With All My Soul
Page 65
No. Theres no more supposed to be, I insisted. It is what it is, for both of you. This is what he wanted. For you.
But he didnt graduate. He didnt go to college. He didnt even get a senior year of high school. He gave those to me instead, and what did I do with them?
My heart hurt for him. Nash, dont
I wasted them. He paid for my future with his own life, and I threw it all away, like it was worth nothing, when the truth is that it was worth everything.
You didnt waste it. You
I wasted it. Nash shook his head slowly, and his gaze lost focus. All this time I wanted him to move on. No, I wanted him to go away. I thought he took the job as a reaper because he wasnt ready to leave. I thought he was hanging around because he hated me or was jealous of my life. Or wanted to take away the things I care about.
Like me. He didnt say it, but we both heard it.
But the truth is... Nash stopped and looked at me again, like he didnt know how to finish his sentence. I...I dont really know what to do with this information, Kaylee. I dont know how to process it. Im not supposed to be here. I feel like the past two and a half years of my life have been a lie.
No, your life isnt a lie, and it never has been. Your life is an opportunity. A gift. Just like mine is. We have that in common, Nash. We got a second chance. Okay, technically I was on my third chance, but then, technically, I was dead.
I took a deep breath I didnt really need, then prepared to say what Id wanted to say to him for more than a month. Id imagined this moment a million times, but now that it had come, I was suddenly unsure of the words. And of my right to say them. But someone had to.
I dont want to put any additional pressure on you or anything, but if you ask me, second chances come with a responsibility. Thats what I believed about my own second chance, anyway. The responsibility to earn the extra time youve been given. And to enjoy it. To live with and for everyone you love. To fight harder and longer than anyone else, because you owe it to your brother and I owe it to my mother to make sure that their deaths mean something.
Nash blinked, and when the motion in his irises slowed, I knew he was thinking. He was truly considering what I was saying and its relevance to him. Thats what youre doing? Thats why you always jump in headfirst whenever anyones in trouble, whether they want your help or not? Whether they deserve it or not?
I crossed my arms over my chest and let my rolling chair rotate a little. I dont do that.
Thats all you ever do. Its who you are. And I think Im starting to understand why.The motion in his irises slowed even more, greens spreading into browns to make that hazel shade I knew so well. You think you have to earn your place in the world.
I think we should all earn our place in the world. Especially people like me and you, who keep getting our friends and family hurt, whether we mean to or not. I was afraid he would take that the wrong way, but he only nodded, like he might actually eventually agree. We owe the world something. We owe the world everything.
Nash stared at me like he hadnt in a long time. Studying me, like he might be figuring me out. Youre something else, Kaylee. Im not sure exactly what that means, but Im sure its true.
Yeah, you, too. Youre something special, Nash. And he could be something great if hed stop looking at life as a challenge to be conquered rather than an opportunity to be seized.
So, now what? He sat up straight and glanced at the room around us as if he no longer recognized it. As if what hed learned had changed the way he saw everything, and a little spark of anticipation shot through me. I hadnt seen him look like thatlike he was ready for a challengein months.
Now, you take a few minutes to process all this, then come out and have dinner. No one else knows about any of this, and I need you to keep it quiet until Ive had a chance to tell Tod that I told you. But were going to get your mom back. Were going to get them all back, and thats going to be much easier if were all fighting on the same side. If we all trust one another. If we can all count on one another. Okay?
Nash nodded, still kind of dazed, and I stood to give him some time to himself.
When youre ready, theres food in the kitchen.
When I got there, Em, Luca, and Sophie were nearly finished eating, but Tod and Sabine werent back yet. I scooped some noodles onto a plate for myself, but somehow I had even less appetite than usual. Id just finished picking all the slivers of carrot from my meal and was about to check on Nash again when Tod suddenly appeared in the living room with Sabine in his arms.
She was unconscious, her head, arms, and legs hanging limp.
Someone help me with her! He kicked the coffee table out of the way and laid the mara on the couch. Chairs scratched the kitchen floor as we all stood at once. Nash made it into the living room at the same time I didhe must have flown down the hall. He shoved the coffee table over even farther and knelt on the floor next to the couch, brushing dark hair back from his girlfriends forehead.
What the hell happened? he demanded as Sophie and Emma sank onto the coffee table where they could see and Luca stood behind them, watching. Waiting to see how he could help.
But he didnt graduate. He didnt go to college. He didnt even get a senior year of high school. He gave those to me instead, and what did I do with them?
My heart hurt for him. Nash, dont
I wasted them. He paid for my future with his own life, and I threw it all away, like it was worth nothing, when the truth is that it was worth everything.
You didnt waste it. You
I wasted it. Nash shook his head slowly, and his gaze lost focus. All this time I wanted him to move on. No, I wanted him to go away. I thought he took the job as a reaper because he wasnt ready to leave. I thought he was hanging around because he hated me or was jealous of my life. Or wanted to take away the things I care about.
Like me. He didnt say it, but we both heard it.
But the truth is... Nash stopped and looked at me again, like he didnt know how to finish his sentence. I...I dont really know what to do with this information, Kaylee. I dont know how to process it. Im not supposed to be here. I feel like the past two and a half years of my life have been a lie.
No, your life isnt a lie, and it never has been. Your life is an opportunity. A gift. Just like mine is. We have that in common, Nash. We got a second chance. Okay, technically I was on my third chance, but then, technically, I was dead.
I took a deep breath I didnt really need, then prepared to say what Id wanted to say to him for more than a month. Id imagined this moment a million times, but now that it had come, I was suddenly unsure of the words. And of my right to say them. But someone had to.
I dont want to put any additional pressure on you or anything, but if you ask me, second chances come with a responsibility. Thats what I believed about my own second chance, anyway. The responsibility to earn the extra time youve been given. And to enjoy it. To live with and for everyone you love. To fight harder and longer than anyone else, because you owe it to your brother and I owe it to my mother to make sure that their deaths mean something.
Nash blinked, and when the motion in his irises slowed, I knew he was thinking. He was truly considering what I was saying and its relevance to him. Thats what youre doing? Thats why you always jump in headfirst whenever anyones in trouble, whether they want your help or not? Whether they deserve it or not?
I crossed my arms over my chest and let my rolling chair rotate a little. I dont do that.
Thats all you ever do. Its who you are. And I think Im starting to understand why.The motion in his irises slowed even more, greens spreading into browns to make that hazel shade I knew so well. You think you have to earn your place in the world.
I think we should all earn our place in the world. Especially people like me and you, who keep getting our friends and family hurt, whether we mean to or not. I was afraid he would take that the wrong way, but he only nodded, like he might actually eventually agree. We owe the world something. We owe the world everything.
Nash stared at me like he hadnt in a long time. Studying me, like he might be figuring me out. Youre something else, Kaylee. Im not sure exactly what that means, but Im sure its true.
Yeah, you, too. Youre something special, Nash. And he could be something great if hed stop looking at life as a challenge to be conquered rather than an opportunity to be seized.
So, now what? He sat up straight and glanced at the room around us as if he no longer recognized it. As if what hed learned had changed the way he saw everything, and a little spark of anticipation shot through me. I hadnt seen him look like thatlike he was ready for a challengein months.
Now, you take a few minutes to process all this, then come out and have dinner. No one else knows about any of this, and I need you to keep it quiet until Ive had a chance to tell Tod that I told you. But were going to get your mom back. Were going to get them all back, and thats going to be much easier if were all fighting on the same side. If we all trust one another. If we can all count on one another. Okay?
Nash nodded, still kind of dazed, and I stood to give him some time to himself.
When youre ready, theres food in the kitchen.
When I got there, Em, Luca, and Sophie were nearly finished eating, but Tod and Sabine werent back yet. I scooped some noodles onto a plate for myself, but somehow I had even less appetite than usual. Id just finished picking all the slivers of carrot from my meal and was about to check on Nash again when Tod suddenly appeared in the living room with Sabine in his arms.
She was unconscious, her head, arms, and legs hanging limp.
Someone help me with her! He kicked the coffee table out of the way and laid the mara on the couch. Chairs scratched the kitchen floor as we all stood at once. Nash made it into the living room at the same time I didhe must have flown down the hall. He shoved the coffee table over even farther and knelt on the floor next to the couch, brushing dark hair back from his girlfriends forehead.
What the hell happened? he demanded as Sophie and Emma sank onto the coffee table where they could see and Luca stood behind them, watching. Waiting to see how he could help.
