White Trash Love Song
Page 7
“Where’d you go, just now?” His voice cut through my thoughts and I struggled to come up with something to say. Suddenly I just needed to get out, clear my head.
“Derek would be mad that I am in here,” I blurted out as I sat up.
E’s fingers wrapped around my wrist and I was terrified he would feel how frantic my pulse became as he touched me. His fingers slid over the raised scars across my arm as he looked over my tattoo, the word ROCK. I had gotten it almost a year ago now, to remind me of Derek. And to cover the etches in my skin, a piece of my past that I wanted to forget.
“You mention this to your mother and I’ll start paying your sister visits. You think you can keep a secret, Sarah?” Phil ran his hand through his sandy hair. He looked like the perfect businessman, but I could see the evil in his eyes from the first day I had met him.
“I won’t say anything.” I wiped a tear from my cheek as I struggled to block out what had just happened.
“That’s a good girl.” He kissed me on the forehead and I wanted to scrub my face with bleach as I waited for him to slip out of my room, leaving me alone in the darkness. Sobs ripped through my chest as I slid off my bed and onto my knees on the hard wooden floor. I reached under my bed, feeling for the small wooden keepsake box. I sighed, relieved as my fingers landed on the box, and I pulled it out, holding it against my chest.
I slowly lifted the lid and grabbed the old razor that my father had left behind when he ran off with his girlfriend two years before.
It was an old plastic disposable. Nothing special about it, but it belonged to him and that made it invaluable. It hurt when he had left us behind. It hurt that I had to endure Phil because of him. All of the pain needed an outlet, and as I dragged the old blade across the inside of my arm, I released it all. All of my anger and sadness slipped out in long, red streaks, dripping onto the wooden floor below.
Part of me was ashamed of what I was doing, and part of me was crying out for someone else to see the hurt that I kept buried inside.
I wanted to pull away from him, embarrassed, but E wasn’t looking at me with pity. He wasn’t judging me, but he was also not ignoring it the way Derek always did. Suddenly I felt that we were right back in our tour bus, just talking and swapping life stories, and it was comforting.
“I won’t say anything.”
My gaze dropped to E’s hand and then went back to his eyes.
“This is what friends do, Sarah. They hang out and talk to each other. I missed that about us.”
I pulled my arms around myself and swallowed hard.
“I don’t think Donna would be happy.” I also knew that Derek would be pissed if he spent the night in jail while I was hanging out with E.
“What would make you happy?”
My eyes snapped up to meet his, and I was suddenly terrified by the intensity of his gaze. I pushed to my feet. I always felt that E could see straight past my bullshit as no one else could. He could sense the secrets that I hid from everyone else. Secrets I was too ashamed to even share with my boyfriend.
“It’s been good seeing you again, E.” I took a step backward toward the door, and he pushed to his feet.
“But?” He stepped forward and I instinctively took another step back.
“But I didn’t want to cause any problems for you. You seem . . . happy.”
“But you’re not.” He stepped again and I did the same.
“I am.” My voice was weak, my mask slipping. “I know you don’t like Derek, but he has changed. He and I are planning a future together.”
E shook his head, running his hand over his messy hair. It had grown out since I had last seen him, and he looked as if he belonged on the cover of a magazine more than on a stage behind a drum kit.
7
ERIC
THE DESIRE TO be closer to Sarah drowned out the throbbing of my head. She was running from me, but I could see in her eyes she had felt something. Even if she didn’t, I hated that she was with that f**king ass**le. I could have helped put the final nail in that coffin tonight, but I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye and tell her he was cheating on her again. It would have killed her, and I wouldn’t be any kind of a man if I let her run into my arms while she ran from his.
I wanted her to want me as badly as I wanted her. And what I was going through with Sarah was gutting me. But Sarah had never been mine. Our relationship had never gone further than friendly flirting. And I had to remind myself that it never would.
I stepped forward, pulled toward Sarah. “I just want you to stay.” She took one final step backward as she leaned against the door.
“I can’t. Sleep it off, E.” Her words were barely a whisper, and her eyes were pleading with me. Her hand felt for the door handle next to her waist and she grabbed ahold of it. I reached out, wrapping my fingers around hers, leaning closer. Her chest was rising and falling quickly, her lips parted. I looked down at her mouth and her tongue darted out, running over her lips. I could barely control my own breathing and I struggled not to press myself against her. I needed to feel her skin against mine. I glanced down at her baby-blue dress as my forehead pushed against hers and our breaths mingled.
Her eyes fell closed and I stared down at her thick lashes, getting high from her proximity. “Please,” I whispered, and her free hand came up to press against my chest. She weakly pushed back against me, her nails biting into my flesh. I’d grown painfully hard and I wanted to push my h*ps against hers, but I stayed inches away as she held me back.
Her eyes slowly opened and she searched mine. “You’re drunk, E. Knock it off.”
“Sarah . . .” My words caught in my throat as I stared down at her.
Without thinking, I pressed my mouth hard against hers. Her lips moved against mine for a brief second before she shoved against my chest hard, causing me to stumble back a step.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she yelled as her eyes narrowed and her cheeks flamed red.
Her hand slid from my chest and she pushed down the handle to the door. Her eyes stayed on mine as she pulled it open and slipped out into the hallway.
The stabbing pain in my head came back full force as she walked out the door. I stumbled back to my bed and collapsed on top of the covers. I had taken a chance. I had put my feelings out there and she said no. I traced the spot on my chest that still burned from her touch.
It felt as if someone had cracked open my ribs and pulled my heart from my chest. Someone who cheated on her and degraded her was more appealing than me.
I wanted to go down to the police station and finish beating the piss out of Derek, but it wasn’t my place. Sarah loved him, not me, and I had no right to interfere with her life anymore.
I forced myself to keep my eyes open for hours. Every time I tried to fall asleep, all I saw was her sad face. Eventually, my eyes grew heavy and burned and I had to give in to my exhaustion.
MORNING CAME TOO early and my throat was painfully dry. I made my way into the bathroom, groaning as I turned on the light. My eyes fell on the mirror and I took in the damage from the night before. My lip was swollen and busted and a small bruise was on my temple, but otherwise all of my pain was inside.
I tried to block out the foggy memories from last night, hoping the alcohol would help to erase them, but they all came rushing back. I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my face, wincing as it burned my cut. I cupped my hands and drank a sip, relieving the burn in my throat.
Leaning against the sink, I forced myself to think of something other than Sarah. I grabbed my bottle of pain pills and took one as I wondered how Tuck and Cass were doing. I was tempted to call Cass and tell her how badly I had f**ked up again last night, but I didn’t want to disturb the little bit of time they had alone.
Instead, I ran through the shower and pulled on fresh clothes, a pair of worn jeans and a white T-shirt. I grabbed my cell phone and looked at the time. It was already afternoon. I dialed Donna’s phone, hoping she would be awake.
She answered after two rings, sounding as if she had been up for hours. “I didn’t think you were going to grace us with your presence today.”
“Yeah . . . ,” I groaned, and stretched. “I feel like total shit.”
“Nothing a little greasy food won’t cure. I’m down at Hembrough’s Diner. You want me to bring you something?”
“Nah . . . I’ll come meet you. I need to get out of this f**king place.”
“See you soon.”
I said good-bye and hung up the phone, tossing it on the bed. I slipped on my sneakers and grabbed my cigarettes and wallet, and my eyes fell on a pair of high heels next to the bed. Just f**king great. I grabbed them and slipped out of my room, not ready to face Sarah after last night. I had made a complete f**king fool of myself.
I slowed as I made my way toward Sarah’s door, taking a deep breath and knocking before I could talk myself out of it. I knew I needed to apologize. I couldn’t just avoid her like an ass**le and pretend nothing happened.
She pulled it open, just peeking her head out of a crack. “What are you doing here?” Her voice was a whisper, laced with anger, and she glanced back over her shoulder. I clenched my jaw when I realized that Derek must be inside. I could only imagine how f**ked-up his face was this morning, and I braced for her to scream at me for hurting him.
I held up her shoes between us and she rolled her eyes, snatching them from my hand and tossing them on the floor inside the door.
“How is he?” I asked, feigning concern.
“He’s passed out. He didn’t sleep for shit in jail and his face is battered and bruised.” She folded her arms over her chest. “I can’t believe he went through that for me.”
Shock was the first emotion that rolled through me, followed by the desire to shove my way in his room and beat his ass again. “Yeah, he’s a f**king saint.”
“Shhh . . .” She pushed lightly against my chest and I took a step back as she slid into the hall and pulled the door closed behind her. My gaze dropped to her hand on my body, and every emotion I felt last night when I was so close to her came rushing back to the surface. She must have felt it, too, and she quickly pulled her arm back, wringing her hands together.
“I never said Derek was perfect, but he is trying. Last night is proof of that. You do remember last night, don’t you?” Her eyes narrowed angrily.
I rolled my eyes, wanting to scream that he wasn’t changing and that I was the one who had battered his face, but I knew she would just hate me for that, so I kept my mouth shut and swallowed back the truth yet again. If I couldn’t be with Sarah, I needed to save our friendship. I couldn’t handle losing her altogether.
“I’m sorry for last night, Sarah. I should never have put you in that position. I had way too much to drink and I acted like an ass**le.”
Her gaze avoided mine as she listened to my half-assed apology.
“Still friends?” I asked, forcing a smile.
“Always.” She returned the smile and we looked at each other for a long moment before my phone began to ring in my pocket. I pulled it out and looked at the screen.
“It’s Donna. I gotta go.”
Sarah only nodded and opened the door to her room. I watched her slip inside before making my way down the hall to the elevator.
8
SARAH
I CLOSED THE DOOR to the hotel room quietly and leaned back against it. My heart sank into my stomach as I stared at Derek, sprawled on the bed. All I could think about all night was E. Why did he have to complicate our friendship? It had felt so good to start to reconnect with him, to move past the awkward radio silence that had defined the last few weeks between us, but then he had to go and do something that he knew would piss me off, not to mention Derek.
My mind was racing; I was pissed and confused.
And why did it suddenly piss me off that he was going to meet up with Donna? I banged my head against the door as if I were trying to knock some clarity into my mind, and the sound seemed to bring Derek back to life.
“What’s up?” Derek groaned as he stretched across the bed.
“Nothing. I just don’t feel well. I think I drank too much last night.”
He laughed and patted a spot next to him on the bed. I pushed to my feet and slowly made my way over to him. His one eye was completely swollen shut, his cheekbone bruised and split open.
I sat down next to him and ran my fingertips over his cheek. “They got you good.”
He rolled over and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Yeah, but I won.” He let out a low laugh and coughed.
“Let me get you some water.” I went to stand but Derek’s grip tightened around my waist, holding me next to him.
“I’m fine. I just need some more sleep. Have you seen any of the guys?”
My heart began to race as I thought of what to say. Derek had been right about E, and telling him that would only cause a fight. “Not since last night. E went back in the club to look for you for me, but the cops came before he could find you.”
Derek smiled and nodded his head. “I’ll have to thank him later.”
I smiled down at him, glad that maybe he and E might finally be able to put some of their differences behind them and be friends.
“Come here.” He pulled me down so I was lying with my back to him as he snuggled against me. “Wake me up in an hour.” He yawned and laid his head against my back. I tried to relax against him, but I felt as if everything had changed in just a few short hours. It was killing me inside. Derek was finally trying. He was coming around and doing the right thing, but all I could think about was E. I closed my eyes as a tear slid onto the sheet below and prayed that sleep would take away my guilt, even if just for an hour.
“Derek would be mad that I am in here,” I blurted out as I sat up.
E’s fingers wrapped around my wrist and I was terrified he would feel how frantic my pulse became as he touched me. His fingers slid over the raised scars across my arm as he looked over my tattoo, the word ROCK. I had gotten it almost a year ago now, to remind me of Derek. And to cover the etches in my skin, a piece of my past that I wanted to forget.
“You mention this to your mother and I’ll start paying your sister visits. You think you can keep a secret, Sarah?” Phil ran his hand through his sandy hair. He looked like the perfect businessman, but I could see the evil in his eyes from the first day I had met him.
“I won’t say anything.” I wiped a tear from my cheek as I struggled to block out what had just happened.
“That’s a good girl.” He kissed me on the forehead and I wanted to scrub my face with bleach as I waited for him to slip out of my room, leaving me alone in the darkness. Sobs ripped through my chest as I slid off my bed and onto my knees on the hard wooden floor. I reached under my bed, feeling for the small wooden keepsake box. I sighed, relieved as my fingers landed on the box, and I pulled it out, holding it against my chest.
I slowly lifted the lid and grabbed the old razor that my father had left behind when he ran off with his girlfriend two years before.
It was an old plastic disposable. Nothing special about it, but it belonged to him and that made it invaluable. It hurt when he had left us behind. It hurt that I had to endure Phil because of him. All of the pain needed an outlet, and as I dragged the old blade across the inside of my arm, I released it all. All of my anger and sadness slipped out in long, red streaks, dripping onto the wooden floor below.
Part of me was ashamed of what I was doing, and part of me was crying out for someone else to see the hurt that I kept buried inside.
I wanted to pull away from him, embarrassed, but E wasn’t looking at me with pity. He wasn’t judging me, but he was also not ignoring it the way Derek always did. Suddenly I felt that we were right back in our tour bus, just talking and swapping life stories, and it was comforting.
“I won’t say anything.”
My gaze dropped to E’s hand and then went back to his eyes.
“This is what friends do, Sarah. They hang out and talk to each other. I missed that about us.”
I pulled my arms around myself and swallowed hard.
“I don’t think Donna would be happy.” I also knew that Derek would be pissed if he spent the night in jail while I was hanging out with E.
“What would make you happy?”
My eyes snapped up to meet his, and I was suddenly terrified by the intensity of his gaze. I pushed to my feet. I always felt that E could see straight past my bullshit as no one else could. He could sense the secrets that I hid from everyone else. Secrets I was too ashamed to even share with my boyfriend.
“It’s been good seeing you again, E.” I took a step backward toward the door, and he pushed to his feet.
“But?” He stepped forward and I instinctively took another step back.
“But I didn’t want to cause any problems for you. You seem . . . happy.”
“But you’re not.” He stepped again and I did the same.
“I am.” My voice was weak, my mask slipping. “I know you don’t like Derek, but he has changed. He and I are planning a future together.”
E shook his head, running his hand over his messy hair. It had grown out since I had last seen him, and he looked as if he belonged on the cover of a magazine more than on a stage behind a drum kit.
7
ERIC
THE DESIRE TO be closer to Sarah drowned out the throbbing of my head. She was running from me, but I could see in her eyes she had felt something. Even if she didn’t, I hated that she was with that f**king ass**le. I could have helped put the final nail in that coffin tonight, but I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye and tell her he was cheating on her again. It would have killed her, and I wouldn’t be any kind of a man if I let her run into my arms while she ran from his.
I wanted her to want me as badly as I wanted her. And what I was going through with Sarah was gutting me. But Sarah had never been mine. Our relationship had never gone further than friendly flirting. And I had to remind myself that it never would.
I stepped forward, pulled toward Sarah. “I just want you to stay.” She took one final step backward as she leaned against the door.
“I can’t. Sleep it off, E.” Her words were barely a whisper, and her eyes were pleading with me. Her hand felt for the door handle next to her waist and she grabbed ahold of it. I reached out, wrapping my fingers around hers, leaning closer. Her chest was rising and falling quickly, her lips parted. I looked down at her mouth and her tongue darted out, running over her lips. I could barely control my own breathing and I struggled not to press myself against her. I needed to feel her skin against mine. I glanced down at her baby-blue dress as my forehead pushed against hers and our breaths mingled.
Her eyes fell closed and I stared down at her thick lashes, getting high from her proximity. “Please,” I whispered, and her free hand came up to press against my chest. She weakly pushed back against me, her nails biting into my flesh. I’d grown painfully hard and I wanted to push my h*ps against hers, but I stayed inches away as she held me back.
Her eyes slowly opened and she searched mine. “You’re drunk, E. Knock it off.”
“Sarah . . .” My words caught in my throat as I stared down at her.
Without thinking, I pressed my mouth hard against hers. Her lips moved against mine for a brief second before she shoved against my chest hard, causing me to stumble back a step.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she yelled as her eyes narrowed and her cheeks flamed red.
Her hand slid from my chest and she pushed down the handle to the door. Her eyes stayed on mine as she pulled it open and slipped out into the hallway.
The stabbing pain in my head came back full force as she walked out the door. I stumbled back to my bed and collapsed on top of the covers. I had taken a chance. I had put my feelings out there and she said no. I traced the spot on my chest that still burned from her touch.
It felt as if someone had cracked open my ribs and pulled my heart from my chest. Someone who cheated on her and degraded her was more appealing than me.
I wanted to go down to the police station and finish beating the piss out of Derek, but it wasn’t my place. Sarah loved him, not me, and I had no right to interfere with her life anymore.
I forced myself to keep my eyes open for hours. Every time I tried to fall asleep, all I saw was her sad face. Eventually, my eyes grew heavy and burned and I had to give in to my exhaustion.
MORNING CAME TOO early and my throat was painfully dry. I made my way into the bathroom, groaning as I turned on the light. My eyes fell on the mirror and I took in the damage from the night before. My lip was swollen and busted and a small bruise was on my temple, but otherwise all of my pain was inside.
I tried to block out the foggy memories from last night, hoping the alcohol would help to erase them, but they all came rushing back. I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my face, wincing as it burned my cut. I cupped my hands and drank a sip, relieving the burn in my throat.
Leaning against the sink, I forced myself to think of something other than Sarah. I grabbed my bottle of pain pills and took one as I wondered how Tuck and Cass were doing. I was tempted to call Cass and tell her how badly I had f**ked up again last night, but I didn’t want to disturb the little bit of time they had alone.
Instead, I ran through the shower and pulled on fresh clothes, a pair of worn jeans and a white T-shirt. I grabbed my cell phone and looked at the time. It was already afternoon. I dialed Donna’s phone, hoping she would be awake.
She answered after two rings, sounding as if she had been up for hours. “I didn’t think you were going to grace us with your presence today.”
“Yeah . . . ,” I groaned, and stretched. “I feel like total shit.”
“Nothing a little greasy food won’t cure. I’m down at Hembrough’s Diner. You want me to bring you something?”
“Nah . . . I’ll come meet you. I need to get out of this f**king place.”
“See you soon.”
I said good-bye and hung up the phone, tossing it on the bed. I slipped on my sneakers and grabbed my cigarettes and wallet, and my eyes fell on a pair of high heels next to the bed. Just f**king great. I grabbed them and slipped out of my room, not ready to face Sarah after last night. I had made a complete f**king fool of myself.
I slowed as I made my way toward Sarah’s door, taking a deep breath and knocking before I could talk myself out of it. I knew I needed to apologize. I couldn’t just avoid her like an ass**le and pretend nothing happened.
She pulled it open, just peeking her head out of a crack. “What are you doing here?” Her voice was a whisper, laced with anger, and she glanced back over her shoulder. I clenched my jaw when I realized that Derek must be inside. I could only imagine how f**ked-up his face was this morning, and I braced for her to scream at me for hurting him.
I held up her shoes between us and she rolled her eyes, snatching them from my hand and tossing them on the floor inside the door.
“How is he?” I asked, feigning concern.
“He’s passed out. He didn’t sleep for shit in jail and his face is battered and bruised.” She folded her arms over her chest. “I can’t believe he went through that for me.”
Shock was the first emotion that rolled through me, followed by the desire to shove my way in his room and beat his ass again. “Yeah, he’s a f**king saint.”
“Shhh . . .” She pushed lightly against my chest and I took a step back as she slid into the hall and pulled the door closed behind her. My gaze dropped to her hand on my body, and every emotion I felt last night when I was so close to her came rushing back to the surface. She must have felt it, too, and she quickly pulled her arm back, wringing her hands together.
“I never said Derek was perfect, but he is trying. Last night is proof of that. You do remember last night, don’t you?” Her eyes narrowed angrily.
I rolled my eyes, wanting to scream that he wasn’t changing and that I was the one who had battered his face, but I knew she would just hate me for that, so I kept my mouth shut and swallowed back the truth yet again. If I couldn’t be with Sarah, I needed to save our friendship. I couldn’t handle losing her altogether.
“I’m sorry for last night, Sarah. I should never have put you in that position. I had way too much to drink and I acted like an ass**le.”
Her gaze avoided mine as she listened to my half-assed apology.
“Still friends?” I asked, forcing a smile.
“Always.” She returned the smile and we looked at each other for a long moment before my phone began to ring in my pocket. I pulled it out and looked at the screen.
“It’s Donna. I gotta go.”
Sarah only nodded and opened the door to her room. I watched her slip inside before making my way down the hall to the elevator.
8
SARAH
I CLOSED THE DOOR to the hotel room quietly and leaned back against it. My heart sank into my stomach as I stared at Derek, sprawled on the bed. All I could think about all night was E. Why did he have to complicate our friendship? It had felt so good to start to reconnect with him, to move past the awkward radio silence that had defined the last few weeks between us, but then he had to go and do something that he knew would piss me off, not to mention Derek.
My mind was racing; I was pissed and confused.
And why did it suddenly piss me off that he was going to meet up with Donna? I banged my head against the door as if I were trying to knock some clarity into my mind, and the sound seemed to bring Derek back to life.
“What’s up?” Derek groaned as he stretched across the bed.
“Nothing. I just don’t feel well. I think I drank too much last night.”
He laughed and patted a spot next to him on the bed. I pushed to my feet and slowly made my way over to him. His one eye was completely swollen shut, his cheekbone bruised and split open.
I sat down next to him and ran my fingertips over his cheek. “They got you good.”
He rolled over and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Yeah, but I won.” He let out a low laugh and coughed.
“Let me get you some water.” I went to stand but Derek’s grip tightened around my waist, holding me next to him.
“I’m fine. I just need some more sleep. Have you seen any of the guys?”
My heart began to race as I thought of what to say. Derek had been right about E, and telling him that would only cause a fight. “Not since last night. E went back in the club to look for you for me, but the cops came before he could find you.”
Derek smiled and nodded his head. “I’ll have to thank him later.”
I smiled down at him, glad that maybe he and E might finally be able to put some of their differences behind them and be friends.
“Come here.” He pulled me down so I was lying with my back to him as he snuggled against me. “Wake me up in an hour.” He yawned and laid his head against my back. I tried to relax against him, but I felt as if everything had changed in just a few short hours. It was killing me inside. Derek was finally trying. He was coming around and doing the right thing, but all I could think about was E. I closed my eyes as a tear slid onto the sheet below and prayed that sleep would take away my guilt, even if just for an hour.
