Desertion
Page 85
“Fuck off.” I yawn, looking up at my pissed off Prez.
“No, you fuck off. We’ve given you two weeks to sort your shit out. Liquid is falling apart without you and I’m done waiting for you to get your head right.” I hear what he says, but it doesn’t register. I don’t want it to. It’s nicer to live in a world of ignorance and not caring.
“Nix.” A familiar voice interrupts Nix’s shouting and I look up for the first time, noticing Kadence is here as well. “Can I have a minute with Jesse?”
“Kadence,” Nix begins, but I don’t hear what he says. I block the asshole out, and move my attention to his woman who I’ve come to love as a sister.
“Fine, five minutes, then I’m coming back.” Nix kicks at my leg again, bringing me out of my head.
“Yes, Nix. Five minutes,” she placates him while he pulls her into his chest and plants a kiss on her lips before stepping back.
“Don’t be a cockhead to my woman, Jesse.” He flicks my ear and my slow reflexes only react when he’s halfway across the room.
Fucker.
“Jesse? How you holding up?” Kadence comes closer, moves some things around on the coffee table and sits in front of me.
“Fine, don’t know what the big deal is. Just needed a fucking vacation, okay?” I reach past her for my beer and take a sip. Jesus, how long has this been sitting there?
“I agree. It’s been a rough few weeks.” She nods, looking around the club’s safe house. I follow her gaze and realize for the first time what a mess it is.
“What day is it?” I ask, giving up on the beer. I need to get my shit together.
“Friday.” She looks back at me and arranges her face.
“Shit.” I rub my hands down my face. “I’ve been here all week?” I ask, trying to figure out where all my days have gone.
“No, two.”
I look up. “Two weeks? Jesus.”
“Sy and Beau have been up every few days. Conner’s been in to check on you too. You don’t remember seeing them?” she asks. I shake my head. Fuck me, I really have fucking checked out.
“Jesse, this has to end. You need to get some help.” I massage my forehead, soothing away the ache that’s taken up residence inside my skull.
“I’m fine, Kadence. I fucking deal with everything on my own,” I argue, knowing I’m full of shit.
“And how is that working out for you?” She raises her brows, calling me out on my shit.
“I’m getting there,” I lie, because it’s easier than admitting the truth.
“Then why are you hiding? Why won’t you let anyone in?”
“Last time I checked, your husband sent me to exile. And I do let people in,” I scoff. Is she kidding? I might not let people see the shit I hide, but I let people in.
“I mean really let them in, Jesse. Let Bell in.”
“I don’t want to talk about Bell.” I move to stand, but my body is so fucking out of it, standing has become too hard.
“Be real with me for once, Jesse Carter. I am your friend. You helped me out when I was in a dark place before. Let me do the same for you.” I look at her, and can see I’m hurting her. It’s what I do. It’s what I’m good at, right? Hurting people.
I hold her stare for a moment, willing myself to comfort her somehow, but it becomes apparent I can’t even bring myself to do it. “You don’t think I want to?” I sit forward, resting my elbows to my knees, holding my face in my palms. “Jesus, I really wish it were that easy. This darkness is something I carry with me, Kadence,” I finally admit, allowing myself a moment of pity.
“And you always will,” she cuts in. “But there has to be a way for you to live without hurting everyone around you.”
“You don’t understand.” I attempt to stand again, needing the space. The sudden movement has my head spinning, or the room shifting, so instead of fighting it, I sit my ass back down.
“I understand a little, Jesse. You saw me at my worst. When I didn’t want to go on. Sure, maybe it was different, but I still understand the hopelessness of it.” Her voice is sweet, calming and I let her words wrap around me for a minute before looking at her.
“You spend your whole life in this darkness, Jesse, you’ll never know how much light there is around you.” Something in the sound of her voice pulls me into her comfort, showing me what I need. What I’m missing.
“You think I want to live with this kind of bitterness, with this pain?” My own words shock me so I allow myself a moment to understand what they mean.
“If you didn’t, why haven’t you tried to conquer it? No one is making you hold on to it, Jesse. You haven’t even tried to fight.”
“I spent my whole life fighting. I don’t know if I have any fight left.” My worst fear falls from my mouth, getting lost in my anger.
“So that’s it then. You lose?” Her tone shifts from understanding to disbelief. Her eyes blaze with determination.
“Yeah, I did lose, Kadence. I let it control me. It stopped me from fixing my relationship with my father. He fucking died before I pulled my head out of my ass. I push everyone away. I’m fucked up, more than you could even imagine.”
“Look at me, Jesse Carter. Yes, you have your issues. I’m not going to argue that you have some work to do, but you can’t continue to hold onto this blame. It’s only going to bring you down. Your father is gone and I’m sorry you didn’t get the peace you needed, but tearing apart your life is only going to let him win. You are not him. You are everything he could never be.” She doesn’t hold back and I realize it’s what I need. She’s right, and the more destruction I create, the more I hide from everything, the more I hurt the people I love.
“No, you fuck off. We’ve given you two weeks to sort your shit out. Liquid is falling apart without you and I’m done waiting for you to get your head right.” I hear what he says, but it doesn’t register. I don’t want it to. It’s nicer to live in a world of ignorance and not caring.
“Nix.” A familiar voice interrupts Nix’s shouting and I look up for the first time, noticing Kadence is here as well. “Can I have a minute with Jesse?”
“Kadence,” Nix begins, but I don’t hear what he says. I block the asshole out, and move my attention to his woman who I’ve come to love as a sister.
“Fine, five minutes, then I’m coming back.” Nix kicks at my leg again, bringing me out of my head.
“Yes, Nix. Five minutes,” she placates him while he pulls her into his chest and plants a kiss on her lips before stepping back.
“Don’t be a cockhead to my woman, Jesse.” He flicks my ear and my slow reflexes only react when he’s halfway across the room.
Fucker.
“Jesse? How you holding up?” Kadence comes closer, moves some things around on the coffee table and sits in front of me.
“Fine, don’t know what the big deal is. Just needed a fucking vacation, okay?” I reach past her for my beer and take a sip. Jesus, how long has this been sitting there?
“I agree. It’s been a rough few weeks.” She nods, looking around the club’s safe house. I follow her gaze and realize for the first time what a mess it is.
“What day is it?” I ask, giving up on the beer. I need to get my shit together.
“Friday.” She looks back at me and arranges her face.
“Shit.” I rub my hands down my face. “I’ve been here all week?” I ask, trying to figure out where all my days have gone.
“No, two.”
I look up. “Two weeks? Jesus.”
“Sy and Beau have been up every few days. Conner’s been in to check on you too. You don’t remember seeing them?” she asks. I shake my head. Fuck me, I really have fucking checked out.
“Jesse, this has to end. You need to get some help.” I massage my forehead, soothing away the ache that’s taken up residence inside my skull.
“I’m fine, Kadence. I fucking deal with everything on my own,” I argue, knowing I’m full of shit.
“And how is that working out for you?” She raises her brows, calling me out on my shit.
“I’m getting there,” I lie, because it’s easier than admitting the truth.
“Then why are you hiding? Why won’t you let anyone in?”
“Last time I checked, your husband sent me to exile. And I do let people in,” I scoff. Is she kidding? I might not let people see the shit I hide, but I let people in.
“I mean really let them in, Jesse. Let Bell in.”
“I don’t want to talk about Bell.” I move to stand, but my body is so fucking out of it, standing has become too hard.
“Be real with me for once, Jesse Carter. I am your friend. You helped me out when I was in a dark place before. Let me do the same for you.” I look at her, and can see I’m hurting her. It’s what I do. It’s what I’m good at, right? Hurting people.
I hold her stare for a moment, willing myself to comfort her somehow, but it becomes apparent I can’t even bring myself to do it. “You don’t think I want to?” I sit forward, resting my elbows to my knees, holding my face in my palms. “Jesus, I really wish it were that easy. This darkness is something I carry with me, Kadence,” I finally admit, allowing myself a moment of pity.
“And you always will,” she cuts in. “But there has to be a way for you to live without hurting everyone around you.”
“You don’t understand.” I attempt to stand again, needing the space. The sudden movement has my head spinning, or the room shifting, so instead of fighting it, I sit my ass back down.
“I understand a little, Jesse. You saw me at my worst. When I didn’t want to go on. Sure, maybe it was different, but I still understand the hopelessness of it.” Her voice is sweet, calming and I let her words wrap around me for a minute before looking at her.
“You spend your whole life in this darkness, Jesse, you’ll never know how much light there is around you.” Something in the sound of her voice pulls me into her comfort, showing me what I need. What I’m missing.
“You think I want to live with this kind of bitterness, with this pain?” My own words shock me so I allow myself a moment to understand what they mean.
“If you didn’t, why haven’t you tried to conquer it? No one is making you hold on to it, Jesse. You haven’t even tried to fight.”
“I spent my whole life fighting. I don’t know if I have any fight left.” My worst fear falls from my mouth, getting lost in my anger.
“So that’s it then. You lose?” Her tone shifts from understanding to disbelief. Her eyes blaze with determination.
“Yeah, I did lose, Kadence. I let it control me. It stopped me from fixing my relationship with my father. He fucking died before I pulled my head out of my ass. I push everyone away. I’m fucked up, more than you could even imagine.”
“Look at me, Jesse Carter. Yes, you have your issues. I’m not going to argue that you have some work to do, but you can’t continue to hold onto this blame. It’s only going to bring you down. Your father is gone and I’m sorry you didn’t get the peace you needed, but tearing apart your life is only going to let him win. You are not him. You are everything he could never be.” She doesn’t hold back and I realize it’s what I need. She’s right, and the more destruction I create, the more I hide from everything, the more I hurt the people I love.
