Desertion
Page 78
“You don’t get it. You will never get it.”
“I do, you know I do.” I step forward needing his touch, anything to center me.
“Bell, look at you and look at me. I’m so fucked up and I don’t need your fucked up on me either.”
His words hit unexpectedly like running into a glass door unaware. Embarrassment and pain boils through me when I realize how desperate I must look. Pleading for his love when he’s never given it.
“My fucked up?” I repeat his words, keeping my eyes on him. Part of me knows he’s pushing me away the only way he knows how, and I understand that. But it doesn’t stop the hurt. “You think I’m fucked up, Jesse?”
“Sweetheart, you’re twenty-three years old. You let your parents tell you what to do. You’re so caught up in finding your sister, you put your own life at risk. You walked into this club, gave yourself to me, and you’re so goddamn innocent I don’t know how to handle it.”
“Jesse,” Holly starts but I block her out. I block everything out as the world around me slows for a second. His words echoing around me.
“My sister is alive. I’m not going to give up on her.” A deep line creases between his brows, an expression mixed with pain and determination.
“Yeah, well, maybe you should. Jesus, Bell, don’t you think it’s time to move on. She ain’t coming back.” My hand snakes out fast, slapping him across the face as hard as I can.
“Don’t you dare fucking speak of her like she is dead! You heard Nix, they have a lead.” I’ve never hit anyone in my life, but the burning pain in my palm does nothing to calm me as I stand face to face with the man I thought I was in love with.
“She’s probably long gone, sweetheart. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can move on, the sooner we can move on.”
“That’s enough. You’re both hurting right now. This isn’t the time or the place.” Sy steps in front of us, but Jesse isn’t done.
“Your family is what is holding you back, Bell. Can’t you see?” He begins to laugh and the need to slap him again tingles in my fingers, but I force it away. I don’t want to hurt him. I just want him to stop hurting me.
“All I see is hope, Jesse, and maybe you don’t get that. No, I know you don’t. You don’t understand a love like that, because you walk around thinking everything is about you. Everyone has done you wrong and you have no hand in anything. You have a family who wants to love you, but you make it so goddamn hard. You’re so fucked in the head you wrapped your hands around my neck and tried to kill me!” I snap my mouth shut as soon as the words spew out.
“Exactly,” he sighs, and it’s then I realize I just walked right into what he wanted. He played me.
“You know what? You’re right. You’re so messed up I feel sorry for you,” I whisper, knowing there is no saving us. We’re done. I can see it in his eyes. The way he’s shutting me out, I can’t save us.
“Don’t feel sorry for me, sweetheart. I deserve everything I get.” His tone drips in resentment. The need to go to him, and tell him not to be so hard on himself fades. He has done this to himself. He is the one who pushes everyone away. I’m done trying.
“You do deserve everything you get, Jesse. I never used to think you did, but standing here right now, I see it. You’re lonely because you want to be. You push everyone away ‘cause you’re scared. Scared they will see the man you have become. You’re scared of what loving me back means to you, so you’re going to push me away too.” I squeeze my eyes shut, swallowing past the pain.
“I do love you, Bell, but at what cost.” He points to my neck.
“This means nothing!” I point to my neck, but it doesn’t matter how hard I fight, it won’t change anything. Without another word, he turns and walks out, leaving me standing more alone than I’ve ever been in my life.
He breathed possibility into my life, showed me what I was missing, and in one night, he took it all away.
Thirty-One JESSE
“Carter, just let me go,” Conner pleads as I do my best to make a tourniquet on his leg with my belt. The barrage lifted a few minutes ago, leaving the smell of burnt flesh and death behind.
“We need a medic!” I shout, still waiting for the medevac.
“I don’t wanna live like this.” Conner keeps fighting, pushing me away as I release his belt to start on the second leg.
“Conner, Jefferies is gone. I’m not fucking losing you too. Do you hear me?”
“Incoming.” Wilcox the convoy leader finds his way into the Humvee to update us. “Medevac is two beats out,” he informs us with a nod.
“Roger,” I reply, then send a silent prayer that we get him out of here alive. The truth is, deep down, a part of me understands his plea. If I was in the same position, one leg blown off, and the other fucked up who knows how bad, I wouldn’t want to live either.
“What sort of fucking life is this? Just fucking kill me, just do it now, Carter. Please, just fucking end this for me.”
I wake with a jolt to the sound of Conner’s pleading.
Jesus fuck.
“You okay, Jesse?” my mom’s voice floats from across the room. I sit up realizing I’m not at home, but in my father’s hospital room. Shit, I must have drifted off.
“Err, yeah.” I rub at my face. “What’s the time?” I ask, looking over at my father. He hasn’t moved since I’ve been here, the machine next to him delivering enough pain relief to keep him from waking up to see me. What a waste of time.
“I do, you know I do.” I step forward needing his touch, anything to center me.
“Bell, look at you and look at me. I’m so fucked up and I don’t need your fucked up on me either.”
His words hit unexpectedly like running into a glass door unaware. Embarrassment and pain boils through me when I realize how desperate I must look. Pleading for his love when he’s never given it.
“My fucked up?” I repeat his words, keeping my eyes on him. Part of me knows he’s pushing me away the only way he knows how, and I understand that. But it doesn’t stop the hurt. “You think I’m fucked up, Jesse?”
“Sweetheart, you’re twenty-three years old. You let your parents tell you what to do. You’re so caught up in finding your sister, you put your own life at risk. You walked into this club, gave yourself to me, and you’re so goddamn innocent I don’t know how to handle it.”
“Jesse,” Holly starts but I block her out. I block everything out as the world around me slows for a second. His words echoing around me.
“My sister is alive. I’m not going to give up on her.” A deep line creases between his brows, an expression mixed with pain and determination.
“Yeah, well, maybe you should. Jesus, Bell, don’t you think it’s time to move on. She ain’t coming back.” My hand snakes out fast, slapping him across the face as hard as I can.
“Don’t you dare fucking speak of her like she is dead! You heard Nix, they have a lead.” I’ve never hit anyone in my life, but the burning pain in my palm does nothing to calm me as I stand face to face with the man I thought I was in love with.
“She’s probably long gone, sweetheart. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can move on, the sooner we can move on.”
“That’s enough. You’re both hurting right now. This isn’t the time or the place.” Sy steps in front of us, but Jesse isn’t done.
“Your family is what is holding you back, Bell. Can’t you see?” He begins to laugh and the need to slap him again tingles in my fingers, but I force it away. I don’t want to hurt him. I just want him to stop hurting me.
“All I see is hope, Jesse, and maybe you don’t get that. No, I know you don’t. You don’t understand a love like that, because you walk around thinking everything is about you. Everyone has done you wrong and you have no hand in anything. You have a family who wants to love you, but you make it so goddamn hard. You’re so fucked in the head you wrapped your hands around my neck and tried to kill me!” I snap my mouth shut as soon as the words spew out.
“Exactly,” he sighs, and it’s then I realize I just walked right into what he wanted. He played me.
“You know what? You’re right. You’re so messed up I feel sorry for you,” I whisper, knowing there is no saving us. We’re done. I can see it in his eyes. The way he’s shutting me out, I can’t save us.
“Don’t feel sorry for me, sweetheart. I deserve everything I get.” His tone drips in resentment. The need to go to him, and tell him not to be so hard on himself fades. He has done this to himself. He is the one who pushes everyone away. I’m done trying.
“You do deserve everything you get, Jesse. I never used to think you did, but standing here right now, I see it. You’re lonely because you want to be. You push everyone away ‘cause you’re scared. Scared they will see the man you have become. You’re scared of what loving me back means to you, so you’re going to push me away too.” I squeeze my eyes shut, swallowing past the pain.
“I do love you, Bell, but at what cost.” He points to my neck.
“This means nothing!” I point to my neck, but it doesn’t matter how hard I fight, it won’t change anything. Without another word, he turns and walks out, leaving me standing more alone than I’ve ever been in my life.
He breathed possibility into my life, showed me what I was missing, and in one night, he took it all away.
Thirty-One JESSE
“Carter, just let me go,” Conner pleads as I do my best to make a tourniquet on his leg with my belt. The barrage lifted a few minutes ago, leaving the smell of burnt flesh and death behind.
“We need a medic!” I shout, still waiting for the medevac.
“I don’t wanna live like this.” Conner keeps fighting, pushing me away as I release his belt to start on the second leg.
“Conner, Jefferies is gone. I’m not fucking losing you too. Do you hear me?”
“Incoming.” Wilcox the convoy leader finds his way into the Humvee to update us. “Medevac is two beats out,” he informs us with a nod.
“Roger,” I reply, then send a silent prayer that we get him out of here alive. The truth is, deep down, a part of me understands his plea. If I was in the same position, one leg blown off, and the other fucked up who knows how bad, I wouldn’t want to live either.
“What sort of fucking life is this? Just fucking kill me, just do it now, Carter. Please, just fucking end this for me.”
I wake with a jolt to the sound of Conner’s pleading.
Jesus fuck.
“You okay, Jesse?” my mom’s voice floats from across the room. I sit up realizing I’m not at home, but in my father’s hospital room. Shit, I must have drifted off.
“Err, yeah.” I rub at my face. “What’s the time?” I ask, looking over at my father. He hasn’t moved since I’ve been here, the machine next to him delivering enough pain relief to keep him from waking up to see me. What a waste of time.
