White Trash Beautiful
Page 20
“I’ll get it to you,” Jax said, looking at his plate.
“How? How, Jax?” I couldn’t keep my voice at a whisper any longer. I could see my dreams being yanked away from me and it hurt. It physically made me ill as I mentally counted the money I had saved in my bear.
“Shut up, Cass, and let the grown-ups talk,” Tom said with a chuckle.
“Fuck you!”
“Hey, that can be arranged,” Tom shot back.
Jax grabbed the front of Tom’s shirt and pulled his face down to his. “Don’t f**king talk to her like that. I said I’ll get you the f**king money.”
“I’m tired of f**king waiting,” Tom shot back. “When?”
I didn’t wait for his answer. Tom was a lot of things, and crazy topped the list. I got up from the table and made my way out the front door. I broke out into a run as my feet hit the dirt. I wanted to leave this place and never look back, but instead I headed for my trailer. This was my punishment. I let the tears fall freely down my cheeks as I slipped inside the trailer and headed for my bedroom. I grabbed my old, tattered bear and squeezed it before slipping my hand inside the hole in the back and pulling out my savings. I counted it once to make sure it was all there. Six hundred and forty-five dollars. I would be starting over completely.
“Cass?” my mom called from down the hall.
“Not now, Mama.”
“Cass, I’m hungry.”
“You’re gonna have to wait!” I yelled back at her.
I shook my head and slipped the money inside my apron, giving the bear a quick kiss on its nose. This wouldn’t make up for what I’d done to Jackson, but it would help to ease my conscience. I knew now it would be forever before I could escape this place. This was where I belonged and I couldn’t fight it any longer. There was no escaping fate.
Chapter Nineteen
I MADE MY WAY back to the diner with a broken spirit and my life savings. Jackson and Tom were now in the parking lot arguing. Tom had his hand on his waist, and I knew he was letting Jax know he had a weapon. I didn’t know if he would use it, but I would never doubt what someone is capable of while under the influence of drugs. On many occasions I had watched drugs turn Jackson into a heartless monster. I jogged to Jackson’s side. I hated myself for what I was about to do. My dreams, my new life, all riding on this money, and I was about to hand it away because of drugs. A habit that wasn’t even mine.
“Stay out of this, Cass.” Jax gave me a stern look, but I knew he was worried about what Tom would do with that gun. He was worried about my safety. I knew I needed to protect Jax, even if it meant giving up on my dreams and living in this nightmare forever. I glanced around the dirty lot as I forced myself to accept reality once again.
“How ’bout you come over here, Cass?” Tom smiled as he pulled the small, silver gun from his waistband and gestured for me to move closer. I glanced at Jax, pleading with my eyes for him to do something. He didn’t move, and Tom wasn’t pleased I didn’t do what I was told. His arm shot out and he grabbed the hair at my nape and pulled me in front of him. He pressed the barrel of the gun to my chest with shaky hands. The cold metal rested beside the locket that held my secrets.
“What do you think, Jax? It’s not exactly an even trade, but I think she is a start.”
My stomach rolled and my knees gave way beneath me. I was held firmly in place by my hair.
“Jax!” I screamed.
“Don’t f**king hurt her! I’ll get you your f**king money.”
“When?” Tom pushed the gun harder into my chest, letting Jax know he wasn’t playing games.
“Here.” I grabbed the wad of cash from my apron and held it in front of me as my stomach twisted in knots. My knuckles turned bone white as I gripped the small stack of cash, wanting desperately to run in the other direction.
Jax looked completely shocked as his mouth fell open and his eyes locked on the bills in my hand. Tom grabbed the money with a huge grin, finally releasing his grip on my hair. I fell to my hands and knees as Tom began to flip through it and count it as I had a moment before. My heart sank as he slipped it into his pocket.
“Pleasure doin’ business with ya, Cass.” He smiled as he began to walk away from us.
“Tom,” I called to his back, causing him to stop and look over his shoulder. “Don’t ever f**king come around Jackson again. He doesn’t need any more of your kind of friendship.”
Tom just laughed and shook his head as he continued across the lot, carrying my future with him. My heart was in the pit of my stomach as the realization of what I had done began to sink in. It was more than money to me. It was a way to save my family. It was the only reason I got up each day and worked as hard as I did. Now I had nothing.
First I had pushed away Tucker’s love, and now I had locked myself into a self-perpetuating nightmare. I finally let out the breath I had been holding and pushed to my feet.
Jackson grabbed me under my arms and helped me up. “Where the f**k did you get that?”
I knew he was preparing for a fight, and I needed to get myself away from him as soon as possible.
“You’re welcome.” I walked around him toward the diner. Fresh tears threatened to fall as my head throbbed.
“Cass!” The tone of his voice was frightening and I stopped dead in my tracks. “Thanks.”
I nodded and hurried inside the restaurant to take care of my tables. Marla was shooting daggers with her eyes, and Larry just shook his head and slipped back inside the kitchen. Everything had righted itself in the world, except Jax was no longer the scariest thing in the trailer park.
I continued with my shift like a zombie. I couldn’t allow myself to feel anything or the sadness would take over. No one wanted a sad, blubbering waitress.
When my shift ended, I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or more stressed. I dreaded going back to the trailer, but that was the only place I had to go.
“Cass, why don’t you let Marla handle the side work tonight?” Larry said from the kitchen door.
“No, it’s okay. I can handle it.”
“Just go home.”
“I need this job, Larry. I can’t lose it on account of him.”
“Your job will be here tomorrow. Go on home.”
I was relieved and saddened that I would be coming back.
I closed out my final check and made my way into the darkened parking lot. My fingers absentmindedly played with the locket hidden beneath my shirt. I couldn’t keep drifting off in these memories. Others were starting to notice and soon Jackson would as well.
I was too absorbed in my thoughts to notice the movement by the fence. Tom stepped out from the shadows and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. His nasty scent assaulted my senses as I struggled to pry his roaming hands from my body.
“I’m looking forward to the next time Jax gets in debt with me. You know, I take other forms of payment.” Tom laughed into my ear as I gagged on the bile that was rising in my throat.
“There won’t be a next time. Keep your filthy drugs away from my family.” I tried to struggle, but my arms were pinned to my sides.
He laughed again. “I like it when you struggle.”
“Fuck you, Tom!”
“Are you giving consent?”
“I wouldn’t give you water if you were on fire!”
“I’m on fire right now for you.” He panted as he struggled to keep me locked in his grasp.
I bowed my head and threw it back with all of my might. Tom’s hands fell from my body as he cursed and yelled. My flight instincts kicked in and I took off in a mad dash for my trailer.
I slipped inside to find Jackson on the couch with a beer in hand and my mother sitting in the recliner fidgeting with her hands. I could tell she was not feeling well, and she was also very much sober.
“Hey,” I said quietly as I walked across the room toward my bedroom in a daze.
“What happened to you?” Jackson jumped up from the couch and followed me to my room.
“You happened!” I slammed the door and began to pull off my work clothes, praying he wouldn’t bust it down. As I pulled off my shoes, I could hear the faint sound of music over the loudness of the living-room television. I listened as I wandered around the room to hear it better. It was Tucker’s and my song. I realized it was coming from the closet and began to pull out clothes and boxes. I grabbed the cell phone in my hand and looked at the screen.
“Tucker.” I sighed. I held it to my chest for a moment debating whether to answer. I stared at my bedroom door, preparing for someone to come bursting through. I clicked the ANSWER button and held the phone to my ear. “Hello,” I whispered so quietly I wasn’t sure he could hear me.
“Cass.” Tucker sighed, and it tugged at a string that he had tied directly to my heart. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the closet door. “How are you?”
“I’ve been better.”
“What happened? Did he hurt you again? I will f**king kill him if he hurt you, Cass.” His voice was panicked now.
“No. It’s not like that.” The tears were threatening to fall again and I had to swallow several times to push against the lump in my throat. Tucker sighed loudly into the phone. His words made me feel safe even though he was so far away. It was comforting to know someone cared, even if he wasn’t with you.
“Cass . . . I can’t leave things like this between us.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing I would have to explain myself. “I never regretted it. It was . . . it meant more to me than you will ever know. It’s just too much, you know?”
“It will never be enough.” His voice was full of sadness, and I wished I could wrap my arms around him and make him feel better. All I cared about now was taking away his pain, even if it caused me more. “I can’t stand not knowing if you’re safe. The thought of that bastard putting his hands on you and no one there to stop him drives me crazy. Come on tour with me. It’s insane that we aren’t together right now.”
“I can’t.” The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could think.
“Why not? What is so much better about him?” I could hear the anger in his voice as he mentioned Jax.
“Nothing.” It was the truth, but I needed to set Tucker free. Doing so meant giving Jax yet another chance, and making sure my mother was safe and had a roof over her head.
“I can’t leave my mother, Tucker. She needs my help. I’m all she has.”
“You don’t have to be her parent, Cass. That’s not fair to you.”
“It’s the way it is. She needs me and so does Jax. I won’t just abandon them. I’m not that kind of person.” I held my breath as I waited for him to say something, anything. “I wouldn’t take back what happened between us for anything, Tucker.”
“Then why did you run?”
“Tucker, the sky is the limit for you. My limit is the tattered fence around this trailer park.”
“Please don’t talk like that.”
“Tucker, you know that I’m only holding you back. . . . I can’t do that to you. . . .” I could hear footsteps coming down the hall, and fear washed over me. “I have to go.”
I hung up before he could respond. My heart immediately felt empty and I felt the pain of sadness in my chest. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and rehid the phone deep inside my closet. I finished pulling off my clothes and slipped on an old T-shirt and shorts.
I walked out to the living room and sat on the couch, eyeing my mother. A few seconds later, Jackson emerged from the bathroom and took the seat next to me. His arm extended behind me and he pulled me into his side. I wanted to pull away, but the closeness felt good in a moment when I felt so fragile. My eyes fixed on the television, which was now showing a college football game. I let my eyes fall closed and imagined I was in Tucker’s arms.
I passed out immediately from exhaustion, not dreaming of anything. It was some very much needed rest. I awoke lying on the couch, pulled into Jackson’s arms. I almost woke him when I gasped, expecting to see Tucker’s face instead of my boyfriend’s. Guilt consumed me once again for thinking of another man while in Jackson’s embrace. No one deserved that type of deceit, not even Jax. I couldn’t help but feel so conflicted it made me nauseated. I pushed Tucker to the back of my mind, vowing to keep his memory hidden like the pretty little dresses I buried in the back of my closet. Jax stirred and his arms tightened around me. I could feel his excitement from our closeness. I slowly pulled my body from his, not wanting to be pressed against him when he did wake up. I couldn’t sleep with him after what I had done with Tucker. Maybe one day I would be able to forgive myself and move on with my life, but that day was not today.
I slid off the couch and landed less than gracefully on the floor. Jax groaned and rolled over so his back was now facing me. I breathed a sigh of relief and pushed off the floor. I needed coffee and I needed lots of it.
I stumbled into the kitchen and began to prepare a fresh pot, and my mother came down the hallway.
“Morning.” She was smiling as she took a spot at the kitchen table. I raised an eyebrow at her but didn’t respond. All these years I needed a mother and was forced to deal with my problems by myself. Now she was coming around and I could barely say two words to her. I knew her newfound sobriety wasn’t by choice, but because Tom Fullerton was keeping his distance from Jax after their heated skirmish. In time he would show his face again and my mother would be a lost cause. There was nothing I could do now. I had no savings, no way out.
I poured the coffee and took the steaming mugs over to the table. She was shaking and looked to be in physical pain. I sat down and took a small sip from my cup.
“How? How, Jax?” I couldn’t keep my voice at a whisper any longer. I could see my dreams being yanked away from me and it hurt. It physically made me ill as I mentally counted the money I had saved in my bear.
“Shut up, Cass, and let the grown-ups talk,” Tom said with a chuckle.
“Fuck you!”
“Hey, that can be arranged,” Tom shot back.
Jax grabbed the front of Tom’s shirt and pulled his face down to his. “Don’t f**king talk to her like that. I said I’ll get you the f**king money.”
“I’m tired of f**king waiting,” Tom shot back. “When?”
I didn’t wait for his answer. Tom was a lot of things, and crazy topped the list. I got up from the table and made my way out the front door. I broke out into a run as my feet hit the dirt. I wanted to leave this place and never look back, but instead I headed for my trailer. This was my punishment. I let the tears fall freely down my cheeks as I slipped inside the trailer and headed for my bedroom. I grabbed my old, tattered bear and squeezed it before slipping my hand inside the hole in the back and pulling out my savings. I counted it once to make sure it was all there. Six hundred and forty-five dollars. I would be starting over completely.
“Cass?” my mom called from down the hall.
“Not now, Mama.”
“Cass, I’m hungry.”
“You’re gonna have to wait!” I yelled back at her.
I shook my head and slipped the money inside my apron, giving the bear a quick kiss on its nose. This wouldn’t make up for what I’d done to Jackson, but it would help to ease my conscience. I knew now it would be forever before I could escape this place. This was where I belonged and I couldn’t fight it any longer. There was no escaping fate.
Chapter Nineteen
I MADE MY WAY back to the diner with a broken spirit and my life savings. Jackson and Tom were now in the parking lot arguing. Tom had his hand on his waist, and I knew he was letting Jax know he had a weapon. I didn’t know if he would use it, but I would never doubt what someone is capable of while under the influence of drugs. On many occasions I had watched drugs turn Jackson into a heartless monster. I jogged to Jackson’s side. I hated myself for what I was about to do. My dreams, my new life, all riding on this money, and I was about to hand it away because of drugs. A habit that wasn’t even mine.
“Stay out of this, Cass.” Jax gave me a stern look, but I knew he was worried about what Tom would do with that gun. He was worried about my safety. I knew I needed to protect Jax, even if it meant giving up on my dreams and living in this nightmare forever. I glanced around the dirty lot as I forced myself to accept reality once again.
“How ’bout you come over here, Cass?” Tom smiled as he pulled the small, silver gun from his waistband and gestured for me to move closer. I glanced at Jax, pleading with my eyes for him to do something. He didn’t move, and Tom wasn’t pleased I didn’t do what I was told. His arm shot out and he grabbed the hair at my nape and pulled me in front of him. He pressed the barrel of the gun to my chest with shaky hands. The cold metal rested beside the locket that held my secrets.
“What do you think, Jax? It’s not exactly an even trade, but I think she is a start.”
My stomach rolled and my knees gave way beneath me. I was held firmly in place by my hair.
“Jax!” I screamed.
“Don’t f**king hurt her! I’ll get you your f**king money.”
“When?” Tom pushed the gun harder into my chest, letting Jax know he wasn’t playing games.
“Here.” I grabbed the wad of cash from my apron and held it in front of me as my stomach twisted in knots. My knuckles turned bone white as I gripped the small stack of cash, wanting desperately to run in the other direction.
Jax looked completely shocked as his mouth fell open and his eyes locked on the bills in my hand. Tom grabbed the money with a huge grin, finally releasing his grip on my hair. I fell to my hands and knees as Tom began to flip through it and count it as I had a moment before. My heart sank as he slipped it into his pocket.
“Pleasure doin’ business with ya, Cass.” He smiled as he began to walk away from us.
“Tom,” I called to his back, causing him to stop and look over his shoulder. “Don’t ever f**king come around Jackson again. He doesn’t need any more of your kind of friendship.”
Tom just laughed and shook his head as he continued across the lot, carrying my future with him. My heart was in the pit of my stomach as the realization of what I had done began to sink in. It was more than money to me. It was a way to save my family. It was the only reason I got up each day and worked as hard as I did. Now I had nothing.
First I had pushed away Tucker’s love, and now I had locked myself into a self-perpetuating nightmare. I finally let out the breath I had been holding and pushed to my feet.
Jackson grabbed me under my arms and helped me up. “Where the f**k did you get that?”
I knew he was preparing for a fight, and I needed to get myself away from him as soon as possible.
“You’re welcome.” I walked around him toward the diner. Fresh tears threatened to fall as my head throbbed.
“Cass!” The tone of his voice was frightening and I stopped dead in my tracks. “Thanks.”
I nodded and hurried inside the restaurant to take care of my tables. Marla was shooting daggers with her eyes, and Larry just shook his head and slipped back inside the kitchen. Everything had righted itself in the world, except Jax was no longer the scariest thing in the trailer park.
I continued with my shift like a zombie. I couldn’t allow myself to feel anything or the sadness would take over. No one wanted a sad, blubbering waitress.
When my shift ended, I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or more stressed. I dreaded going back to the trailer, but that was the only place I had to go.
“Cass, why don’t you let Marla handle the side work tonight?” Larry said from the kitchen door.
“No, it’s okay. I can handle it.”
“Just go home.”
“I need this job, Larry. I can’t lose it on account of him.”
“Your job will be here tomorrow. Go on home.”
I was relieved and saddened that I would be coming back.
I closed out my final check and made my way into the darkened parking lot. My fingers absentmindedly played with the locket hidden beneath my shirt. I couldn’t keep drifting off in these memories. Others were starting to notice and soon Jackson would as well.
I was too absorbed in my thoughts to notice the movement by the fence. Tom stepped out from the shadows and wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. His nasty scent assaulted my senses as I struggled to pry his roaming hands from my body.
“I’m looking forward to the next time Jax gets in debt with me. You know, I take other forms of payment.” Tom laughed into my ear as I gagged on the bile that was rising in my throat.
“There won’t be a next time. Keep your filthy drugs away from my family.” I tried to struggle, but my arms were pinned to my sides.
He laughed again. “I like it when you struggle.”
“Fuck you, Tom!”
“Are you giving consent?”
“I wouldn’t give you water if you were on fire!”
“I’m on fire right now for you.” He panted as he struggled to keep me locked in his grasp.
I bowed my head and threw it back with all of my might. Tom’s hands fell from my body as he cursed and yelled. My flight instincts kicked in and I took off in a mad dash for my trailer.
I slipped inside to find Jackson on the couch with a beer in hand and my mother sitting in the recliner fidgeting with her hands. I could tell she was not feeling well, and she was also very much sober.
“Hey,” I said quietly as I walked across the room toward my bedroom in a daze.
“What happened to you?” Jackson jumped up from the couch and followed me to my room.
“You happened!” I slammed the door and began to pull off my work clothes, praying he wouldn’t bust it down. As I pulled off my shoes, I could hear the faint sound of music over the loudness of the living-room television. I listened as I wandered around the room to hear it better. It was Tucker’s and my song. I realized it was coming from the closet and began to pull out clothes and boxes. I grabbed the cell phone in my hand and looked at the screen.
“Tucker.” I sighed. I held it to my chest for a moment debating whether to answer. I stared at my bedroom door, preparing for someone to come bursting through. I clicked the ANSWER button and held the phone to my ear. “Hello,” I whispered so quietly I wasn’t sure he could hear me.
“Cass.” Tucker sighed, and it tugged at a string that he had tied directly to my heart. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the closet door. “How are you?”
“I’ve been better.”
“What happened? Did he hurt you again? I will f**king kill him if he hurt you, Cass.” His voice was panicked now.
“No. It’s not like that.” The tears were threatening to fall again and I had to swallow several times to push against the lump in my throat. Tucker sighed loudly into the phone. His words made me feel safe even though he was so far away. It was comforting to know someone cared, even if he wasn’t with you.
“Cass . . . I can’t leave things like this between us.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, knowing I would have to explain myself. “I never regretted it. It was . . . it meant more to me than you will ever know. It’s just too much, you know?”
“It will never be enough.” His voice was full of sadness, and I wished I could wrap my arms around him and make him feel better. All I cared about now was taking away his pain, even if it caused me more. “I can’t stand not knowing if you’re safe. The thought of that bastard putting his hands on you and no one there to stop him drives me crazy. Come on tour with me. It’s insane that we aren’t together right now.”
“I can’t.” The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could think.
“Why not? What is so much better about him?” I could hear the anger in his voice as he mentioned Jax.
“Nothing.” It was the truth, but I needed to set Tucker free. Doing so meant giving Jax yet another chance, and making sure my mother was safe and had a roof over her head.
“I can’t leave my mother, Tucker. She needs my help. I’m all she has.”
“You don’t have to be her parent, Cass. That’s not fair to you.”
“It’s the way it is. She needs me and so does Jax. I won’t just abandon them. I’m not that kind of person.” I held my breath as I waited for him to say something, anything. “I wouldn’t take back what happened between us for anything, Tucker.”
“Then why did you run?”
“Tucker, the sky is the limit for you. My limit is the tattered fence around this trailer park.”
“Please don’t talk like that.”
“Tucker, you know that I’m only holding you back. . . . I can’t do that to you. . . .” I could hear footsteps coming down the hall, and fear washed over me. “I have to go.”
I hung up before he could respond. My heart immediately felt empty and I felt the pain of sadness in my chest. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and rehid the phone deep inside my closet. I finished pulling off my clothes and slipped on an old T-shirt and shorts.
I walked out to the living room and sat on the couch, eyeing my mother. A few seconds later, Jackson emerged from the bathroom and took the seat next to me. His arm extended behind me and he pulled me into his side. I wanted to pull away, but the closeness felt good in a moment when I felt so fragile. My eyes fixed on the television, which was now showing a college football game. I let my eyes fall closed and imagined I was in Tucker’s arms.
I passed out immediately from exhaustion, not dreaming of anything. It was some very much needed rest. I awoke lying on the couch, pulled into Jackson’s arms. I almost woke him when I gasped, expecting to see Tucker’s face instead of my boyfriend’s. Guilt consumed me once again for thinking of another man while in Jackson’s embrace. No one deserved that type of deceit, not even Jax. I couldn’t help but feel so conflicted it made me nauseated. I pushed Tucker to the back of my mind, vowing to keep his memory hidden like the pretty little dresses I buried in the back of my closet. Jax stirred and his arms tightened around me. I could feel his excitement from our closeness. I slowly pulled my body from his, not wanting to be pressed against him when he did wake up. I couldn’t sleep with him after what I had done with Tucker. Maybe one day I would be able to forgive myself and move on with my life, but that day was not today.
I slid off the couch and landed less than gracefully on the floor. Jax groaned and rolled over so his back was now facing me. I breathed a sigh of relief and pushed off the floor. I needed coffee and I needed lots of it.
I stumbled into the kitchen and began to prepare a fresh pot, and my mother came down the hallway.
“Morning.” She was smiling as she took a spot at the kitchen table. I raised an eyebrow at her but didn’t respond. All these years I needed a mother and was forced to deal with my problems by myself. Now she was coming around and I could barely say two words to her. I knew her newfound sobriety wasn’t by choice, but because Tom Fullerton was keeping his distance from Jax after their heated skirmish. In time he would show his face again and my mother would be a lost cause. There was nothing I could do now. I had no savings, no way out.
I poured the coffee and took the steaming mugs over to the table. She was shaking and looked to be in physical pain. I sat down and took a small sip from my cup.
