White Trash Love Song
Page 20
My heart skips from your glance and I can’t look away,
You’ll break me but take me, there’s no other way,
Life on the road, babe, I’m a rolling stone,
No matter where life takes us, you’ll always be my home.
We sang through the chorus one last time, and it took everything inside me to keep my voice from shaking. The crowd erupted in applause, but all I could hear was the thudding of my heart in my ears. E stood, guitar in hand, and pulled me into his arms. I felt safe and I knew he would always be home for me, too. I glanced out over the people below the stage, and my eyes locked on Derek’s. His expression was a mixture of anger and pain, and it physically hurt me to see that look. It was the same look that had echoed on my face when he had cheated on me so long ago. I pulled back from E, not able to look to him and see the hurt in his eyes. This was what Cass had warned me about. This was what I had been trying to avoid. I could barely breathe around the lump that had formed in my throat as I ran off the stage, leaving E standing alone. I screamed Derek’s name while shoving through the fans to get to him so I could explain, but he was gone.
THE NIGHT WAS slowly winding down and I hated that I would soon have to go back to the hotel and find out if I had been abandoned by Derek or if he would be waiting for me. I wasn’t sure which I preferred, and I felt horrible for even feeling that way.
I didn’t know what I would do if he was gone. Without the band I had no one. My mother was only a few hours away, but that was never an option. I hadn’t spoken to her in years.
I tried to keep a smile on my face, but I was cracking. I needed to see Derek so I could find out where we stood. I felt as if I were being taken to my execution as we made our way to the limo. The twins talked animatedly about all the women they had hit on at the concert, Cass and Tucker were whispering to each other, and Donna was debating bands with E. I was completely alone, surrounded by my friends. I stared off toward the heavily tinted windows, but it was nighttime and I couldn’t see anything besides an occasional streetlight. I ran my hand over the black leather seat beside me, tracing the stitching with my fingertip. Derek should have been at my side.
“You okay?” E’s voice cut through my thoughts, and I glanced up at him. He was sitting low in his seat, his hands behind his head, eyes locked on me. Donna was busy playing with her phone and didn’t seem to care that he was watching me. I knew my running off the stage had hurt him, but I wasn’t ready to deal with that now. I couldn’t handle much more of any of this.
“I’m fine.” I smiled, mask in place. I looked back toward the window knowing damn well E could see through my lies. Maybe I should have told Derek I would leave for Texas early with him. What was stopping me? He was finally making the commitment and I was telling him to wait.
We pulled up outside the hotel and I was becoming increasingly nervous. I had no idea what I would do if he wasn’t inside.
No one spoke as we rode the elevator to our floor. Everyone parted ways as we hit the third floor, but I lingered behind, not wanting anyone to see if Derek had left. I watched as everyone paired off, except for E and Donna. He walked her to her door and told her good-night before walking past me to his room. He paused outside his door, staring at me. I slid in my card and pushed the door open and walked inside.
It was empty and I wanted to scream, but I saw Derek’s bag still on the floor. He hadn’t left the state, but he sure as hell hadn’t come back here. I pulled out my phone and dialed his number. It rang and rang until his voice mail picked up. I hung up and tossed my phone on the bed. I jumped at the sound of a soft knock on the open door behind me and spun around.
“You still okay?” E asked, his head cocked to the side.
“Yeah.” I smiled, trying to hide my sadness. “He didn’t leave. His bags are here.”
“But he’s not?”
“No.” I looked over at his bag on the floor.
“Yeah, I didn’t think he would be.”
“He’s not that guy anymore.” I hated defending him, especially to E.
My phone rang and I jumped again, grabbing it off the bed. “It’s Derek.”
E just nodded and pulled the door to my room closed as I answered. I was relieved he had left me alone because I had no idea how Derek was going to act. I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Hey.” I tried to sound cheery.
“You alone?” Derek’s words were slurred and it sounded as if he was in a bar or a club.
“Of course. I just got back. I’m glad you didn’t leave.”
“Why would I leave? I paid for the room.” His voice was cold and it felt as if I had been punched in the stomach, but I deserved it.
“I’m sorry . . . about earlier. I do want to meet your family.”
“Yeah? I’m leaving day after tomorrow. I want you with me.”
“I will be.”
“I love you so much, Sarah.”
“I love you, too.”
He hung up the phone and I leaned against the wall as I thought about having to leave all of my friends. I knew I wouldn’t get to see them again for a long time, and it killed me.
29
ERIC
I LAY IN MY bed recounting the night. It made me ill to think of anyone ever hurting Sarah, and I knew in time Derek would break her heart again. She was already so fragile there was no telling what it would do to her. When I saw him below the stage, I knew things were only going to get worse for her.
The phone rang next to my bed and I ignored it, but whoever it was called back immediately. I reluctantly pulled myself from my thoughts and picked up the receiver.
“Hey,” Sarah said with a loud sigh.
“You okay?”
She laughed and I could picture her shaking her head. “I’m fine. You don’t always need to ask me that.”
“I just don’t want you to be upset.”
“I’m going to Texas, E,” she blurted out. I ran my hand over my jaw as I let that sink in once again.
“When?”
“Day after tomorrow. It’s for the best.”
“For who?” I couldn’t hide my anger.
“We’ve already been through this.”
“But things have changed.”
“Nothing’s changed, E. I shouldn’t have told him I wouldn’t go.”
“Is he there?”
“No. He probably won’t be for a while. I think he was partying.”
I hung up and made my way to her room. I was only wearing my jeans and I didn’t bother to put on a shirt. I needed to say a proper good-bye. Once Derek was back, I knew he wouldn’t let me have a moment alone with her and he was right not to.
I knocked on her door, running my hand over my hair as I waited for her to answer. She pulled the door open slowly, her sad eyes meeting mine.
“You can’t leave.”
“E,” she sighed, and shook her head slowly, her hair falling around her face.
I stepped around her, slamming the door behind me and then pacing the floor of her room. “He is no good for you, Sarah.”
She followed me toward the bed, sitting down on the edge as I continued to walk the length of the room.
“I can’t just sit back and watch him hurt you anymore.”
“This hurts, E.”
I stopped and turned to look at her, saw the pain in her eyes. “Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?” I was trying to keep calm, but it was virtually impossible. She hung her head as her nails dug into her knees leaving tiny, red half-moon indents.
“You can’t do this. Don’t do to Donna what he’s done to me.”
I leaned down over Sarah, my hands on either side of her, pressing into the mattress. “I am nothing like him.”
“I know that.” Her voice was small. “I won’t be like him either. I’m taken, E. As long as he is faithful to me, I won’t go behind his back.”
“Faithful? You think just because I haven’t f**ked you that you haven’t already cheated on Derek?”
Her hand cracked across my face and her nostrils flared in anger as she narrowed her eyes.
I stood up, running my hand over my cheek. “I shouldn’t have said that . . .”
She held up her hand to stop me from talking as she pushed from the bed. She walked around me and opened the door to the room, her head hung as she waited for me to leave.
“I will miss you . . . so much,” she said quietly.
I nodded, walking toward her, stopping just inches from her. She refused to look me in the eye. “I won’t try again, Sarah. If I walk out now, I’m done.”
A small sob ripped from her chest but she nodded slowly. It was physically painful to walk out of Sarah’s life, but I knew from the beginning this was the way it would end.
I made my way back to my room and picked up Sarah’s guitar, which still sat propped against the wall. I began to strum the notes to our song. It was fitting that we never finished it together, just as we would never finish what had begun between us. Every word I sang to her I meant.
As I continued to play, I thought of all the ways my life had gone wrong. Every path I chose when I knew it would only hurt me, every person I tried to love when I knew I would never get it in return. I played for hours until my fingertips were numb and I knew what I needed to do.
There was a woman who wanted my company, who desperately craved someone to love her, and maybe I could be that man for her.
Donna was amazing. She was kind and funny and didn’t look at me as if I were a mistake. I could be whom she wanted and I knew it would never be thrown back in my face.
It didn’t take long for me to make my way to her room. She had been sleeping and pushed her hair back from her face. Even when woken in the middle of the night, she was absolutely stunning.
I had a hand braced on either side of the doorframe. She smiled when she saw me and I couldn’t help but smile back at her. I reached out, running my hand over the soft angles of her jaw. She stepped forward and pressed her lips against mine. I groaned as my hand slid back into her hair, and I ran my tongue over her lower lip. Her body pressed into mine and I moaned at the physical contact I craved. I needed to feel wanted just as much as she did, and we moved against each other with an incredible hunger.
I needed to move on and make myself forget, and Donna needed the same from me. I saw it now. She wasn’t asking anything from me that I couldn’t give her. She just didn’t want to be alone. Together we could help heal old wounds and learn to move forward. I stepped forward and pushed the door closed behind me. I slipped her nightgown off her shoulders and reluctantly pulled my mouth from hers as I tugged it down over her br**sts and it pooled at her feet. She was incredibly beautiful and I was a fool for not seeing it sooner. My hand slid roughly over her breast as I walked us toward her bed, not able to wait any longer to mask the ache in my chest.
30
SARAH
I AWOKE TO DEREK’S climbing into bed just after three in the morning. His hand slid over my breast roughly as he pushed his lips hard against mine. I shoved against his chest, but he pinned my shoulder down with his.
“Get off me!” I could smell the alcohol coming off him in waves and it was nauseating.
He reluctantly rolled off me. “Fuck,” he barked loudly as his fists came down against the bed. “What is wrong with you?”
I got up from the bed and went to the kitchen area, filling a small glass with water and drinking it down quickly as I struggled to slow my breathing.
“You caught me off guard.” I refilled my cup and drank more slowly this time.
“You were expecting someone else?” he said angrily.
I rolled my eyes. “No, Derek. I only have you.” It was painful even to say the words but it was the truth now. I had pushed away the one person who gave a damn about me for Derek, and now he was throwing it in my face. Now instead of feeling empty I felt heartbroken.
I set my cup in the sink and made my way to the desk, turning on the small table lamp so I could write. He immediately jumped from the bed to follow me.
“I have f**king needs, Sarah.” He stood over me from behind.
“I’m just not in the mood.”
“That’s the f**king point! You’re never in the mood anymore. Ever since we came here.”
“You know that’s not true, Derek.” I sighed as a tear fell to my paper, and I hunched over farther so he couldn’t see it.
“Yeah, well, it’s getting f**king old. Maybe I should find someone who actually wants me.”
“Maybe you should.” I rolled my eyes and tried to focus on the paper.
“Fine.” He stomped across the room and I jumped as the hotel-room door slammed hard. I scrambled to my feet and grabbed the tiny trash can in the kitchen as I heaved the contents of my stomach into it.
I slid down on the cool tile floor, my back against the counter as the room began to spin. I was losing control. I tried to push out the fear and sadness, welcoming the familiar emptiness that had kept me together for all of these years. I needed to shut it all off, but the hurt hung thick in the air around me. It was all I could see, feel, and breathe. I was consumed by the pain and there was no escaping it.
I wrapped my arms around my knees, hugging myself as I rocked slowly and sang in my head, begging reality to shut off.
It felt like hours, days even, that I tried to calm myself, praying that Derek would come back and tell me it was all going to be okay. But I knew that wouldn’t happen. That wasn’t who he was. I knew exactly what he was doing.
I thought of my father’s old, rusty razor, caked in dried blood. I wanted the release, a place for the feelings to go. I wanted the tangible proof of the pain that was consuming me from the inside out. Maybe if Derek saw it, he wouldn’t be able to deny what he was doing to me. Maybe then he would stop and things could change.
You’ll break me but take me, there’s no other way,
Life on the road, babe, I’m a rolling stone,
No matter where life takes us, you’ll always be my home.
We sang through the chorus one last time, and it took everything inside me to keep my voice from shaking. The crowd erupted in applause, but all I could hear was the thudding of my heart in my ears. E stood, guitar in hand, and pulled me into his arms. I felt safe and I knew he would always be home for me, too. I glanced out over the people below the stage, and my eyes locked on Derek’s. His expression was a mixture of anger and pain, and it physically hurt me to see that look. It was the same look that had echoed on my face when he had cheated on me so long ago. I pulled back from E, not able to look to him and see the hurt in his eyes. This was what Cass had warned me about. This was what I had been trying to avoid. I could barely breathe around the lump that had formed in my throat as I ran off the stage, leaving E standing alone. I screamed Derek’s name while shoving through the fans to get to him so I could explain, but he was gone.
THE NIGHT WAS slowly winding down and I hated that I would soon have to go back to the hotel and find out if I had been abandoned by Derek or if he would be waiting for me. I wasn’t sure which I preferred, and I felt horrible for even feeling that way.
I didn’t know what I would do if he was gone. Without the band I had no one. My mother was only a few hours away, but that was never an option. I hadn’t spoken to her in years.
I tried to keep a smile on my face, but I was cracking. I needed to see Derek so I could find out where we stood. I felt as if I were being taken to my execution as we made our way to the limo. The twins talked animatedly about all the women they had hit on at the concert, Cass and Tucker were whispering to each other, and Donna was debating bands with E. I was completely alone, surrounded by my friends. I stared off toward the heavily tinted windows, but it was nighttime and I couldn’t see anything besides an occasional streetlight. I ran my hand over the black leather seat beside me, tracing the stitching with my fingertip. Derek should have been at my side.
“You okay?” E’s voice cut through my thoughts, and I glanced up at him. He was sitting low in his seat, his hands behind his head, eyes locked on me. Donna was busy playing with her phone and didn’t seem to care that he was watching me. I knew my running off the stage had hurt him, but I wasn’t ready to deal with that now. I couldn’t handle much more of any of this.
“I’m fine.” I smiled, mask in place. I looked back toward the window knowing damn well E could see through my lies. Maybe I should have told Derek I would leave for Texas early with him. What was stopping me? He was finally making the commitment and I was telling him to wait.
We pulled up outside the hotel and I was becoming increasingly nervous. I had no idea what I would do if he wasn’t inside.
No one spoke as we rode the elevator to our floor. Everyone parted ways as we hit the third floor, but I lingered behind, not wanting anyone to see if Derek had left. I watched as everyone paired off, except for E and Donna. He walked her to her door and told her good-night before walking past me to his room. He paused outside his door, staring at me. I slid in my card and pushed the door open and walked inside.
It was empty and I wanted to scream, but I saw Derek’s bag still on the floor. He hadn’t left the state, but he sure as hell hadn’t come back here. I pulled out my phone and dialed his number. It rang and rang until his voice mail picked up. I hung up and tossed my phone on the bed. I jumped at the sound of a soft knock on the open door behind me and spun around.
“You still okay?” E asked, his head cocked to the side.
“Yeah.” I smiled, trying to hide my sadness. “He didn’t leave. His bags are here.”
“But he’s not?”
“No.” I looked over at his bag on the floor.
“Yeah, I didn’t think he would be.”
“He’s not that guy anymore.” I hated defending him, especially to E.
My phone rang and I jumped again, grabbing it off the bed. “It’s Derek.”
E just nodded and pulled the door to my room closed as I answered. I was relieved he had left me alone because I had no idea how Derek was going to act. I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Hey.” I tried to sound cheery.
“You alone?” Derek’s words were slurred and it sounded as if he was in a bar or a club.
“Of course. I just got back. I’m glad you didn’t leave.”
“Why would I leave? I paid for the room.” His voice was cold and it felt as if I had been punched in the stomach, but I deserved it.
“I’m sorry . . . about earlier. I do want to meet your family.”
“Yeah? I’m leaving day after tomorrow. I want you with me.”
“I will be.”
“I love you so much, Sarah.”
“I love you, too.”
He hung up the phone and I leaned against the wall as I thought about having to leave all of my friends. I knew I wouldn’t get to see them again for a long time, and it killed me.
29
ERIC
I LAY IN MY bed recounting the night. It made me ill to think of anyone ever hurting Sarah, and I knew in time Derek would break her heart again. She was already so fragile there was no telling what it would do to her. When I saw him below the stage, I knew things were only going to get worse for her.
The phone rang next to my bed and I ignored it, but whoever it was called back immediately. I reluctantly pulled myself from my thoughts and picked up the receiver.
“Hey,” Sarah said with a loud sigh.
“You okay?”
She laughed and I could picture her shaking her head. “I’m fine. You don’t always need to ask me that.”
“I just don’t want you to be upset.”
“I’m going to Texas, E,” she blurted out. I ran my hand over my jaw as I let that sink in once again.
“When?”
“Day after tomorrow. It’s for the best.”
“For who?” I couldn’t hide my anger.
“We’ve already been through this.”
“But things have changed.”
“Nothing’s changed, E. I shouldn’t have told him I wouldn’t go.”
“Is he there?”
“No. He probably won’t be for a while. I think he was partying.”
I hung up and made my way to her room. I was only wearing my jeans and I didn’t bother to put on a shirt. I needed to say a proper good-bye. Once Derek was back, I knew he wouldn’t let me have a moment alone with her and he was right not to.
I knocked on her door, running my hand over my hair as I waited for her to answer. She pulled the door open slowly, her sad eyes meeting mine.
“You can’t leave.”
“E,” she sighed, and shook her head slowly, her hair falling around her face.
I stepped around her, slamming the door behind me and then pacing the floor of her room. “He is no good for you, Sarah.”
She followed me toward the bed, sitting down on the edge as I continued to walk the length of the room.
“I can’t just sit back and watch him hurt you anymore.”
“This hurts, E.”
I stopped and turned to look at her, saw the pain in her eyes. “Do you have any idea how much you mean to me?” I was trying to keep calm, but it was virtually impossible. She hung her head as her nails dug into her knees leaving tiny, red half-moon indents.
“You can’t do this. Don’t do to Donna what he’s done to me.”
I leaned down over Sarah, my hands on either side of her, pressing into the mattress. “I am nothing like him.”
“I know that.” Her voice was small. “I won’t be like him either. I’m taken, E. As long as he is faithful to me, I won’t go behind his back.”
“Faithful? You think just because I haven’t f**ked you that you haven’t already cheated on Derek?”
Her hand cracked across my face and her nostrils flared in anger as she narrowed her eyes.
I stood up, running my hand over my cheek. “I shouldn’t have said that . . .”
She held up her hand to stop me from talking as she pushed from the bed. She walked around me and opened the door to the room, her head hung as she waited for me to leave.
“I will miss you . . . so much,” she said quietly.
I nodded, walking toward her, stopping just inches from her. She refused to look me in the eye. “I won’t try again, Sarah. If I walk out now, I’m done.”
A small sob ripped from her chest but she nodded slowly. It was physically painful to walk out of Sarah’s life, but I knew from the beginning this was the way it would end.
I made my way back to my room and picked up Sarah’s guitar, which still sat propped against the wall. I began to strum the notes to our song. It was fitting that we never finished it together, just as we would never finish what had begun between us. Every word I sang to her I meant.
As I continued to play, I thought of all the ways my life had gone wrong. Every path I chose when I knew it would only hurt me, every person I tried to love when I knew I would never get it in return. I played for hours until my fingertips were numb and I knew what I needed to do.
There was a woman who wanted my company, who desperately craved someone to love her, and maybe I could be that man for her.
Donna was amazing. She was kind and funny and didn’t look at me as if I were a mistake. I could be whom she wanted and I knew it would never be thrown back in my face.
It didn’t take long for me to make my way to her room. She had been sleeping and pushed her hair back from her face. Even when woken in the middle of the night, she was absolutely stunning.
I had a hand braced on either side of the doorframe. She smiled when she saw me and I couldn’t help but smile back at her. I reached out, running my hand over the soft angles of her jaw. She stepped forward and pressed her lips against mine. I groaned as my hand slid back into her hair, and I ran my tongue over her lower lip. Her body pressed into mine and I moaned at the physical contact I craved. I needed to feel wanted just as much as she did, and we moved against each other with an incredible hunger.
I needed to move on and make myself forget, and Donna needed the same from me. I saw it now. She wasn’t asking anything from me that I couldn’t give her. She just didn’t want to be alone. Together we could help heal old wounds and learn to move forward. I stepped forward and pushed the door closed behind me. I slipped her nightgown off her shoulders and reluctantly pulled my mouth from hers as I tugged it down over her br**sts and it pooled at her feet. She was incredibly beautiful and I was a fool for not seeing it sooner. My hand slid roughly over her breast as I walked us toward her bed, not able to wait any longer to mask the ache in my chest.
30
SARAH
I AWOKE TO DEREK’S climbing into bed just after three in the morning. His hand slid over my breast roughly as he pushed his lips hard against mine. I shoved against his chest, but he pinned my shoulder down with his.
“Get off me!” I could smell the alcohol coming off him in waves and it was nauseating.
He reluctantly rolled off me. “Fuck,” he barked loudly as his fists came down against the bed. “What is wrong with you?”
I got up from the bed and went to the kitchen area, filling a small glass with water and drinking it down quickly as I struggled to slow my breathing.
“You caught me off guard.” I refilled my cup and drank more slowly this time.
“You were expecting someone else?” he said angrily.
I rolled my eyes. “No, Derek. I only have you.” It was painful even to say the words but it was the truth now. I had pushed away the one person who gave a damn about me for Derek, and now he was throwing it in my face. Now instead of feeling empty I felt heartbroken.
I set my cup in the sink and made my way to the desk, turning on the small table lamp so I could write. He immediately jumped from the bed to follow me.
“I have f**king needs, Sarah.” He stood over me from behind.
“I’m just not in the mood.”
“That’s the f**king point! You’re never in the mood anymore. Ever since we came here.”
“You know that’s not true, Derek.” I sighed as a tear fell to my paper, and I hunched over farther so he couldn’t see it.
“Yeah, well, it’s getting f**king old. Maybe I should find someone who actually wants me.”
“Maybe you should.” I rolled my eyes and tried to focus on the paper.
“Fine.” He stomped across the room and I jumped as the hotel-room door slammed hard. I scrambled to my feet and grabbed the tiny trash can in the kitchen as I heaved the contents of my stomach into it.
I slid down on the cool tile floor, my back against the counter as the room began to spin. I was losing control. I tried to push out the fear and sadness, welcoming the familiar emptiness that had kept me together for all of these years. I needed to shut it all off, but the hurt hung thick in the air around me. It was all I could see, feel, and breathe. I was consumed by the pain and there was no escaping it.
I wrapped my arms around my knees, hugging myself as I rocked slowly and sang in my head, begging reality to shut off.
It felt like hours, days even, that I tried to calm myself, praying that Derek would come back and tell me it was all going to be okay. But I knew that wouldn’t happen. That wasn’t who he was. I knew exactly what he was doing.
I thought of my father’s old, rusty razor, caked in dried blood. I wanted the release, a place for the feelings to go. I wanted the tangible proof of the pain that was consuming me from the inside out. Maybe if Derek saw it, he wouldn’t be able to deny what he was doing to me. Maybe then he would stop and things could change.
