White Trash Love Song
Page 19
“There’s a word for how I feel about you.” He pulled back to look me in the eye and my heart crumbled.
“I think we should probably head back.” This time when I pulled away, he let his hands fall to his sides. The look on his face destroyed me. I could feel my world spiraling but I had no choice but to hold on and hope for the best. Derek had changed, and for me to hurt him now the way he had hurt me in the past would be a horrible betrayal. I couldn’t help the way I was feeling, but I could stop myself from acting on those feelings.
“Are you ready?” Cass asked as her eyes darted between us.
I nodded as I sniffled, hating myself. Cass looked to E, who was still staring at me, his eyes burning through me.
“Yeah. We’re done.” He turned and walked into the crowd. Cass gave me a sympathetic look before we followed behind him.
I took a drink from her hand and took a big gulp, hoping it would settle my nerves. I knew the rest of the night was going to be excruciating.
27
ERIC
I COULDN’T CLEAR MY thoughts as I navigated us back to the rest of the band. I wanted to flip out and scream at Sarah for playing with my emotions, but I knew without a doubt she never meant to break my heart. I also knew that she was hurting every bit as much as I was. I could see the pain in her eyes. I just didn’t know if the pain was from wanting to be with me or from not wanting to hurt me.
Either way, the damage was done. Sarah had made her choice and I wouldn’t interfere with what she wanted.
I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t pissed, but most of that was directed at myself and Derek. I tried to plaster on a smile as I made my way to Donna.
“Where have you been?” She cocked an eyebrow at me.
“I got lost, but I found my way back to you.”
“Aww . . . You’re drunk,” she joked as she wrapped her arms around my waist from the side. I draped and arm around her and kissed the top of her head.
“It improves my dance skills.”
“I think you dance just fine.” She glanced up at me and I shot her a wink. Although I wasn’t exactly sober the day we practically f**ked on the dance floor, there was no denying that we had chemistry.
“I had a good partner.”
“Just good, huh?” She pressed her head against my chest, and even though I was dying inside, Donna always managed to make me laugh.
I was thankful that it was now dark and I wouldn’t have to see Derek with his hands all over Sarah.
“Do you ever think you will get past what your ex did? Move on and get married?”
She shook her head as she stared off at the stage. “You?”
“Nah. Not the marrying type.”
“I envy them.” She nodded toward Tucker and Cass, and we both watched them for a moment as I ran my hand up and down Donna’s back. What they had wasn’t in the cards for me. Every time I put myself out there, I got hurt and I couldn’t take much more.
“They make it not look so bad.” Donna laughed sadly and I kissed her hair.
“You will have that. You’re too good of a person not to.”
“And what about you? You think you’re a bad person?”
I glanced back up at the stage. A new band was getting ready to perform, and the crowd was getting louder. I never answered her and she didn’t push me any further.
One band blended into the next, but anything was better than being locked up in that hotel room. I felt as if I were slowly losing my mind with every passing day.
“If you didn’t get this gig, where do you think you would be?” I asked.
“I’d probably be backstage at this concert begging bands to let me work for them,” she said with a laugh.
“This is your dream? You never wanted to do something else?”
She thought it over for a minute and shrugged. “I wanted to get married and have children.”
“So you’re just going to let one ass**le kill your dreams?”
She glared up at me and back to the stage. “Dreams change, people change. I don’t think I would be that good of a mother.”
“Are you kidding? Look at how you take care of the band. You’re a natural.”
“I am kind of amazing.”
I laughed as I squeezed her against my side.
“What about you? You want kids?”
“I’m not really a good role model for children. I can’t even get my own shit together, I couldn’t put a kid through that.”
“You know, you’re not half as bad as you think you are.”
“Opinions may vary.” I glanced over my shoulder to Sarah.
28
SARAH
IT HURT LIKE hell to look E in the eye and tell him that it was never going to happen with us. He deserved so much better than I could ever give him. I was a broken mess, too damaged for anyone to take on.
It was better this way.
I was thankful Derek never questioned my crazy mood swings or pushed me to open up more about my past, although it made me feel alone even when I was by his side. At times I wanted to speak up and explain why I was feeling the way I was, but I didn’t know what I would do with myself if Derek didn’t want me anymore and I was left by myself. After we went to Texas, things would only get better for us.
I squeezed Derek’s hand as I watched his profile. He was cheering for the band and I couldn’t help but smile at how excited he got over music. It had always been an escape for me.
“They’re good,” I shouted over the crowd.
Derek’s eyes met mine. “We’re better.” He smirked as he pulled my hand to his mouth and kissed it. I smiled up at him, and he turned to face me. He breathed deeply, as if about to say something important. “Okay, now, don’t get mad.”
My first reaction was to narrow my eyes and prepare for him to break my heart, but what he said next nearly knocked me off my feet.
“I bought tickets the other day. To Texas. We leave the day after tomorrow.”
I stood frozen. I was relieved that he was serious about us, but then the anger started to set in. “How did you know I was going to say yes?”
“Why wouldn’t you?” His eyes narrowed.
I felt like an ass**le. “I mean, leaving early. You know how much I’ve missed Cass. This may be the last chance to spend time with her for months.”
He sighed as if he had expected me to say something else. “We need to focus on us now.” His hand slid over the side of my neck as he leaned in closer. “I love you, Sarah. I thought you loved me, too.”
“I do love you, but . . .”
“But nothing. Either you want to be with me or you can f**king leave,” he snapped, and I pulled back from him, shocked by his sudden change in attitude. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” He ran his hands roughly through his long, dark hair.
“I’m not leaving.” I could feel the tears forming in my eyes.
“Good.” He stepped toward me again with a smirk on his face, but I took a step back to keep distance between us.
“No. I mean I am not leaving my friend early.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“Fine.” His face was nearly touching mine and anger radiated off him. “Then I am leaving.” Derek took off through the crowd and I called after him, but he never stopped and my pleas were drowned out by the music.
I hung my head, not sure how everything went from cloud nine to a disaster so quickly. I wanted to chase after him and tell him I was sorry, but I couldn’t move.
“You okay?” Cass asked, placing her hand on my back. I didn’t turn to look at her. I didn’t want to ruin this time for everyone else. I nodded and tried my best to put a smile on my face. “It looked like you were fighting.”
“We’re fine.” I tried to sound cheery, but I knew my voice gave me away. “He just . . . wasn’t feeling well.”
“Did he leave without you?”
“Well . . . it’s not like I’m alone or anything.” I tried to play it off as if it were no big deal, but she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in for a hug, and I couldn’t stop a tear from falling on her shoulder.
“Come on.” She pulled me toward Tucker, and I realized that everyone was watching me and I froze, pulling out of her grasp.
“Actually, I think I need a drink.”
She looked at me, unsure, but nodded and let her hand fall. I wanted to run, run to Derek, run from him.
As I turned to walk away, I heard a girl scream Tucker’s name. Cass grabbed my arm to keep us from getting separated as the people around us began to chant his name over and over, growing louder and louder. “Tuck-er! Tuck-er!”
“This could get really ugly if we don’t get out of this crowd,” she said wearily as E’s arm came around my waist. It didn’t matter what was going on, he always put me first.
“You guys wanna play?” Tuck’s eyes moved between us, and I glanced up at E.
“If Sarah plays.”
A knowing smile spread across Tuck’s lips, and he nodded once and turned to pull Cass from the crowd. E and I followed with the twins at our sides.
As we reached security at the side of the stage, they stopped us. “You have to have a pass to get back here,” the man said with his hand up in front of Tucker’s chest.
“Tuck?” a voice called from behind the man, and Danny Demon, the lead singer of Crash and Burn, came over to embrace Tucker in a hug. I grew up listening to their music and it was surreal to see him standing before us in the flesh. If I wanted to, I could reach out and touch his green Mohawk . . . I had to hold back from doing so.
“You doing next year’s Music Awards? That was dope. Heard about the proposal. Congrats, man,” Danny said with a slight Irish accent.
“It’s been a minute, man. How you been?”
“Just livin’, man. Tiny, let them back. They’re my friends and the crowd is about to rip them apart.”
The security guard sighed and rolled his eyes but stepped out of the way for us to get behind the stage. Once we were out of the crowd I began to relax in E’s arm, but he did not let me go.
“Who’s up next?” Tuck asked as Danny walked ahead of us.
“We’re up in ten. You guys looking to perform?”
Tucker nodded, and Danny grinned from ear to ear. E dropped his hold on my waist and spoke directly into Tucker’s ear.
“Not exactly how you pictured your honeymoon, huh?” I gave Cass a half smile.
“It’s fine. Nothing really compares to seeing Tucker up on-stage, and as long as we’re not on that stupid tour bus, I can deal with it.”
Tucker’s arm went over Cass’s shoulders, and he pressed a kiss to her temple and then asked me, “You good with a duet for ‘Loved’?”
I nodded but my nerves were on edge. I had never performed without Derek, and he was nowhere to be found.
We stood by the stairs to the stage as Danny Demon introduced us, and the reaction of the crowd caught me off guard. It was hard to see outside the bubble we were in while touring and spending all of our time on buses. The crowd was deafening, and it was the first time I realized how big Damaged had grown. It was a high unlike anything else I had ever experienced.
As the opening notes to the song began to play, the crowd quieted and my nerves dissipated. The music pulsed through the speakers around us and I could feel it vibrating through my body. It became its own living creature and we were wrapped inside it. The stage was my home. It was where I felt safe and one of the only places I could always count on to let my walls down.
I closed my eyes as I sang along, wishing I never had to leave the stage.
In a crowded room, you’re all I see.
So thought consumed, baby let it be . . .
The past can haunt, but it cannot touch.
You’ve given your all and loved too much.
Take my hand, let me lead . . .
You’re loved too, baby, and you belong with me . . .
None of my problems mattered, none of my secrets were hidden. I could let everything out and people wouldn’t judge me. I had heard Tucker sing this song a thousand times, but never truly understood how much pain went into it until the words came from my own lips. It was about watching someone you loved being hurt by someone else and vowing to be there when everything crashed down for the person. I knew why it meant so much for Tuck, and now it meant something for me.
As the song came to an end, I smiled out at the never-ending sea of people before turning to follow the twins offstage, on cloud nine from my music therapy, but a hand grabbed my arm to stop me. I turned to look up at E, and my heart beat out of my chest and everyone faded to black around us.
“We have to sing our song,” he said with a grin. I halfheartedly pulled against his grip as I shook my head, unable to keep the smile from my face. In this moment, I knew two things. It was wrong for me to sing a song about my feelings for E when I knew Derek was out in that crowd somewhere, and there was no way I could say no as E looked at me expectantly. I nodded once and E pulled me into his arms for a quick hug. He grabbed a guitar from Danny and perched himself on the edge of a stool. I stood by his side with a mic in hand as my heart raced.
E began to strum the guitar as he looked up to me. His voice was low and haunting as he began to sing.
The flames lick at my fingertips as I’m drawn to the fire,
I want to run but I’m consumed by the overwhelming desire . . .
I joined him, singing the next several lines, his eyes never leaving mine. I wanted this song to last forever, and that is when I remembered we had never written the ending. But E looked calm and completely at ease as we sang through the chorus. He continued the song after what we had written together, and I could only stand there in front of thousands of people while he told me everything he was feeling.
“I think we should probably head back.” This time when I pulled away, he let his hands fall to his sides. The look on his face destroyed me. I could feel my world spiraling but I had no choice but to hold on and hope for the best. Derek had changed, and for me to hurt him now the way he had hurt me in the past would be a horrible betrayal. I couldn’t help the way I was feeling, but I could stop myself from acting on those feelings.
“Are you ready?” Cass asked as her eyes darted between us.
I nodded as I sniffled, hating myself. Cass looked to E, who was still staring at me, his eyes burning through me.
“Yeah. We’re done.” He turned and walked into the crowd. Cass gave me a sympathetic look before we followed behind him.
I took a drink from her hand and took a big gulp, hoping it would settle my nerves. I knew the rest of the night was going to be excruciating.
27
ERIC
I COULDN’T CLEAR MY thoughts as I navigated us back to the rest of the band. I wanted to flip out and scream at Sarah for playing with my emotions, but I knew without a doubt she never meant to break my heart. I also knew that she was hurting every bit as much as I was. I could see the pain in her eyes. I just didn’t know if the pain was from wanting to be with me or from not wanting to hurt me.
Either way, the damage was done. Sarah had made her choice and I wouldn’t interfere with what she wanted.
I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t pissed, but most of that was directed at myself and Derek. I tried to plaster on a smile as I made my way to Donna.
“Where have you been?” She cocked an eyebrow at me.
“I got lost, but I found my way back to you.”
“Aww . . . You’re drunk,” she joked as she wrapped her arms around my waist from the side. I draped and arm around her and kissed the top of her head.
“It improves my dance skills.”
“I think you dance just fine.” She glanced up at me and I shot her a wink. Although I wasn’t exactly sober the day we practically f**ked on the dance floor, there was no denying that we had chemistry.
“I had a good partner.”
“Just good, huh?” She pressed her head against my chest, and even though I was dying inside, Donna always managed to make me laugh.
I was thankful that it was now dark and I wouldn’t have to see Derek with his hands all over Sarah.
“Do you ever think you will get past what your ex did? Move on and get married?”
She shook her head as she stared off at the stage. “You?”
“Nah. Not the marrying type.”
“I envy them.” She nodded toward Tucker and Cass, and we both watched them for a moment as I ran my hand up and down Donna’s back. What they had wasn’t in the cards for me. Every time I put myself out there, I got hurt and I couldn’t take much more.
“They make it not look so bad.” Donna laughed sadly and I kissed her hair.
“You will have that. You’re too good of a person not to.”
“And what about you? You think you’re a bad person?”
I glanced back up at the stage. A new band was getting ready to perform, and the crowd was getting louder. I never answered her and she didn’t push me any further.
One band blended into the next, but anything was better than being locked up in that hotel room. I felt as if I were slowly losing my mind with every passing day.
“If you didn’t get this gig, where do you think you would be?” I asked.
“I’d probably be backstage at this concert begging bands to let me work for them,” she said with a laugh.
“This is your dream? You never wanted to do something else?”
She thought it over for a minute and shrugged. “I wanted to get married and have children.”
“So you’re just going to let one ass**le kill your dreams?”
She glared up at me and back to the stage. “Dreams change, people change. I don’t think I would be that good of a mother.”
“Are you kidding? Look at how you take care of the band. You’re a natural.”
“I am kind of amazing.”
I laughed as I squeezed her against my side.
“What about you? You want kids?”
“I’m not really a good role model for children. I can’t even get my own shit together, I couldn’t put a kid through that.”
“You know, you’re not half as bad as you think you are.”
“Opinions may vary.” I glanced over my shoulder to Sarah.
28
SARAH
IT HURT LIKE hell to look E in the eye and tell him that it was never going to happen with us. He deserved so much better than I could ever give him. I was a broken mess, too damaged for anyone to take on.
It was better this way.
I was thankful Derek never questioned my crazy mood swings or pushed me to open up more about my past, although it made me feel alone even when I was by his side. At times I wanted to speak up and explain why I was feeling the way I was, but I didn’t know what I would do with myself if Derek didn’t want me anymore and I was left by myself. After we went to Texas, things would only get better for us.
I squeezed Derek’s hand as I watched his profile. He was cheering for the band and I couldn’t help but smile at how excited he got over music. It had always been an escape for me.
“They’re good,” I shouted over the crowd.
Derek’s eyes met mine. “We’re better.” He smirked as he pulled my hand to his mouth and kissed it. I smiled up at him, and he turned to face me. He breathed deeply, as if about to say something important. “Okay, now, don’t get mad.”
My first reaction was to narrow my eyes and prepare for him to break my heart, but what he said next nearly knocked me off my feet.
“I bought tickets the other day. To Texas. We leave the day after tomorrow.”
I stood frozen. I was relieved that he was serious about us, but then the anger started to set in. “How did you know I was going to say yes?”
“Why wouldn’t you?” His eyes narrowed.
I felt like an ass**le. “I mean, leaving early. You know how much I’ve missed Cass. This may be the last chance to spend time with her for months.”
He sighed as if he had expected me to say something else. “We need to focus on us now.” His hand slid over the side of my neck as he leaned in closer. “I love you, Sarah. I thought you loved me, too.”
“I do love you, but . . .”
“But nothing. Either you want to be with me or you can f**king leave,” he snapped, and I pulled back from him, shocked by his sudden change in attitude. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” He ran his hands roughly through his long, dark hair.
“I’m not leaving.” I could feel the tears forming in my eyes.
“Good.” He stepped toward me again with a smirk on his face, but I took a step back to keep distance between us.
“No. I mean I am not leaving my friend early.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“Fine.” His face was nearly touching mine and anger radiated off him. “Then I am leaving.” Derek took off through the crowd and I called after him, but he never stopped and my pleas were drowned out by the music.
I hung my head, not sure how everything went from cloud nine to a disaster so quickly. I wanted to chase after him and tell him I was sorry, but I couldn’t move.
“You okay?” Cass asked, placing her hand on my back. I didn’t turn to look at her. I didn’t want to ruin this time for everyone else. I nodded and tried my best to put a smile on my face. “It looked like you were fighting.”
“We’re fine.” I tried to sound cheery, but I knew my voice gave me away. “He just . . . wasn’t feeling well.”
“Did he leave without you?”
“Well . . . it’s not like I’m alone or anything.” I tried to play it off as if it were no big deal, but she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in for a hug, and I couldn’t stop a tear from falling on her shoulder.
“Come on.” She pulled me toward Tucker, and I realized that everyone was watching me and I froze, pulling out of her grasp.
“Actually, I think I need a drink.”
She looked at me, unsure, but nodded and let her hand fall. I wanted to run, run to Derek, run from him.
As I turned to walk away, I heard a girl scream Tucker’s name. Cass grabbed my arm to keep us from getting separated as the people around us began to chant his name over and over, growing louder and louder. “Tuck-er! Tuck-er!”
“This could get really ugly if we don’t get out of this crowd,” she said wearily as E’s arm came around my waist. It didn’t matter what was going on, he always put me first.
“You guys wanna play?” Tuck’s eyes moved between us, and I glanced up at E.
“If Sarah plays.”
A knowing smile spread across Tuck’s lips, and he nodded once and turned to pull Cass from the crowd. E and I followed with the twins at our sides.
As we reached security at the side of the stage, they stopped us. “You have to have a pass to get back here,” the man said with his hand up in front of Tucker’s chest.
“Tuck?” a voice called from behind the man, and Danny Demon, the lead singer of Crash and Burn, came over to embrace Tucker in a hug. I grew up listening to their music and it was surreal to see him standing before us in the flesh. If I wanted to, I could reach out and touch his green Mohawk . . . I had to hold back from doing so.
“You doing next year’s Music Awards? That was dope. Heard about the proposal. Congrats, man,” Danny said with a slight Irish accent.
“It’s been a minute, man. How you been?”
“Just livin’, man. Tiny, let them back. They’re my friends and the crowd is about to rip them apart.”
The security guard sighed and rolled his eyes but stepped out of the way for us to get behind the stage. Once we were out of the crowd I began to relax in E’s arm, but he did not let me go.
“Who’s up next?” Tuck asked as Danny walked ahead of us.
“We’re up in ten. You guys looking to perform?”
Tucker nodded, and Danny grinned from ear to ear. E dropped his hold on my waist and spoke directly into Tucker’s ear.
“Not exactly how you pictured your honeymoon, huh?” I gave Cass a half smile.
“It’s fine. Nothing really compares to seeing Tucker up on-stage, and as long as we’re not on that stupid tour bus, I can deal with it.”
Tucker’s arm went over Cass’s shoulders, and he pressed a kiss to her temple and then asked me, “You good with a duet for ‘Loved’?”
I nodded but my nerves were on edge. I had never performed without Derek, and he was nowhere to be found.
We stood by the stairs to the stage as Danny Demon introduced us, and the reaction of the crowd caught me off guard. It was hard to see outside the bubble we were in while touring and spending all of our time on buses. The crowd was deafening, and it was the first time I realized how big Damaged had grown. It was a high unlike anything else I had ever experienced.
As the opening notes to the song began to play, the crowd quieted and my nerves dissipated. The music pulsed through the speakers around us and I could feel it vibrating through my body. It became its own living creature and we were wrapped inside it. The stage was my home. It was where I felt safe and one of the only places I could always count on to let my walls down.
I closed my eyes as I sang along, wishing I never had to leave the stage.
In a crowded room, you’re all I see.
So thought consumed, baby let it be . . .
The past can haunt, but it cannot touch.
You’ve given your all and loved too much.
Take my hand, let me lead . . .
You’re loved too, baby, and you belong with me . . .
None of my problems mattered, none of my secrets were hidden. I could let everything out and people wouldn’t judge me. I had heard Tucker sing this song a thousand times, but never truly understood how much pain went into it until the words came from my own lips. It was about watching someone you loved being hurt by someone else and vowing to be there when everything crashed down for the person. I knew why it meant so much for Tuck, and now it meant something for me.
As the song came to an end, I smiled out at the never-ending sea of people before turning to follow the twins offstage, on cloud nine from my music therapy, but a hand grabbed my arm to stop me. I turned to look up at E, and my heart beat out of my chest and everyone faded to black around us.
“We have to sing our song,” he said with a grin. I halfheartedly pulled against his grip as I shook my head, unable to keep the smile from my face. In this moment, I knew two things. It was wrong for me to sing a song about my feelings for E when I knew Derek was out in that crowd somewhere, and there was no way I could say no as E looked at me expectantly. I nodded once and E pulled me into his arms for a quick hug. He grabbed a guitar from Danny and perched himself on the edge of a stool. I stood by his side with a mic in hand as my heart raced.
E began to strum the guitar as he looked up to me. His voice was low and haunting as he began to sing.
The flames lick at my fingertips as I’m drawn to the fire,
I want to run but I’m consumed by the overwhelming desire . . .
I joined him, singing the next several lines, his eyes never leaving mine. I wanted this song to last forever, and that is when I remembered we had never written the ending. But E looked calm and completely at ease as we sang through the chorus. He continued the song after what we had written together, and I could only stand there in front of thousands of people while he told me everything he was feeling.
