Why Not Tonight
Page 59
“It’s different,” he told her. “The parent you knew was a wonderful person who loved you and nurtured you. It’s not the same for me.”
“It’s true that you don’t know who your biological mother is, but I disagree about it changing who you are inside. You are good and funny and smart and gifted and an amazing man.” She took his hands in hers. “I’ve fallen in love with you, Ronan. I’ve been so afraid to risk my heart. I lost my mom. Then I lost Quentin and, more importantly, his family. I was afraid to believe.” She smiled. “Until I met you. I love you and I wanted you to know.”
She tried to keep her voice light and hopeful but it was difficult as she watched his expression tighten and all emotion fade from his eyes.
“You’re all I’ve been looking for,” she went on. “I didn’t know it, but you are. I understand if you’re not ready or you don’t feel the same, but I needed to tell you. It seemed the right thing to do.”
At least, it had in the safety of her bedroom. Now, facing him, she was less sure about anything.
He stood up abruptly and glared at her. “Why did you have to do this? Why did you have to change everything? This isn’t going to work. What are you thinking? Look at you. You’re light and whole and happy. You think I want to be responsible for destroying that? Look at what I did to your canvas. I destroyed it.”
She stood. “You didn’t. It turned out even better.”
“You were lucky. I could have ruined it. I could ruin you. Do you know how that thought terrifies me? I could destroy you.”
“No. I’m stronger than that, Ronan. I always have been.”
“Do you know what’s inside of me?” he asked, his voice low and filled with fury. “Do you? Because I sure as hell don’t. I have him and that’s all. All the selfish, narcissistic evil in that man is in me. Every single day I think about that. When will I become him? When will I start hitting my kids and destroying their creations? When will I cheat on my wife and become an asshole? It’s just a matter of time.”
“You’re not him,” she protested. “You never have been. The fact that you worry about it proves the point. If you were like him, you wouldn’t care.”
He stared at her. “I won’t risk it. Not with you. Never with you.”
She reached for him, but he’d already pulled back too far. Her fingers grasped only air, and before she could stop him, he was gone.
CHAPTER TWENTY
RONAN WANTED TO throw the cooled piece of glass against the wall, but knew that would make too much of a statement. Instead he dropped it into the large trash bin in the corner and tried to find satisfaction in the sound of it shattering into a thousand pieces.
He’d already sent his interns home. In the past two days he hadn’t made any progress. Everything he touched was a disaster. He couldn’t think, couldn’t sleep, and he wanted to run so far the gnawing ache in his gut couldn’t find him.
He ripped off his goggles as he tried to decide what to do. Working from home hadn’t helped. He’d tried that only to end up here. Maybe if he ate something, or got drunk, but neither sounded appealing.
Damn it all to hell, what had she been thinking? Showing him pictures of his father’s work, then telling him she loved him. Who did that? What was her point? Reminding him who his father was didn’t exactly get him in the mood. Ceallach was everything he didn’t want to be. Why couldn’t she understand that?
And how could she love him? He was a moody SOB who was barely holding it together. He was a bad risk—she had to know that. He lived in fear that he would hurt her. Things had been difficult enough before, but now that she wanted him to know she loved him, it was so much worse.
Mathias glanced across the studio. “What has your panties in a bunch? You’ve had something up your ass for a couple of days now.”
Ronan ignored him and the mixed metaphor. Unfortunately Natalie chose that moment to walk into the studio. Ronan wasn’t sure she’d heard the exchange until she said, “That would be my fault.”
All three brothers looked at her. Nick and Mathias were both curious, while Ronan was filled with dread. She wouldn’t... She couldn’t possibly...
“He’s dealing with the fact that I told him I’m in love with him and he has no idea what to say back.”
Her courage knocked the wind out of him. Her voice was strong and the only evidence of what she’d been going through was in the slight puffiness around her eyes. Because she’d been crying? He didn’t want to think that, didn’t want to know if she’d been hurt. He never wanted to hurt her. She was everything to him, only he couldn’t—
He realized the room had gone totally silent. Everyone was staring at him. His brothers looked shocked, Natalie was in obvious pain and they all appeared to expect him to say something.
“No,” he said, more to himself than them. “Just no.”
He stormed out of the studio and got in his truck. There was only one place he could go and that was home. Halfway up the mountain he realized he didn’t want to be alone, but where else was there? He couldn’t go back to town and hang with his brothers. Natalie was totally off-limits. He’d hurt her enough already.
Without wanting to, he remembered what it had been like when he was a kid. How his father would casually backhand whichever of them was closest. They’d all learned to duck and weave until Del had gotten big enough to hit back. After that, Del had stood between his brothers and his father. When Del wasn’t around, Aidan took over, then Nick. By the time he and Mathias had been about sixteen, Ceallach had stopped trying to slap them around, but he’d worked his darkness in other ways.
He’d belittled them, had destroyed their work, mocked their abilities and generally made their lives hell. He’d dismissed his two older sons for not having any artistic ability and had convinced Mathias, the most gifted of them all, that he was worthless. Nick had stopped working with glass altogether, preferring to be a bartender than having anything to do with their father’s world.
There had been so much pain, so much regret, so much hiding and defending and not wanting to be like him.
He reached his house and leaned his forehead against the steering wheel. He missed Natalie so much he wondered if he could keep breathing without her. He knew she trusted him completely, that she believed she would be fine and that he would never do anything bad. But she was wrong—her current pain was proof of that. And even if she wasn’t, her belief in him wasn’t enough. He had to believe in himself and he couldn’t.
* * *
“HEY.”
Natalie looked up from the paperwork on her desk, paperwork she couldn’t see because her eyes were filled with tears.
Nick stood in the doorway. “I just wanted to check on you.”
“I’m fine.”
“Liar.”
She tried to smile and failed. Nick pulled her to her feet, then wrapped his strong arms around her.
“Damn,” he said gently. “That was about the bravest thing I ever saw.”
She gave in to the tears she’d been holding back. “You th-think?”
“I know. He’s an idiot. Want me to beat him up for you, because I will. I’ll need to take Mathias with me, but between the two of us, I’m pretty sure we can give him a black eye and maybe crack a bone or two.”
“It’s true that you don’t know who your biological mother is, but I disagree about it changing who you are inside. You are good and funny and smart and gifted and an amazing man.” She took his hands in hers. “I’ve fallen in love with you, Ronan. I’ve been so afraid to risk my heart. I lost my mom. Then I lost Quentin and, more importantly, his family. I was afraid to believe.” She smiled. “Until I met you. I love you and I wanted you to know.”
She tried to keep her voice light and hopeful but it was difficult as she watched his expression tighten and all emotion fade from his eyes.
“You’re all I’ve been looking for,” she went on. “I didn’t know it, but you are. I understand if you’re not ready or you don’t feel the same, but I needed to tell you. It seemed the right thing to do.”
At least, it had in the safety of her bedroom. Now, facing him, she was less sure about anything.
He stood up abruptly and glared at her. “Why did you have to do this? Why did you have to change everything? This isn’t going to work. What are you thinking? Look at you. You’re light and whole and happy. You think I want to be responsible for destroying that? Look at what I did to your canvas. I destroyed it.”
She stood. “You didn’t. It turned out even better.”
“You were lucky. I could have ruined it. I could ruin you. Do you know how that thought terrifies me? I could destroy you.”
“No. I’m stronger than that, Ronan. I always have been.”
“Do you know what’s inside of me?” he asked, his voice low and filled with fury. “Do you? Because I sure as hell don’t. I have him and that’s all. All the selfish, narcissistic evil in that man is in me. Every single day I think about that. When will I become him? When will I start hitting my kids and destroying their creations? When will I cheat on my wife and become an asshole? It’s just a matter of time.”
“You’re not him,” she protested. “You never have been. The fact that you worry about it proves the point. If you were like him, you wouldn’t care.”
He stared at her. “I won’t risk it. Not with you. Never with you.”
She reached for him, but he’d already pulled back too far. Her fingers grasped only air, and before she could stop him, he was gone.
CHAPTER TWENTY
RONAN WANTED TO throw the cooled piece of glass against the wall, but knew that would make too much of a statement. Instead he dropped it into the large trash bin in the corner and tried to find satisfaction in the sound of it shattering into a thousand pieces.
He’d already sent his interns home. In the past two days he hadn’t made any progress. Everything he touched was a disaster. He couldn’t think, couldn’t sleep, and he wanted to run so far the gnawing ache in his gut couldn’t find him.
He ripped off his goggles as he tried to decide what to do. Working from home hadn’t helped. He’d tried that only to end up here. Maybe if he ate something, or got drunk, but neither sounded appealing.
Damn it all to hell, what had she been thinking? Showing him pictures of his father’s work, then telling him she loved him. Who did that? What was her point? Reminding him who his father was didn’t exactly get him in the mood. Ceallach was everything he didn’t want to be. Why couldn’t she understand that?
And how could she love him? He was a moody SOB who was barely holding it together. He was a bad risk—she had to know that. He lived in fear that he would hurt her. Things had been difficult enough before, but now that she wanted him to know she loved him, it was so much worse.
Mathias glanced across the studio. “What has your panties in a bunch? You’ve had something up your ass for a couple of days now.”
Ronan ignored him and the mixed metaphor. Unfortunately Natalie chose that moment to walk into the studio. Ronan wasn’t sure she’d heard the exchange until she said, “That would be my fault.”
All three brothers looked at her. Nick and Mathias were both curious, while Ronan was filled with dread. She wouldn’t... She couldn’t possibly...
“He’s dealing with the fact that I told him I’m in love with him and he has no idea what to say back.”
Her courage knocked the wind out of him. Her voice was strong and the only evidence of what she’d been going through was in the slight puffiness around her eyes. Because she’d been crying? He didn’t want to think that, didn’t want to know if she’d been hurt. He never wanted to hurt her. She was everything to him, only he couldn’t—
He realized the room had gone totally silent. Everyone was staring at him. His brothers looked shocked, Natalie was in obvious pain and they all appeared to expect him to say something.
“No,” he said, more to himself than them. “Just no.”
He stormed out of the studio and got in his truck. There was only one place he could go and that was home. Halfway up the mountain he realized he didn’t want to be alone, but where else was there? He couldn’t go back to town and hang with his brothers. Natalie was totally off-limits. He’d hurt her enough already.
Without wanting to, he remembered what it had been like when he was a kid. How his father would casually backhand whichever of them was closest. They’d all learned to duck and weave until Del had gotten big enough to hit back. After that, Del had stood between his brothers and his father. When Del wasn’t around, Aidan took over, then Nick. By the time he and Mathias had been about sixteen, Ceallach had stopped trying to slap them around, but he’d worked his darkness in other ways.
He’d belittled them, had destroyed their work, mocked their abilities and generally made their lives hell. He’d dismissed his two older sons for not having any artistic ability and had convinced Mathias, the most gifted of them all, that he was worthless. Nick had stopped working with glass altogether, preferring to be a bartender than having anything to do with their father’s world.
There had been so much pain, so much regret, so much hiding and defending and not wanting to be like him.
He reached his house and leaned his forehead against the steering wheel. He missed Natalie so much he wondered if he could keep breathing without her. He knew she trusted him completely, that she believed she would be fine and that he would never do anything bad. But she was wrong—her current pain was proof of that. And even if she wasn’t, her belief in him wasn’t enough. He had to believe in himself and he couldn’t.
* * *
“HEY.”
Natalie looked up from the paperwork on her desk, paperwork she couldn’t see because her eyes were filled with tears.
Nick stood in the doorway. “I just wanted to check on you.”
“I’m fine.”
“Liar.”
She tried to smile and failed. Nick pulled her to her feet, then wrapped his strong arms around her.
“Damn,” he said gently. “That was about the bravest thing I ever saw.”
She gave in to the tears she’d been holding back. “You th-think?”
“I know. He’s an idiot. Want me to beat him up for you, because I will. I’ll need to take Mathias with me, but between the two of us, I’m pretty sure we can give him a black eye and maybe crack a bone or two.”
