White Trash Love Song
Page 15
My heart thudded in my chest as the pad of his thumb ran over my lower lip. I felt my body leaning toward him as his gaze dipped to my mouth and back to my eyes. He pressed his forehead against mine, his eyes falling closed as mine did.
I felt emotionally exhausted. Spilling my secrets had been too much. “What are you thinking?” I whispered.
“You don’t want to know.” He laughed and shook his head.
I smacked him on the arm and pulled back from him. “You are such a perv.”
“I don’t get many complaints,” he joked, and suddenly I remembered. He was with Donna. All of a sudden, I’d never felt so exposed to anyone.
I was struggling not to let myself give in to what I was feeling. Every time he touched me, his fingers brushed against me, it ignited a fire inside me that spread clear down to my toes. I had never felt that with anyone before; my fear and guilt from my past had usually drowned out any other feelings for anyone.
“I’ve missed you.” The confession slipped out as I stared into his sad blue eyes. The corner of his mouth pulled into a smile, revealing one of his dimples. His arms slipped around my neck and he pulled me to him. I didn’t try to pull away.
“Is this okay?” he whispered into my hair as he hugged me. I could only nod because the feeling of him pressed against my body was overwhelming. I spread my fingers out over his sides, sighing as my palms flattened on the straining muscles of his back. “You have no idea how much I missed you, Sarah. So much.”
I closed my eyes and inhaled the unmistakable scent of E, Polo Sport and whiskey, as his chest rose and fell quickly against mine. I could feel his heart hammering in his chest in time with mine.
“Do you know how hard it is to stay away from you? I’ve been dying to pull you into my arms since the wedding.” His voice broke as he whispered his confession.
“You can’t say things like that.” The guilt of what I was feeling was killing me inside, but I didn’t have the strength to pull back from him. For a brief moment I was released from my cage.
“I’m sorry.” His lips moved against my cheek. He slowly pulled his body away from mine, and I immediately regretted what I’d said.
Without thinking I put my leg over his lap so I was straddling him. He groaned at the more intimate contact. I rested my forehead on his and my mouth fell open as my breathing increased. He never made a move to kiss me, but somehow this felt more intimate.
We sat perfectly still like this, enjoying the high of being so close. I could feel how much he wanted me as he pressed against my center. I brought my hands to his chest and placed my hand over his heart as it thumped against my fingertips. His hands moved up my thighs and the tips of his fingers slipped just under the edge of my shorts and over the thin scar I had put there.
“Sarah . . . ,” he growled, and I felt it through every inch of my body. I slowly opened my eyes, my breathing embarrassingly loud in the quiet room. “If you keep panting like that, I’m not going to be able to keep my hands off you.”
I looked into Eric’s eyes. The intensity of his gaze made me realize that I was getting in too deep. “I shouldn’t be here.”
His fingers slid to my h*ps and he held me firmly against him. My body sagged and my lips brushed over his as he spoke. “Stay with me. Just let me hold you.”
“You know I can’t.”
“Just for a little while longer.”
I moved my face so we were cheek to cheek and his heavy breaths blew across my ear.
The phone in the room began to ring and E’s fingers slid into my hair.
“Ignore it,” he panted.
I let my mouth fall open slightly, wishing that I could let go and take what I wanted.
Eventually, the noise stopped and E’s fingers continued to stroke my hair. “I want you.” His whispered confessions sounded deafening in the quiet space.
“E . . . don’t do that.” I didn’t want more guilt to carry around with me. I was already carrying more than most could handle. I was buckling under the weight.
“I won’t ever cross that line if that’s what you want from me. This is enough.”
I nodded, unable to respond as a lump formed in my throat. I could just be friends with E. It was better than the alternative, not having him in my life.
The phone rang again and his body grew rigid as he stared at me with wanting and sadness in his eyes.
“It could be important,” he groaned.
I only nodded, unable to form any coherent words. I pulled my body from his, and I was overcome with embarrassment and regret the moment we broke contact. I was going to be sick. What had I done? I had let E get close to me and Derek would never forgive me.
“What?” E asked angrily as he answered the phone. His eyes flicked to me and he rubbed his hand over his forehead. “How long?” After a pause he added, “Thanks, man.” Before he hung up the phone, his eyes danced over my body.
“What is it?” I asked, registering the sadness in his eyes.
“They guys are on their way back. . . .”
“Oh.” I was suddenly feeling overwhelmed with panic. “I should . . . I should go.” My eyes searched the room, unsure of what had come over me.
“You don’t have to.” He took a step in front of me, his hands taking mine. I stared down at where he touched me and slowly looked up to meet his gaze.
“E . . .” There were no words. I was a horrible human being. E and Derek both deserved better than what I was giving them right now—I was a shitty girlfriend to Derek and a shitty friend to E. I deserved to be alone and ashamed.
He let go of my hands and took a step back, the look of lust replaced with a hardened mask as the muscles in his jaw flexed under his skin.
I could only nod once at him and hurried out of the room and down the hall to mine.
My mind was racing when I got inside. Part of me was relieved Derek hadn’t beat me back and part of me overwhelmed with guilt for what I had just done. While technically my actions had stayed chaste, I knew that my heart wasn’t being faithful.
I curled up the center of the bed, my fingers running over the scar on my thigh that still tingled from E’s touch. My thoughts were consumed by him and I hated myself the more my heart raced. I wanted to run back to him and let whatever happened happen, but instead I lay frozen in the deafening silence of my room.
It felt like hours as the minutes ticked by as I hummed “Free Bird,” trying desperately to escape into my mind and not have to face Derek. Finally, I heard the handle of the door move and the lock click free from the frame. I sat up, staring at the door as I held my breath. Tucker stepped inside with Derek’s arm pulled around his neck. They stumbled toward me, Derek’s eyes unfocused.
“Does this belong to you?” Tucker asked with a smirk. Something in his tone made me uncertain if he knew where I had just been. I just looked at him, the question written all over my face. He winked and unlooped Derek’s body from his. “Well, I’ll just leave him here.” Derek twisted and fell back onto the bed beside me.
Tucker turned and walked back toward the door.
“Thank you,” I called after him.
He turned back with a smile. “That’s what friends are for.” The door closed behind him and I let go of the breath I had been holding as I looked down at Derek.
“Who was that boy?” Phil screamed, and spittle flew from his mouth as the vein in his neck pulsed under his weathered flesh.
“He was just walking me home. He’s just a friend.” I tried to keep my voice even, but as Phil stepped toward me, I flinched and covered my face with my hands, hoping that if I couldn’t see him, he would disappear. I wasn’t that lucky. I was never lucky.
“If I catch him around you again, you’re grounded.”
“That’s not fair! He’s just a friend and you know I don’t have many.”
“You want me to tell your mother that you’re out acting like a slut?” he bit out angrily and stepped closer.
“You can’t keep me locked away like a prisoner.”
“We can and we will. You live under my roof and what I say goes.”
“This roof was paid for by my father,” I snapped. I hated Phil with every fiber of my being.
“You want to live with your father? Be my guest. Leave.”
It killed me inside when I thought about my dad. I had no idea where he was, but anywhere would be better than here. “Maybe I will.”
“If you do, don’t you ever come back, do you understand me?”
21
ERIC
I LAY AWAKE FOR hours as I thought about Sarah. I wanted so desperately for her to stay with me. It was almost worse that I was finally able to touch her and have her want this as badly as I did, only to have her walk out of the door . . . for him.
I was sickened as I thought of him being able to sleep beside her, to hold her, and I was forced to pretend that I wasn’t feeling as if my entire world were imploding.
I wanted her and wanted to forget her at the same time. Her song lyrics played over and over in my head, torturing me. Karma was perpetually punishing me for not saving my brother from that car. Everything in my life fell apart after that day and I had stopped caring.
“I just spent three hours on the phone with your coach.”
I sat up on my bed and pulled off my headphones, trying to hide that I was high from my dad.
“You have screwed up your entire life. I hope you’re happy.”
I rolled my eyes and lay back against my pillow. “Yeah, I’m f**king ecstatic.”
“What the hell did you just say to me, boy?” he yelled, and my mother was at his side, latching onto his arm to hold him in place.
I pushed to my feet, puffing out my own chest to meet his as I looked him in the eye. “You don’t scare me, old man. You’re just jealous I was better than you ever were.”
“Better? You got kicked off the damn team! You won’t ever get into college now.”
“At least I made the team,” I smirked, feeling no fear.
“Eric! Don’t you dare talk to your father that way!” my mother screamed, and my father’s fist connected with the side of my face.
I stumbled, but I was younger and stronger. I took another step closer to him so we were chest to chest. “You want to kick my ass? Take another swing, ass**le. I will lay you out.”
His eyes widened and he shoved against my chest. I wrapped an arm around his and shoved back, sending us tumbling to the floor. My mom screamed and jumped out of the way as we rolled around together exchanging blows. By the time she got us separated, my lip was bloodied and my dad’s eye was swelling and turning purple. I smiled, happy he would finally wear a badge of abuse from me.
“Eric, look what you did!” My mom grabbed his face and inspected the damage.
I touched my lip, pulling back my fingers and examining the smeared blood. “Yeah, it’s all my fault. It’s always my fault.”
“I want you out of my house,” my dad shouted, struggling to catch his breath.
“It’s my house, too,” I yelled back as my eyes met my mother’s, but she looked to the ground and all I could do was nod.
My dad took a step closer to me, his cold eyes locked onto mine. “The wrong son died that day.”
It hurt worse than any physical blow, and I almost buckled at the pain that ripped through my heart. It was one thing to think it about myself, but to hear my own father say it killed me inside.
“Fuck you both,” I spat angrily as I shoved by him and out the door.
I gave up on trying to get some sleep as the sun rose outside my window. I moved around my room, getting ready for the day. I felt empty and spinning out of control. I wanted to see her, to look her in the eye and know that last night had really happened. That the look in her eyes and the love in her voice as she sang to me were real.
I had no reason to knock on her door and it would only raise suspicion in Derek, not that I would mind seeing the look on his face as I pulled Sarah into my arms and pressed my lips against hers.
I stepped out of my hotel room and walked down the hallway, feeling as if I were walking to my execution. I glanced to her door, knowing she was just on the other side, curled up in his arms. I forced my feet to keep moving until I reached Donna’s door.
She answered after my second knock, wearing a silky, pink robe that fell midthigh. She stepped back to let me in without saying a word, her smile faltering as she saw my expression. I didn’t know what I was doing here. Given the way everything had changed between Donna and me, I knew I couldn’t talk to her about Sarah, but I couldn’t be alone, either. I didn’t trust myself.
“What’s wrong?” She closed the door and wrapped her arms around her waist.
“I think I need to leave, get away for a while.” I leaned back against the kitchen counter as I stared at the floor between us. She took a step closer but stopped as she looked me over.
“Is this because of me?”
“No.” I shook my head. “This is because of me. I just need to spend some time . . . alone.” All I did was f**k up everyone’s life that I came in contact with. I was meant to be on my own.
She nodded, but didn’t respond.
“I feel like I’m losing myself.”
“E . . . I’m sorry I kissed you. I know it wasn’t the right thing to do. I’m your manager, your friend . . . I shouldn’t let things get so complicated.”
I took a step forward and wrapped my arms around her body. “Don’t. You don’t need to apologize.” I rested my chin on top of her head as I closed my eyes. “You are one of my closest friends.” I pulled back, placing a hand on either side of her face as I looked her in the eye. “I can’t lose you.” I pressed my lips to her forehead as she sighed, and her hands came up to wrap around mine.
I felt emotionally exhausted. Spilling my secrets had been too much. “What are you thinking?” I whispered.
“You don’t want to know.” He laughed and shook his head.
I smacked him on the arm and pulled back from him. “You are such a perv.”
“I don’t get many complaints,” he joked, and suddenly I remembered. He was with Donna. All of a sudden, I’d never felt so exposed to anyone.
I was struggling not to let myself give in to what I was feeling. Every time he touched me, his fingers brushed against me, it ignited a fire inside me that spread clear down to my toes. I had never felt that with anyone before; my fear and guilt from my past had usually drowned out any other feelings for anyone.
“I’ve missed you.” The confession slipped out as I stared into his sad blue eyes. The corner of his mouth pulled into a smile, revealing one of his dimples. His arms slipped around my neck and he pulled me to him. I didn’t try to pull away.
“Is this okay?” he whispered into my hair as he hugged me. I could only nod because the feeling of him pressed against my body was overwhelming. I spread my fingers out over his sides, sighing as my palms flattened on the straining muscles of his back. “You have no idea how much I missed you, Sarah. So much.”
I closed my eyes and inhaled the unmistakable scent of E, Polo Sport and whiskey, as his chest rose and fell quickly against mine. I could feel his heart hammering in his chest in time with mine.
“Do you know how hard it is to stay away from you? I’ve been dying to pull you into my arms since the wedding.” His voice broke as he whispered his confession.
“You can’t say things like that.” The guilt of what I was feeling was killing me inside, but I didn’t have the strength to pull back from him. For a brief moment I was released from my cage.
“I’m sorry.” His lips moved against my cheek. He slowly pulled his body away from mine, and I immediately regretted what I’d said.
Without thinking I put my leg over his lap so I was straddling him. He groaned at the more intimate contact. I rested my forehead on his and my mouth fell open as my breathing increased. He never made a move to kiss me, but somehow this felt more intimate.
We sat perfectly still like this, enjoying the high of being so close. I could feel how much he wanted me as he pressed against my center. I brought my hands to his chest and placed my hand over his heart as it thumped against my fingertips. His hands moved up my thighs and the tips of his fingers slipped just under the edge of my shorts and over the thin scar I had put there.
“Sarah . . . ,” he growled, and I felt it through every inch of my body. I slowly opened my eyes, my breathing embarrassingly loud in the quiet room. “If you keep panting like that, I’m not going to be able to keep my hands off you.”
I looked into Eric’s eyes. The intensity of his gaze made me realize that I was getting in too deep. “I shouldn’t be here.”
His fingers slid to my h*ps and he held me firmly against him. My body sagged and my lips brushed over his as he spoke. “Stay with me. Just let me hold you.”
“You know I can’t.”
“Just for a little while longer.”
I moved my face so we were cheek to cheek and his heavy breaths blew across my ear.
The phone in the room began to ring and E’s fingers slid into my hair.
“Ignore it,” he panted.
I let my mouth fall open slightly, wishing that I could let go and take what I wanted.
Eventually, the noise stopped and E’s fingers continued to stroke my hair. “I want you.” His whispered confessions sounded deafening in the quiet space.
“E . . . don’t do that.” I didn’t want more guilt to carry around with me. I was already carrying more than most could handle. I was buckling under the weight.
“I won’t ever cross that line if that’s what you want from me. This is enough.”
I nodded, unable to respond as a lump formed in my throat. I could just be friends with E. It was better than the alternative, not having him in my life.
The phone rang again and his body grew rigid as he stared at me with wanting and sadness in his eyes.
“It could be important,” he groaned.
I only nodded, unable to form any coherent words. I pulled my body from his, and I was overcome with embarrassment and regret the moment we broke contact. I was going to be sick. What had I done? I had let E get close to me and Derek would never forgive me.
“What?” E asked angrily as he answered the phone. His eyes flicked to me and he rubbed his hand over his forehead. “How long?” After a pause he added, “Thanks, man.” Before he hung up the phone, his eyes danced over my body.
“What is it?” I asked, registering the sadness in his eyes.
“They guys are on their way back. . . .”
“Oh.” I was suddenly feeling overwhelmed with panic. “I should . . . I should go.” My eyes searched the room, unsure of what had come over me.
“You don’t have to.” He took a step in front of me, his hands taking mine. I stared down at where he touched me and slowly looked up to meet his gaze.
“E . . .” There were no words. I was a horrible human being. E and Derek both deserved better than what I was giving them right now—I was a shitty girlfriend to Derek and a shitty friend to E. I deserved to be alone and ashamed.
He let go of my hands and took a step back, the look of lust replaced with a hardened mask as the muscles in his jaw flexed under his skin.
I could only nod once at him and hurried out of the room and down the hall to mine.
My mind was racing when I got inside. Part of me was relieved Derek hadn’t beat me back and part of me overwhelmed with guilt for what I had just done. While technically my actions had stayed chaste, I knew that my heart wasn’t being faithful.
I curled up the center of the bed, my fingers running over the scar on my thigh that still tingled from E’s touch. My thoughts were consumed by him and I hated myself the more my heart raced. I wanted to run back to him and let whatever happened happen, but instead I lay frozen in the deafening silence of my room.
It felt like hours as the minutes ticked by as I hummed “Free Bird,” trying desperately to escape into my mind and not have to face Derek. Finally, I heard the handle of the door move and the lock click free from the frame. I sat up, staring at the door as I held my breath. Tucker stepped inside with Derek’s arm pulled around his neck. They stumbled toward me, Derek’s eyes unfocused.
“Does this belong to you?” Tucker asked with a smirk. Something in his tone made me uncertain if he knew where I had just been. I just looked at him, the question written all over my face. He winked and unlooped Derek’s body from his. “Well, I’ll just leave him here.” Derek twisted and fell back onto the bed beside me.
Tucker turned and walked back toward the door.
“Thank you,” I called after him.
He turned back with a smile. “That’s what friends are for.” The door closed behind him and I let go of the breath I had been holding as I looked down at Derek.
“Who was that boy?” Phil screamed, and spittle flew from his mouth as the vein in his neck pulsed under his weathered flesh.
“He was just walking me home. He’s just a friend.” I tried to keep my voice even, but as Phil stepped toward me, I flinched and covered my face with my hands, hoping that if I couldn’t see him, he would disappear. I wasn’t that lucky. I was never lucky.
“If I catch him around you again, you’re grounded.”
“That’s not fair! He’s just a friend and you know I don’t have many.”
“You want me to tell your mother that you’re out acting like a slut?” he bit out angrily and stepped closer.
“You can’t keep me locked away like a prisoner.”
“We can and we will. You live under my roof and what I say goes.”
“This roof was paid for by my father,” I snapped. I hated Phil with every fiber of my being.
“You want to live with your father? Be my guest. Leave.”
It killed me inside when I thought about my dad. I had no idea where he was, but anywhere would be better than here. “Maybe I will.”
“If you do, don’t you ever come back, do you understand me?”
21
ERIC
I LAY AWAKE FOR hours as I thought about Sarah. I wanted so desperately for her to stay with me. It was almost worse that I was finally able to touch her and have her want this as badly as I did, only to have her walk out of the door . . . for him.
I was sickened as I thought of him being able to sleep beside her, to hold her, and I was forced to pretend that I wasn’t feeling as if my entire world were imploding.
I wanted her and wanted to forget her at the same time. Her song lyrics played over and over in my head, torturing me. Karma was perpetually punishing me for not saving my brother from that car. Everything in my life fell apart after that day and I had stopped caring.
“I just spent three hours on the phone with your coach.”
I sat up on my bed and pulled off my headphones, trying to hide that I was high from my dad.
“You have screwed up your entire life. I hope you’re happy.”
I rolled my eyes and lay back against my pillow. “Yeah, I’m f**king ecstatic.”
“What the hell did you just say to me, boy?” he yelled, and my mother was at his side, latching onto his arm to hold him in place.
I pushed to my feet, puffing out my own chest to meet his as I looked him in the eye. “You don’t scare me, old man. You’re just jealous I was better than you ever were.”
“Better? You got kicked off the damn team! You won’t ever get into college now.”
“At least I made the team,” I smirked, feeling no fear.
“Eric! Don’t you dare talk to your father that way!” my mother screamed, and my father’s fist connected with the side of my face.
I stumbled, but I was younger and stronger. I took another step closer to him so we were chest to chest. “You want to kick my ass? Take another swing, ass**le. I will lay you out.”
His eyes widened and he shoved against my chest. I wrapped an arm around his and shoved back, sending us tumbling to the floor. My mom screamed and jumped out of the way as we rolled around together exchanging blows. By the time she got us separated, my lip was bloodied and my dad’s eye was swelling and turning purple. I smiled, happy he would finally wear a badge of abuse from me.
“Eric, look what you did!” My mom grabbed his face and inspected the damage.
I touched my lip, pulling back my fingers and examining the smeared blood. “Yeah, it’s all my fault. It’s always my fault.”
“I want you out of my house,” my dad shouted, struggling to catch his breath.
“It’s my house, too,” I yelled back as my eyes met my mother’s, but she looked to the ground and all I could do was nod.
My dad took a step closer to me, his cold eyes locked onto mine. “The wrong son died that day.”
It hurt worse than any physical blow, and I almost buckled at the pain that ripped through my heart. It was one thing to think it about myself, but to hear my own father say it killed me inside.
“Fuck you both,” I spat angrily as I shoved by him and out the door.
I gave up on trying to get some sleep as the sun rose outside my window. I moved around my room, getting ready for the day. I felt empty and spinning out of control. I wanted to see her, to look her in the eye and know that last night had really happened. That the look in her eyes and the love in her voice as she sang to me were real.
I had no reason to knock on her door and it would only raise suspicion in Derek, not that I would mind seeing the look on his face as I pulled Sarah into my arms and pressed my lips against hers.
I stepped out of my hotel room and walked down the hallway, feeling as if I were walking to my execution. I glanced to her door, knowing she was just on the other side, curled up in his arms. I forced my feet to keep moving until I reached Donna’s door.
She answered after my second knock, wearing a silky, pink robe that fell midthigh. She stepped back to let me in without saying a word, her smile faltering as she saw my expression. I didn’t know what I was doing here. Given the way everything had changed between Donna and me, I knew I couldn’t talk to her about Sarah, but I couldn’t be alone, either. I didn’t trust myself.
“What’s wrong?” She closed the door and wrapped her arms around her waist.
“I think I need to leave, get away for a while.” I leaned back against the kitchen counter as I stared at the floor between us. She took a step closer but stopped as she looked me over.
“Is this because of me?”
“No.” I shook my head. “This is because of me. I just need to spend some time . . . alone.” All I did was f**k up everyone’s life that I came in contact with. I was meant to be on my own.
She nodded, but didn’t respond.
“I feel like I’m losing myself.”
“E . . . I’m sorry I kissed you. I know it wasn’t the right thing to do. I’m your manager, your friend . . . I shouldn’t let things get so complicated.”
I took a step forward and wrapped my arms around her body. “Don’t. You don’t need to apologize.” I rested my chin on top of her head as I closed my eyes. “You are one of my closest friends.” I pulled back, placing a hand on either side of her face as I looked her in the eye. “I can’t lose you.” I pressed my lips to her forehead as she sighed, and her hands came up to wrap around mine.
