Chasing Impossible
Page 57
Date: September 30
I’m pretending we’re back on the hill watching the stars. I wish I was there and not here.
I miss her.
I miss you.
Maybe I made a mistake.
To: Abby
From: Logan
Re: Clothes
Date: October 1
Abby,
I’m going to say it again, you didn’t make a mistake. Your Grams would have wanted you to have a decent life. This is your best shot at it. Trust me, Abby—it’s not a mistake.
Rachel bought a black dress and shoes for you. Me, Mac, and Isaiah will meet you at the detention center and they said you can change there before we head to the funeral. They’re only giving us five hours before you have to be back, but we’ll make it work.
I’ll see you soon,
Logan
To: Logan
From: Abby
I’m still alive
Date: October 15
Logan,
Sorry, I sort of lost my email privileges for a while. I did something stupid. I was just mad and sad and I broke some things. I just miss Grams. I just miss you. I just miss everyone and seeing everyone at the funeral made it a million times worse to return.
The days are going by so slowly. Six months never seemed so long.
Don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid again.
Tell Noah thanks for the shrink. No, really, thank him for me. He’ll think I’m being sarcastic, but I like her. She listens to my stories. All of them. The ones I make up. The ones I don’t. She even laughs at all the right places and it’s not a fake laugh, but a real one.
She even likes to talk about what I think aliens would look like. People who play along are cool. She’s sort of cool, but she’s starting to ask about my mom and I’m not sure I want to talk to her about that yet. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t, but I like that she’s okay when I don’t.
Sleeping is tough and it’s tougher to get through this without good sleep. Sort of hard for me to close my eyes and trust that everything is okay. I lie awake for hours and stare at the ceiling. Thinking about Grams, Dad, you, my past and future choices. I miss sleeping. First thing I want to do when I get out of here is sleep.
I still love you,
Abby
To: Abby
From: Logan
Re: I’m still alive
Date: October 15
Abby,
God, it’s good to hear from you. I never lost faith in you, though. I knew I would hear from you. Knew you’d figure yourself out. It all goes back to having faith in you like you have faith in me. I don’t have to see you to know you care. You don’t I have to see me to know that I love you.
Noah sent in Mrs. Collins when we all stopped receiving emails. She’s a social worker he knows and he just wanted to see if she could find something out. He didn’t know she would actually talk to you. He says good things about her. So do a lot of other people. They trust her so I think you can, too.
Let’s go for fifty brand-new things. Losing pisses me off.
I still love you, too.
Logan
Abby
“What do you think?” I hold up the plastic ornament I painted and Mrs. Collins purses her lips together. Today’s December 23 and Logan told me he plans on visiting tomorrow. “It’s my Christmas present to Logan. Considering my gift-giving options are limited, this is all I’ve got.”
“It looks good,” she says, taking in the glob of red and brown that’s supposed to be a reindeer-bunny hybrid. Mrs. Collins is blonde, is one of those naturally perky people, and she has killer taste in bands according to her T-shirt collection.
“I think you’re full of shit. I’m definitely not a painter or ornament maker.”
“I have a client who would tell you that art is in the eye of the beholder.” Mrs. Collins sits in the couch across from me in the private therapy room.
I’m lying on my couch because that’s what people do on TV when they see a shrink. She explained I didn’t have to do that, but I told her I wanted the full-on experience.
I rest the ornament on the table and link my fingers over my stomach and stare at the ceiling. “I’m betting that client is Echo, and she can say that because she’s insanely talented in art. Trust me, I’m not a painter.”
Noah proposed to Echo before she left for Colorado and she accepted...without a diamond ring. I won’t lie—I feel guilty about that, but Noah told me not to worry. He emailed me with the news and said that Echo’s cool waiting on a ring. Said she was just fine with him asking. I’ve seen the two of them together and I believe him. Echo doesn’t care about stuff like that.
“So if you aren’t a painter, what are you?” Mrs. Collins asks.
Logan and I tore through fifty new things through October and November and we’ve started on number one hundred. “I like baking. Thanks by the way. For helping me get into those classes.”
That volunteer, it turns out, visits once a week, and through Mrs. Collins I’m baking every Thursday.
“There’s a culinary school here in Louisville that you might want to check out. I can find you an application if you want.”
I’m silent as I stare at the ceiling and finally work up the courage to ask. “Will they consider me since I’m a convicted drug dealer and have spent the past few months in a detention center? I know my records will be sealed since I’m a minor, but won’t they figure out I was here?”
Mrs. Collins shifts and I sit up. This chick is rock solid on body language and when she does anything out of the ordinary, it means Mars is about to collide with Earth.
“What?” I ask.
“I know you made certain demands with your arrest.”
“Uh-huh.” Don’t liking where this is headed.
“You’ve been a model inmate, Abby.”
“I broke things.”
“Because you lost your grandmother and you were grieving. Everyone knows this.”
I’m immediately shaking my head. “No one is allowed to put me up for early release. Give it to my roommate. She could solve the drought in the West with the amount of tears this chick has shed.” I place a hand on my chest. “And I lost my grandmother. What does that say?”
“You’ve used the resources here wisely. The staff all sees how you’re working to improve yourself.”
“Yep. Improve. So I need to stay and improve some more.”
“What are you scared about with leaving here?”
“Nothing.” I stand and begin to pace, thinking of Logan when he’s angry.
Mrs. Collins is watching me. A damn hawk on a mouse and I’m aware I need to rein in the body language, but this was not part of the plan.
“Something frightens you about leaving? What is it?”
I halt and turn to her. “I can’t do a shitty foster home. I’m capable of a lot. I can possibly survive zombie apocalypses, but I cannot do a shitty foster home. My dad did not make the sacrifices he did so I could be treated like shit.”
Mrs. Collins nods because we’ve talked about my dad and my mom and that’s only because Noah confirmed everything I said would always stay private.
“What if I told you you’ll be in a good home? One I’ve checked out myself.”
“I’ll tell you my luck isn’t that good and anyone is capable of faking anything for a half hour. Keep me in here.”
Mrs. Collins closes the folder on her lap and leans forward. “It’s already been decided. The city needs the room for inmates that need to be in here and you’re not one of those people.”
“Aw, hell no,” I roar. “I trusted this freaking system to help me out.”
“There’s a lot of requirements,” she continues like I’m not throwing a fit like a two-year-old. “You’ll still continue to see me. You’ll have to check in often with your social worker.”
“No!” I stomp my foot.
“It doesn’t matter, Abby. It’s done. This was your exit interview and you’re leaving for your new foster home today.”
I collapse back to the couch and feel like the world just swallowed me whole.
“Look on the bright side,” she says. “You’ll be with your friends again.”
I sigh in defeat and try to think of a way to get ahold of a cell phone fast. Leaving here was not the plan, but maybe this home will be one of those like Isaiah and Noah’s and won’t care where I actually live. West, Isaiah, and another friend of theirs have an apartment. I bet they’ll let me crash.
* * *
Mrs. Collins has a nice car and she drives too fast, especially for someone who doesn’t care to get where they are going in a hurry. She takes a right when I expected her to take a left and I glance around.
She peeks at me from the corner of her eye. “You know this area?”
“Rachel lives around here.” That will make bailing quick easier if the place is awful. If Mrs. Collins isn’t lying and the place is halfway decent then it will make visiting her a cinch.
“I should warn you, this family is very particular. They have certain expectations of their children and will expect you to follow suit.”
Great. Control freaks. “You realize I met Isaiah when he was riffling through a Dumpster, right? That was when he was in a foster home.”
Those rare brief storm clouds. “Yes, you’ve told me this before.”
I’m pretending we’re back on the hill watching the stars. I wish I was there and not here.
I miss her.
I miss you.
Maybe I made a mistake.
To: Abby
From: Logan
Re: Clothes
Date: October 1
Abby,
I’m going to say it again, you didn’t make a mistake. Your Grams would have wanted you to have a decent life. This is your best shot at it. Trust me, Abby—it’s not a mistake.
Rachel bought a black dress and shoes for you. Me, Mac, and Isaiah will meet you at the detention center and they said you can change there before we head to the funeral. They’re only giving us five hours before you have to be back, but we’ll make it work.
I’ll see you soon,
Logan
To: Logan
From: Abby
I’m still alive
Date: October 15
Logan,
Sorry, I sort of lost my email privileges for a while. I did something stupid. I was just mad and sad and I broke some things. I just miss Grams. I just miss you. I just miss everyone and seeing everyone at the funeral made it a million times worse to return.
The days are going by so slowly. Six months never seemed so long.
Don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid again.
Tell Noah thanks for the shrink. No, really, thank him for me. He’ll think I’m being sarcastic, but I like her. She listens to my stories. All of them. The ones I make up. The ones I don’t. She even laughs at all the right places and it’s not a fake laugh, but a real one.
She even likes to talk about what I think aliens would look like. People who play along are cool. She’s sort of cool, but she’s starting to ask about my mom and I’m not sure I want to talk to her about that yet. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t, but I like that she’s okay when I don’t.
Sleeping is tough and it’s tougher to get through this without good sleep. Sort of hard for me to close my eyes and trust that everything is okay. I lie awake for hours and stare at the ceiling. Thinking about Grams, Dad, you, my past and future choices. I miss sleeping. First thing I want to do when I get out of here is sleep.
I still love you,
Abby
To: Abby
From: Logan
Re: I’m still alive
Date: October 15
Abby,
God, it’s good to hear from you. I never lost faith in you, though. I knew I would hear from you. Knew you’d figure yourself out. It all goes back to having faith in you like you have faith in me. I don’t have to see you to know you care. You don’t I have to see me to know that I love you.
Noah sent in Mrs. Collins when we all stopped receiving emails. She’s a social worker he knows and he just wanted to see if she could find something out. He didn’t know she would actually talk to you. He says good things about her. So do a lot of other people. They trust her so I think you can, too.
Let’s go for fifty brand-new things. Losing pisses me off.
I still love you, too.
Logan
Abby
“What do you think?” I hold up the plastic ornament I painted and Mrs. Collins purses her lips together. Today’s December 23 and Logan told me he plans on visiting tomorrow. “It’s my Christmas present to Logan. Considering my gift-giving options are limited, this is all I’ve got.”
“It looks good,” she says, taking in the glob of red and brown that’s supposed to be a reindeer-bunny hybrid. Mrs. Collins is blonde, is one of those naturally perky people, and she has killer taste in bands according to her T-shirt collection.
“I think you’re full of shit. I’m definitely not a painter or ornament maker.”
“I have a client who would tell you that art is in the eye of the beholder.” Mrs. Collins sits in the couch across from me in the private therapy room.
I’m lying on my couch because that’s what people do on TV when they see a shrink. She explained I didn’t have to do that, but I told her I wanted the full-on experience.
I rest the ornament on the table and link my fingers over my stomach and stare at the ceiling. “I’m betting that client is Echo, and she can say that because she’s insanely talented in art. Trust me, I’m not a painter.”
Noah proposed to Echo before she left for Colorado and she accepted...without a diamond ring. I won’t lie—I feel guilty about that, but Noah told me not to worry. He emailed me with the news and said that Echo’s cool waiting on a ring. Said she was just fine with him asking. I’ve seen the two of them together and I believe him. Echo doesn’t care about stuff like that.
“So if you aren’t a painter, what are you?” Mrs. Collins asks.
Logan and I tore through fifty new things through October and November and we’ve started on number one hundred. “I like baking. Thanks by the way. For helping me get into those classes.”
That volunteer, it turns out, visits once a week, and through Mrs. Collins I’m baking every Thursday.
“There’s a culinary school here in Louisville that you might want to check out. I can find you an application if you want.”
I’m silent as I stare at the ceiling and finally work up the courage to ask. “Will they consider me since I’m a convicted drug dealer and have spent the past few months in a detention center? I know my records will be sealed since I’m a minor, but won’t they figure out I was here?”
Mrs. Collins shifts and I sit up. This chick is rock solid on body language and when she does anything out of the ordinary, it means Mars is about to collide with Earth.
“What?” I ask.
“I know you made certain demands with your arrest.”
“Uh-huh.” Don’t liking where this is headed.
“You’ve been a model inmate, Abby.”
“I broke things.”
“Because you lost your grandmother and you were grieving. Everyone knows this.”
I’m immediately shaking my head. “No one is allowed to put me up for early release. Give it to my roommate. She could solve the drought in the West with the amount of tears this chick has shed.” I place a hand on my chest. “And I lost my grandmother. What does that say?”
“You’ve used the resources here wisely. The staff all sees how you’re working to improve yourself.”
“Yep. Improve. So I need to stay and improve some more.”
“What are you scared about with leaving here?”
“Nothing.” I stand and begin to pace, thinking of Logan when he’s angry.
Mrs. Collins is watching me. A damn hawk on a mouse and I’m aware I need to rein in the body language, but this was not part of the plan.
“Something frightens you about leaving? What is it?”
I halt and turn to her. “I can’t do a shitty foster home. I’m capable of a lot. I can possibly survive zombie apocalypses, but I cannot do a shitty foster home. My dad did not make the sacrifices he did so I could be treated like shit.”
Mrs. Collins nods because we’ve talked about my dad and my mom and that’s only because Noah confirmed everything I said would always stay private.
“What if I told you you’ll be in a good home? One I’ve checked out myself.”
“I’ll tell you my luck isn’t that good and anyone is capable of faking anything for a half hour. Keep me in here.”
Mrs. Collins closes the folder on her lap and leans forward. “It’s already been decided. The city needs the room for inmates that need to be in here and you’re not one of those people.”
“Aw, hell no,” I roar. “I trusted this freaking system to help me out.”
“There’s a lot of requirements,” she continues like I’m not throwing a fit like a two-year-old. “You’ll still continue to see me. You’ll have to check in often with your social worker.”
“No!” I stomp my foot.
“It doesn’t matter, Abby. It’s done. This was your exit interview and you’re leaving for your new foster home today.”
I collapse back to the couch and feel like the world just swallowed me whole.
“Look on the bright side,” she says. “You’ll be with your friends again.”
I sigh in defeat and try to think of a way to get ahold of a cell phone fast. Leaving here was not the plan, but maybe this home will be one of those like Isaiah and Noah’s and won’t care where I actually live. West, Isaiah, and another friend of theirs have an apartment. I bet they’ll let me crash.
* * *
Mrs. Collins has a nice car and she drives too fast, especially for someone who doesn’t care to get where they are going in a hurry. She takes a right when I expected her to take a left and I glance around.
She peeks at me from the corner of her eye. “You know this area?”
“Rachel lives around here.” That will make bailing quick easier if the place is awful. If Mrs. Collins isn’t lying and the place is halfway decent then it will make visiting her a cinch.
“I should warn you, this family is very particular. They have certain expectations of their children and will expect you to follow suit.”
Great. Control freaks. “You realize I met Isaiah when he was riffling through a Dumpster, right? That was when he was in a foster home.”
Those rare brief storm clouds. “Yes, you’ve told me this before.”
