White Trash Love Song
Page 21
I pulled myself up on shaky legs as I glanced around the room with blurred vision. Stumbling into the bedroom, I grabbed my iPod and hooked it into my portable speakers, finding my favorite escape easily. The sound of Lynyrd Skynyrd filled the room as I let the sobs rip from my chest.
I struggled against the overwhelming urge, squeezing my fists so tightly, my nails dig into the tender flesh of my palms. The small bite of pain was not enough of a release. I stalked off to the bathroom and pulled open the shower curtain. My razor sat on the edge of the tub, begging me to use it. I was like a druggie needing a fix. The urge was overwhelming. It was no longer a matter of if but when.
I cupped my hand over my mouth as the hurt overwhelmed me. Only one thing could take that away, make me feel better.
I spun around and pulled open the door to my room and made my way to E.
31
ERIC
THE SUN WAS about to come up as I returned to my room, but I couldn’t sleep.
When a knock came at the door, I laughed to myself as I made my way to pull it open, expecting to see Donna, though I had just left her room ten minutes before. My heart stopped as I locked eyes with Sarah. Her face was pink and damp from crying.
“What did he do?” I glanced down the hall but all was quiet, and I looked back to her in confusion as she wrung her hands together nervously.
“Nothing. Can I come in?” Her chest jumped as she struggled to calm her breathing. I nodded and took a step back as she slipped inside, and I closed the door behind her. I ran my hand through my hair as the smell of her shampoo assaulted my senses. She walked over toward the bed, but had second thoughts about sitting on it.
I crossed the room and stood in front of her, forcing myself not to touch her. “Please, tell me why you’re crying.”
Her gaze fell to the floor between us and she wiped the back of her hand over her cheek and laughed nervously. “I’m a mess.”
“You’re beautiful.” I don’t know why I said it, but as her eyes met mine, I knew it was a mistake.
“Why can’t he talk to me like that?”
I blew out a hard breath as I struggled not to let this massive kick to my ego upset me. I knew she was hurting. She didn’t deserve what he put her through, even if she didn’t leave him. For whatever reason, she felt she needed to stay. I think at first it had a lot to do with not wanting to be alone, but now it seemed more like guilt, and that blame rested entirely on me.
“Because he’s a f**king idiot and he doesn’t deserve you.”
“I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry for . . . everything.”
“Don’t be sorry. I only regret that it hurts you. I knew . . .” I cleared my throat, trying to force out the truth. “I knew I would never have you.”
“I made a mistake.” Her voice was small and she sounded so fragile. I could only nod. She was right. I was a mistake and for the rest of my life I would have to carry around with me the guilt of hurting her. “I should have chosen you.”
I didn’t think my heart could break any further, the pieces so small, but I was wrong and the pain ripped through my chest. “Don’t say that. Not now. I can’t take any more. There’s been so much back-and-forth . . . I can’t take it.”
She took a step toward me and put her hand on my chest. Her touch was almost painful and I winced as the warmth of her fingertips slid over my skin.
“Now that I’m with someone else, now you want me?” I threw her own words back at her, and she flinched at my tone as if I had hit her.
“It’s not like that, E. I’ve always . . . cared about you.”
“But it won’t ever be enough. You’d rather get walked over by that ass**le until he breaks you so badly that you slip back into who you were.” My gaze fell to the scars on her arms. I understood now. I wore the same scars on my heart. I would heal, but I would never be whole again.
“Please don’t yell at me.” Her voice was barely a whisper and I knew she was on the verge of tears again.
I wrapped my arms around her neck and held her against me. It was physically painful to stay away from her and equally so to hold her in my arms and know she would never be mine. “I’m so sorry, Sarah. So sorry for all of this. I should have never let you know what I was feeling.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
My grip tightened around her as tears filled my own eyes. “It just made everything worse for you. It was selfish of me.”
“It’s not selfish to tell someone that you care about them.”
I pulled back from her so I could look her in the eye. “It was. I was putting my feelings before yours. I knew you and I would never happen.” I put my hands on the sides of her face, wanting desperately to pull her closer so I could kiss her. “I knew you could never care about me like I care about you.” For the first time since I could remember, a tear slid down my cheek, but I didn’t bother to wipe it away.
“I do care about you . . . so much.” Her hands reached for my face but I grabbed them, holding them in mine as I closed my eyes, begging myself for strength.
“Please don’t make me say no to you. I can’t. I’m not strong enough.” I shook my head as another tear fell. “I can’t take much more of this. It’s killing me. You are killing me, Sarah.”
Sarah took a small step back, nodding as her own cheeks glistened with tears. She swallowed hard and pulled her fingers from mine. I ached to reach out and grab her again, but I forced myself to let her walk out of my life. It was for the best. I wouldn’t be the other guy and I wouldn’t do to Donna what her fiancé had. The door slammed to my room and to my heart.
I collapsed to my knees as I let the emotions rip through me. A knife to the chest would have been less painful, and at least eventually the torture would have ended.
32
SARAH
I MADE MY WAY back to my room in a daze. The walls went up as I went into self-preservation mode. As I walked into the bedroom, my song blared on repeat through the tiny speakers on the desk. My eyes danced over the cramped space. I sank down into the chair at the desk and began to scribble down all of my pain, hoping the faster I wrote, the more I would bleed out on the paper and the less I’d have to really hurt myself.
I can be anyone but never myself, locked away like a china doll, kept prisoner on the shelf,
The words were too real, too painful even to write on paper. My mask had slipped and I could no longer keep the feelings at bay. I needed to let them come out or I would drown in my own sadness. I crawled into the center of the bed and pulled my knees to my chest as I let all of the memories and pain flood through me at once. My mother’s indifference to my sadness, Phil’s coldhearted remarks, his violating touch. I missed my father terribly and only wanted to have someone to share my feelings with. Jenny had been too young and didn’t understand why I was always so depressed. I didn’t understand myself why I couldn’t just be happy. Not until I found music was I able to release all of the hurt that I kept inside.
Exhaustion took over and I cried myself to sleep. I wasn’t sure if hours or just minutes had passed, but I awoke to the sound of the door opening. At first I panicked as I still had fresh memories of my childhood bedroom in my head, but as I looked around the room, I knew I was a thousand miles from the nightmare.
Not until I heard a soft, feminine giggle did I realize I had awoken to a whole new nightmare.
“Derek?” I called out, and the sound stopped as the door opened farther and Derek stepped inside with a redhead on his arm. I searched his face for some sort of answer that I already knew, but he just smiled, completely plastered.
“We need that bed,” he called out, and she laughed again as they stumbled in.
“Get her out of here now!” I pushed to my feet and balled my fists at my sides, but my whole body shook.
“You get the f**k out.” Any sign of happiness left his expression. “I paid for this room.”
I was gutted.
My song still played in the background as I shoved him hard against his chest, and he stumbled, the redhead swaying, but neither fell. They laughed in my face again as he held his arm firmly around her waist and pulled her past me to the bed.
“Why would you do this? Why?” I spun around but he didn’t bother to turn and look at me as he pulled his shirt over his head.
“You can’t be that f**king stupid.” He shook his head and finally turned to look me in the eye for a brief moment. “You barely let me touch you, Sarah. You think I was just going to live the rest of my life without—”
I couldn’t take it anymore and my hand flew up and I smacked him hard across his cheek. He stared at me with murder in his eyes, but they soon went vacant and he chuckled softly as his hand rubbed over his cheek.
“It’s not like this is the first time. Come on, don’t look so stunned. I figured you knew. Everyone else did.” He paused and met my gaze. “You know, it’s funny. As close as you were to E, I’m surprised he never told you.” Derek cocked his head to the side, smirking.
“He knew?”
“The whole time.”
My legs were no longer able to support me; that final blow was too much for me to handle. I turned and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it. I sank down to the floor. I had no one. There was no place for me to go. I was stuck, like my song, on repeat.
My eyes danced over the shower and I was no longer able to resist the urge to show Derek the pain that he had inflicted upon me. Maybe if he saw the fresh wounds, maybe then he would understand how much he was putting me through.
33
ERIC
I PULLED MY PILLOW over my face as I tried to drown out the sound of the banging at my door. It came again and I threw the pillow toward the door, but it fell several feet short.
“I’m sleeping!” I yelled as I rolled over in my empty bed, hating whoever had pulled me from my dreams. It was the only time I could hold her in my arms now.
“Please . . .”
I sat up at the sound of Sarah’s voice. She was frantic. I rushed to the door, shrugging on my jeans as I pulled it open. She fell into my arms sobbing, her wet face against my chest. “What did he do? Did he hurt you?”
I pulled her back to examine her and realized that the wetness wasn’t only from her tears. Her arms were smeared with blood, and she shook her head as she kept repeating no. I was holding on to her shoulders so tightly I knew they would probably bruise, but I couldn’t bring myself to let her go.
“Tell me what he did.”
She looked at me, eyes wide and frightened.
“Tell me!” I yelled, but she couldn’t form words. I pushed around her and took off down the hall to Derek’s room. I banged on the door, ready to bust through it if necessary.
“Get the f**k out—”
As the door opened, my fist connected with Derek’s jaw with a satisfying crack. I shoved my way inside and my eyes landed on a redhead sitting on the bed, clutching a sheet to her na**d body. I turned back to Derek, who lay on the ground, his neck bent against the wall in nothing but jeans.
“Get up,” I said between clenched teeth.
Derek’s hand was on his lip and he pulled his fingers back to examine the blood.
“What the fug you hit me for?” His words were slurred and I knew he was beyond wasted. The girl on the bed was pressing herself up against the wall in fear.
“Get dressed and get the f**k out of here now!” I pointed to her and she jumped, finding her clothes, which had been scattered around the floor. She took the sheet with her to cover her body as she slid behind me and out into the hallway. My gaze focused on Derek and all I wanted was to hurt him the way he had hurt Sarah. He had everything I ever wanted and he hurt her.
I bent down into his face so I was looking him in the eye. “You have no idea how bad you f**ked up.” I stood up and drew my leg back, kicking him hard in the ribs. He groaned and wrapped his arms around his waist. I took the opportunity to hit him again in the face. His nose cracked under my fist and blood covered his face. “Get on your f**king feet and fight like a goddamn man.” I took a step back as I struggled to slow my breathing.
Derek was holding his nose and he pushed to his feet, standing in front of the door. I backed up a few more steps into the larger opening of the room and motioned for him to take his best shot.
“This has nothing to do with you.” He spit out a mouthful of blood as he glared at me.
“This has everything to do with me. You had no f**king right to hurt her.”
“And what? You think kicking my ass will make her fall into your arms?” He laughed and I swung, but he ducked out of my way. “She doesn’t want you, E. She never did.”
I wanted to make it impossible for him to smile. I lunged at him and we fell to the floor, my body landing on his and knocking the air from his lungs. His fist landed against my ribs and I hadn’t anticipated the blow. I grunted and rolled off him.
He took the opening and pushed to his knees as he swung, connecting with my cheekbone. I was so angry it didn’t even register. We struggled back and forth before I gained the upper hand and drove my fist into his body over and over, unleashing all of my anger on him. He had gotten the girl and he didn’t even give a f**k about her. I wanted to make him hurt as much as he had hurt her. Every tear she cried would be another blow to his body. I wrapped my fingers around his throat and stared down into his empty eyes as he clawed at my arms. I didn’t want to kill him. That would be too easy, but if someone didn’t stop me soon, that was going to happen.
In minutes our scuffle had drawn attention from other guests. I vaguely heard Donna’s voice, and soon the twins were on top of me, prying me from Derek’s bloodied body. Only then did I hear Donna scream again, but she sounded so far away.
I struggled against the overwhelming urge, squeezing my fists so tightly, my nails dig into the tender flesh of my palms. The small bite of pain was not enough of a release. I stalked off to the bathroom and pulled open the shower curtain. My razor sat on the edge of the tub, begging me to use it. I was like a druggie needing a fix. The urge was overwhelming. It was no longer a matter of if but when.
I cupped my hand over my mouth as the hurt overwhelmed me. Only one thing could take that away, make me feel better.
I spun around and pulled open the door to my room and made my way to E.
31
ERIC
THE SUN WAS about to come up as I returned to my room, but I couldn’t sleep.
When a knock came at the door, I laughed to myself as I made my way to pull it open, expecting to see Donna, though I had just left her room ten minutes before. My heart stopped as I locked eyes with Sarah. Her face was pink and damp from crying.
“What did he do?” I glanced down the hall but all was quiet, and I looked back to her in confusion as she wrung her hands together nervously.
“Nothing. Can I come in?” Her chest jumped as she struggled to calm her breathing. I nodded and took a step back as she slipped inside, and I closed the door behind her. I ran my hand through my hair as the smell of her shampoo assaulted my senses. She walked over toward the bed, but had second thoughts about sitting on it.
I crossed the room and stood in front of her, forcing myself not to touch her. “Please, tell me why you’re crying.”
Her gaze fell to the floor between us and she wiped the back of her hand over her cheek and laughed nervously. “I’m a mess.”
“You’re beautiful.” I don’t know why I said it, but as her eyes met mine, I knew it was a mistake.
“Why can’t he talk to me like that?”
I blew out a hard breath as I struggled not to let this massive kick to my ego upset me. I knew she was hurting. She didn’t deserve what he put her through, even if she didn’t leave him. For whatever reason, she felt she needed to stay. I think at first it had a lot to do with not wanting to be alone, but now it seemed more like guilt, and that blame rested entirely on me.
“Because he’s a f**king idiot and he doesn’t deserve you.”
“I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry for . . . everything.”
“Don’t be sorry. I only regret that it hurts you. I knew . . .” I cleared my throat, trying to force out the truth. “I knew I would never have you.”
“I made a mistake.” Her voice was small and she sounded so fragile. I could only nod. She was right. I was a mistake and for the rest of my life I would have to carry around with me the guilt of hurting her. “I should have chosen you.”
I didn’t think my heart could break any further, the pieces so small, but I was wrong and the pain ripped through my chest. “Don’t say that. Not now. I can’t take any more. There’s been so much back-and-forth . . . I can’t take it.”
She took a step toward me and put her hand on my chest. Her touch was almost painful and I winced as the warmth of her fingertips slid over my skin.
“Now that I’m with someone else, now you want me?” I threw her own words back at her, and she flinched at my tone as if I had hit her.
“It’s not like that, E. I’ve always . . . cared about you.”
“But it won’t ever be enough. You’d rather get walked over by that ass**le until he breaks you so badly that you slip back into who you were.” My gaze fell to the scars on her arms. I understood now. I wore the same scars on my heart. I would heal, but I would never be whole again.
“Please don’t yell at me.” Her voice was barely a whisper and I knew she was on the verge of tears again.
I wrapped my arms around her neck and held her against me. It was physically painful to stay away from her and equally so to hold her in my arms and know she would never be mine. “I’m so sorry, Sarah. So sorry for all of this. I should have never let you know what I was feeling.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
My grip tightened around her as tears filled my own eyes. “It just made everything worse for you. It was selfish of me.”
“It’s not selfish to tell someone that you care about them.”
I pulled back from her so I could look her in the eye. “It was. I was putting my feelings before yours. I knew you and I would never happen.” I put my hands on the sides of her face, wanting desperately to pull her closer so I could kiss her. “I knew you could never care about me like I care about you.” For the first time since I could remember, a tear slid down my cheek, but I didn’t bother to wipe it away.
“I do care about you . . . so much.” Her hands reached for my face but I grabbed them, holding them in mine as I closed my eyes, begging myself for strength.
“Please don’t make me say no to you. I can’t. I’m not strong enough.” I shook my head as another tear fell. “I can’t take much more of this. It’s killing me. You are killing me, Sarah.”
Sarah took a small step back, nodding as her own cheeks glistened with tears. She swallowed hard and pulled her fingers from mine. I ached to reach out and grab her again, but I forced myself to let her walk out of my life. It was for the best. I wouldn’t be the other guy and I wouldn’t do to Donna what her fiancé had. The door slammed to my room and to my heart.
I collapsed to my knees as I let the emotions rip through me. A knife to the chest would have been less painful, and at least eventually the torture would have ended.
32
SARAH
I MADE MY WAY back to my room in a daze. The walls went up as I went into self-preservation mode. As I walked into the bedroom, my song blared on repeat through the tiny speakers on the desk. My eyes danced over the cramped space. I sank down into the chair at the desk and began to scribble down all of my pain, hoping the faster I wrote, the more I would bleed out on the paper and the less I’d have to really hurt myself.
I can be anyone but never myself, locked away like a china doll, kept prisoner on the shelf,
The words were too real, too painful even to write on paper. My mask had slipped and I could no longer keep the feelings at bay. I needed to let them come out or I would drown in my own sadness. I crawled into the center of the bed and pulled my knees to my chest as I let all of the memories and pain flood through me at once. My mother’s indifference to my sadness, Phil’s coldhearted remarks, his violating touch. I missed my father terribly and only wanted to have someone to share my feelings with. Jenny had been too young and didn’t understand why I was always so depressed. I didn’t understand myself why I couldn’t just be happy. Not until I found music was I able to release all of the hurt that I kept inside.
Exhaustion took over and I cried myself to sleep. I wasn’t sure if hours or just minutes had passed, but I awoke to the sound of the door opening. At first I panicked as I still had fresh memories of my childhood bedroom in my head, but as I looked around the room, I knew I was a thousand miles from the nightmare.
Not until I heard a soft, feminine giggle did I realize I had awoken to a whole new nightmare.
“Derek?” I called out, and the sound stopped as the door opened farther and Derek stepped inside with a redhead on his arm. I searched his face for some sort of answer that I already knew, but he just smiled, completely plastered.
“We need that bed,” he called out, and she laughed again as they stumbled in.
“Get her out of here now!” I pushed to my feet and balled my fists at my sides, but my whole body shook.
“You get the f**k out.” Any sign of happiness left his expression. “I paid for this room.”
I was gutted.
My song still played in the background as I shoved him hard against his chest, and he stumbled, the redhead swaying, but neither fell. They laughed in my face again as he held his arm firmly around her waist and pulled her past me to the bed.
“Why would you do this? Why?” I spun around but he didn’t bother to turn and look at me as he pulled his shirt over his head.
“You can’t be that f**king stupid.” He shook his head and finally turned to look me in the eye for a brief moment. “You barely let me touch you, Sarah. You think I was just going to live the rest of my life without—”
I couldn’t take it anymore and my hand flew up and I smacked him hard across his cheek. He stared at me with murder in his eyes, but they soon went vacant and he chuckled softly as his hand rubbed over his cheek.
“It’s not like this is the first time. Come on, don’t look so stunned. I figured you knew. Everyone else did.” He paused and met my gaze. “You know, it’s funny. As close as you were to E, I’m surprised he never told you.” Derek cocked his head to the side, smirking.
“He knew?”
“The whole time.”
My legs were no longer able to support me; that final blow was too much for me to handle. I turned and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it. I sank down to the floor. I had no one. There was no place for me to go. I was stuck, like my song, on repeat.
My eyes danced over the shower and I was no longer able to resist the urge to show Derek the pain that he had inflicted upon me. Maybe if he saw the fresh wounds, maybe then he would understand how much he was putting me through.
33
ERIC
I PULLED MY PILLOW over my face as I tried to drown out the sound of the banging at my door. It came again and I threw the pillow toward the door, but it fell several feet short.
“I’m sleeping!” I yelled as I rolled over in my empty bed, hating whoever had pulled me from my dreams. It was the only time I could hold her in my arms now.
“Please . . .”
I sat up at the sound of Sarah’s voice. She was frantic. I rushed to the door, shrugging on my jeans as I pulled it open. She fell into my arms sobbing, her wet face against my chest. “What did he do? Did he hurt you?”
I pulled her back to examine her and realized that the wetness wasn’t only from her tears. Her arms were smeared with blood, and she shook her head as she kept repeating no. I was holding on to her shoulders so tightly I knew they would probably bruise, but I couldn’t bring myself to let her go.
“Tell me what he did.”
She looked at me, eyes wide and frightened.
“Tell me!” I yelled, but she couldn’t form words. I pushed around her and took off down the hall to Derek’s room. I banged on the door, ready to bust through it if necessary.
“Get the f**k out—”
As the door opened, my fist connected with Derek’s jaw with a satisfying crack. I shoved my way inside and my eyes landed on a redhead sitting on the bed, clutching a sheet to her na**d body. I turned back to Derek, who lay on the ground, his neck bent against the wall in nothing but jeans.
“Get up,” I said between clenched teeth.
Derek’s hand was on his lip and he pulled his fingers back to examine the blood.
“What the fug you hit me for?” His words were slurred and I knew he was beyond wasted. The girl on the bed was pressing herself up against the wall in fear.
“Get dressed and get the f**k out of here now!” I pointed to her and she jumped, finding her clothes, which had been scattered around the floor. She took the sheet with her to cover her body as she slid behind me and out into the hallway. My gaze focused on Derek and all I wanted was to hurt him the way he had hurt Sarah. He had everything I ever wanted and he hurt her.
I bent down into his face so I was looking him in the eye. “You have no idea how bad you f**ked up.” I stood up and drew my leg back, kicking him hard in the ribs. He groaned and wrapped his arms around his waist. I took the opportunity to hit him again in the face. His nose cracked under my fist and blood covered his face. “Get on your f**king feet and fight like a goddamn man.” I took a step back as I struggled to slow my breathing.
Derek was holding his nose and he pushed to his feet, standing in front of the door. I backed up a few more steps into the larger opening of the room and motioned for him to take his best shot.
“This has nothing to do with you.” He spit out a mouthful of blood as he glared at me.
“This has everything to do with me. You had no f**king right to hurt her.”
“And what? You think kicking my ass will make her fall into your arms?” He laughed and I swung, but he ducked out of my way. “She doesn’t want you, E. She never did.”
I wanted to make it impossible for him to smile. I lunged at him and we fell to the floor, my body landing on his and knocking the air from his lungs. His fist landed against my ribs and I hadn’t anticipated the blow. I grunted and rolled off him.
He took the opening and pushed to his knees as he swung, connecting with my cheekbone. I was so angry it didn’t even register. We struggled back and forth before I gained the upper hand and drove my fist into his body over and over, unleashing all of my anger on him. He had gotten the girl and he didn’t even give a f**k about her. I wanted to make him hurt as much as he had hurt her. Every tear she cried would be another blow to his body. I wrapped my fingers around his throat and stared down into his empty eyes as he clawed at my arms. I didn’t want to kill him. That would be too easy, but if someone didn’t stop me soon, that was going to happen.
In minutes our scuffle had drawn attention from other guests. I vaguely heard Donna’s voice, and soon the twins were on top of me, prying me from Derek’s bloodied body. Only then did I hear Donna scream again, but she sounded so far away.
