With All My Soul
Page 11
Just this. I threaded my fingers between his in my lap. But I was already starting to regret volunteering for our little experiment. The more I thought about it, the easier it was to remember how Id felt with Invidia spewing envy into the air at my school, poisoning us, amplifying whatever benign envy we felt on a daily basis until it poured from us in bitter, violent waves.
If she hadnt been thereif we hadnt been under the influence of more jealousy than any normal sixteen-year-old could handlewould Sabine and I have fought over Nash? Or would I have seen what was right in front of me sooner?
I didnt have the answer, and thinking about itabout being out of control of my own emotionsmade me angry. So I snuggled closer to Tod, determined to distract myself from my fears. Have you ever been jealous of anyone? Like, really jealous?
Is that a serious question?
Something in his tone made me pull away just enough that I could turn and see his face.
Nash?
The blues in his irises twisted for a second before he got his emotions under control.
Dont, I whispered. Let me see. Please.
Tod frowned. Then he closed his eyes, and when they opened, the shades of blue they held were churning like a storm at sea, cobalt twisting through thin, fragile shades of glacial ice, then rolling over bold streaks of cerulean.
That bad, huh? I couldnt completely hide the satisfaction in my voice. It was nice to be wanted. It was even better to be needed, and I could feel how much Tod needed me every day. He needed me almost as much as I needed him.
It wasnt just jealousy, Kaylee. I coveted you. It was all biblical and forbidden.
Tell me.
He hesitated just for a second. I hated seeing you with him, but I couldnt stay away because I knew that if I wasnt there, you two would do things youd never do with me in the room, and then Id be all alone imagining thatimagining my brother touching the girl I was meant to be with for the rest of my afterlifeand then... Well, then things would get worse. But its not like I could say anything. Not as long as you wanted to be with him.
I smiled. I couldnt help it.
Its not funny. He frowned, and even his frown was beautiful. It was torture.
Im not laughing. Im just feeling very, very lucky.
Is it possible that this liquid envy has some kind of osmosis effect? Like maybe its leaking out through your pores, and Im breathing most of it in? Because Im reliving the worst envy of my entire existence, and you seem just fine.
I shrugged. I have nothing to be jealous of.
His pale brow rose again,and I realized Id accidentally laid down a challenge. Im perfectly covetable, you know.
Oh, I know. Im grateful every single day for the fact that youre invisible to everyone else most of the time, so Im the only one looking at you. And I looked at him a lot. He was the most beautiful thing Id ever seen. So I dont have to beat girls off of you.
Would you? He looked intrigued. Would you fight for me?
Would you make me?
No. There will never be anyone else for me, Kay. He grinned that evil reaper grin, and I knew what was coming before the words even left his tongue. But there were a few before you....
La la la! I covered my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, pretending I couldnt hear him. But the seed had already taken root in my brain.
He pulled one hand away from my ear. How are we supposed to evaluate the strength of this essence of envy if you refuse to explore your own jealousy?
I opened my eyes and dropped my other hand. Fine. Point taken. But I didnt have to like it. How many?
He frowned again. How many what?
How many girls? Before me?
His frown deepened. Thats not what I was getting at. Its not a competition....
I know. It cant be a competition, because I cant compete. Because Ive never been with anyone but you. But you cant say that, can you? He flinched and I felt sorry for him for a second. Just one second. How many, Tod?
I think were losing track of the point, here.
Addison? Were you with her? Like, with her?
I saw it in his eyes, and my chest ached like Id been punched. Like someone had tried to rip my heart out through my rib cage. She was your first. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to swallow, but my throat didnt want to work right.
Kaylee. His hands slid down my arms, and my eyes flew open again.
What is it with you Hudson boys and your first loves? She was a rock star. A TV star. And she would have burst right out of any one of my bras. How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?
Youre not. Addisons dead, Kaylee. Not just dead. Because I was dead, and he was dead. Shes gone. Her soul had been disintegrated and scattered throughout both worlds two weeks before, and it could take centuries for it to slowly reform.
I know, and Im sorry about that, but honestly, Im a little less sorry than I was a second ago.
His eyes widened, and he looked...surprised.
If she hadnt been thereif we hadnt been under the influence of more jealousy than any normal sixteen-year-old could handlewould Sabine and I have fought over Nash? Or would I have seen what was right in front of me sooner?
I didnt have the answer, and thinking about itabout being out of control of my own emotionsmade me angry. So I snuggled closer to Tod, determined to distract myself from my fears. Have you ever been jealous of anyone? Like, really jealous?
Is that a serious question?
Something in his tone made me pull away just enough that I could turn and see his face.
Nash?
The blues in his irises twisted for a second before he got his emotions under control.
Dont, I whispered. Let me see. Please.
Tod frowned. Then he closed his eyes, and when they opened, the shades of blue they held were churning like a storm at sea, cobalt twisting through thin, fragile shades of glacial ice, then rolling over bold streaks of cerulean.
That bad, huh? I couldnt completely hide the satisfaction in my voice. It was nice to be wanted. It was even better to be needed, and I could feel how much Tod needed me every day. He needed me almost as much as I needed him.
It wasnt just jealousy, Kaylee. I coveted you. It was all biblical and forbidden.
Tell me.
He hesitated just for a second. I hated seeing you with him, but I couldnt stay away because I knew that if I wasnt there, you two would do things youd never do with me in the room, and then Id be all alone imagining thatimagining my brother touching the girl I was meant to be with for the rest of my afterlifeand then... Well, then things would get worse. But its not like I could say anything. Not as long as you wanted to be with him.
I smiled. I couldnt help it.
Its not funny. He frowned, and even his frown was beautiful. It was torture.
Im not laughing. Im just feeling very, very lucky.
Is it possible that this liquid envy has some kind of osmosis effect? Like maybe its leaking out through your pores, and Im breathing most of it in? Because Im reliving the worst envy of my entire existence, and you seem just fine.
I shrugged. I have nothing to be jealous of.
His pale brow rose again,and I realized Id accidentally laid down a challenge. Im perfectly covetable, you know.
Oh, I know. Im grateful every single day for the fact that youre invisible to everyone else most of the time, so Im the only one looking at you. And I looked at him a lot. He was the most beautiful thing Id ever seen. So I dont have to beat girls off of you.
Would you? He looked intrigued. Would you fight for me?
Would you make me?
No. There will never be anyone else for me, Kay. He grinned that evil reaper grin, and I knew what was coming before the words even left his tongue. But there were a few before you....
La la la! I covered my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, pretending I couldnt hear him. But the seed had already taken root in my brain.
He pulled one hand away from my ear. How are we supposed to evaluate the strength of this essence of envy if you refuse to explore your own jealousy?
I opened my eyes and dropped my other hand. Fine. Point taken. But I didnt have to like it. How many?
He frowned again. How many what?
How many girls? Before me?
His frown deepened. Thats not what I was getting at. Its not a competition....
I know. It cant be a competition, because I cant compete. Because Ive never been with anyone but you. But you cant say that, can you? He flinched and I felt sorry for him for a second. Just one second. How many, Tod?
I think were losing track of the point, here.
Addison? Were you with her? Like, with her?
I saw it in his eyes, and my chest ached like Id been punched. Like someone had tried to rip my heart out through my rib cage. She was your first. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to swallow, but my throat didnt want to work right.
Kaylee. His hands slid down my arms, and my eyes flew open again.
What is it with you Hudson boys and your first loves? She was a rock star. A TV star. And she would have burst right out of any one of my bras. How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?
Youre not. Addisons dead, Kaylee. Not just dead. Because I was dead, and he was dead. Shes gone. Her soul had been disintegrated and scattered throughout both worlds two weeks before, and it could take centuries for it to slowly reform.
I know, and Im sorry about that, but honestly, Im a little less sorry than I was a second ago.
His eyes widened, and he looked...surprised.
