White Trash Love Song
Page 18
The smell of fried food intermingled with pot filled the air, and I briefly wondered if the promoters looked the other way at people’s smoking marijuana, just to sell more food. Groupies clung to anyone who was covered in tats, and a few feet away someone was strumming a guitar as a group of people, sitting in a circle around him, sang along. It reminded me of when I went to vacation Bible school when I was nine and we all sang hymns as the pastor played the guitar. Even then, I enjoyed it so much I wanted to go to church every day just so I could sing. Funny how life changes in the blink of an eye.
I got lost in thought as I watched a woman spinning slowly, her arms out to her sides and face to the sky. She was smiling as she danced in her bare feet to a rhythm of her own. The crowd grew louder to my left, pulling me from my thoughts. An old school bus hand-painted with messages of peace and love had just emptied out, and its passengers were making their way toward the gates. They smelled like stale beer and sweat. Luckily, we were escorted through a private entrance after Donna spoke to someone in charge.
The swarm of people was unbelievable, and we had to fight our way to get anywhere, but the crowd was mostly peaceful because the sun had yet to set. As they say, the freaks come out at night. This was especially true in the rock-and-roll world. Something about the music just made people go wild. Trash already littered the ground, and in typical rock-and-roll fashion, a few arguments had already broken out, and several women were already in various stages of undress as onlookers shot pictures with their cell phones. I shook my head as we walked around them. I could never live without music, but the partying that went hand in hand with it wasn’t really my scene.
Long Neck was onstage singing a soulful ballad from the seventies titled “Missing My Misses,” so we weren’t in any danger of getting hurt from a mosh pit. Although I had no doubt that it would all change after the sun set.
“You all right?” I asked E as we followed behind Tucker. He nodded but did not look at me, and my heart sank a little, unable to keep up with his whiplash emotions.
We stopped walking as we reached the middle of the crowd. I slid up beside Cass and began to dance, getting lost in the music, my favorite escape. I didn’t want to think about Derek or E. My heart was being ripped in two, and I couldn’t be that girl. I had committed myself to Derek and I wasn’t going to screw that up. I needed to solve the problems within me first. I needed to figure out how to keep myself looking forward and not focused on the pain that sometimes threatened to consume me.
I always thought Derek was perfect because he accepted that I struggled with physical intimacy and he didn’t ask me about my sadness, but now that someone cared enough to know the truth, I wanted to tell the truth and finally set myself free from the cage I kept myself in.
AS NIGHT FELL the drinks continued to flow freely and the crowd became more amped with each set. I tried to focus my attention on Derek as Donna whispered into E’s ear and he laughed at whatever she had said. It was like a punch in the gut to see them being openly affectionate in public. I hated myself for wishing it were me who was making him laugh right now. Derek turned my necklace so the clasp was at the back of my neck. My fingers automatically went to the small star pendant that he had gotten for me. His lips were at my ear as his arms went around my waist and he pulled my back against him.
“My favorite rock star,” he whispered as his lips pressed against the side of my neck. I slid my hand back into his long hair, holding his lips to me. “Have you thought any more about going to Texas with me when this is over?”
I shrugged as I watched E, his back to me and Donna at his side, her hand on his back.
Derek turned me to face him, his eyes searching mine as he tucked my hair behind my ear. “I think it would be good for you to meet my family. Maybe we could . . . take the next step in our relationship.”
My mouth dropped open. Was he talking about getting engaged? Did he finally want to give me the commitment I so desperately craved from him? I felt sick, confused. Part of me wondered why he suddenly wanted to bring me into his family. Why was all of this happening now? Now that I was the one questioning my feelings? Derek was suddenly giving me what I had always thought I wanted, and E had made it very clear in the past that he didn’t want a family, or at least didn’t deserve one. So . . . what was I doing? How long could this go on? I would only be around E for another week and a half during this vacation, and then my life would go back to normal, or as normal as can be expected for someone in a band. Was I willing to throw it all away for a few days of fun? I realized he was still staring at me and waiting for my reaction.
“I’d like that.” I couldn’t muster much more. My voice cracked, but Derek didn’t seem to notice as he pulled me into his arms and hugged me.
25
ERIC
I CHANCED A GLANCE over my shoulder at Sarah, who was wrapped in Derek’s arms; his eyes narrowed at me and I nodded, taking a drink from my beer.
He wasn’t going to go away easy. He didn’t care about what was best for her. He was a selfish prick, and all my presence had done was make him cling harder to her to prove that he could beat me, as if this were some f**king game or some shit. I put my arm around Donna’s neck as I looked ahead at the stage, wondering when I would get another moment alone with Sarah.
This wasn’t all in my head, right? No. It couldn’t be.
“You all right?” Donna looked up at me, her eyebrows pulled together with concern.
I smiled, not wanting to worry her any more with my shit. “I’m fine. Just wondering when the good bands are going to play,” I joked. She rolled her eyes and laid her head against my shoulder. I couldn’t stop the nagging feeling from the back of my mind that when all of this was said and done, I would be left completely alone.
It felt inevitable. Like watching a coming train wreck but being unable to stop it. Who was I to stand up against the train, or the overwhelming desire to be with Sarah?
“I’m going to get another drink. You want something?” I asked Donna, trying to mask the pain in my voice. She shook her head no and took a step away from me. I made my way into the crowd, disappearing into the sea of bodies, wanting to just get lost in the people, the music and in life. Cryptic was onstage and the crowd was becoming more crazy by the second. The band’s music seemed as if it could induce seizures, and I was glad we’d found a spot near the stage so we wouldn’t be in the middle of the frenzy if the crowd got too out of hand. The angry music was doing nothing to help my mood. I didn’t want to slip back into the old me who used violence when shit didn’t go my way.
I bought myself a drink and poured it down my throat, hoping to push back some of the sadness that was creeping over me.
I contemplated walking up to Sarah and taking her in my arms, and I would have if I knew that was what she wanted. If only I could get her alone again. I needed to tell her how I felt.
But instead I wandered off, walking along the tents that lined the back of the field and looking over all of the merchandise for sale. I didn’t want to mask my feelings with a smile. I wanted to be alone with who I really was. Sarah was with someone else, Donna wanted more than I could ever give her. I could hear the train whistle blowing in the distance, and instead of stepping back to watch, I wanted to stand on the tracks. I didn’t want to be left standing if it meant standing alone.
“You don’t look so good,” Terry called from my left.
“Thanks.” I shook my head as my eyes danced over leather belts and buckles.
“You don’t ever make life easy, do ya?”
“It’s not in my nature.” I laughed sardonically and took another drink.
“I know you probably don’t care if this ends up hurting you in the end, but have you thought about what it will do to Sarah?”
My eyes met his. “Every f**king second.”
“And Donna?” He cocked an eyebrow.
“Donna is just looking for some company.”
“Oh? She could have found it in my brother. You know that f**ker isn’t picky.”
“Still bitter about Lizzy?”
Terry shook his head and looked off at the leather goods ahead of us. “Nah . . . he did me a favor with that one. Stop changing the f**king subject.”
“What do you want me to say? Huh? The world is full of disappointment. Donna knew from day one that I was hung up on Sarah.”
“She wants you, dumbass. And you aren’t exactly sending her clear signals.”
“Spare me the f**king lecture. Sarah is with Derek. She is never going to leave him. Am I supposed to just never be with anyone?”
“You’re thinking with the wrong head, man.”
“Nah . . . I’m thinking with my heart. Even worse.”
Terry patted me on the shoulder as he sighed loudly. “Fuck, man. Promise me you’ll keep your cool.” His eyes met mine and I could already feel my blood begin to boil. “Derek is telling everyone he is taking her to Texas to meet his family.”
“What?” I didn’t mean to yell but I was completely blindsided. “No.” I shook my head. “She wouldn’t do that.”
“She didn’t deny it, man. She was right there.” I glared over at him and he ran his hand over his hair. “I’m gonna give you a minute to think over what you want to do about that. Just . . . if she seems happy, isn’t that what you want?”
I nodded but I was crushed. I knew she was feeling what I was, and deep down she knew what kind of person Derek was. I threw my can in the trash and ordered another drink. I preferred to forget this trip altogether. It would all be over in two weeks anyway. Maybe Terry was right and I just needed to f**king get over it and move on. Somehow.
26
SARAH
AS THE SUN began to sink, the bands got better. The only thing missing was E, who had disappeared about an hour ago. I tried to focus on the lyrics as the singer belted her heart out onstage, but I couldn’t get E out of my mind.
A friend could worry about a friend. That’s what I told myself as I scanned the crowd for him. Derek’s arms tightened around my waist as he danced behind me, but I just swayed my h*ps slightly, not feeling up to dancing.
The idea of leaving California after our vacation and heading straight to Texas freaked me out. Derek grew up with his grandmother and his older brother, who was off in Texas working as a lawyer. How much trouble could one little old lady be? But I still couldn’t settle my stomach at the thought of meeting anyone’s family. I knew what kind of secrets can be hidden behind locked doors.
“You all right?” Cass asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Yeah.” I shrugged.
“I’m going to grab Tuck a drink. You want to come?”
“Sure,” I replied with a little too much enthusiasm. Derek released his hold on me and Cass and I wove our way through the crowd to the tents set up in the back.
“You doing okay? You looked a little out of it back there.”
“I’m nervous about meeting Derek’s family.” I shrugged.
“Yeah, I get that. Meeting Dorris was a real . . . fun experience.” Cass laughed.
“You’re not helping.” I laughed and a hand landed on my hip.
“Maybe I can help,” E whispered into my ear, and Cass grinned as my face flushed.
“I’m gonna grab the drinks.” Cass turned and made her way to the tent, leaving me alone with E. I turned around to face him.
He smiled as he ran the pad of his thumb over my cheek. “I went off for a drink and you moved on with your life.” He put his hand over his heart dramatically and swayed slightly.
“How many of those drinks have you had? You’ve been gone a long time.”
“Long enough for you to make plans to meet Derek’s family?” E cocked his head, and even though his tone was playful, I knew his mood was anything but.
“We’re friends, E.” It hurt to look him in the eye and lie about what I was feeling in my heart.
“Yeah?” He reached out and took my hand, his fingertips rubbing over my knuckles. “You don’t feel that?” He leaned in closer and his lips brushed against my earlobe. I shivered at the touch. “You don’t feel this, Sarah?”
I closed my eyes as I forced my body not to melt against his and shook my head. It was painful and he pulled back, nodding.
“I must have imagined it then. I apologize.” The muscles in his jaw jumped under the skin as his eyes searched mine for the truth, and of course he could see it. E could always see right through me like no one else.
“E . . .” I wanted to say so many things, but the words didn’t seem as if they would do the situation justice. I had f**ked up beyond belief, and making it right would mean hurting the one person who seemed to get me, but E was a wild card. Derek had promised commitment and I needed that. I craved it.
“It’s fine, Sarah. I just want you to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted.”
“I know that.”
He pulled me in for a hug, and as much as I wanted to resist, my body wouldn’t let me. My hands slid over the tight muscles of his back as his hands trailed up and down my spine. He pressed his lips against my throat and I sighed.
His body stiffened momentarily. “You can’t make little noises like that when I have you in my arms.” He groaned as he held me tighter. I tried to pull back but he wasn’t letting me budge.
“E, I’m sorry.”
“Shh . . . don’t say you’re sorry. Sorry means you regret it and I know you don’t.”
“I will never regret you, E. You are my best friend and there are no words for how much I care about you.”
I got lost in thought as I watched a woman spinning slowly, her arms out to her sides and face to the sky. She was smiling as she danced in her bare feet to a rhythm of her own. The crowd grew louder to my left, pulling me from my thoughts. An old school bus hand-painted with messages of peace and love had just emptied out, and its passengers were making their way toward the gates. They smelled like stale beer and sweat. Luckily, we were escorted through a private entrance after Donna spoke to someone in charge.
The swarm of people was unbelievable, and we had to fight our way to get anywhere, but the crowd was mostly peaceful because the sun had yet to set. As they say, the freaks come out at night. This was especially true in the rock-and-roll world. Something about the music just made people go wild. Trash already littered the ground, and in typical rock-and-roll fashion, a few arguments had already broken out, and several women were already in various stages of undress as onlookers shot pictures with their cell phones. I shook my head as we walked around them. I could never live without music, but the partying that went hand in hand with it wasn’t really my scene.
Long Neck was onstage singing a soulful ballad from the seventies titled “Missing My Misses,” so we weren’t in any danger of getting hurt from a mosh pit. Although I had no doubt that it would all change after the sun set.
“You all right?” I asked E as we followed behind Tucker. He nodded but did not look at me, and my heart sank a little, unable to keep up with his whiplash emotions.
We stopped walking as we reached the middle of the crowd. I slid up beside Cass and began to dance, getting lost in the music, my favorite escape. I didn’t want to think about Derek or E. My heart was being ripped in two, and I couldn’t be that girl. I had committed myself to Derek and I wasn’t going to screw that up. I needed to solve the problems within me first. I needed to figure out how to keep myself looking forward and not focused on the pain that sometimes threatened to consume me.
I always thought Derek was perfect because he accepted that I struggled with physical intimacy and he didn’t ask me about my sadness, but now that someone cared enough to know the truth, I wanted to tell the truth and finally set myself free from the cage I kept myself in.
AS NIGHT FELL the drinks continued to flow freely and the crowd became more amped with each set. I tried to focus my attention on Derek as Donna whispered into E’s ear and he laughed at whatever she had said. It was like a punch in the gut to see them being openly affectionate in public. I hated myself for wishing it were me who was making him laugh right now. Derek turned my necklace so the clasp was at the back of my neck. My fingers automatically went to the small star pendant that he had gotten for me. His lips were at my ear as his arms went around my waist and he pulled my back against him.
“My favorite rock star,” he whispered as his lips pressed against the side of my neck. I slid my hand back into his long hair, holding his lips to me. “Have you thought any more about going to Texas with me when this is over?”
I shrugged as I watched E, his back to me and Donna at his side, her hand on his back.
Derek turned me to face him, his eyes searching mine as he tucked my hair behind my ear. “I think it would be good for you to meet my family. Maybe we could . . . take the next step in our relationship.”
My mouth dropped open. Was he talking about getting engaged? Did he finally want to give me the commitment I so desperately craved from him? I felt sick, confused. Part of me wondered why he suddenly wanted to bring me into his family. Why was all of this happening now? Now that I was the one questioning my feelings? Derek was suddenly giving me what I had always thought I wanted, and E had made it very clear in the past that he didn’t want a family, or at least didn’t deserve one. So . . . what was I doing? How long could this go on? I would only be around E for another week and a half during this vacation, and then my life would go back to normal, or as normal as can be expected for someone in a band. Was I willing to throw it all away for a few days of fun? I realized he was still staring at me and waiting for my reaction.
“I’d like that.” I couldn’t muster much more. My voice cracked, but Derek didn’t seem to notice as he pulled me into his arms and hugged me.
25
ERIC
I CHANCED A GLANCE over my shoulder at Sarah, who was wrapped in Derek’s arms; his eyes narrowed at me and I nodded, taking a drink from my beer.
He wasn’t going to go away easy. He didn’t care about what was best for her. He was a selfish prick, and all my presence had done was make him cling harder to her to prove that he could beat me, as if this were some f**king game or some shit. I put my arm around Donna’s neck as I looked ahead at the stage, wondering when I would get another moment alone with Sarah.
This wasn’t all in my head, right? No. It couldn’t be.
“You all right?” Donna looked up at me, her eyebrows pulled together with concern.
I smiled, not wanting to worry her any more with my shit. “I’m fine. Just wondering when the good bands are going to play,” I joked. She rolled her eyes and laid her head against my shoulder. I couldn’t stop the nagging feeling from the back of my mind that when all of this was said and done, I would be left completely alone.
It felt inevitable. Like watching a coming train wreck but being unable to stop it. Who was I to stand up against the train, or the overwhelming desire to be with Sarah?
“I’m going to get another drink. You want something?” I asked Donna, trying to mask the pain in my voice. She shook her head no and took a step away from me. I made my way into the crowd, disappearing into the sea of bodies, wanting to just get lost in the people, the music and in life. Cryptic was onstage and the crowd was becoming more crazy by the second. The band’s music seemed as if it could induce seizures, and I was glad we’d found a spot near the stage so we wouldn’t be in the middle of the frenzy if the crowd got too out of hand. The angry music was doing nothing to help my mood. I didn’t want to slip back into the old me who used violence when shit didn’t go my way.
I bought myself a drink and poured it down my throat, hoping to push back some of the sadness that was creeping over me.
I contemplated walking up to Sarah and taking her in my arms, and I would have if I knew that was what she wanted. If only I could get her alone again. I needed to tell her how I felt.
But instead I wandered off, walking along the tents that lined the back of the field and looking over all of the merchandise for sale. I didn’t want to mask my feelings with a smile. I wanted to be alone with who I really was. Sarah was with someone else, Donna wanted more than I could ever give her. I could hear the train whistle blowing in the distance, and instead of stepping back to watch, I wanted to stand on the tracks. I didn’t want to be left standing if it meant standing alone.
“You don’t look so good,” Terry called from my left.
“Thanks.” I shook my head as my eyes danced over leather belts and buckles.
“You don’t ever make life easy, do ya?”
“It’s not in my nature.” I laughed sardonically and took another drink.
“I know you probably don’t care if this ends up hurting you in the end, but have you thought about what it will do to Sarah?”
My eyes met his. “Every f**king second.”
“And Donna?” He cocked an eyebrow.
“Donna is just looking for some company.”
“Oh? She could have found it in my brother. You know that f**ker isn’t picky.”
“Still bitter about Lizzy?”
Terry shook his head and looked off at the leather goods ahead of us. “Nah . . . he did me a favor with that one. Stop changing the f**king subject.”
“What do you want me to say? Huh? The world is full of disappointment. Donna knew from day one that I was hung up on Sarah.”
“She wants you, dumbass. And you aren’t exactly sending her clear signals.”
“Spare me the f**king lecture. Sarah is with Derek. She is never going to leave him. Am I supposed to just never be with anyone?”
“You’re thinking with the wrong head, man.”
“Nah . . . I’m thinking with my heart. Even worse.”
Terry patted me on the shoulder as he sighed loudly. “Fuck, man. Promise me you’ll keep your cool.” His eyes met mine and I could already feel my blood begin to boil. “Derek is telling everyone he is taking her to Texas to meet his family.”
“What?” I didn’t mean to yell but I was completely blindsided. “No.” I shook my head. “She wouldn’t do that.”
“She didn’t deny it, man. She was right there.” I glared over at him and he ran his hand over his hair. “I’m gonna give you a minute to think over what you want to do about that. Just . . . if she seems happy, isn’t that what you want?”
I nodded but I was crushed. I knew she was feeling what I was, and deep down she knew what kind of person Derek was. I threw my can in the trash and ordered another drink. I preferred to forget this trip altogether. It would all be over in two weeks anyway. Maybe Terry was right and I just needed to f**king get over it and move on. Somehow.
26
SARAH
AS THE SUN began to sink, the bands got better. The only thing missing was E, who had disappeared about an hour ago. I tried to focus on the lyrics as the singer belted her heart out onstage, but I couldn’t get E out of my mind.
A friend could worry about a friend. That’s what I told myself as I scanned the crowd for him. Derek’s arms tightened around my waist as he danced behind me, but I just swayed my h*ps slightly, not feeling up to dancing.
The idea of leaving California after our vacation and heading straight to Texas freaked me out. Derek grew up with his grandmother and his older brother, who was off in Texas working as a lawyer. How much trouble could one little old lady be? But I still couldn’t settle my stomach at the thought of meeting anyone’s family. I knew what kind of secrets can be hidden behind locked doors.
“You all right?” Cass asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Yeah.” I shrugged.
“I’m going to grab Tuck a drink. You want to come?”
“Sure,” I replied with a little too much enthusiasm. Derek released his hold on me and Cass and I wove our way through the crowd to the tents set up in the back.
“You doing okay? You looked a little out of it back there.”
“I’m nervous about meeting Derek’s family.” I shrugged.
“Yeah, I get that. Meeting Dorris was a real . . . fun experience.” Cass laughed.
“You’re not helping.” I laughed and a hand landed on my hip.
“Maybe I can help,” E whispered into my ear, and Cass grinned as my face flushed.
“I’m gonna grab the drinks.” Cass turned and made her way to the tent, leaving me alone with E. I turned around to face him.
He smiled as he ran the pad of his thumb over my cheek. “I went off for a drink and you moved on with your life.” He put his hand over his heart dramatically and swayed slightly.
“How many of those drinks have you had? You’ve been gone a long time.”
“Long enough for you to make plans to meet Derek’s family?” E cocked his head, and even though his tone was playful, I knew his mood was anything but.
“We’re friends, E.” It hurt to look him in the eye and lie about what I was feeling in my heart.
“Yeah?” He reached out and took my hand, his fingertips rubbing over my knuckles. “You don’t feel that?” He leaned in closer and his lips brushed against my earlobe. I shivered at the touch. “You don’t feel this, Sarah?”
I closed my eyes as I forced my body not to melt against his and shook my head. It was painful and he pulled back, nodding.
“I must have imagined it then. I apologize.” The muscles in his jaw jumped under the skin as his eyes searched mine for the truth, and of course he could see it. E could always see right through me like no one else.
“E . . .” I wanted to say so many things, but the words didn’t seem as if they would do the situation justice. I had f**ked up beyond belief, and making it right would mean hurting the one person who seemed to get me, but E was a wild card. Derek had promised commitment and I needed that. I craved it.
“It’s fine, Sarah. I just want you to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted.”
“I know that.”
He pulled me in for a hug, and as much as I wanted to resist, my body wouldn’t let me. My hands slid over the tight muscles of his back as his hands trailed up and down my spine. He pressed his lips against my throat and I sighed.
His body stiffened momentarily. “You can’t make little noises like that when I have you in my arms.” He groaned as he held me tighter. I tried to pull back but he wasn’t letting me budge.
“E, I’m sorry.”
“Shh . . . don’t say you’re sorry. Sorry means you regret it and I know you don’t.”
“I will never regret you, E. You are my best friend and there are no words for how much I care about you.”
