With All My Soul
Page 107
He didnt have to tell me twice.
I raced across the room, and what remained of the crowd split for me. Tods eyes widened and filled with tears. His arms opened. My letter fluttered to the ground. I threw myself at himarms around his neck, legs around his waistand the moment we touched, fog rolled up from the floor and over us.
The Netherworld faded, and Avaris bellow of fury faded with it.
The school basement came into focus around us, and I exhaled like I hadnt had a breath to release in years. And in truth, I hadnt.
Tods arms tightened around me as he lowered us to the floor, my limbs still wrapped around him. Tears poured down my face as I clutched him, feeling the muscles shift beneath his shirt as I ran my hands over his back. He felt so solid. So real. His features didnt shift into monstrous shapes with each change of temperament. His teeth didnt bite. His touch didnt hurt.
I slid my fingers into his hair, and his curls were the softest thing Id ever felt. He smelled so goodso sweet and cleanand he felt so good, so I kissed my way down his jaw until I found his mouth, then I kissed him. And kissed him. And kissed him some more. And finally I had to make myself stop before I devoured him whole, because I was starving, and he was the first sustenance Id had in years, and he was exactly the right sustenance, but I would never feed from him like Avari fed from me, and just that thought sent horror rolling through me and...
I opened my eyes. Tod was shaking. His whole body was trembling beneath mine, and when I pulled away to see his face, I realized he was crying. At first I thought Id hurt him. Then I realized how ridiculous that was. I couldnt hurt anyone. I was the least threatening thing in the world. In either world. I had no claws, or fangs, or tail, or horns, or any abilities strong enough to command respect or fear....
Are you real? He pulled me close again and whispered the halting words into my ear. Did that really just happen? Youre alive?
My arms slid around him again. No more now than I was before, but yes. My voice was hoarse and I couldnt stop grinning. I couldnt remember ever seeing a room as glorious as my grungy high school basement, based solely on the fact that it was in the human world. Beyond the reach of hellions.
You were dead. Gone. For four years. We mourned you. We grieved, he said, and I could see the truth of that in his eyes. In the solemn slant of his mouth. Everyone else moved on.
They moved on. I blinked, denying fresh tears an exit. That was good. I wanted them to move on. That was why they couldnt know. Did you...move on?
Tod shook his head. I tried. I tried so hard. But no matter where I went and what I did, I could still feel you. It was... It felt like I could walk into the next room, and youd bethere smiling. Waiting for me. Like I could turn a corner, and youd be standing there. I missed you so much. I thought I was losing my mind.
Im so sorry.
Its okay. He put one hand on either side of my face and kissed me. It makes sense now. I had part of your soul. You gave it to me. Thats why I couldnt let you go.
Thats why hed suffered for four years, like my father had been suffering for thirteen, since my mother died.
Nope. Seventeen. The past four years in the Nether had felt like an eternity, yet I could hardly comprehend that same passage of time in the human world. I felt like everything in my native plane should have stood still. Like the world should have stopped revolving in my absence, only to resume when I returned. But that hadnt happened. Tod had lived through those four years without me, suffering a subconscious promise to wait for me. Carrying a bit of my soul with his own.
My eyes closed as I realized the depth of the pain Id put him through.
But Id had no choice. If I hadnt done what Id done, hed still be suffering. We all would. And it would never have ended.
Are you okay? he asked, and I opened my eyes to find him staring at me. I started to nod, but he continued before I could. Of course youre not okay. Youve been there for four years. Four years of what? His features twisted with some form of suffering I couldnt quite wrap my mind around. He wasnt hurt. I wasnt hurt. Yet he was clearly in pain.
Empathy. That word came out of nowhere. From deep within the well of things I hadnt needed in the Nether. Things I hadnt seen or used.
But that wasnt it, exactly.
Rage. That one Id used. That one Id seen. But that wasnt quite it, either.
Tod was hurting for me. He was angry for me. He felt...powerless. Helpless. Useless. Those I saw in his eyes, in the moment before I became overwhelmed by the fact that I was staring into his eyes. In my more rational moments, over the past four years, Id been convinced Id never see him again.
Four years of what, Kaylee? he whispered, and his voice cracked on my name.
I shook my head slowly. Doesnt matter. Its over now.
It matters. I need to know what you...what I let...
No. I took his chin in my hand and made him look at me, terrified by what I saw in his eyes now. Guilt. You didnt do this. You couldnt have stopped it. I went through a lot of trouble to make sure you didnt know about it, because I knew that if you thought I was still herestill anywhereyou would move heaven and the Netherworld to get to me. And I couldnt let that happen.
I raced across the room, and what remained of the crowd split for me. Tods eyes widened and filled with tears. His arms opened. My letter fluttered to the ground. I threw myself at himarms around his neck, legs around his waistand the moment we touched, fog rolled up from the floor and over us.
The Netherworld faded, and Avaris bellow of fury faded with it.
The school basement came into focus around us, and I exhaled like I hadnt had a breath to release in years. And in truth, I hadnt.
Tods arms tightened around me as he lowered us to the floor, my limbs still wrapped around him. Tears poured down my face as I clutched him, feeling the muscles shift beneath his shirt as I ran my hands over his back. He felt so solid. So real. His features didnt shift into monstrous shapes with each change of temperament. His teeth didnt bite. His touch didnt hurt.
I slid my fingers into his hair, and his curls were the softest thing Id ever felt. He smelled so goodso sweet and cleanand he felt so good, so I kissed my way down his jaw until I found his mouth, then I kissed him. And kissed him. And kissed him some more. And finally I had to make myself stop before I devoured him whole, because I was starving, and he was the first sustenance Id had in years, and he was exactly the right sustenance, but I would never feed from him like Avari fed from me, and just that thought sent horror rolling through me and...
I opened my eyes. Tod was shaking. His whole body was trembling beneath mine, and when I pulled away to see his face, I realized he was crying. At first I thought Id hurt him. Then I realized how ridiculous that was. I couldnt hurt anyone. I was the least threatening thing in the world. In either world. I had no claws, or fangs, or tail, or horns, or any abilities strong enough to command respect or fear....
Are you real? He pulled me close again and whispered the halting words into my ear. Did that really just happen? Youre alive?
My arms slid around him again. No more now than I was before, but yes. My voice was hoarse and I couldnt stop grinning. I couldnt remember ever seeing a room as glorious as my grungy high school basement, based solely on the fact that it was in the human world. Beyond the reach of hellions.
You were dead. Gone. For four years. We mourned you. We grieved, he said, and I could see the truth of that in his eyes. In the solemn slant of his mouth. Everyone else moved on.
They moved on. I blinked, denying fresh tears an exit. That was good. I wanted them to move on. That was why they couldnt know. Did you...move on?
Tod shook his head. I tried. I tried so hard. But no matter where I went and what I did, I could still feel you. It was... It felt like I could walk into the next room, and youd bethere smiling. Waiting for me. Like I could turn a corner, and youd be standing there. I missed you so much. I thought I was losing my mind.
Im so sorry.
Its okay. He put one hand on either side of my face and kissed me. It makes sense now. I had part of your soul. You gave it to me. Thats why I couldnt let you go.
Thats why hed suffered for four years, like my father had been suffering for thirteen, since my mother died.
Nope. Seventeen. The past four years in the Nether had felt like an eternity, yet I could hardly comprehend that same passage of time in the human world. I felt like everything in my native plane should have stood still. Like the world should have stopped revolving in my absence, only to resume when I returned. But that hadnt happened. Tod had lived through those four years without me, suffering a subconscious promise to wait for me. Carrying a bit of my soul with his own.
My eyes closed as I realized the depth of the pain Id put him through.
But Id had no choice. If I hadnt done what Id done, hed still be suffering. We all would. And it would never have ended.
Are you okay? he asked, and I opened my eyes to find him staring at me. I started to nod, but he continued before I could. Of course youre not okay. Youve been there for four years. Four years of what? His features twisted with some form of suffering I couldnt quite wrap my mind around. He wasnt hurt. I wasnt hurt. Yet he was clearly in pain.
Empathy. That word came out of nowhere. From deep within the well of things I hadnt needed in the Nether. Things I hadnt seen or used.
But that wasnt it, exactly.
Rage. That one Id used. That one Id seen. But that wasnt quite it, either.
Tod was hurting for me. He was angry for me. He felt...powerless. Helpless. Useless. Those I saw in his eyes, in the moment before I became overwhelmed by the fact that I was staring into his eyes. In my more rational moments, over the past four years, Id been convinced Id never see him again.
Four years of what, Kaylee? he whispered, and his voice cracked on my name.
I shook my head slowly. Doesnt matter. Its over now.
It matters. I need to know what you...what I let...
No. I took his chin in my hand and made him look at me, terrified by what I saw in his eyes now. Guilt. You didnt do this. You couldnt have stopped it. I went through a lot of trouble to make sure you didnt know about it, because I knew that if you thought I was still herestill anywhereyou would move heaven and the Netherworld to get to me. And I couldnt let that happen.
