Desertion
Page 86
Fuck how could I be so clueless.
“I don’t want to be him,” I agree, needing someone to understand that.
“You’re not, never were and never will be, Jesse. You remember that and get your shit together.” She takes my hand and squeezes. The contact soothes me. Blankets my insecurity and begins to pull me out of my doubt.
“I don’t even know where to start.” I laugh a bitter laugh, not knowing how far down this rabbit hole I am.
“Well, this is why I’m here to help you. You’re going to start going back to your support groups. Start talking again. Conner’s organized an appointment for you to see someone at the VA hospital, to give you the help we can’t.” I shake my head, not sure if I can talk with anyone yet.
“Don’t argue with me, Jesse. We’re going to take baby steps. The club is awaiting your arrival home. Hell, I might even surprise you with my cooking.”
“Jesus, you’re on a mission.”
“I am if it’s going to help you, Jesse.” She stands from the coffee table and extends her hand. I think about it for a minute. I know she’s right. I need help to get me through this shit, but it doesn’t make me feel good knowing I’m gonna have to relive this shit when I bring it all up. “Come on, that’s all you need to know for now. One thing at a time and right now, you need a shower.” I look at her hand then at the house. “Come on, it’s not that bad. I’ll start cleaning. You don’t want to piss my husband off any more, do you?” She smiles down at me with an acceptance I hardly deserve.
“On a scale of one to ten, how pissed is he?” I take her hand and let her help me up.
“Jesse, I can’t even count that high. But it’s okay, because we love you. And you’re going to fix this.” She says so matter-of-factly, I want to believe her.
“And Bell?” I ask, wondering how I could possibly fix anything with her.
“Right now, I don’t know what your chances are. You messed up the most with her.” The frankness of her words is like a slap in the face.
“I fucking love her, Kadence, and still managed to hurt her the most.” I shake my head, wishing I could take it all back.
“Jesse, we always hurt the ones we love, but what hurts more, is being loved by those who we hurt. She still loves you. It’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do with that love.” She steps forward and wraps her arms around my waist. “But to make it simple for you, you should just let her love you,” she whispers, laying it out.
“You’re cute when you’re smart.” An undertone of teasing slips past my lips, my attempt to lighten the mood.
“Don’t lay it on me, Jesse Carter.” She laughs, steps back and smacks at my chest.
“Don’t fuckin’ flirt with my woman, fucker. Why are you still not in the shower?” Nix walks back in, breaking our moment.
“Yeah, yeah, asshole. I’m going.” I wave him off, kiss Kadence on the cheek, and then head toward the bathroom.
Before I leave I stop and turn back. “Thank you.” I wait for them to look up. “I know I fucked up, but thanks for not walking out on me.”
“We’re family, Jesse. As much as you’re a pain in my ass, we stick together. Don’t forget it. Now for the love of God, get in the fucking shower.” Nix throws a shirt at my head. Catching it, I turn, knowing he’s right. We’re family. Not by blood but by love. And sometimes those families are stronger.
“Look what the cat dragged in.” Conner’s grin spreads wide as I walk into the rehabilitation center a week later.
“Not you too.” I roll my eyes at his choice of words, but don’t say anything else. I’ve been hearing it since I’ve been back. Small jabs from my brothers. Pissed off glances from Jackson. And unspoken words shared between everyone around me. To say it’s been a long week would be an understatement.
“How you been, brother?” He turns, steps forward and extends his good arm out to me.
“Better than before.” I reach forward and take his hand in mine. I knew out of everyone Conner would be the most welcoming.
“How’s it going with you? New leg settling in okay?” I look down at his new prosthetic, and berate myself for not checking in enough.
“Yeah, much better fit. Hopefully, this was the last round of surgery.” He shrugs, still not letting it get him down. “How about you, how you coping?”
“Getting there, just one day at a time, you know?” Ever since I got back last week, I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things. The club had a dinner and I was able to talk to everyone. Made sure they knew I was getting my shit together. Sure they were pissed at some things I’d done, but in the end, they had my back. “Between club shit, Liquid, and my brothers, things have been a blur.”
“You spoken to Bell yet?”
I look up at her name but shake my head. “Not yet. Working up to that one.” The truth is I’m not even sure what to do about Bell. It’s been almost three weeks since we’ve spoken. I’ve wanted to call every day I’ve been back, but something is still holding me back.
“Good plan. A woman like Bell deserves more from you, Jesse.”
“What would you know about women, asshole,” I joke, but falter when I see his smile thin out.
“I know you had a good one. Know you lost her too. Also know she deserves more, Jesse. This guilt bullshit, it’s gotta end if you want a life with her.”
“I don’t want to be him,” I agree, needing someone to understand that.
“You’re not, never were and never will be, Jesse. You remember that and get your shit together.” She takes my hand and squeezes. The contact soothes me. Blankets my insecurity and begins to pull me out of my doubt.
“I don’t even know where to start.” I laugh a bitter laugh, not knowing how far down this rabbit hole I am.
“Well, this is why I’m here to help you. You’re going to start going back to your support groups. Start talking again. Conner’s organized an appointment for you to see someone at the VA hospital, to give you the help we can’t.” I shake my head, not sure if I can talk with anyone yet.
“Don’t argue with me, Jesse. We’re going to take baby steps. The club is awaiting your arrival home. Hell, I might even surprise you with my cooking.”
“Jesus, you’re on a mission.”
“I am if it’s going to help you, Jesse.” She stands from the coffee table and extends her hand. I think about it for a minute. I know she’s right. I need help to get me through this shit, but it doesn’t make me feel good knowing I’m gonna have to relive this shit when I bring it all up. “Come on, that’s all you need to know for now. One thing at a time and right now, you need a shower.” I look at her hand then at the house. “Come on, it’s not that bad. I’ll start cleaning. You don’t want to piss my husband off any more, do you?” She smiles down at me with an acceptance I hardly deserve.
“On a scale of one to ten, how pissed is he?” I take her hand and let her help me up.
“Jesse, I can’t even count that high. But it’s okay, because we love you. And you’re going to fix this.” She says so matter-of-factly, I want to believe her.
“And Bell?” I ask, wondering how I could possibly fix anything with her.
“Right now, I don’t know what your chances are. You messed up the most with her.” The frankness of her words is like a slap in the face.
“I fucking love her, Kadence, and still managed to hurt her the most.” I shake my head, wishing I could take it all back.
“Jesse, we always hurt the ones we love, but what hurts more, is being loved by those who we hurt. She still loves you. It’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do with that love.” She steps forward and wraps her arms around my waist. “But to make it simple for you, you should just let her love you,” she whispers, laying it out.
“You’re cute when you’re smart.” An undertone of teasing slips past my lips, my attempt to lighten the mood.
“Don’t lay it on me, Jesse Carter.” She laughs, steps back and smacks at my chest.
“Don’t fuckin’ flirt with my woman, fucker. Why are you still not in the shower?” Nix walks back in, breaking our moment.
“Yeah, yeah, asshole. I’m going.” I wave him off, kiss Kadence on the cheek, and then head toward the bathroom.
Before I leave I stop and turn back. “Thank you.” I wait for them to look up. “I know I fucked up, but thanks for not walking out on me.”
“We’re family, Jesse. As much as you’re a pain in my ass, we stick together. Don’t forget it. Now for the love of God, get in the fucking shower.” Nix throws a shirt at my head. Catching it, I turn, knowing he’s right. We’re family. Not by blood but by love. And sometimes those families are stronger.
“Look what the cat dragged in.” Conner’s grin spreads wide as I walk into the rehabilitation center a week later.
“Not you too.” I roll my eyes at his choice of words, but don’t say anything else. I’ve been hearing it since I’ve been back. Small jabs from my brothers. Pissed off glances from Jackson. And unspoken words shared between everyone around me. To say it’s been a long week would be an understatement.
“How you been, brother?” He turns, steps forward and extends his good arm out to me.
“Better than before.” I reach forward and take his hand in mine. I knew out of everyone Conner would be the most welcoming.
“How’s it going with you? New leg settling in okay?” I look down at his new prosthetic, and berate myself for not checking in enough.
“Yeah, much better fit. Hopefully, this was the last round of surgery.” He shrugs, still not letting it get him down. “How about you, how you coping?”
“Getting there, just one day at a time, you know?” Ever since I got back last week, I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things. The club had a dinner and I was able to talk to everyone. Made sure they knew I was getting my shit together. Sure they were pissed at some things I’d done, but in the end, they had my back. “Between club shit, Liquid, and my brothers, things have been a blur.”
“You spoken to Bell yet?”
I look up at her name but shake my head. “Not yet. Working up to that one.” The truth is I’m not even sure what to do about Bell. It’s been almost three weeks since we’ve spoken. I’ve wanted to call every day I’ve been back, but something is still holding me back.
“Good plan. A woman like Bell deserves more from you, Jesse.”
“What would you know about women, asshole,” I joke, but falter when I see his smile thin out.
“I know you had a good one. Know you lost her too. Also know she deserves more, Jesse. This guilt bullshit, it’s gotta end if you want a life with her.”
