With All My Soul
Page 64
I dont have a heart of gold. Lately it felt more like I had a heart of steel. Like full-body armor was the only way I could protect the muscle that didnt always beat anymore but always felt bruised.
Yeah, you do. What you dont see is that Tod would do anything for you because he loves you, but hes not like that with everyone else. Hes not like that with anyone else.
Youre wrong. Hes not perfectnone of us arebut hed do anything for the people he loves, and youre one of them.
Right. I almost forgot that stealing your brothers girlfriend is the best way to strengthen that fraternal bond, Nash said. I started to object, but he held one hand up again to stop me. I know. I have to get over that, and I am getting over it. Im getting over you, anyway. But hes my brother. We share the same parents. The same blood. He was willing to die to keep from reaping your soul, but he wasnt even willing to keep his tongue in his own mouth to keep me from getting dumped. That tells me exactly how much I mean to him.
I exhaled slowly and sank into my desk chair, one foot on the floor to keep it from turning. Dont say it, Kaylee. It wasnt my place. I had no intention of saying it until the words just fell out of my mouth.
You died, Nash.
He kind of tilted his head, like he hadnt quite heard me. What?
You died, when you were sixteen. In a car wreck. Hit head-on by a drunk driver who forgot to turn on his headlights. Your heart stopped beating. You stopped breathing. I know you probably dont remember all of that, but Im assuming you remember at least part of it.
Is this a joke? Thats how Tod died. I broke a few ribs, but I was fine. See? He spread his arms, like that would prove he was right and I was wrong, and I only stared up at him, waiting for him to understand. For him to let himself understand what was surely already starting to sink in.
No. He shook his head a little too hard, and his thick hair looked like a crazy brown halo for a second. Kay, no, Tod died. It nearly killed our mom. It nearly killed me. It was my fault, because I went out when I was grounded and my ride got drunk, so I called Tod. If it werent for me and that stupid party, he wouldnt have been on the road that night, but he still would have died, because it was his time. He was on some reapers list.
No, you were on the list. And you died, just like you would have died even if your drunk friend had been driving instead of Tod. But lucky for you, Tod was driving. He was there when you died, and he was there when Levi showed up for your soul.
No. Nash stared at his hands, lying limp in his lap. No, no, no...
Do you know what it takes to become a reaper, Nash? He didnt look at me. He was still trying to see the truth in his own empty palms. It takes a sacrifice. To even be considered for a position as a reaper, the recruit has to be willing to exchange his death date with someone elses, without knowing about the possibility of being granted an afterlife.
Youre serious? His irises were a storm of browns and greens, twisting too fast for me to interpret. This is real? Youre saying Tod really...?
Im saying that when you died, your brother started shouting for the reaper to show himself. He demanded to be taken in your place. He died way before his time so you could live. So that you could go on and make something of your life.
My fault... Nash closed his eyes, and I could no longer see the tangle of shock and regret swirling in his irises. All this time Ive been telling myself that it wasnt my fault, because he would have died anyway. But it really is my fault. I got him killed.
No, you didnt. It was his choice, and I would bet you the rest of my own afterlife that if he had the chance, hed do it all over again.
Nashs eyes flew open, and now the emotion in them was clearheartbreak. Why didnt he tell me?
Because he didnt want you to feel guilty. The same reason he made your mom and me promise not to tell you, either. And Id just broken that promise. Damn it.
My mom knows?
I nodded. Shes known almost from the beginning. I just found out last month.
Nash looked devastated. Confused. Almost...fragile. Why are you telling me, if he didnt want me to know?
I probably shouldnt have. I didnt mean to. I think thats the first promise to him that Ive ever broken, and I swear itll be the last. Tod deserved better than a girlfriend who couldnt keep her word. But you needed to know what hes given up for you. You need to know that he does care about you, more than you can possibly imagine. We both do. And he would never have tried to come between you and me, though goodness knows he had several chances. Sabine had even tried to convince him to work with her to break us up, and hed refused. Because he doesnt want to hurt you.
For nearly a minute, Nash sat unmoving on the end of Emmas bed. Staring at the carpet. His heart must have been pounding, because I could see his pulse jump on the side of his neck, even when everything else was so incredibly still.
Then he met my gaze from across the room. Im supposed to be dead. Tods supposed to be alive.
Yeah, you do. What you dont see is that Tod would do anything for you because he loves you, but hes not like that with everyone else. Hes not like that with anyone else.
Youre wrong. Hes not perfectnone of us arebut hed do anything for the people he loves, and youre one of them.
Right. I almost forgot that stealing your brothers girlfriend is the best way to strengthen that fraternal bond, Nash said. I started to object, but he held one hand up again to stop me. I know. I have to get over that, and I am getting over it. Im getting over you, anyway. But hes my brother. We share the same parents. The same blood. He was willing to die to keep from reaping your soul, but he wasnt even willing to keep his tongue in his own mouth to keep me from getting dumped. That tells me exactly how much I mean to him.
I exhaled slowly and sank into my desk chair, one foot on the floor to keep it from turning. Dont say it, Kaylee. It wasnt my place. I had no intention of saying it until the words just fell out of my mouth.
You died, Nash.
He kind of tilted his head, like he hadnt quite heard me. What?
You died, when you were sixteen. In a car wreck. Hit head-on by a drunk driver who forgot to turn on his headlights. Your heart stopped beating. You stopped breathing. I know you probably dont remember all of that, but Im assuming you remember at least part of it.
Is this a joke? Thats how Tod died. I broke a few ribs, but I was fine. See? He spread his arms, like that would prove he was right and I was wrong, and I only stared up at him, waiting for him to understand. For him to let himself understand what was surely already starting to sink in.
No. He shook his head a little too hard, and his thick hair looked like a crazy brown halo for a second. Kay, no, Tod died. It nearly killed our mom. It nearly killed me. It was my fault, because I went out when I was grounded and my ride got drunk, so I called Tod. If it werent for me and that stupid party, he wouldnt have been on the road that night, but he still would have died, because it was his time. He was on some reapers list.
No, you were on the list. And you died, just like you would have died even if your drunk friend had been driving instead of Tod. But lucky for you, Tod was driving. He was there when you died, and he was there when Levi showed up for your soul.
No. Nash stared at his hands, lying limp in his lap. No, no, no...
Do you know what it takes to become a reaper, Nash? He didnt look at me. He was still trying to see the truth in his own empty palms. It takes a sacrifice. To even be considered for a position as a reaper, the recruit has to be willing to exchange his death date with someone elses, without knowing about the possibility of being granted an afterlife.
Youre serious? His irises were a storm of browns and greens, twisting too fast for me to interpret. This is real? Youre saying Tod really...?
Im saying that when you died, your brother started shouting for the reaper to show himself. He demanded to be taken in your place. He died way before his time so you could live. So that you could go on and make something of your life.
My fault... Nash closed his eyes, and I could no longer see the tangle of shock and regret swirling in his irises. All this time Ive been telling myself that it wasnt my fault, because he would have died anyway. But it really is my fault. I got him killed.
No, you didnt. It was his choice, and I would bet you the rest of my own afterlife that if he had the chance, hed do it all over again.
Nashs eyes flew open, and now the emotion in them was clearheartbreak. Why didnt he tell me?
Because he didnt want you to feel guilty. The same reason he made your mom and me promise not to tell you, either. And Id just broken that promise. Damn it.
My mom knows?
I nodded. Shes known almost from the beginning. I just found out last month.
Nash looked devastated. Confused. Almost...fragile. Why are you telling me, if he didnt want me to know?
I probably shouldnt have. I didnt mean to. I think thats the first promise to him that Ive ever broken, and I swear itll be the last. Tod deserved better than a girlfriend who couldnt keep her word. But you needed to know what hes given up for you. You need to know that he does care about you, more than you can possibly imagine. We both do. And he would never have tried to come between you and me, though goodness knows he had several chances. Sabine had even tried to convince him to work with her to break us up, and hed refused. Because he doesnt want to hurt you.
For nearly a minute, Nash sat unmoving on the end of Emmas bed. Staring at the carpet. His heart must have been pounding, because I could see his pulse jump on the side of his neck, even when everything else was so incredibly still.
Then he met my gaze from across the room. Im supposed to be dead. Tods supposed to be alive.
