White Trash Beautiful
Page 21
“More tea, Mama?” I held the plastic teakettle adorned with pink roses in front of my mother.
“Of course, dear.” She smiled brightly as she tucked a long strand of my hair behind my ear. My tiny hands shook under the weight of the pot as I poured sweet tea into her glass, spilling drops onto the table.
“Let me help you, sweet girl.”
“Thanks, Mama.”
“That’s what I’m here for, baby.”
“You okay?”
She looked like absolute hell, but she wasn’t high. She nodded once and tried to steady her hands so she could drink.
“How is work?” She was making an attempt at small talk, and for some reason it pissed me off. It wasn’t fair. All these years. Why now? Now, when I had secrets I couldn’t possibly share. I cringed as I selfishly wished today of all days she were lost in a drug-induced daydream. A part of me even wished I had kept my savings a secret. I would feel less guilty about what I had done to Jax if drugs were still their number one priority. But now everything had changed—and stayed the same. Locking me into a twilight zone of never-ending misery.
“It’s work, Mom. You should try it sometime.” I rolled my eyes and took a long sip from my drink. She looked down at her mug and nodded once. I felt like such a jerk. I knew she was hurting. On the inside and the outside, but I couldn’t help but be angry at her. I pushed back from my seat and made my way to the counter to freshen my coffee.
“Everything okay with you?”
I leaned against the counter and forced myself to calm down before answering. “You don’t get to ask that now, Mom. You don’t get to just pretend everything is okay. It’s not. It’s not okay.” The tears threatened to fall again, and I mentally cursed myself for being so weak.
“You’re right.” She got up from the table and walked down the hall to her room, slamming the door behind her. I sighed and let my shoulders sag as the sobs rippled through me. I completely lost control of my emotions and simply wept.
I grabbed a rag and began to angrily wash the dishes in the sink as my tears continued to fall. It was therapeutic, and the trailer would be a little cleaner when I was finished.
I scrubbed everything harder than necessary and even ran the rag over the counters and the table for good measure. By the time I had finished, the tears had stopped and I felt that I could finally speak to my mother. I laid the rag over the faucet and wiped my hands on the back of my shorts to dry them.
The trip down the hallway felt like the walk down death row. My mother wasn’t a bad person. She suffered from a broken heart. The drugs and the depression were just a side effect. She was trying. I knocked on her door and waited for a response. She didn’t say anything, so I leaned my ear against the door and listened. I could hear a few muffled sniffles. I turned the handle and pushed the door open to see her curled in the fetal position on her bed.
“Mom . . .” I sat down next to her on the bed and leaned my back against the metal frame.
“I’m sorry, Cass.” Her fingers stroked my hair gently. I didn’t pull away, didn’t respond.
“You ever feel like you just want to get away from this place? To leave and find somewhere new to live?” I paused but she didn’t respond. “I guess that is what’s been bothering me. Things with Jax are just . . .” I shook my head and started again. “Things have been bad here for a long time. I know he isn’t in his right mind when he’s using, but that doesn’t mean I should have to deal with it, ya know?”
Her fingers continued to comb their way through my hair.
“I had saved some money.” My heart sank as I thought of what was left of it. “But it’s gone now. I can make it back though. It will take some time, but I can fix it.” I turned to glance at her over my shoulder.
She had a small smile on her lips and it encouraged me further. I twisted back so she could continue to play with my hair and I wouldn’t have to look her in the eye as I spilled my soul.
“Jax is wrong for laying a hand on you, baby.” Her words didn’t change the past. They didn’t make any of this better, but my heart finally didn’t feel as if it were being squeezed. I nodded and ran the backs of my hands over my eyes.
“I met someone,” I whispered, terrified of her response.
“Is he kind to you?”
“Yes.” I smiled at the thought of Tucker. “He was. He’s gone now.”
Her hand rubbed over my head in gentle strokes to comfort me. “Men are hard to keep around. It’s in their nature to roam. Jax ain’t been the best to you, but he’s here.” She was trying to make me feel better, and I knew she was thinking of Daddy and how he’d abandoned us.
“You can’t just leave us. What will I tell Cassie?” I could hear my mother’s voice shake as I hid in the darkness of the hallway.
“Tell her I’m going to find a better job. I’m not going forever. I’ll come back for you when I get things settled in New Orleans.”
“Take us with you.” She was begging and I wanted to run out and beg with her, but fear trapped me in that hallway.
“I told you, I can’t. When I get things set up, I’ll come back for you. I’ll send money every chance I get. This isn’t forever.”
“It feels like it’s good-bye.” A sob broke free from her throat as my father’s footsteps grew distant and the front door opened and closed. I tiptoed into the kitchen, dimly lit by the light over the stove. When my mother’s eyes caught mine, they were swollen and rimmed in red from her tears.
She picked me up into her arms, rocking back and forth.
“Where did Daddy go?” My own eyes began to water, not fully understanding the situation.
“Daddy went to work in a faraway land so he could get a big castle for his princess to live in.”
I waited up night after night for my father to return. Every night my mother would tell me stories of how great he was and that it wouldn’t be much longer. But that day never came. We never got our happily ever after.
“Maybe it’d be better if Jax wasn’t.”
She didn’t respond.
I pushed up and cleared my throat. As I moved for the door to leave her room, she finally spoke.
“I’d like to hear more sometime. About this boy.”
I nodded and left her room, pulling the door closed behind me.
It felt good to finally tell someone about Tucker, even if I didn’t say his name. I’m not sure I could have without breaking down. I could help my mother get better and maybe she could help me get through this heartache.
I made my way down the hall and tiptoed by Jackson, who was still out cold. I slipped out of the trailer and made my way to the diner. I had a glimpse of who my mother used to be, and I wasn’t going to let that slip away. At least that part of my plan could still happen.
I stepped into the front door of the diner and made my way to the stack of pamphlets and business cards that sat on a side table near the door. I thumbed through them until I found the pamphlet labeled “Narcotics Anonymous.” I folded the paper in half and slipped it into my back pocket before searching for Larry. He was in the kitchen cleaning off his grill.
“Payday!” I shot him a smile, and he mumbled something rude under his breath. He walked over to his desk in the corner and dug through a few envelopes before pulling out one labeled “Cass.” He held it out to me and I grabbed it eagerly, but he didn’t let it go.
“That boyfriend of yours needs to stay away from here, Cass. He causes nothing but trouble.” He gave me a stern look. I nodded and he released the check.
“Thanks, Larry.” I knew the check would barely be anything, but every bit would help.
I skipped back to the trailer feeling that maybe things could get better. I deserved a better life. And if Mama was willing to sober up, then I could help us leave this place.
I made my way into my bedroom and dug my secret phone from my closet. After listening to make sure no one was around, I dialed the number on the front of the pamphlet. I found out that NA had several groups that met a few times a week. They met in the back room at the church out on Maple Street, a few blocks down the highway. We could walk there with no problem.
I was overjoyed. I couldn’t wait to tell Mom. Jax was a different story. I knew he could benefit from the meetings, but he would think I was calling him weak and that could end badly for me.
One problem at a time. I wiped my finger over the screen of the phone and noticed a little icon with a red number 1 above it. I touched it with my finger and it opened a message folder.
I can still smell you all over me. I can’t stop thinking about you.—Tuck
My heart did a somersault as I reread the message. I chewed on my lip as I typed out a quick reply.
When is your concert?
I held the phone in my hand as if it would do a magic trick. I couldn’t believe I could sit here and talk with Tucker whenever I wanted. It beeped, startling me, and I clicked the icon.
Concert’s tonight. I wish you could be here.
My pace quickened.
Maybe next time.
I hit SEND and wished I could take it back. I shouldn’t have said that knowing I would probably never get to see him again. It wasn’t good for either of us. I tucked the phone away in the closet and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and hair. There was an NA meeting today and I wanted to make sure my mother was there. I got ready as fast as I could, avoiding eye contact with myself in the mirror. I was torn between missing Tucker and hating myself for falling for him. I knew time would make all of this go away, but the waiting was killing me. An hour felt like a lifetime. At least now I could focus on my mother.
I splashed cold water on my face and let it run down my neck as I closed my eyes and forced Tucker out of my thoughts.
When I left the bathroom, I ran into Jackson in the hall. He didn’t appear to be completely wasted out of his mind, but he was certainly not suffering the pain of withdrawal like my mother.
“Hey.” He smiled and his hands slipped around my waist as we turned to switch places. The hallway was incredibly narrow.
“Hi.” I smiled and surprised myself as my cheeks burned from a slight blush. He had a playful tone to his voice, a welcome sound. He slipped into the bathroom and glanced back at me, winking before closing the door. A tiny spark ignited in my belly and I smiled. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as I thought. I made up my mind that I would ask him to go to the meeting with us later. The worst he could say was no. That was a lie. The worst he could do was hit me, but I shook that thought from my mind and made my way to my mother’s bedroom.
I knocked and waited for a response. When none came, I pushed open the door. She was sleeping in the middle of her bed with her knees pulled to her chest and covered in a thin coating of sweat.
“Mom,” I whispered, and shook her shoulder gently. It took a few more tries before her eyes flew open. She stared through me as if she had no idea who I was before her eyes focused and she pulled completely from her nightmare.
“Cass.” She rubbed her hands over her face several times before sitting up. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I just . . . I have somewhere I want us to go.”
“I can’t go anywhere, Cass. I look a mess.” She combed her fingers through her tangled dark-blond hair.
“It’s fine, Mom. You look fine.” I smiled and grabbed her hand to help pull her up. She began to follow me out into the hall.
“Where are you taking me?”
“There’s a meeting out at Cobbler’s Church.” I bit nervously at my nails.
“A meeting? You know I’m not into that organized religion.”
“It’s not a service. It’s an NA meeting.”
Her feet stopped moving and I turned to face her.
“I don’t need . . . I’m fine, Cass.” She crossed her arms over her chest in defiance like a child.
“You’re not fine, Mom. None of us is fine and we need to heal. This family is broken. I need you to help me fix it.” I had put it all out there for her. I hoped she would take the olive branch and help me make things better. I knew if she didn’t, this family would crumble, and I couldn’t hold it up any longer on my own. I was tired. I had no fight left in me. And now I had so far to go to earn back the money that had just paid off Jax’s drug debt.
I waited as she thought over my words. I knew she felt horrible and would rather curl up and be miserable, but her feet began to move forward and she pushed by me into the living room.
“Well, we better get moving then,” she said.
The smile on my face could have lit the entire city of Savannah. My heart felt as if it were fusing back together and was no longer lodged in the pit of my stomach.
At that moment Jax came into the room. “Where are you headed?” He gave my mom a look of confusion.
She didn’t respond.
“We’re going to a meeting at the church. An NA meeting. You wanna come?” I stepped toward him, the smile on my face growing smaller, but still there.
He laughed long and hard in my face before waving his hand at me. “You go. Have fun.” He sank down on the couch and flicked through the channels on the television.
I knew it was pointless to argue, so I turned back to my mother and ushered her through the door. I would work on Jax later. For now, I needed to make sure, at the very least, she got better.
Chapter Twenty
MY NAME IS Anne and I’m an addict.” She fumbled with the tissue in her hand as she let that confession sink in. “I’d always taken a liking to prescriptions. What was the harm? If a doctor could give them out . . .” She glanced at me as she cleared her throat. “I began taking them for the pain in my hands. I used to be a hairdresser.” She smiled but it quickly faded.
“Of course, dear.” She smiled brightly as she tucked a long strand of my hair behind my ear. My tiny hands shook under the weight of the pot as I poured sweet tea into her glass, spilling drops onto the table.
“Let me help you, sweet girl.”
“Thanks, Mama.”
“That’s what I’m here for, baby.”
“You okay?”
She looked like absolute hell, but she wasn’t high. She nodded once and tried to steady her hands so she could drink.
“How is work?” She was making an attempt at small talk, and for some reason it pissed me off. It wasn’t fair. All these years. Why now? Now, when I had secrets I couldn’t possibly share. I cringed as I selfishly wished today of all days she were lost in a drug-induced daydream. A part of me even wished I had kept my savings a secret. I would feel less guilty about what I had done to Jax if drugs were still their number one priority. But now everything had changed—and stayed the same. Locking me into a twilight zone of never-ending misery.
“It’s work, Mom. You should try it sometime.” I rolled my eyes and took a long sip from my drink. She looked down at her mug and nodded once. I felt like such a jerk. I knew she was hurting. On the inside and the outside, but I couldn’t help but be angry at her. I pushed back from my seat and made my way to the counter to freshen my coffee.
“Everything okay with you?”
I leaned against the counter and forced myself to calm down before answering. “You don’t get to ask that now, Mom. You don’t get to just pretend everything is okay. It’s not. It’s not okay.” The tears threatened to fall again, and I mentally cursed myself for being so weak.
“You’re right.” She got up from the table and walked down the hall to her room, slamming the door behind her. I sighed and let my shoulders sag as the sobs rippled through me. I completely lost control of my emotions and simply wept.
I grabbed a rag and began to angrily wash the dishes in the sink as my tears continued to fall. It was therapeutic, and the trailer would be a little cleaner when I was finished.
I scrubbed everything harder than necessary and even ran the rag over the counters and the table for good measure. By the time I had finished, the tears had stopped and I felt that I could finally speak to my mother. I laid the rag over the faucet and wiped my hands on the back of my shorts to dry them.
The trip down the hallway felt like the walk down death row. My mother wasn’t a bad person. She suffered from a broken heart. The drugs and the depression were just a side effect. She was trying. I knocked on her door and waited for a response. She didn’t say anything, so I leaned my ear against the door and listened. I could hear a few muffled sniffles. I turned the handle and pushed the door open to see her curled in the fetal position on her bed.
“Mom . . .” I sat down next to her on the bed and leaned my back against the metal frame.
“I’m sorry, Cass.” Her fingers stroked my hair gently. I didn’t pull away, didn’t respond.
“You ever feel like you just want to get away from this place? To leave and find somewhere new to live?” I paused but she didn’t respond. “I guess that is what’s been bothering me. Things with Jax are just . . .” I shook my head and started again. “Things have been bad here for a long time. I know he isn’t in his right mind when he’s using, but that doesn’t mean I should have to deal with it, ya know?”
Her fingers continued to comb their way through my hair.
“I had saved some money.” My heart sank as I thought of what was left of it. “But it’s gone now. I can make it back though. It will take some time, but I can fix it.” I turned to glance at her over my shoulder.
She had a small smile on her lips and it encouraged me further. I twisted back so she could continue to play with my hair and I wouldn’t have to look her in the eye as I spilled my soul.
“Jax is wrong for laying a hand on you, baby.” Her words didn’t change the past. They didn’t make any of this better, but my heart finally didn’t feel as if it were being squeezed. I nodded and ran the backs of my hands over my eyes.
“I met someone,” I whispered, terrified of her response.
“Is he kind to you?”
“Yes.” I smiled at the thought of Tucker. “He was. He’s gone now.”
Her hand rubbed over my head in gentle strokes to comfort me. “Men are hard to keep around. It’s in their nature to roam. Jax ain’t been the best to you, but he’s here.” She was trying to make me feel better, and I knew she was thinking of Daddy and how he’d abandoned us.
“You can’t just leave us. What will I tell Cassie?” I could hear my mother’s voice shake as I hid in the darkness of the hallway.
“Tell her I’m going to find a better job. I’m not going forever. I’ll come back for you when I get things settled in New Orleans.”
“Take us with you.” She was begging and I wanted to run out and beg with her, but fear trapped me in that hallway.
“I told you, I can’t. When I get things set up, I’ll come back for you. I’ll send money every chance I get. This isn’t forever.”
“It feels like it’s good-bye.” A sob broke free from her throat as my father’s footsteps grew distant and the front door opened and closed. I tiptoed into the kitchen, dimly lit by the light over the stove. When my mother’s eyes caught mine, they were swollen and rimmed in red from her tears.
She picked me up into her arms, rocking back and forth.
“Where did Daddy go?” My own eyes began to water, not fully understanding the situation.
“Daddy went to work in a faraway land so he could get a big castle for his princess to live in.”
I waited up night after night for my father to return. Every night my mother would tell me stories of how great he was and that it wouldn’t be much longer. But that day never came. We never got our happily ever after.
“Maybe it’d be better if Jax wasn’t.”
She didn’t respond.
I pushed up and cleared my throat. As I moved for the door to leave her room, she finally spoke.
“I’d like to hear more sometime. About this boy.”
I nodded and left her room, pulling the door closed behind me.
It felt good to finally tell someone about Tucker, even if I didn’t say his name. I’m not sure I could have without breaking down. I could help my mother get better and maybe she could help me get through this heartache.
I made my way down the hall and tiptoed by Jackson, who was still out cold. I slipped out of the trailer and made my way to the diner. I had a glimpse of who my mother used to be, and I wasn’t going to let that slip away. At least that part of my plan could still happen.
I stepped into the front door of the diner and made my way to the stack of pamphlets and business cards that sat on a side table near the door. I thumbed through them until I found the pamphlet labeled “Narcotics Anonymous.” I folded the paper in half and slipped it into my back pocket before searching for Larry. He was in the kitchen cleaning off his grill.
“Payday!” I shot him a smile, and he mumbled something rude under his breath. He walked over to his desk in the corner and dug through a few envelopes before pulling out one labeled “Cass.” He held it out to me and I grabbed it eagerly, but he didn’t let it go.
“That boyfriend of yours needs to stay away from here, Cass. He causes nothing but trouble.” He gave me a stern look. I nodded and he released the check.
“Thanks, Larry.” I knew the check would barely be anything, but every bit would help.
I skipped back to the trailer feeling that maybe things could get better. I deserved a better life. And if Mama was willing to sober up, then I could help us leave this place.
I made my way into my bedroom and dug my secret phone from my closet. After listening to make sure no one was around, I dialed the number on the front of the pamphlet. I found out that NA had several groups that met a few times a week. They met in the back room at the church out on Maple Street, a few blocks down the highway. We could walk there with no problem.
I was overjoyed. I couldn’t wait to tell Mom. Jax was a different story. I knew he could benefit from the meetings, but he would think I was calling him weak and that could end badly for me.
One problem at a time. I wiped my finger over the screen of the phone and noticed a little icon with a red number 1 above it. I touched it with my finger and it opened a message folder.
I can still smell you all over me. I can’t stop thinking about you.—Tuck
My heart did a somersault as I reread the message. I chewed on my lip as I typed out a quick reply.
When is your concert?
I held the phone in my hand as if it would do a magic trick. I couldn’t believe I could sit here and talk with Tucker whenever I wanted. It beeped, startling me, and I clicked the icon.
Concert’s tonight. I wish you could be here.
My pace quickened.
Maybe next time.
I hit SEND and wished I could take it back. I shouldn’t have said that knowing I would probably never get to see him again. It wasn’t good for either of us. I tucked the phone away in the closet and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and hair. There was an NA meeting today and I wanted to make sure my mother was there. I got ready as fast as I could, avoiding eye contact with myself in the mirror. I was torn between missing Tucker and hating myself for falling for him. I knew time would make all of this go away, but the waiting was killing me. An hour felt like a lifetime. At least now I could focus on my mother.
I splashed cold water on my face and let it run down my neck as I closed my eyes and forced Tucker out of my thoughts.
When I left the bathroom, I ran into Jackson in the hall. He didn’t appear to be completely wasted out of his mind, but he was certainly not suffering the pain of withdrawal like my mother.
“Hey.” He smiled and his hands slipped around my waist as we turned to switch places. The hallway was incredibly narrow.
“Hi.” I smiled and surprised myself as my cheeks burned from a slight blush. He had a playful tone to his voice, a welcome sound. He slipped into the bathroom and glanced back at me, winking before closing the door. A tiny spark ignited in my belly and I smiled. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as I thought. I made up my mind that I would ask him to go to the meeting with us later. The worst he could say was no. That was a lie. The worst he could do was hit me, but I shook that thought from my mind and made my way to my mother’s bedroom.
I knocked and waited for a response. When none came, I pushed open the door. She was sleeping in the middle of her bed with her knees pulled to her chest and covered in a thin coating of sweat.
“Mom,” I whispered, and shook her shoulder gently. It took a few more tries before her eyes flew open. She stared through me as if she had no idea who I was before her eyes focused and she pulled completely from her nightmare.
“Cass.” She rubbed her hands over her face several times before sitting up. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I just . . . I have somewhere I want us to go.”
“I can’t go anywhere, Cass. I look a mess.” She combed her fingers through her tangled dark-blond hair.
“It’s fine, Mom. You look fine.” I smiled and grabbed her hand to help pull her up. She began to follow me out into the hall.
“Where are you taking me?”
“There’s a meeting out at Cobbler’s Church.” I bit nervously at my nails.
“A meeting? You know I’m not into that organized religion.”
“It’s not a service. It’s an NA meeting.”
Her feet stopped moving and I turned to face her.
“I don’t need . . . I’m fine, Cass.” She crossed her arms over her chest in defiance like a child.
“You’re not fine, Mom. None of us is fine and we need to heal. This family is broken. I need you to help me fix it.” I had put it all out there for her. I hoped she would take the olive branch and help me make things better. I knew if she didn’t, this family would crumble, and I couldn’t hold it up any longer on my own. I was tired. I had no fight left in me. And now I had so far to go to earn back the money that had just paid off Jax’s drug debt.
I waited as she thought over my words. I knew she felt horrible and would rather curl up and be miserable, but her feet began to move forward and she pushed by me into the living room.
“Well, we better get moving then,” she said.
The smile on my face could have lit the entire city of Savannah. My heart felt as if it were fusing back together and was no longer lodged in the pit of my stomach.
At that moment Jax came into the room. “Where are you headed?” He gave my mom a look of confusion.
She didn’t respond.
“We’re going to a meeting at the church. An NA meeting. You wanna come?” I stepped toward him, the smile on my face growing smaller, but still there.
He laughed long and hard in my face before waving his hand at me. “You go. Have fun.” He sank down on the couch and flicked through the channels on the television.
I knew it was pointless to argue, so I turned back to my mother and ushered her through the door. I would work on Jax later. For now, I needed to make sure, at the very least, she got better.
Chapter Twenty
MY NAME IS Anne and I’m an addict.” She fumbled with the tissue in her hand as she let that confession sink in. “I’d always taken a liking to prescriptions. What was the harm? If a doctor could give them out . . .” She glanced at me as she cleared her throat. “I began taking them for the pain in my hands. I used to be a hairdresser.” She smiled but it quickly faded.
