If I Die
Page 11
I had a million other questions, but his answers wouldnt help me. They probably wouldnt even be relevant, because my death wouldnt mirror his, or anyone elses. I was on my own, in death. I knew that, if little else.
Kaylee? Tod said, as I turned the corner into my neighborhood.
Yeah? I was hardly listening now, lost in my own thoughts, and the effort not to think them.
Im scared now.
Something in his voice made me look at him, in the fading glow from a passing streetlight. Then something in his eyes made me pull over, two streets from home, in front of a house I didnt recognize.
Why are you scared? I asked, and suddenly the night seemed so quiet, beyond the soft rumble of the engine.
Because I cant fix this. He swallowed thickly, one hand braced on the dashboard. Theres nothing I can do, and thats hardly ever true for me, and I hate how helpless and useless it makes me feel. But at the same time, that makes me feel human, and I havent felt human much lately, either.
Because Addisons gone?
He nodded slowly, like there was more to it than that, but he wasnt ready to elaborate. I did everything I could for her, but sometimes everything you can do isnt enough, and you just have tolet go.
Im not ready to let go of life, I whispered.
Im not eitherfor you or for me. But knowing I have no power over death this time makes me feel terribly, wonderfully normal. And some deep part of me likes that. And that scares me.
I blinked, trying to make sense of the tangle of words that had just tumbled from his mouth. You hate feeling useless, but you like that feeling useless makes you feel human? I asked, fairly certain Id missed something.
Tod thought about that for a second, then nodded. Yeah. Does that make any sense?
I could only shrug. Right now, nothing makes much sense to me, so I may not be the best judge. I stared at my hands, tense around the wheel. I dont expect you to fix this, Tod. It doesnt make any sense for you to put your job and thus his afterlife in danger, when Im going to die no matter what you do.
Kaylee he said, but I interrupted, determined to have my say.
I heard what you said earlier. And I totally respect the no second exchanges policy. Even if it killed the only ray of hope trying to shine on what remained of my life so far. But my dad doesnt. I need you to promise me that you wont let him trade. Because hes going to try. And if you let him, I swear Ill haunt your afterlife for all of mine.
Its not going to be an issue,Tod assured me. Hell never even see your reaper. No dark reaper worth his job would ever appear to a grieving relative.
Good. At least I could stop worrying about that part of it.
I shifted into Drive again, and Tods hand landed on mine, still on the gearshift. Kaylee, he said, and I turned to meet his gaze. If there was anything I could do, I would do it.
I know. And in that moment, that was about all I knew.
Styx lifted her head from Nashs lap when I opened the front door. Some guard dog. But then, she was supposed to guard me from hellion possession, not boyfriends Id forgotten about. He stood, and Styx hopped down from the couch and trotted toward me, half Pomeranian, half Netherworldsomething or other. And all mine. Wed bonded while she was an infantshe wasnt much more than that nowand she would obey no one elses orders until the day I died.
Which had seemed like a much better deal, a couple of hours earlier.
Hey, I said, and Nash folded me into a hug so tight, so desperate that I couldnt breathe.
Are you okay? He finally let me go, but only to stare into my eyes, looking for more than he should have been able to see there.
They told you? I bent to pick up Styx, petting her frizzy fur out of habit.
I thought youd want us to, my dad said, and I looked up to find him in the kitchen doorway, cradling a steaming mug of coffee, in spite of the late hour.
Did I? Did I want Nash to know? There was nothing he could do, and I couldnt imagine keeping a secret that big from him. But now he was looking at me like I would break if he so much as breathed on me. Like I was fragile and must be protected.
Yeah. Thanks, I said, to keep from hurting my dads feelings.
The front door closed at my back, and I turned to thank Tod for bringing my phonebut he was gone.
You hungry? my dad asked, and I could only stare at him for a moment, until I understood what he was doing. He was taking care of me, the only way he knew how. He couldnt save my lifenot this timebut he could solve my hunger.
No. Thanks, though. I set Styx down, and she hopped onto my dads chair and stared out at the room, on alert from this new height.
No popcorn for the movie?
Im not really in the mood for a movie anymore. A sappy tearjerker just wasnt a good way to follow the news that youre going to die. I think were just going to hang out in my room. I tugged Nash toward the hall and he came willingly, but looked like he couldnt decide whether Id just come to my senses or lost them completely.
Kaylee? Tod said, as I turned the corner into my neighborhood.
Yeah? I was hardly listening now, lost in my own thoughts, and the effort not to think them.
Im scared now.
Something in his voice made me look at him, in the fading glow from a passing streetlight. Then something in his eyes made me pull over, two streets from home, in front of a house I didnt recognize.
Why are you scared? I asked, and suddenly the night seemed so quiet, beyond the soft rumble of the engine.
Because I cant fix this. He swallowed thickly, one hand braced on the dashboard. Theres nothing I can do, and thats hardly ever true for me, and I hate how helpless and useless it makes me feel. But at the same time, that makes me feel human, and I havent felt human much lately, either.
Because Addisons gone?
He nodded slowly, like there was more to it than that, but he wasnt ready to elaborate. I did everything I could for her, but sometimes everything you can do isnt enough, and you just have tolet go.
Im not ready to let go of life, I whispered.
Im not eitherfor you or for me. But knowing I have no power over death this time makes me feel terribly, wonderfully normal. And some deep part of me likes that. And that scares me.
I blinked, trying to make sense of the tangle of words that had just tumbled from his mouth. You hate feeling useless, but you like that feeling useless makes you feel human? I asked, fairly certain Id missed something.
Tod thought about that for a second, then nodded. Yeah. Does that make any sense?
I could only shrug. Right now, nothing makes much sense to me, so I may not be the best judge. I stared at my hands, tense around the wheel. I dont expect you to fix this, Tod. It doesnt make any sense for you to put your job and thus his afterlife in danger, when Im going to die no matter what you do.
Kaylee he said, but I interrupted, determined to have my say.
I heard what you said earlier. And I totally respect the no second exchanges policy. Even if it killed the only ray of hope trying to shine on what remained of my life so far. But my dad doesnt. I need you to promise me that you wont let him trade. Because hes going to try. And if you let him, I swear Ill haunt your afterlife for all of mine.
Its not going to be an issue,Tod assured me. Hell never even see your reaper. No dark reaper worth his job would ever appear to a grieving relative.
Good. At least I could stop worrying about that part of it.
I shifted into Drive again, and Tods hand landed on mine, still on the gearshift. Kaylee, he said, and I turned to meet his gaze. If there was anything I could do, I would do it.
I know. And in that moment, that was about all I knew.
Styx lifted her head from Nashs lap when I opened the front door. Some guard dog. But then, she was supposed to guard me from hellion possession, not boyfriends Id forgotten about. He stood, and Styx hopped down from the couch and trotted toward me, half Pomeranian, half Netherworldsomething or other. And all mine. Wed bonded while she was an infantshe wasnt much more than that nowand she would obey no one elses orders until the day I died.
Which had seemed like a much better deal, a couple of hours earlier.
Hey, I said, and Nash folded me into a hug so tight, so desperate that I couldnt breathe.
Are you okay? He finally let me go, but only to stare into my eyes, looking for more than he should have been able to see there.
They told you? I bent to pick up Styx, petting her frizzy fur out of habit.
I thought youd want us to, my dad said, and I looked up to find him in the kitchen doorway, cradling a steaming mug of coffee, in spite of the late hour.
Did I? Did I want Nash to know? There was nothing he could do, and I couldnt imagine keeping a secret that big from him. But now he was looking at me like I would break if he so much as breathed on me. Like I was fragile and must be protected.
Yeah. Thanks, I said, to keep from hurting my dads feelings.
The front door closed at my back, and I turned to thank Tod for bringing my phonebut he was gone.
You hungry? my dad asked, and I could only stare at him for a moment, until I understood what he was doing. He was taking care of me, the only way he knew how. He couldnt save my lifenot this timebut he could solve my hunger.
No. Thanks, though. I set Styx down, and she hopped onto my dads chair and stared out at the room, on alert from this new height.
No popcorn for the movie?
Im not really in the mood for a movie anymore. A sappy tearjerker just wasnt a good way to follow the news that youre going to die. I think were just going to hang out in my room. I tugged Nash toward the hall and he came willingly, but looked like he couldnt decide whether Id just come to my senses or lost them completely.
