White Trash Beautiful
Page 23
When he had disappeared, I wiped my hands on my shorts and made my way back to my bedroom. I pulled on a dark tank top and a pair of jean shorts. I grabbed a twenty out of my bear and slipped it deep in my pocket.
“I’m gonna go get us food for later,” I called, and made my way out into the sunshine. It certainly didn’t seem as if a storm was coming. I tilted my head to the sky and let the rays warm my skin.
I made my way out of the trailer park and up to the main road. It was only a five-minute walk to Stewart Grocery, our local grocery store. It was a perfect day for a walk. There was no humidity hanging heavy in the air. In fact, there was a pleasant breeze.
The highway was slightly busier than usual with people wanting to evacuate for the hurricane before a mandatory evacuation notice was put into place. The storm wasn’t set to make landfall on the eastern coast of Florida until tomorrow, but the outer bands should be hitting us late in the evening.
I made my way into the small store and glanced around. The shelves were practically bare. That was usual whenever a storm was approaching. I found the bread aisle and settled on a bag of rolls because the normal loaves had long since been cleared out. My stomach growled as I grabbed a jar of peanut butter and some strawberry jelly. Jackson’s favorite. Next, I made my way to the beverage aisle and picked up a bottle of wine. It wasn’t anything fancy and only cost $5, but it tasted fruity and I knew it would be a nice touch. I picked up a peach on my way to the register to eat on the way.
I checked out and made my way back into the sunshine with a smile on my face. When Jax and I were kids we would sneak out all the time and have little picnics together. It was the only time I felt as if I escaped my life. All that mattered was him. A lot of things had changed since then, and we both knew that being adults did not fix any problems. If anything, things got harder. A lot harder.
“Jax!” I hoisted the grocery bags onto the kitchen counter and made my way down the hall. “Jax?” I knocked on the bathroom door, but all I heard was a mumble. I slowly opened it, not wanting to disturb him, but to let him know what I had gotten for our trip.
“Oh my God!” Jax was on the floor, slumped to his side. Orange, stretchy tubing was still around his arm, and he held a needle in the opposite hand.
He slowly turned his head toward me. “It’s just a little. I’m fine. We can still go,” he mumbled and then his vision went unfocused as his high took over.
I slammed the door behind me and ran into my room. To hell with what was fair to Jax. This wasn’t fair to me. I couldn’t believe I’d let myself be fooled by Jax. Again.
Suddenly, the delicate sense of hope that had been keeping me afloat—keeping me from Tucker—for the last few months shattered, along with any remaining sense of loyalty that I felt to Jax. It suddenly became all too clear to me that Jax had no real desire to change, and even the force of my will couldn’t resurrect that boy who once took me fishing, once made me feel safe.
I grabbed all of my things from my room, shoving cash into my purse. I pulled out my phone to send Tucker a message.
I am on my way.
I made my way to my mother’s room and handed her the phone. “If you need anything, call the number in this phone. I’ll be home later. I love you.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead and left.
Chapter Twenty-One
THE CAB RIDE seemed to last forever. Hilton Head was about an hour and a half away, and I knew this ride would cost a fortune, but it was worth every penny. I had forced myself to stay away from Tucker and it was all for nothing.
It broke my heart to think of what I had put Tucker through because I thought it was the right thing to do. I was an idiot. All I ever worried about was everyone else. I never put myself first, and I was tired. It was my turn.
As the cab pulled up to the hotel, I nearly jumped out the door before we stopped.
Tucker stood just a few feet from the cab in low-slung, dark wash jeans and a deep gray T-shirt that hugged the expanse of his chest. I handed my money to the cabdriver and flew out the door. Tucker held out his arms for me and I ran into them, jumping and locking my legs around his waist. It felt so good to touch him again. He squeezed me tightly as he kissed my hair over and over. The stubble from his unshaven face tickled my cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Tucker. I am so sorry.” I kissed his neck.
“Shh . . . It’s okay. You’re here now, sweetheart.” He stroked my hair as I slowly slid my legs down his body and stood on my tiptoes. He pulled back from me with hands on either side of my face. The pads of his thumbs wiped away my happy tears. I leaned my face into his hand, kissing his palm.
“I missed you so much,” I whispered.
He laughed and a smile spread across his face, deepening his dimples. He pulled my face closer and placed a kiss to my forehead.
“Come on.” His fingers laced in mine and we walked inside the lobby of the hotel to the elevator. He slid his card and wrapped his arms around me from behind. I sank my body into his and closed my eyes and inhaled the smell of coconut. I felt safe.
The elevator dinged and the doors opened much too quickly. I didn’t want to move. I opened my eyes to see that we were already at his room. The walls were painted a chocolate brown accented by light blue fixtures and paintings. A small kitchen had tan, speckled countertops and a stainless-steel fridge tucked away in the left corner. A small brown couch was against the right wall, and straight ahead was the doorway to the bedroom.
“Wow,” I said with shock as I took a step forward to leave the elevator.
“I upgraded when I found out you were coming. Do you like it?”
“It’s incredible. You didn’t have to do this.” I shook my head and he smiled, running his hands over his hair.
He reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear and winked at me. “I would do anything for you, Cass.” My knees went weak with his words. He took one step, closing the gap between us, and his hands circled around my back. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me, too.”
His lips brushed over mine, and as his eyes continued to search mine, he softly pressed against me. My fingers slid over his hard chest and up his neck to pull him closer. He coaxed my mouth open with his tongue, which I happily accepted.
The elevator doors shot open and a man cleared his throat, making me jump and pull away from Tucker.
He laughed and turned to the man. “Just leave it by the bed.”
The man pushed his cart full of food into the room as I gave Tucker a quizzical look.
“Hungry?”
My stomach growled as the smell of the food filled the air. I had been so wrapped up in Tucker, I didn’t even realize I hadn’t eaten yet today. “Very.”
He placed his hand on the small of my back and led me to the giant bed. The room had a small table, but I wasn’t going to complain about being alone with Tucker in a bedroom.
Tucker tipped the man, who thanked him and left the room. Tucker pulled the silver domes off the plates of food, revealing a smorgasbord of things to eat. My eyes roamed over the chicken leg that was so big I wondered where they found an animal that large. The steak looked mouthwateringly juicy. Another platter was stacked high with sandwiches cut into triangles and arranged among stacks of exotic fruits chopped into tiny pieces. I reached over and lifted one of the forks, shocked by its heaviness. The handle had intricate flowers carved into it. I’d never seen anything like it before.
“I didn’t know what you liked so I ordered everything that looked good.” His lips quirked into a devilish grin.
“Looks amazing.” I leaned over to inhale the scent of the steak, but my stomach revolted and I felt that I was going to be sick.
“Oh, God!” I jumped off the bed and made my way to the first door I could find. Luckily it was the master bathroom. I bolted for the toilet and clung to either side of the seat as my stomach twisted and I gagged, heaving the contents.
“Are you all right?” Tucker was behind me, gathering my hair as I continued to heave, though I hadn’t even eaten today. Tucker reached over me and pushed the handle. “Are you still sick?” He got up and filled a cup from the counter with water. I shook my head no and took the glass, taking small sips.
He ran his hand over my hair a few times, his brows drawn together.
“It’s nothing. It comes and goes.”
“Have you been to a doctor?”
I rolled my eyes at the question. Of course I hadn’t been to a doctor. Who could afford the outrageous bills or missing a day of work?
“It’s just stress.”
“If I’d known you were still sick, I wouldn’t have asked you to come.”
My heart sank at his words just as my stomach turned again, sending me lurching for the commode. “Oh, God.” I rested my head against the cold porcelain.
“Maybe I should call Dorris.”
“No.” I pushed myself up, immediately feeling light-headed. Tucker wrapped his arm around my waist to keep me steady. “She already doesn’t like me very much.”
“She likes you, she is just . . . overprotective.” He laughed and I rolled my eyes.
“It’s good that she protects you.” I was glad he had someone looking out for him.
“Who protects you, Cass?”
“I do.” He turned me around to face him, placing his palms on either side of my face.
“Well, now I do.” He tucked my hair behind my ear. His beautiful face was wrought with concern. I nodded slowly and he pulled me closer, kissing me on the forehead. “Lie down.” He led me to the king-size bed and helped lower me down as if I might break. He slid his body in behind mine, pulling my back against his chest. His lips placed light kisses on my shoulder. “I wish I could take away all of your pain.”
“You do.” I smiled, thinking about the last time Tucker and I were in a hotel room alone together. I pushed my backside into him and he let out a laugh. “I’ve never felt the way I do with you with anyone else. No one has ever cared about what I wanted, how I felt . . .” I let my words trail off, unsure how to reveal to him that making love to him felt like the first time for me.
I focused on the lamp on the bedside table. It looked as if it had been smashed to shards on purpose and glued back together. That was how I had felt, as if my life had been shattered into a million pieces and Tucker was the glue that was holding me together when I wanted to fall apart.
He buried his face in my neck. I stared blankly at the lamp and counted the pieces of broken glass. When he pulled his body back from mine, I immediately felt empty because of the distance between us.
“I’ll be right back. I just need a minute.” He stood and turned to leave the bedroom but stopped short of the door. “Are you going to be okay without me?”
I nodded and he left quickly. I pushed up from the bed and made my way to the sink to freshen myself up. My skin was pale and I looked about as bad as I felt. I grabbed the toothpaste and squeezed some on my finger to clean my teeth and finished with a miniature bottle of mouthwash. I turned the water on cold and splashed it on my face.
“Confess your sins and be washed clean by the love of Christ.”
I stepped forward, my hand curled in my mother’s. I glanced up at her and she squeezed my fingers reassuringly. She released me and stepped back as I stared at the preacher, who towered over me.
I cupped my hands and dipped them in the icy water. He smiled down at me and I was cast aside for the next in line. I didn’t feel any different, but I hoped that whatever I had done to cause my father to leave us would now be forgiven so I could have him back with me. I just wanted to be happy again.
I heard the elevator ding and slowly left the bathroom looking for Tucker. He was holding a small bag and handing the attendant from earlier some cash. Tucker clapped his hand on the man’s shoulder and thanked him before turning and locking eyes with me, lowering his gaze as he made his way back across the room.
He made it halfway before his phone began to ring. He tossed the bag on the bed and picked up the receiver. “Hello?”
I sat down on the edge of the bed and looked over the food cart for something that wouldn’t make me sick.
Tucker turned his back to me and his tone turned quieter. “No. I’ll be right down. Thanks.” He hung up the phone.
I grabbed a handful of grapes and popped one in my mouth.
Tucker ran his hands through his hair and was squeezing his eyes closed.
“Everything all right?”
“It will be.” He pulled my head toward him and kissed me quickly on the top of the head.
“Hurry back.” I smiled weakly and popped another grape in my mouth. Tucker left the bedroom, and a few seconds later I heard the familiar ding of the elevator.
I reached into the bag that Tucker had left on the bed and pulled out a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. I unscrewed the cap and drank down a third of the bottle, praying it would not come back up.
I reached behind me for the small bag and pulled it onto my lap. I opened it and found three boxes all labeled pregnancy test. I dropped the bag on the floor in front of me, and the contents spilled out. My hand immediately shot to my mouth. I couldn’t be.
It wasn’t possible.
Even as I thought it, I knew that wasn’t true. I was never good at remembering to take the Pill, and Jackson and I almost never touched each other anymore, so it had slipped my mind.
My head was starting to spin. I slid off the edge of the bed and sank onto my knees. I picked up one of the packages and read it over through teary eyes. My stomach twisted into knots. I gathered up the boxes and headed into the bathroom. There was no point in being scared of the tests. Either I was or I wasn’t. I needed to know as soon as possible.
“I’m gonna go get us food for later,” I called, and made my way out into the sunshine. It certainly didn’t seem as if a storm was coming. I tilted my head to the sky and let the rays warm my skin.
I made my way out of the trailer park and up to the main road. It was only a five-minute walk to Stewart Grocery, our local grocery store. It was a perfect day for a walk. There was no humidity hanging heavy in the air. In fact, there was a pleasant breeze.
The highway was slightly busier than usual with people wanting to evacuate for the hurricane before a mandatory evacuation notice was put into place. The storm wasn’t set to make landfall on the eastern coast of Florida until tomorrow, but the outer bands should be hitting us late in the evening.
I made my way into the small store and glanced around. The shelves were practically bare. That was usual whenever a storm was approaching. I found the bread aisle and settled on a bag of rolls because the normal loaves had long since been cleared out. My stomach growled as I grabbed a jar of peanut butter and some strawberry jelly. Jackson’s favorite. Next, I made my way to the beverage aisle and picked up a bottle of wine. It wasn’t anything fancy and only cost $5, but it tasted fruity and I knew it would be a nice touch. I picked up a peach on my way to the register to eat on the way.
I checked out and made my way back into the sunshine with a smile on my face. When Jax and I were kids we would sneak out all the time and have little picnics together. It was the only time I felt as if I escaped my life. All that mattered was him. A lot of things had changed since then, and we both knew that being adults did not fix any problems. If anything, things got harder. A lot harder.
“Jax!” I hoisted the grocery bags onto the kitchen counter and made my way down the hall. “Jax?” I knocked on the bathroom door, but all I heard was a mumble. I slowly opened it, not wanting to disturb him, but to let him know what I had gotten for our trip.
“Oh my God!” Jax was on the floor, slumped to his side. Orange, stretchy tubing was still around his arm, and he held a needle in the opposite hand.
He slowly turned his head toward me. “It’s just a little. I’m fine. We can still go,” he mumbled and then his vision went unfocused as his high took over.
I slammed the door behind me and ran into my room. To hell with what was fair to Jax. This wasn’t fair to me. I couldn’t believe I’d let myself be fooled by Jax. Again.
Suddenly, the delicate sense of hope that had been keeping me afloat—keeping me from Tucker—for the last few months shattered, along with any remaining sense of loyalty that I felt to Jax. It suddenly became all too clear to me that Jax had no real desire to change, and even the force of my will couldn’t resurrect that boy who once took me fishing, once made me feel safe.
I grabbed all of my things from my room, shoving cash into my purse. I pulled out my phone to send Tucker a message.
I am on my way.
I made my way to my mother’s room and handed her the phone. “If you need anything, call the number in this phone. I’ll be home later. I love you.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead and left.
Chapter Twenty-One
THE CAB RIDE seemed to last forever. Hilton Head was about an hour and a half away, and I knew this ride would cost a fortune, but it was worth every penny. I had forced myself to stay away from Tucker and it was all for nothing.
It broke my heart to think of what I had put Tucker through because I thought it was the right thing to do. I was an idiot. All I ever worried about was everyone else. I never put myself first, and I was tired. It was my turn.
As the cab pulled up to the hotel, I nearly jumped out the door before we stopped.
Tucker stood just a few feet from the cab in low-slung, dark wash jeans and a deep gray T-shirt that hugged the expanse of his chest. I handed my money to the cabdriver and flew out the door. Tucker held out his arms for me and I ran into them, jumping and locking my legs around his waist. It felt so good to touch him again. He squeezed me tightly as he kissed my hair over and over. The stubble from his unshaven face tickled my cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Tucker. I am so sorry.” I kissed his neck.
“Shh . . . It’s okay. You’re here now, sweetheart.” He stroked my hair as I slowly slid my legs down his body and stood on my tiptoes. He pulled back from me with hands on either side of my face. The pads of his thumbs wiped away my happy tears. I leaned my face into his hand, kissing his palm.
“I missed you so much,” I whispered.
He laughed and a smile spread across his face, deepening his dimples. He pulled my face closer and placed a kiss to my forehead.
“Come on.” His fingers laced in mine and we walked inside the lobby of the hotel to the elevator. He slid his card and wrapped his arms around me from behind. I sank my body into his and closed my eyes and inhaled the smell of coconut. I felt safe.
The elevator dinged and the doors opened much too quickly. I didn’t want to move. I opened my eyes to see that we were already at his room. The walls were painted a chocolate brown accented by light blue fixtures and paintings. A small kitchen had tan, speckled countertops and a stainless-steel fridge tucked away in the left corner. A small brown couch was against the right wall, and straight ahead was the doorway to the bedroom.
“Wow,” I said with shock as I took a step forward to leave the elevator.
“I upgraded when I found out you were coming. Do you like it?”
“It’s incredible. You didn’t have to do this.” I shook my head and he smiled, running his hands over his hair.
He reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear and winked at me. “I would do anything for you, Cass.” My knees went weak with his words. He took one step, closing the gap between us, and his hands circled around my back. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me, too.”
His lips brushed over mine, and as his eyes continued to search mine, he softly pressed against me. My fingers slid over his hard chest and up his neck to pull him closer. He coaxed my mouth open with his tongue, which I happily accepted.
The elevator doors shot open and a man cleared his throat, making me jump and pull away from Tucker.
He laughed and turned to the man. “Just leave it by the bed.”
The man pushed his cart full of food into the room as I gave Tucker a quizzical look.
“Hungry?”
My stomach growled as the smell of the food filled the air. I had been so wrapped up in Tucker, I didn’t even realize I hadn’t eaten yet today. “Very.”
He placed his hand on the small of my back and led me to the giant bed. The room had a small table, but I wasn’t going to complain about being alone with Tucker in a bedroom.
Tucker tipped the man, who thanked him and left the room. Tucker pulled the silver domes off the plates of food, revealing a smorgasbord of things to eat. My eyes roamed over the chicken leg that was so big I wondered where they found an animal that large. The steak looked mouthwateringly juicy. Another platter was stacked high with sandwiches cut into triangles and arranged among stacks of exotic fruits chopped into tiny pieces. I reached over and lifted one of the forks, shocked by its heaviness. The handle had intricate flowers carved into it. I’d never seen anything like it before.
“I didn’t know what you liked so I ordered everything that looked good.” His lips quirked into a devilish grin.
“Looks amazing.” I leaned over to inhale the scent of the steak, but my stomach revolted and I felt that I was going to be sick.
“Oh, God!” I jumped off the bed and made my way to the first door I could find. Luckily it was the master bathroom. I bolted for the toilet and clung to either side of the seat as my stomach twisted and I gagged, heaving the contents.
“Are you all right?” Tucker was behind me, gathering my hair as I continued to heave, though I hadn’t even eaten today. Tucker reached over me and pushed the handle. “Are you still sick?” He got up and filled a cup from the counter with water. I shook my head no and took the glass, taking small sips.
He ran his hand over my hair a few times, his brows drawn together.
“It’s nothing. It comes and goes.”
“Have you been to a doctor?”
I rolled my eyes at the question. Of course I hadn’t been to a doctor. Who could afford the outrageous bills or missing a day of work?
“It’s just stress.”
“If I’d known you were still sick, I wouldn’t have asked you to come.”
My heart sank at his words just as my stomach turned again, sending me lurching for the commode. “Oh, God.” I rested my head against the cold porcelain.
“Maybe I should call Dorris.”
“No.” I pushed myself up, immediately feeling light-headed. Tucker wrapped his arm around my waist to keep me steady. “She already doesn’t like me very much.”
“She likes you, she is just . . . overprotective.” He laughed and I rolled my eyes.
“It’s good that she protects you.” I was glad he had someone looking out for him.
“Who protects you, Cass?”
“I do.” He turned me around to face him, placing his palms on either side of my face.
“Well, now I do.” He tucked my hair behind my ear. His beautiful face was wrought with concern. I nodded slowly and he pulled me closer, kissing me on the forehead. “Lie down.” He led me to the king-size bed and helped lower me down as if I might break. He slid his body in behind mine, pulling my back against his chest. His lips placed light kisses on my shoulder. “I wish I could take away all of your pain.”
“You do.” I smiled, thinking about the last time Tucker and I were in a hotel room alone together. I pushed my backside into him and he let out a laugh. “I’ve never felt the way I do with you with anyone else. No one has ever cared about what I wanted, how I felt . . .” I let my words trail off, unsure how to reveal to him that making love to him felt like the first time for me.
I focused on the lamp on the bedside table. It looked as if it had been smashed to shards on purpose and glued back together. That was how I had felt, as if my life had been shattered into a million pieces and Tucker was the glue that was holding me together when I wanted to fall apart.
He buried his face in my neck. I stared blankly at the lamp and counted the pieces of broken glass. When he pulled his body back from mine, I immediately felt empty because of the distance between us.
“I’ll be right back. I just need a minute.” He stood and turned to leave the bedroom but stopped short of the door. “Are you going to be okay without me?”
I nodded and he left quickly. I pushed up from the bed and made my way to the sink to freshen myself up. My skin was pale and I looked about as bad as I felt. I grabbed the toothpaste and squeezed some on my finger to clean my teeth and finished with a miniature bottle of mouthwash. I turned the water on cold and splashed it on my face.
“Confess your sins and be washed clean by the love of Christ.”
I stepped forward, my hand curled in my mother’s. I glanced up at her and she squeezed my fingers reassuringly. She released me and stepped back as I stared at the preacher, who towered over me.
I cupped my hands and dipped them in the icy water. He smiled down at me and I was cast aside for the next in line. I didn’t feel any different, but I hoped that whatever I had done to cause my father to leave us would now be forgiven so I could have him back with me. I just wanted to be happy again.
I heard the elevator ding and slowly left the bathroom looking for Tucker. He was holding a small bag and handing the attendant from earlier some cash. Tucker clapped his hand on the man’s shoulder and thanked him before turning and locking eyes with me, lowering his gaze as he made his way back across the room.
He made it halfway before his phone began to ring. He tossed the bag on the bed and picked up the receiver. “Hello?”
I sat down on the edge of the bed and looked over the food cart for something that wouldn’t make me sick.
Tucker turned his back to me and his tone turned quieter. “No. I’ll be right down. Thanks.” He hung up the phone.
I grabbed a handful of grapes and popped one in my mouth.
Tucker ran his hands through his hair and was squeezing his eyes closed.
“Everything all right?”
“It will be.” He pulled my head toward him and kissed me quickly on the top of the head.
“Hurry back.” I smiled weakly and popped another grape in my mouth. Tucker left the bedroom, and a few seconds later I heard the familiar ding of the elevator.
I reached into the bag that Tucker had left on the bed and pulled out a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. I unscrewed the cap and drank down a third of the bottle, praying it would not come back up.
I reached behind me for the small bag and pulled it onto my lap. I opened it and found three boxes all labeled pregnancy test. I dropped the bag on the floor in front of me, and the contents spilled out. My hand immediately shot to my mouth. I couldn’t be.
It wasn’t possible.
Even as I thought it, I knew that wasn’t true. I was never good at remembering to take the Pill, and Jackson and I almost never touched each other anymore, so it had slipped my mind.
My head was starting to spin. I slid off the edge of the bed and sank onto my knees. I picked up one of the packages and read it over through teary eyes. My stomach twisted into knots. I gathered up the boxes and headed into the bathroom. There was no point in being scared of the tests. Either I was or I wasn’t. I needed to know as soon as possible.
