White Trash Love Song
Page 16
“I’m not going anywhere, E. And neither are you. I won’t let you leave. You don’t run away from your problems.”
I smiled down at her. I wanted to tell her how wrong she was. Running is exactly what I did. I’ve been running most of my life.
“It’s gotten too hard.” I shook my head.
“That’s what she said.” A proud smile spread across her face.
I let out a genuine laugh as I pulled her in for another hug, rubbing my hand over her back. “That is why I love you.” My laugh died in my throat as her body stiffened from my words. I silently cursed myself as I gave her a squeeze and took a step back. I shouldn’t have used that word with Donna, especially given what I meant by it. I knew her trust issues ran deep, and I was only going to make things between us more complicated. I loved her as a friend, deeply, but that would never be what she needed or wanted.
I ran my hand over my messy hair as I watched her. “Let’s get out of this hotel and go do something normal.”
Her smile returned and she nodded before slipping into her bathroom to change her clothes. I sat on the edge of her bed, leaning on my knees as I waited for her to come out.
She emerged a few minutes later in jeans and a white tank top, her hair pulled back in a ponytail. “Where are we going?” she asked with a smile.
“Wherever you want.” I pushed to my feet and walked over to the door, opening it for her. She stepped out and stopped as our eyes landed on Terry and Chris, who were in the hall chatting animatedly about the strippers from last night.
“Where are you two off to?” Chris asked playfully. I rolled my eyes and looked to Donna.
“Um . . . I was thinking about the zoo.” She glanced back at me to see if I approved.
“Sounds good to me.” I nodded at Terry as I continued by toward the elevator with Donna in front of me.
“Enjoy your date,” Terry called after us, and I stuck my middle finger in the air as the elevator doors opened and we slipped inside.
I leaned against the back wall as I shoved my hands in my pockets.
“I didn’t think it was a date,” she said nervously.
I couldn’t help but smile. “Call it what you want. Those guys are just ass**les. Don’t let them get to you.” The doors opened and we stepped out into the lobby. I placed my arm over her shoulders as we stepped out into the entirely too bright world. I flagged down a cab that quickly pulled along the curb for us. I opened the door and made a sweeping gesture for her to get in.
“Lockwood Zoo,” I told the cabdriver as he pulled out into traffic as I relaxed against the seat.
“You have fun last night?” Donna asked, and I could feel her eyes on me.
I nodded and looked out the window as I cleared my throat. I didn’t want to talk about last night, about how I had managed to spend some alone time with Sarah. It just didn’t feel right to bring it up to her anymore, and it was too painful to think about. The line between friendship and relationship had become blurry with Donna. I knew she was trusting me more, but my heart belonged to only one person.
“You?” I asked, still not looking at her.
“It was fun. Nice to spend some time without a bunch of drunk guys around.” She giggled.
“That what I am to you?” I put my hand over my heart, pretending to be offended.
“You know what I mean.” She rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, I get it. That’s why I want to get away. Step outside this box we live in.”
“You ever think of what you would be doing if you weren’t in the band?”
“I, uh . . . I think I would have made a good soldier.” I glanced over at Donna, whose mouth was open. “What? You don’t think I could do it?”
“I can’t picture you taking orders from anyone.” She shook her head, clearly amused.
“You want to do what?” My father was clearly not amused.
“The army would be good for me. There is nothing wrong with fighting for your country.”
“How do expect to do that, Eric? You think they let any screwup with a record in?” He flipped the page of his newspaper, not even bothering to look up at me.
“I can explain what happened. I’m a minor. In a few months I’ll be an adult and I can go off to basic. It would get me out of here.”
I hated how much it bothered me that they wanted me gone, but I hoped it would be a good selling point.
“You would just screw that up, too. The army is for men, not boys.”
“Maybe if my father took the time to teach me how to be a man, I wouldn’t be such a f**king disappointment!” The air left my lungs as my father’s eyes locked on to mine.
“What did you say to me? You think you can screw up your life and blame it on me?” He pushed up from his chair, the newspaper falling to the ground. I widened my stance and braced myself for the inevitable blow to come. It was too late to back down now.
“Not everything is my fault.” I yelled, hoping my voice sounded confident. “I want to be a good person. If I could join, I could make you proud.”
“It’s too late for that,” he said with a sneer and turned to leave me standing alone, ready for a fight.
I shook the memory from my mind and tucked my arm behind my head as my lack of sleep began to hit me. “Yeah, I guess I would have a little trouble with that.” I loved how easy our conversations were. I didn’t have to try with Donna, we could just hang out, and we got each other.
We pulled into the zoo parking lot and I thanked the driver and paid him the fare. I slipped out onto the sidewalk and stretched as I waited for Donna to join me.
“I haven’t been to a zoo in years.” She was beaming from ear to ear as her eyes danced over the entrance.
“I can’t ever remember being to one.” I pushed the thought of my childhood into the back of my mind.
“Even better. New memories.” She looped her arm in mine and pulled me toward the ticket counter.
We made our way down the bamboo-lined paths as I held her hand in mine.
“‘They are pink because of what they eat,’” Donna said, reading the sign to the flamingo exhibit. “So glad humans aren’t that way.”
I pulled her into my side and lightly kissed the top of her head. “You’d be adorable pink,” I joked, and she rolled her eyes. The carefree Donna that usually only emerged when she had a few drinks was out to play, and I loved that she felt so comfortable around me right now. Everything suddenly felt so normal, for the first time since . . . since I could remember.
“Be thankful. I don’t even want to think of what color you would be because you’re so full of shit,” she joked.
I hugged her tightly into my side as I laughed. “Jesus, you’ve been hanging around the guys too long.”
“It’s nice being just the two of us.”
I was taken aback by her comment but it was the truth. It was easier. Being around her took away the stress that had been piling up since Sarah had showed up at the wedding.
As we made our way to the macaws, she laughed as I flapped my arms trying to get them to mimic my movements. “You don’t strike me as a bird guy.”
“No? I could be a bird guy,” I said as I looked over at her, unable to hide my content smile. Donna was like a bird. She was quick to take off if anyone got too close. Everything was a danger to her, but for some reason she trusted me and I didn’t take that lightly.
22
SARAH
I COULDN’T EAT AS I stared across the table at the twins. Derek was beside me, his hand resting on my thigh. I wanted to move away from him but I already felt guilty enough. I tried to convince myself that all I had done was hug E, but I knew it was more than that, at least to me.
“What do you want to do today, babe?” Derek asked.
All eyes fell to me as I dropped a cherry tomato back on my plate and shrugged. My eyes danced over the twins and I didn’t like the way they were looking at me, so I dropped my gaze to my plate.
“I heard there was a badass movie that just came out. Zombie something or some shit.” Terry reached across the table and grabbed my pickle, shoving the whole damn thing in his mouth.
“Why don’t you just shoot me instead,” I grumbled.
“Great idea! Paintball!” Chris yelled, and Derek laughed.
All I wanted to know was were E had gone with Donna. It was killing me to think he was out somewhere on a date after what had happened last night. I knew that made me a hypocrite, but it hurt just the same.
“The zoo,” Terry said. His eyes met mine and he gave a small nod. Could he have known I was wondering where E was? It was as if he were reading my thoughts, which hardly seemed possible when none of these guys had thoughts of their own.
“Maybe I should just stay in and write.” I suddenly remembered that I had left my song and guitar in E’s room. The thought of having to face him again thrilled and terrified me. I entertained the idea of just letting him keep it. I could use a new guitar. Mine was old.
“How is it possible for you to be this boring?” Chris asked with a straight face.
I picked up the cherry tomato and tossed it at his head. My insides were tied in knots and it was almost painful to hold a normal conversation. Derek leaned back and put his arm across the seat behind me.
“Maybe we should stay in.” He leaned in, rubbing his nose against my cheek as his other hand crept up my thigh, and I knew his hand was only a thin piece of fabric from my newest scar, on my leg. It angered me that he had never questioned how it had gotten there. Maybe he knew, maybe he just didn’t care.
“How far is the zoo?” As soon as the question left my lips, the twins smirked and I felt ashamed.
“I’ll call Tuck,” Chris said as he leaned to his side and pulled his cell from his pocket.
Ten minutes later we were in separate cabs and on our way. Derek was still running his hands over me as much as possible, despite that Terry was sitting on the other side of me. He glanced down at Derek’s hand on my leg.
“Don’t let me stop you, you f**king perv.”
Derek groaned and relaxed in his seat and I finally let the tension leave my muscles. How was Derek so oblivious to my aversion to being touched?
The cab ride couldn’t be over fast enough. I wasn’t even sure E was at the zoo, but anything would be a welcome distraction from all of this. My skin felt as if it were crawling and I forced the thought of releasing my pain from my mind.
As we pulled up out front, we all got out of our cabs. Cass made her way to my side and we headed over to the ticket counter.
It was unbearably hot out, but the bamboo that lined the paths offered enough shade to keep us all from passing out.
“I want to see the monkeys.” Cass was excited and tugging on Tuck’s arm.
“We brought the monkeys with us,” I joked, and rolled my eyes as Chris grabbed his crotch.
Tucker smiled down at Cass, his fingers trailing over her jaw as he kissed her on the lips.
My heart sank. I stared off at the animal enclosures, feeling that in this moment I could relate to them much better than I could to my best friend.
“I miss not having you around,” Cass said as the guys walked off a few feet and we wandered toward the spider monkey enclosure.
“Maybe we will tour together again.” I shrugged.
“You think Derek would be okay with that?” Cass cocked her eyebrow.
I turned toward the animals. “Who knows?” My voice trailed off and Cass didn’t press the issue.
“You want a snow cone?” Derek asked, and I nodded. He pulled his wallet from his pocket as he strolled over to the Snack Barn. I watched a woman pull her son to her side as she eyed Derek’s tattoos.
“He seems to be playing nice,” Cass’s voice broke through my thoughts.
“Too little too late,” I sighed, but immediately felt like an ass**le. “I’m glad he is trying.”
She nodded but didn’t reply as Tuck put his arms around her waist from behind and whispered something in her ear. She nodded and he kissed her on the cheek before following after Derek.
“I miss this. Ever since the tour ended, things have been so . . . different.”
“You missing some of us more than others?” Cass’s eyebrow was cocked.
I shook my head with a laugh. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You know what is amazing about you?” I honestly had no clue. “When I needed someone to talk to about . . . the past, you went out of your way to become my friend and to help me find a way to work through everything I was feeling. Without writing, I don’t know what I would do.”
“I am pretty awesome, aren’t I?” I laughed.
Cass smiled, shaking her head. “You’re an awesome friend. I want to be able to be there for you, too. You can talk to me about . . . anything that is going on, ya know?”
“Are we going to talk about periods and braid each other’s hair?” I joked.
Cass made a face. “Don’t act like you don’t like doing my hair,” she shot back playfully. “And as for the period thing . . . I kind of haven’t had mine for a while.”
“What? How long is a while?”
“You can’t say anything until I am sure everything is okay. After everything that happened before . . .” She looked to the ground.
“How long?”
“It’s been a month. I was freaked out. I wouldn’t even take a test for the longest time because I was scared.”
“But you took one? What did it say?” I was practically bouncing up and down.
I smiled down at her. I wanted to tell her how wrong she was. Running is exactly what I did. I’ve been running most of my life.
“It’s gotten too hard.” I shook my head.
“That’s what she said.” A proud smile spread across her face.
I let out a genuine laugh as I pulled her in for another hug, rubbing my hand over her back. “That is why I love you.” My laugh died in my throat as her body stiffened from my words. I silently cursed myself as I gave her a squeeze and took a step back. I shouldn’t have used that word with Donna, especially given what I meant by it. I knew her trust issues ran deep, and I was only going to make things between us more complicated. I loved her as a friend, deeply, but that would never be what she needed or wanted.
I ran my hand over my messy hair as I watched her. “Let’s get out of this hotel and go do something normal.”
Her smile returned and she nodded before slipping into her bathroom to change her clothes. I sat on the edge of her bed, leaning on my knees as I waited for her to come out.
She emerged a few minutes later in jeans and a white tank top, her hair pulled back in a ponytail. “Where are we going?” she asked with a smile.
“Wherever you want.” I pushed to my feet and walked over to the door, opening it for her. She stepped out and stopped as our eyes landed on Terry and Chris, who were in the hall chatting animatedly about the strippers from last night.
“Where are you two off to?” Chris asked playfully. I rolled my eyes and looked to Donna.
“Um . . . I was thinking about the zoo.” She glanced back at me to see if I approved.
“Sounds good to me.” I nodded at Terry as I continued by toward the elevator with Donna in front of me.
“Enjoy your date,” Terry called after us, and I stuck my middle finger in the air as the elevator doors opened and we slipped inside.
I leaned against the back wall as I shoved my hands in my pockets.
“I didn’t think it was a date,” she said nervously.
I couldn’t help but smile. “Call it what you want. Those guys are just ass**les. Don’t let them get to you.” The doors opened and we stepped out into the lobby. I placed my arm over her shoulders as we stepped out into the entirely too bright world. I flagged down a cab that quickly pulled along the curb for us. I opened the door and made a sweeping gesture for her to get in.
“Lockwood Zoo,” I told the cabdriver as he pulled out into traffic as I relaxed against the seat.
“You have fun last night?” Donna asked, and I could feel her eyes on me.
I nodded and looked out the window as I cleared my throat. I didn’t want to talk about last night, about how I had managed to spend some alone time with Sarah. It just didn’t feel right to bring it up to her anymore, and it was too painful to think about. The line between friendship and relationship had become blurry with Donna. I knew she was trusting me more, but my heart belonged to only one person.
“You?” I asked, still not looking at her.
“It was fun. Nice to spend some time without a bunch of drunk guys around.” She giggled.
“That what I am to you?” I put my hand over my heart, pretending to be offended.
“You know what I mean.” She rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, I get it. That’s why I want to get away. Step outside this box we live in.”
“You ever think of what you would be doing if you weren’t in the band?”
“I, uh . . . I think I would have made a good soldier.” I glanced over at Donna, whose mouth was open. “What? You don’t think I could do it?”
“I can’t picture you taking orders from anyone.” She shook her head, clearly amused.
“You want to do what?” My father was clearly not amused.
“The army would be good for me. There is nothing wrong with fighting for your country.”
“How do expect to do that, Eric? You think they let any screwup with a record in?” He flipped the page of his newspaper, not even bothering to look up at me.
“I can explain what happened. I’m a minor. In a few months I’ll be an adult and I can go off to basic. It would get me out of here.”
I hated how much it bothered me that they wanted me gone, but I hoped it would be a good selling point.
“You would just screw that up, too. The army is for men, not boys.”
“Maybe if my father took the time to teach me how to be a man, I wouldn’t be such a f**king disappointment!” The air left my lungs as my father’s eyes locked on to mine.
“What did you say to me? You think you can screw up your life and blame it on me?” He pushed up from his chair, the newspaper falling to the ground. I widened my stance and braced myself for the inevitable blow to come. It was too late to back down now.
“Not everything is my fault.” I yelled, hoping my voice sounded confident. “I want to be a good person. If I could join, I could make you proud.”
“It’s too late for that,” he said with a sneer and turned to leave me standing alone, ready for a fight.
I shook the memory from my mind and tucked my arm behind my head as my lack of sleep began to hit me. “Yeah, I guess I would have a little trouble with that.” I loved how easy our conversations were. I didn’t have to try with Donna, we could just hang out, and we got each other.
We pulled into the zoo parking lot and I thanked the driver and paid him the fare. I slipped out onto the sidewalk and stretched as I waited for Donna to join me.
“I haven’t been to a zoo in years.” She was beaming from ear to ear as her eyes danced over the entrance.
“I can’t ever remember being to one.” I pushed the thought of my childhood into the back of my mind.
“Even better. New memories.” She looped her arm in mine and pulled me toward the ticket counter.
We made our way down the bamboo-lined paths as I held her hand in mine.
“‘They are pink because of what they eat,’” Donna said, reading the sign to the flamingo exhibit. “So glad humans aren’t that way.”
I pulled her into my side and lightly kissed the top of her head. “You’d be adorable pink,” I joked, and she rolled her eyes. The carefree Donna that usually only emerged when she had a few drinks was out to play, and I loved that she felt so comfortable around me right now. Everything suddenly felt so normal, for the first time since . . . since I could remember.
“Be thankful. I don’t even want to think of what color you would be because you’re so full of shit,” she joked.
I hugged her tightly into my side as I laughed. “Jesus, you’ve been hanging around the guys too long.”
“It’s nice being just the two of us.”
I was taken aback by her comment but it was the truth. It was easier. Being around her took away the stress that had been piling up since Sarah had showed up at the wedding.
As we made our way to the macaws, she laughed as I flapped my arms trying to get them to mimic my movements. “You don’t strike me as a bird guy.”
“No? I could be a bird guy,” I said as I looked over at her, unable to hide my content smile. Donna was like a bird. She was quick to take off if anyone got too close. Everything was a danger to her, but for some reason she trusted me and I didn’t take that lightly.
22
SARAH
I COULDN’T EAT AS I stared across the table at the twins. Derek was beside me, his hand resting on my thigh. I wanted to move away from him but I already felt guilty enough. I tried to convince myself that all I had done was hug E, but I knew it was more than that, at least to me.
“What do you want to do today, babe?” Derek asked.
All eyes fell to me as I dropped a cherry tomato back on my plate and shrugged. My eyes danced over the twins and I didn’t like the way they were looking at me, so I dropped my gaze to my plate.
“I heard there was a badass movie that just came out. Zombie something or some shit.” Terry reached across the table and grabbed my pickle, shoving the whole damn thing in his mouth.
“Why don’t you just shoot me instead,” I grumbled.
“Great idea! Paintball!” Chris yelled, and Derek laughed.
All I wanted to know was were E had gone with Donna. It was killing me to think he was out somewhere on a date after what had happened last night. I knew that made me a hypocrite, but it hurt just the same.
“The zoo,” Terry said. His eyes met mine and he gave a small nod. Could he have known I was wondering where E was? It was as if he were reading my thoughts, which hardly seemed possible when none of these guys had thoughts of their own.
“Maybe I should just stay in and write.” I suddenly remembered that I had left my song and guitar in E’s room. The thought of having to face him again thrilled and terrified me. I entertained the idea of just letting him keep it. I could use a new guitar. Mine was old.
“How is it possible for you to be this boring?” Chris asked with a straight face.
I picked up the cherry tomato and tossed it at his head. My insides were tied in knots and it was almost painful to hold a normal conversation. Derek leaned back and put his arm across the seat behind me.
“Maybe we should stay in.” He leaned in, rubbing his nose against my cheek as his other hand crept up my thigh, and I knew his hand was only a thin piece of fabric from my newest scar, on my leg. It angered me that he had never questioned how it had gotten there. Maybe he knew, maybe he just didn’t care.
“How far is the zoo?” As soon as the question left my lips, the twins smirked and I felt ashamed.
“I’ll call Tuck,” Chris said as he leaned to his side and pulled his cell from his pocket.
Ten minutes later we were in separate cabs and on our way. Derek was still running his hands over me as much as possible, despite that Terry was sitting on the other side of me. He glanced down at Derek’s hand on my leg.
“Don’t let me stop you, you f**king perv.”
Derek groaned and relaxed in his seat and I finally let the tension leave my muscles. How was Derek so oblivious to my aversion to being touched?
The cab ride couldn’t be over fast enough. I wasn’t even sure E was at the zoo, but anything would be a welcome distraction from all of this. My skin felt as if it were crawling and I forced the thought of releasing my pain from my mind.
As we pulled up out front, we all got out of our cabs. Cass made her way to my side and we headed over to the ticket counter.
It was unbearably hot out, but the bamboo that lined the paths offered enough shade to keep us all from passing out.
“I want to see the monkeys.” Cass was excited and tugging on Tuck’s arm.
“We brought the monkeys with us,” I joked, and rolled my eyes as Chris grabbed his crotch.
Tucker smiled down at Cass, his fingers trailing over her jaw as he kissed her on the lips.
My heart sank. I stared off at the animal enclosures, feeling that in this moment I could relate to them much better than I could to my best friend.
“I miss not having you around,” Cass said as the guys walked off a few feet and we wandered toward the spider monkey enclosure.
“Maybe we will tour together again.” I shrugged.
“You think Derek would be okay with that?” Cass cocked her eyebrow.
I turned toward the animals. “Who knows?” My voice trailed off and Cass didn’t press the issue.
“You want a snow cone?” Derek asked, and I nodded. He pulled his wallet from his pocket as he strolled over to the Snack Barn. I watched a woman pull her son to her side as she eyed Derek’s tattoos.
“He seems to be playing nice,” Cass’s voice broke through my thoughts.
“Too little too late,” I sighed, but immediately felt like an ass**le. “I’m glad he is trying.”
She nodded but didn’t reply as Tuck put his arms around her waist from behind and whispered something in her ear. She nodded and he kissed her on the cheek before following after Derek.
“I miss this. Ever since the tour ended, things have been so . . . different.”
“You missing some of us more than others?” Cass’s eyebrow was cocked.
I shook my head with a laugh. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You know what is amazing about you?” I honestly had no clue. “When I needed someone to talk to about . . . the past, you went out of your way to become my friend and to help me find a way to work through everything I was feeling. Without writing, I don’t know what I would do.”
“I am pretty awesome, aren’t I?” I laughed.
Cass smiled, shaking her head. “You’re an awesome friend. I want to be able to be there for you, too. You can talk to me about . . . anything that is going on, ya know?”
“Are we going to talk about periods and braid each other’s hair?” I joked.
Cass made a face. “Don’t act like you don’t like doing my hair,” she shot back playfully. “And as for the period thing . . . I kind of haven’t had mine for a while.”
“What? How long is a while?”
“You can’t say anything until I am sure everything is okay. After everything that happened before . . .” She looked to the ground.
“How long?”
“It’s been a month. I was freaked out. I wouldn’t even take a test for the longest time because I was scared.”
“But you took one? What did it say?” I was practically bouncing up and down.
