Desertion
Page 77
“I don’t want to think about it, Holly,” I whisper, keeping my mind off what might have happened.
“Bell! Sweetheart,” Jesse shouts out from the hall.
“Stay the fuck back, Jesse. Let me check on her first,” Sy orders, coming to stand in the doorway before Jesse can enter.
“Fuck off, Sy. I’m not going to hurt her.” He continues to argue, but Sy doesn’t relent.
“Didn’t look like it when I stormed in. You had your fucking hands around her neck and she was seconds away from passing out,” Sy delivers the blow, taking me back to the bed and the darkness closing in.
“Fuck!” Jesse shouts, delivering a punch to the wall next to Sy.
“You need to calm the fuck down, brother. I’m not letting you in till I speak with her, you feel me?” Jesse doesn’t reply right away, but after a few minutes, he agrees and heads back out to the main room waiting for Sy.
“You okay, Bell?” Sy moves to stand in front of me. He drops to a squat and reaches out to inspect my neck. I flinch at the movement. I know Sy would never hurt me, but my reasoning doesn’t want to trust him.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” he reassures me. Forcing myself to relax, I nod, letting him inspect my neck.
“How does it feel to swallow?” He turns my neck from side to side.
“It’s tender,” I croak, testing it out.
“You wanna tell me what the fuck happened?”
“He was dreaming. I reached over and tried to wake him up. I wasn’t thinking properly. I just wanted to wake him… With everything that happened today…” I shake my head. “He reached out, got a hold of me and I couldn’t fight it.” Sy’s eyes darken as I fill in the blanks. His lips press together and the vein on the side of his temple pulses. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have touched him. I know this,” I defend him but it only serves to piss Sy off further.
“This isn’t your fault, Bell. Don’t even go there.” He points a look at me that says don’t say it.
“What do you wanna do? You want me to take you home, or tell Jesse to get the fuck out of here?” Sy stands and gets some more ice from the freezer
“Can I see him?” I ask, needing to show Jesse I’m okay. He stops and looks back over.
“Whatever you want, Bell. But I’m not leaving you alone.”
“Jesse won’t hurt me on purpose, guys.” I look between Holly and Sy needing them to understand.
“Not budging on it.” He hands me a better packed cloth and tells me to keep icing. “I’ll go get him.” He moves to leave, but on cue, Jesse walks in.
“I’m here, fucker.” Jesse nudges Sy out of the way and kneels down in front of me. “Fuck, sweetheart. I didn’t know. I didn’t know,” he repeats, moving his hands to my face and slightly turning it to see the damage. “I would never hurt you, baby.” He looks so torn up, my heart is breaking for him.
“It’s okay, Jesse. I know. It was an accident. I’m fine.” I push down the memories of him choking me and focus on reassuring him.
“You’re not fucking fine, my goddamn fingers are imprinted in your fucking neck!” he shouts, causing me to recoil.
“You’re scaring her, Jesse.” Holly steps in close, but I shake my head. Jesse’s only reacting to his fear. I know he would never hurt me.
“It was an accident, Jesse. I know that.” I take his hands in mine and hold them to my face. “I’m okay.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I fucked up.” He drops his head and I want to take his anguish away, but I don’t know how.
“Jesse, everything is okay. It was just a dream,” I plead as he starts to pull away.
“Bell.” He stands to full height and the agony I hear in my name says it all. “Sy will take you home. You’re better off not being around me right now.” He moves ready to leave.
“No, I don’t wanna go. Don’t make me go. I’ll sleep on the sofa.” I try to bargain and beg, anything to stop him from pushing me away.
“Fine, stay. But I’m going and you need to be gone in the morning.” He stops, turns and looks down at me. The man I’ve fallen in love with stares vacantly. I want to scream out, tell him I need him and beg him to come back.
“So that’s it, huh? You’re just going to walk?” I can’t keep the hurt out of my voice. The sting of rejection more painful than what his fingers did to my neck.
“I nearly fucking killed you, Bell. I had my fucking hands around your throat and was taking your life. I thought you were trying to kill me. You think I want that on me? I can’t even look at you.” He spins and I stand, not ready for this to end. We have something worth fighting for. I’m not going to let him give up on us.
“Don’t you dare walk out of this room, Jesse Carter. I won’t allow you to push me away.” The determination blazing through me fails to deliver when my voice cracks. I watch him cringe in pain hearing it. Knowing he did this to me is going to kill him. It’s going to kill us.
“You have no choice.” Dread weighs heavy on my heart when I hear the desolation in his voice.
“I don’t have a choice? We promised each other honesty, Jesse.”
“You want honesty? Fine. You’re not what I need and I’m not what you need.”
“You don’t know what I need, Jesse. I told you I would take you any way, even if this is all you can give me.”
“Bell! Sweetheart,” Jesse shouts out from the hall.
“Stay the fuck back, Jesse. Let me check on her first,” Sy orders, coming to stand in the doorway before Jesse can enter.
“Fuck off, Sy. I’m not going to hurt her.” He continues to argue, but Sy doesn’t relent.
“Didn’t look like it when I stormed in. You had your fucking hands around her neck and she was seconds away from passing out,” Sy delivers the blow, taking me back to the bed and the darkness closing in.
“Fuck!” Jesse shouts, delivering a punch to the wall next to Sy.
“You need to calm the fuck down, brother. I’m not letting you in till I speak with her, you feel me?” Jesse doesn’t reply right away, but after a few minutes, he agrees and heads back out to the main room waiting for Sy.
“You okay, Bell?” Sy moves to stand in front of me. He drops to a squat and reaches out to inspect my neck. I flinch at the movement. I know Sy would never hurt me, but my reasoning doesn’t want to trust him.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” he reassures me. Forcing myself to relax, I nod, letting him inspect my neck.
“How does it feel to swallow?” He turns my neck from side to side.
“It’s tender,” I croak, testing it out.
“You wanna tell me what the fuck happened?”
“He was dreaming. I reached over and tried to wake him up. I wasn’t thinking properly. I just wanted to wake him… With everything that happened today…” I shake my head. “He reached out, got a hold of me and I couldn’t fight it.” Sy’s eyes darken as I fill in the blanks. His lips press together and the vein on the side of his temple pulses. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have touched him. I know this,” I defend him but it only serves to piss Sy off further.
“This isn’t your fault, Bell. Don’t even go there.” He points a look at me that says don’t say it.
“What do you wanna do? You want me to take you home, or tell Jesse to get the fuck out of here?” Sy stands and gets some more ice from the freezer
“Can I see him?” I ask, needing to show Jesse I’m okay. He stops and looks back over.
“Whatever you want, Bell. But I’m not leaving you alone.”
“Jesse won’t hurt me on purpose, guys.” I look between Holly and Sy needing them to understand.
“Not budging on it.” He hands me a better packed cloth and tells me to keep icing. “I’ll go get him.” He moves to leave, but on cue, Jesse walks in.
“I’m here, fucker.” Jesse nudges Sy out of the way and kneels down in front of me. “Fuck, sweetheart. I didn’t know. I didn’t know,” he repeats, moving his hands to my face and slightly turning it to see the damage. “I would never hurt you, baby.” He looks so torn up, my heart is breaking for him.
“It’s okay, Jesse. I know. It was an accident. I’m fine.” I push down the memories of him choking me and focus on reassuring him.
“You’re not fucking fine, my goddamn fingers are imprinted in your fucking neck!” he shouts, causing me to recoil.
“You’re scaring her, Jesse.” Holly steps in close, but I shake my head. Jesse’s only reacting to his fear. I know he would never hurt me.
“It was an accident, Jesse. I know that.” I take his hands in mine and hold them to my face. “I’m okay.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I fucked up.” He drops his head and I want to take his anguish away, but I don’t know how.
“Jesse, everything is okay. It was just a dream,” I plead as he starts to pull away.
“Bell.” He stands to full height and the agony I hear in my name says it all. “Sy will take you home. You’re better off not being around me right now.” He moves ready to leave.
“No, I don’t wanna go. Don’t make me go. I’ll sleep on the sofa.” I try to bargain and beg, anything to stop him from pushing me away.
“Fine, stay. But I’m going and you need to be gone in the morning.” He stops, turns and looks down at me. The man I’ve fallen in love with stares vacantly. I want to scream out, tell him I need him and beg him to come back.
“So that’s it, huh? You’re just going to walk?” I can’t keep the hurt out of my voice. The sting of rejection more painful than what his fingers did to my neck.
“I nearly fucking killed you, Bell. I had my fucking hands around your throat and was taking your life. I thought you were trying to kill me. You think I want that on me? I can’t even look at you.” He spins and I stand, not ready for this to end. We have something worth fighting for. I’m not going to let him give up on us.
“Don’t you dare walk out of this room, Jesse Carter. I won’t allow you to push me away.” The determination blazing through me fails to deliver when my voice cracks. I watch him cringe in pain hearing it. Knowing he did this to me is going to kill him. It’s going to kill us.
“You have no choice.” Dread weighs heavy on my heart when I hear the desolation in his voice.
“I don’t have a choice? We promised each other honesty, Jesse.”
“You want honesty? Fine. You’re not what I need and I’m not what you need.”
“You don’t know what I need, Jesse. I told you I would take you any way, even if this is all you can give me.”
