days, he lived his life to make mine miserable. And if I didn’t do something about it, no one would. I was tired of living my life afraid of what Jax would do next, or even worse, finding my mother dead from an overdose. I needed to get out of this situation. I needed to leap, and hopefully Tucker would be there to catch me when I fell. And if he wasn’t . . . I’d just have to figure things out on my own. All I knew was that Tucker had opened my eyes to a world outside this trailer park, to feeling that I was worth something. I wasn’t going to let those feelings die in this hellhole.
I handed Jax his beer, and he collapsed back onto the couch. His cigarette hung between his lips with the ashes still clinging to the end. His eyelids were at half-mast as his lips turned up into a grin. “You used to be prettier.” He laughed.
“Oh, yeah?” I rolled my eyes as I fell back onto the couch with a loud sigh. This was a side of Jax I hated. The side that felt the need to rip me apart and let me know how much of a nothing I was. “You used to be nice.”
He laughed and took another drink. “I could have done better.” His words slurred together and it was almost impossible to understand them.
“I was thinking the same thing.” I tipped the bottle of beer to my lips and drained the remainder down my throat.
“Why are you always trying to piss me off? Huh? You like it when I punish you?” His fingers squeezed my thigh.
“Stop it, Jax!” I tried to pry his fingers away but he held on tight.
“You telling me what to do, Cass?” He set his beer down on the floor and began to pull down his shorts. I tried to stand, but his hand pushed me back onto the couch. He leaned his body over mine.
“Stop it right now!” my mother yelled from behind us as she came out of the hallway.
Jax relaxed back into his spot on the couch, adjusting the band of his shorts. “We were just playing, Anne.” He took a long drag from his cigarette and blew the smoke in my face.
I took the opportunity to get as far away from him as I could. “You’re such an ass**le,” I said between gritted teeth as I folded my arms over my chest.
My mom got a drink from the fridge and stumbled her way back down the hall.
Jax just laughed, his eyes growing heavier. “That mom of yours is a f**king zombie.”
“Yeah, well, maybe you should stop feeding her drugs.”
“Maybe you should loosen up and try it. You might not be such a f**king bitch.”
“No,” I spat. “I’ll never be like you.”
I looked over to my left and saw that Jax had already fallen into a peaceful slumber. His breathing grew heavy and the cigarette still rested between his lips. The ashes had fallen onto his chest and caught in a clump of hair. I thought about leaving the cigarette there, letting fire destroy all of my sadness. But I could never do something like that. I pulled the cigarette from between his lips and took a long drag from it before dropping it into my empty beer bottle.
Chapter Sixteen
I GOT UP FROM the couch as carefully as I could, determined not to wake the sleeping giant. I was certain my frantic heartbeat could be heard throughout the trailer park. I tiptoed back down my hallway and carefully maneuvered around the water bucket to my room. I was crazy for even considering going to Tucker. Jackson was not the kind of man you lied to or cheated on. There would be no forgiveness, no talking things out. If he discovered what I was doing behind his back, I would be lucky to make it to a hospital.
I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind as I took my clothes off and slipped on a prettier tank top and cutoff shorts. I ran a brush through my hair several times until it lay perfectly straight down my back. I was either going to live or sit around waiting to die.
My mind was made up. I had never felt as happy as I did when I was with Tucker. I needed more. He was my addiction, and I needed to see him again before he left my life. I tiptoed through the house and opened the front door. The door squeaked against its hinges and I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut. There was no sound from Jax. He was out cold and would stay that way until morning if I was lucky. I smiled and slipped through the open door, pulling it closed behind me. I waited for a few minutes to see if he would follow, but he never came.
This was it. I practically ran out of the trailer park and across the parking lot of the diner. I grabbed some change from my pocket and slid it into the pay phone. I carefully pried apart the locket and unfolded the tiny scrap of paper with Tucker’s phone number on it. My heart was thudding out of my chest as I carefully punched in the numbers and waited for it to ring.
Tucker answered after the first ring, and my heart was now lodged in my throat, making it nearly impossible to speak.
“Cass?” His voice was filled with nearly as much excitement as I felt. “Everything okay?” His tone now turned more concerned.
“I’m fine,” I managed to whisper as I twisted the phone cord around my finger. “Can you . . . come pick me up?”
“I’m leaving now.” He hung up before I could even say goodbye. I smiled as I clicked the receiver back into place and headed for the giant oak tree at the edge of the lot. I sat down at its base and leaned my back against it. It was taking all of my strength to not take off running back home. But I didn’t; the potential consequences paled in comparison to the overwhelming excitement I felt knowing that Tucker was on his way. For the first time, I felt that he wasn’t looking at me with pity; he was looking at me with actual empathy. He got it. And he needed me to heal as much as I needed him.
His parents seemed as if they were cut from the same cloth as mine. I knew there was more to the story, and I hoped that with time he would share it with me.
I wouldn’t allow myself to think about Jackson. Instead, I thought about what life would be like when I was finally able to get myself out of this place. I had to stop wavering between thinking this was what I deserved and desperately longing to make something better of my life. I’d been saving for years to make a better life for myself, and I had to make it happen. Now that I’d been reminded of how it felt to be truly happy, excited, and free, it was no longer a matter of if, but when. I knew everything would have to change to get myself there, and I knew now that it would be a mistake to take Jackson with me. I would never look at him and feel what I felt for Tucker on that pier. I couldn’t go through life knowing what that felt like and never have it again. Jackson wasn’t the same man he’d been before, even though he’d been with me for so long, and despite my knowledge that this fling with Tucker would likely end soon, I knew Jackson just was not going to be my future—any more than I’d let this trailer park be my future.
I couldn’t even make myself consider this cheating on Jackson; not really. There hadn’t been anything between us in longer than I wanted to admit. Not sexually, and not even emotionally—at least not on my part.
The distant growling of Tucker’s motorcycle pulled me from my thoughts. I wasn’t going to think of the future and what could be in store for me. All I wanted to think about was tonight. The roaring of the engine grew closer and I pushed myself up, brushing the dirt and grass from my bottom.
As the headlight on Tucker’s motorcycle turned on me, I shielded my eyes until he was parked in front of me.
My feet couldn’t carry me to him fast enough.
He represented everything I wanted in life. He was freedom, he was a fantasy. A dream that played inside my head since I’d learned how cruel this world could truly be.
I slid my leg over the back of his bike and grabbed the spare helmet from his hand. I slipped it on and laced my arms around his body, holding on to him for dear life as we took off out of the parking lot. In a blink, we left that dirty trailer park in our dust and made our way to the city. At every light, Tucker’s hand rested on one of my legs, rubbing my chilled skin. He left a trail of heat in the wake of his fingertips. We only slowed when we went over the cobblestone streets. Tucker pulled off the side of the road at the City Market. Hundreds of bodies filled the streets as live music played off in the distance.
“This is amazing!” I took in the surroundings as I slipped off my helmet. Tucker did the same and ran his hand through his messy hair. I slipped my leg over the bike and stood waiting for Tucker. He propped the bike up on its kickstand.
“It only gets better.” He got off the bike and took my hand as we rounded a public fountain that was still alive with children trying to escape the balmy evening. We began to weave our way through the crowd. We made our way past the band and made a beeline for a place called Café that sat off to the right. The hostess out front greeted us with a warm smile.
“Two hard Savannah sweet teas, please.” Tucker pulled out a wad of cash from his pocket and handed a twenty to the woman.
“Coming right up.” She smiled brightly and took off to prepare our drinks.
We took a seat on the wooden bench just outside the restaurant, taking in the sights and the sounds. The crowd applauded as the band finished their version of “Hotel California.”
“ ‘Freebird,’ ” Tucker yelled over the crowd members who were screaming out song suggestions. I laughed and ducked my head as the band began to play his requested song.
“Here are your drinks.” The hostess was in front of us with two plastic cups and Tucker’s change. He waved the money away and took our drinks, holding one out for me. We both took a sip, and my cheeks puckered from the strong concoction.
“Oh. Shit. We have to hurry!” He glanced down at his watch before taking my hand and pulling me from the bench.
“Where are we going?” I let him pull me through the crowd to a carriage drawn by two massive horses. His grin grew wide as I took in the massive wooden cart. “Oh, no!” I pulled back from him, but he held on to my hand tight.
“You’re not scared of a couple of ponies are you?” His lips curled up into a playful smile.
“They’re huge!”
He stepped closer and took my other hand in his. “I know they’re not white and technically we’re not riding on them, but this is the best I could do on short notice.” His eyes searched mine, and I felt my heart clutch in my chest.
This was my fairy tale. Even if it was for just one night. I put my fears aside and nodded, unable to contain my smile, not that I wanted to.
I let him pull me closer to the cart as a woman set out a small ladder for us. I hesitantly climbed it and slid across the black vinyl seat. Tucker followed, and the woman removed the ladder as the carriage jerked into motion.
Tucker slipped his arm around me and pulled me into his side. At that moment, I feared nothing. Not the massive horses, not what waited for me in the morning, not even Jackson.
We sipped our drinks as we toured the cobbled streets, weaving our way around the squares as our tour guide told us of the history of Savannah. It was hard to focus on anything she said with Tucker so incredibly close. We were transported to another time and place. It was perfect. We even passed by the Savannah Theatre where I’d watched Tucker perform only a few days before. It felt as if an eternity had passed. So much had happened in these few days that it could have spanned a lifetime. We learned of the city’s burning down three times and being rebuilt as new. I thought of what it would be like to let everything I had been through go, nothing left but ashes. Let the memories go up in smoke and start again.
“What are you thinking about?” Tucker ran the back of his finger down my cheek and along my jaw.
“How people change, life changes, but it all still stays the same.”
“It’s not always a bad thing.”
“I feel like it is my fate to be stuck in that trailer, and no matter what I do to get myself out, I will somehow end up back in there.”
“I don’t believe in fate.”
“Really?” I turned toward him with a smirk. “What do you believe in, Tucker White?”
“Karma.”
“Karma?” I raised an eyebrow.
“I think it was karma that brought you into my life.”
“Then tell me, what is it I did to deserve Jax?”
“You don’t. That’s the bad karma he is putting into the world. One day it is going to pay him back for everything he has done to you.” Tucker pulled my head against his chest and rubbed his hand over my back.
I rolled my eyes and didn’t answer. What did he know? There was a whole world out there of good people who cared about others and didn’t treat them as if they were nothing. Tucker was out there. “Want another beer?” I asked, and jumped up from the couch.
Jax looked at me as if I were crazy. “Now you’re talkin’.”
I shot him a smile and made my way to the fridge. I waited for his eyes to focus on the news before grabbing his beer and keeping my old one in my hand. I took my seat on the couch and held out his bottle.
He twisted the cap off and flicked it across the room. “What more do you need out of life than this?” He laughed and put his hand on my thigh. I tried not to flinch as he drank the entire contents in one long sip.
He grabbed a cigarette and fumbled with the lighter. I took it and lit the cigarette for him. He inhaled and let his lips fall open, sending the burning cigarette falling down onto his stomach.
“Ouch! Shit!” He jumped up and brushed the hot ashes off his bare skin. I jumped up and grabbed the cigarette from the floor. He snatched it from my fingers and took a long drag, eyeing me. “Bet you thought that was pretty funny, huh?”
I shook my head and made my way to the kitchen to grab him another drink. He had to be at least eleven beers in, and I knew it wouldn’t be long until he passed out cold. I just needed him to do it before his temper got out of control again.
It seemed as if, these days, he lived his life to make mine miserable. And if I didn’t do something about it, no one would. I was tired of living my life afraid of what Jax would do next, or even worse, finding my mother dead from an overdose. I needed to get out of this situation. I needed to leap, and hopefully Tucker would be there to catch me when I fell. And if he wasn’t . . . I’d just have to figure things out on my own. All I knew was that Tucker had opened my eyes to a world outside this trailer park, to feeling that I was worth something. I wasn’t going to let those feelings die in this hellhole.
I handed Jax his beer, and he collapsed back onto the couch. His cigarette hung between his lips with the ashes still clinging to the end. His eyelids were at half-mast as his lips turned up into a grin. “You used to be prettier.” He laughed.
“Oh, yeah?” I rolled my eyes as I fell back onto the couch with a loud sigh. This was a side of Jax I hated. The side that felt the need to rip me apart and let me know how much of a nothing I was. “You used to be nice.”
He laughed and took another drink. “I could have done better.” His words slurred together and it was almost impossible to understand them.
“I was thinking the same thing.” I tipped the bottle of beer to my lips and drained the remainder down my throat.
“Why are you always trying to piss me off? Huh? You like it when I punish you?” His fingers squeezed my thigh.
“Stop it, Jax!” I tried to pry his fingers away but he held on tight.
“You telling me what to do, Cass?” He set his beer down on the floor and began to pull down his shorts. I tried to stand, but his hand pushed me back onto the couch. He leaned his body over mine.
“Stop it right now!” my mother yelled from behind us as she came out of the hallway.
Jax relaxed back into his spot on the couch, adjusting the band of his shorts. “We were just playing, Anne.” He took a long drag from his cigarette and blew the smoke in my face.
I took the opportunity to get as far away from him as I could. “You’re such an ass**le,” I said between gritted teeth as I folded my arms over my chest.
My mom got a drink from the fridge and stumbled her way back down the hall.
Jax just laughed, his eyes growing heavier. “That mom of yours is a f**king zombie.”
“Yeah, well, maybe you should stop feeding her drugs.”
“Maybe you should loosen up and try it. You might not be such a f**king bitch.”
“No,” I spat. “I’ll never be like you.”
I looked over to my left and saw that Jax had already fallen into a peaceful slumber. His breathing grew heavy and the cigarette still rested between his lips. The ashes had fallen onto his chest and caught in a clump of hair. I thought about leaving the cigarette there, letting fire destroy all of my sadness. But I could never do something like that. I pulled the cigarette from between his lips and took a long drag from it before dropping it into my empty beer bottle.
Chapter Sixteen
I GOT UP FROM the couch as carefully as I could, determined not to wake the sleeping giant. I was certain my frantic heartbeat could be heard throughout the trailer park. I tiptoed back down my hallway and carefully maneuvered around the water bucket to my room. I was crazy for even considering going to Tucker. Jackson was not the kind of man you lied to or cheated on. There would be no forgiveness, no talking things out. If he discovered what I was doing behind his back, I would be lucky to make it to a hospital.
I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind as I took my clothes off and slipped on a prettier tank top and cutoff shorts. I ran a brush through my hair several times until it lay perfectly straight down my back. I was either going to live or sit around waiting to die.
My mind was made up. I had never felt as happy as I did when I was with Tucker. I needed more. He was my addiction, and I needed to see him again before he left my life. I tiptoed through the house and opened the front door. The door squeaked against its hinges and I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut. There was no sound from Jax. He was out cold and would stay that way until morning if I was lucky. I smiled and slipped through the open door, pulling it closed behind me. I waited for a few minutes to see if he would follow, but he never came.
This was it. I practically ran out of the trailer park and across the parking lot of the diner. I grabbed some change from my pocket and slid it into the pay phone. I carefully pried apart the locket and unfolded the tiny scrap of paper with Tucker’s phone number on it. My heart was thudding out of my chest as I carefully punched in the numbers and waited for it to ring.
Tucker answered after the first ring, and my heart was now lodged in my throat, making it nearly impossible to speak.
“Cass?” His voice was filled with nearly as much excitement as I felt. “Everything okay?” His tone now turned more concerned.
“I’m fine,” I managed to whisper as I twisted the phone cord around my finger. “Can you . . . come pick me up?”
“I’m leaving now.” He hung up before I could even say goodbye. I smiled as I clicked the receiver back into place and headed for the giant oak tree at the edge of the lot. I sat down at its base and leaned my back against it. It was taking all of my strength to not take off running back home. But I didn’t; the potential consequences paled in comparison to the overwhelming excitement I felt knowing that Tucker was on his way. For the first time, I felt that he wasn’t looking at me with pity; he was looking at me with actual empathy. He got it. And he needed me to heal as much as I needed him.
His parents seemed as if they were cut from the same cloth as mine. I knew there was more to the story, and I hoped that with time he would share it with me.
I wouldn’t allow myself to think about Jackson. Instead, I thought about what life would be like when I was finally able to get myself out of this place. I had to stop wavering between thinking this was what I deserved and desperately longing to make something better of my life. I’d been saving for years to make a better life for myself, and I had to make it happen. Now that I’d been reminded of how it felt to be truly happy, excited, and free, it was no longer a matter of if, but when. I knew everything would have to change to get myself there, and I knew now that it would be a mistake to take Jackson with me. I would never look at him and feel what I felt for Tucker on that pier. I couldn’t go through life knowing what that felt like and never have it again. Jackson wasn’t the same man he’d been before, even though he’d been with me for so long, and despite my knowledge that this fling with Tucker would likely end soon, I knew Jackson just was not going to be my future—any more than I’d let this trailer park be my future.
I couldn’t even make myself consider this cheating on Jackson; not really. There hadn’t been anything between us in longer than I wanted to admit. Not sexually, and not even emotionally—at least not on my part.
The distant growling of Tucker’s motorcycle pulled me from my thoughts. I wasn’t going to think of the future and what could be in store for me. All I wanted to think about was tonight. The roaring of the engine grew closer and I pushed myself up, brushing the dirt and grass from my bottom.
As the headlight on Tucker’s motorcycle turned on me, I shielded my eyes until he was parked in front of me.
My feet couldn’t carry me to him fast enough.
He represented everything I wanted in life. He was freedom, he was a fantasy. A dream that played inside my head since I’d learned how cruel this world could truly be.
I slid my leg over the back of his bike and grabbed the spare helmet from his hand. I slipped it on and laced my arms around his body, holding on to him for dear life as we took off out of the parking lot. In a blink, we left that dirty trailer park in our dust and made our way to the city. At every light, Tucker’s hand rested on one of my legs, rubbing my chilled skin. He left a trail of heat in the wake of his fingertips. We only slowed when we went over the cobblestone streets. Tucker pulled off the side of the road at the City Market. Hundreds of bodies filled the streets as live music played off in the distance.
“This is amazing!” I took in the surroundings as I slipped off my helmet. Tucker did the same and ran his hand through his messy hair. I slipped my leg over the bike and stood waiting for Tucker. He propped the bike up on its kickstand.
“It only gets better.” He got off the bike and took my hand as we rounded a public fountain that was still alive with children trying to escape the balmy evening. We began to weave our way through the crowd. We made our way past the band and made a beeline for a place called Café that sat off to the right. The hostess out front greeted us with a warm smile.
“Two hard Savannah sweet teas, please.” Tucker pulled out a wad of cash from his pocket and handed a twenty to the woman.
“Coming right up.” She smiled brightly and took off to prepare our drinks.
We took a seat on the wooden bench just outside the restaurant, taking in the sights and the sounds. The crowd applauded as the band finished their version of “Hotel California.”
“ ‘Freebird,’ ” Tucker yelled over the crowd members who were screaming out song suggestions. I laughed and ducked my head as the band began to play his requested song.
“Here are your drinks.” The hostess was in front of us with two plastic cups and Tucker’s change. He waved the money away and took our drinks, holding one out for me. We both took a sip, and my cheeks puckered from the strong concoction.
“Oh. Shit. We have to hurry!” He glanced down at his watch before taking my hand and pulling me from the bench.
“Where are we going?” I let him pull me through the crowd to a carriage drawn by two massive horses. His grin grew wide as I took in the massive wooden cart. “Oh, no!” I pulled back from him, but he held on to my hand tight.
“You’re not scared of a couple of ponies are you?” His lips curled up into a playful smile.
“They’re huge!”
He stepped closer and took my other hand in his. “I know they’re not white and technically we’re not riding on them, but this is the best I could do on short notice.” His eyes searched mine, and I felt my heart clutch in my chest.
This was my fairy tale. Even if it was for just one night. I put my fears aside and nodded, unable to contain my smile, not that I wanted to.
I let him pull me closer to the cart as a woman set out a small ladder for us. I hesitantly climbed it and slid across the black vinyl seat. Tucker followed, and the woman removed the ladder as the carriage jerked into motion.
Tucker slipped his arm around me and pulled me into his side. At that moment, I feared nothing. Not the massive horses, not what waited for me in the morning, not even Jackson.
We sipped our drinks as we toured the cobbled streets, weaving our way around the squares as our tour guide told us of the history of Savannah. It was hard to focus on anything she said with Tucker so incredibly close. We were transported to another time and place. It was perfect. We even passed by the Savannah Theatre where I’d watched Tucker perform only a few days before. It felt as if an eternity had passed. So much had happened in these few days that it could have spanned a lifetime. We learned of the city’s burning down three times and being rebuilt as new. I thought of what it would be like to let everything I had been through go, nothing left but ashes. Let the memories go up in smoke and start again.
“What are you thinking about?” Tucker ran the back of his finger down my cheek and along my jaw.
“How people change, life changes, but it all still stays the same.”
“It’s not always a bad thing.”
“I feel like it is my fate to be stuck in that trailer, and no matter what I do to get myself out, I will somehow end up back in there.”
“I don’t believe in fate.”
“Really?” I turned toward him with a smirk. “What do you believe in, Tucker White?”
“Karma.”
“Karma?” I raised an eyebrow.
“I think it was karma that brought you into my life.”
“Then tell me, what is it I did to deserve Jax?”
“You don’t. That’s the bad karma he is putting into the world. One day it is going to pay him back for everything he has done to you.” Tucker pulled my head against his chest and rubbed his hand over my back.
