All I Want
Page 44
The tension in my body settles at the base of my neck. Reaching back, I rub out the knot that’s forming. “You know, there was a time last year when Mia wanted nothing to do with you. But she was yours, and there wasn’t a damn thing anyone could do about that.” He nods once, leaning back a little. “You think it’s any different for me? You think just because I don’t make a fucking announcement at Rocky Point that Tessa isn’t mine? Maybe I’m not as honest about my feelings as you always were with Mia, but that doesn’t change the fact that being around your sister makes it hard for me to fucking breathe.” I open the driver’s side door and toss the sweatshirt on the seat. “I’m going tonight. I don’t give a shit if it’s a good idea or not, and you know damn well if this was last summer, and it was something involving Mia, nothing would’ve stopped you from going.” I lift my eyes to him just in time to catch the smirk twist across his mouth. “What?” I ask, one hand gripping the door while the other flattens on the roof.
He laughs before opening his car door. “Now I really don’t think you should go.”
“Why not?”
“Because I know exactly what I would’ve done last summer, and it would’ve been you pulling me off whoever Mia showed up with.” A look of understanding passes between us before he seems to realize how pointless this lecture is. He runs a hand down his face. “You know this is your own damn fault, right?” He waits until I look up before he continues. “Either let her in or let her go. This in-between shit isn’t fair to her.”
He gets into the car while I stare blankly across the roof. The tension that had settled at the base of my neck is now coiling between my shoulder blades, tightening into an unforgiving knot. My muscles begin to feel stressed as I think about how tonight is going to play out. I don’t handle jealousy well, and I know my first reaction to seeing Tessa with another guy is going to be me tearing her away from him. Maybe I can try something different; give her some piece of me to distract her from grinding salt into the wound in the center of my chest. Show her how fucking good this is, how good it always used to be before she decided it wasn’t enough.
Let her in or let her go.
Neither one of those options work for me. So this has to.
***
We drop the mouthy prick off at the detention center before heading to the precinct to finish up some paperwork. I drop my ticket book on my desk and catch the blinking light on my phone, indicating a voice message.
“You want some coffee?” Ben asks as I take a seat.
I look up at him after entering the voicemail code. “Yeah, thanks.” Leaning back in the chair, I press the receiver to my ear and wait for the message to begin playing.
“Evans, this is Captain Kennedy. I spoke with Meyers the other day and he told me he offered the detective position to you I have available. Just wanted to see where your head is at in all this. I’m hoping to get a decision out of you soon, otherwise I’m going to have to offer it to somebody else. I heard Jacobs is also interested. Call me when you get a minute.”
The message ends, and I grip the receiver harder.
Fuck. The job. I forgot all about it. Last week I was ready to leave Ruxton and every memory I have of it without hesitating. I don’t want to deal with my father’s shit anymore. Who knows if he’ll even take the doctor’s advice and seek help to sober up? Failing liver or not, he loves his drink, and like he said, it’s the only thing that helps take his mind off my mom. I’ve made it clear to him that I’m not bailing him out anymore, and if he gets arrested for anything, I’m letting it happen. But I know that won’t stop the phone calls from coming.
And Tessa, that’s a whole other issue. I’ve let go of all the anger I had last week that made this decision easy. The anger that had me wanting to put more distance in between us, because being in the same town wasn’t doing me any good. But now I no longer feel anything besides the one emotion she’s always evoked from me, and I don’t need to ask myself if I could leave Tessa, because I already know the answer to that.
A beep rings through the phone, leading me to the next message.
“Yeah, it’s me.” My dad clears his throat, masking the incessant beeping of the machine he’s hooked up to. I can’t remember the last time he called me, and I don’t think he’s ever called my direct line at work before. I didn’t even know he had that number.
“I just wanted to tell ya I’m thinking of putting the house up for sale. I need the money. This shit isn’t cheap, and…”
I delete the rest of the message before slamming the phone down.
Un-fucking-believable.
He’s out of money. That asshole has already burned through my mom’s life insurance policy with his habit. Why else would he need to sell the house? I never knew how much money he got from her death. I never saw any of it, but it seemed to be enough to keep him from working. Not that he’d be able to hold a steady job, being intoxicated twenty-four hours a day. But now that money must be gone. All of it, and he’s going to sell the biggest memory I have of her to keep up with his habit.
I guess he’s made his decision. Not even a death wish will stop him from drinking.
“What’s up?”
I raise my head to Ben’s voice before leaning back in my chair. He places the paper cup down in front of me and walks behind his desk.
“Nothing,” I reply after taking a sip, letting my eyes lose focus amongst the papers in front of me. Several minutes of silence pass between us before Ben begins typing on his keyboard. I pull the coin out of my front pocket and begin turning it over in my hand, studying the words on the one side.
The typing stops, then more silence, before he speaks. “How long is he going to be in the hospital for?”
“The doctor told me just a few days. They are waiting for some tests results to come back before they release him.” I run my thumb along the triangle in the center of the coin. “Like anything else is going to make a difference.”
“What do you mean?”
I nod toward the phone on my desk. “He’s made up his mind. He told me yesterday in the hospital that he can’t stop drinking, and now he just told me he’s going to sell his house ’cause he’s out of money. Can you believe that?” I look over at Ben, propping my ankle up on my knee. “That asshole is actually going to sell the house he shared with my mom, just so he can pay for his booze.”
“He’s not worried he could die if he keeps it up?”
“You kidding? He thinks it’s funny.”
Ben shakes his head before tipping back his paper cup. He swallows before continuing. “I’m sorry, man. At least if you take that job, you won’t have to be around to watch him kill himself.”
“I don’t know if I’m going to take it.” I watch as he sets the cup down on his desk and turns his body completely toward me, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “What?” I ask at the sudden undivided attention.
He tilts his head. “You wanna know what I think you should do?”
“I don’t know why you’re asking me, ’cause you’re going to tell me anyway.”
His face hardens. “Fuck you. I was going to say I don’t think you should go.”
He laughs before opening his car door. “Now I really don’t think you should go.”
“Why not?”
“Because I know exactly what I would’ve done last summer, and it would’ve been you pulling me off whoever Mia showed up with.” A look of understanding passes between us before he seems to realize how pointless this lecture is. He runs a hand down his face. “You know this is your own damn fault, right?” He waits until I look up before he continues. “Either let her in or let her go. This in-between shit isn’t fair to her.”
He gets into the car while I stare blankly across the roof. The tension that had settled at the base of my neck is now coiling between my shoulder blades, tightening into an unforgiving knot. My muscles begin to feel stressed as I think about how tonight is going to play out. I don’t handle jealousy well, and I know my first reaction to seeing Tessa with another guy is going to be me tearing her away from him. Maybe I can try something different; give her some piece of me to distract her from grinding salt into the wound in the center of my chest. Show her how fucking good this is, how good it always used to be before she decided it wasn’t enough.
Let her in or let her go.
Neither one of those options work for me. So this has to.
***
We drop the mouthy prick off at the detention center before heading to the precinct to finish up some paperwork. I drop my ticket book on my desk and catch the blinking light on my phone, indicating a voice message.
“You want some coffee?” Ben asks as I take a seat.
I look up at him after entering the voicemail code. “Yeah, thanks.” Leaning back in the chair, I press the receiver to my ear and wait for the message to begin playing.
“Evans, this is Captain Kennedy. I spoke with Meyers the other day and he told me he offered the detective position to you I have available. Just wanted to see where your head is at in all this. I’m hoping to get a decision out of you soon, otherwise I’m going to have to offer it to somebody else. I heard Jacobs is also interested. Call me when you get a minute.”
The message ends, and I grip the receiver harder.
Fuck. The job. I forgot all about it. Last week I was ready to leave Ruxton and every memory I have of it without hesitating. I don’t want to deal with my father’s shit anymore. Who knows if he’ll even take the doctor’s advice and seek help to sober up? Failing liver or not, he loves his drink, and like he said, it’s the only thing that helps take his mind off my mom. I’ve made it clear to him that I’m not bailing him out anymore, and if he gets arrested for anything, I’m letting it happen. But I know that won’t stop the phone calls from coming.
And Tessa, that’s a whole other issue. I’ve let go of all the anger I had last week that made this decision easy. The anger that had me wanting to put more distance in between us, because being in the same town wasn’t doing me any good. But now I no longer feel anything besides the one emotion she’s always evoked from me, and I don’t need to ask myself if I could leave Tessa, because I already know the answer to that.
A beep rings through the phone, leading me to the next message.
“Yeah, it’s me.” My dad clears his throat, masking the incessant beeping of the machine he’s hooked up to. I can’t remember the last time he called me, and I don’t think he’s ever called my direct line at work before. I didn’t even know he had that number.
“I just wanted to tell ya I’m thinking of putting the house up for sale. I need the money. This shit isn’t cheap, and…”
I delete the rest of the message before slamming the phone down.
Un-fucking-believable.
He’s out of money. That asshole has already burned through my mom’s life insurance policy with his habit. Why else would he need to sell the house? I never knew how much money he got from her death. I never saw any of it, but it seemed to be enough to keep him from working. Not that he’d be able to hold a steady job, being intoxicated twenty-four hours a day. But now that money must be gone. All of it, and he’s going to sell the biggest memory I have of her to keep up with his habit.
I guess he’s made his decision. Not even a death wish will stop him from drinking.
“What’s up?”
I raise my head to Ben’s voice before leaning back in my chair. He places the paper cup down in front of me and walks behind his desk.
“Nothing,” I reply after taking a sip, letting my eyes lose focus amongst the papers in front of me. Several minutes of silence pass between us before Ben begins typing on his keyboard. I pull the coin out of my front pocket and begin turning it over in my hand, studying the words on the one side.
The typing stops, then more silence, before he speaks. “How long is he going to be in the hospital for?”
“The doctor told me just a few days. They are waiting for some tests results to come back before they release him.” I run my thumb along the triangle in the center of the coin. “Like anything else is going to make a difference.”
“What do you mean?”
I nod toward the phone on my desk. “He’s made up his mind. He told me yesterday in the hospital that he can’t stop drinking, and now he just told me he’s going to sell his house ’cause he’s out of money. Can you believe that?” I look over at Ben, propping my ankle up on my knee. “That asshole is actually going to sell the house he shared with my mom, just so he can pay for his booze.”
“He’s not worried he could die if he keeps it up?”
“You kidding? He thinks it’s funny.”
Ben shakes his head before tipping back his paper cup. He swallows before continuing. “I’m sorry, man. At least if you take that job, you won’t have to be around to watch him kill himself.”
“I don’t know if I’m going to take it.” I watch as he sets the cup down on his desk and turns his body completely toward me, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “What?” I ask at the sudden undivided attention.
He tilts his head. “You wanna know what I think you should do?”
“I don’t know why you’re asking me, ’cause you’re going to tell me anyway.”
His face hardens. “Fuck you. I was going to say I don’t think you should go.”
