If I Die
Page 12
Leave the door open, my dad said, the second most common warning in his arsenal. Right behind, Nash, go home.
I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. I had six days to live, and he was worried about an unsupervised visit with my boyfriend?
I dropped Nashs hand and crossed my arms over my chest, trying to figure out how best to say what needed to be said. Dad, this is no slight against your parenting skills, which are seriously formidable. No worries there. But Ive only got six days to live. Im never going to turn eighteen. Im never even going to turn seventeen. The only part of my adult life Im going to get to experience is the part I can claim in the next week. So Id kinda like to spend these next six daysmy last six daysas an emancipated minor. Or at least an honorary adult.
Kaylee His voice was deep with warning, yet a little unsteady.
Im not talking about moving out, Dad, I insisted, hoping to avoid a parental meltdownI really didnt want his last memories of me to include a temper tantrum. Im just saying I dont want to spend my last week on earth following a bunch of rules that dont even really apply to me anymore. I mean, would you tell an eighty-year-old woman with terminal cancer to leave her door open?
Youre not going to die, Kaylee. My dad was scowling now, his arms crossed to mirror my own.
I lifted both brows in challenge. You know somethin I dont?
I know Im going to find a way around this, and were going to laugh about it when youre a very old woman. And yes, if youre still living here when youre eighty, I will damn well tell you to leave the door open.
My chest ached fiercely and I had to swallow to speak past the lump in my throat. I tell you whatif Im still alive on Friday morning, you can consider me happily un-emancipated.
My dads frown deepened and his irises churned slowly in a rare display of fear and frustration, but he didnt object when I tugged Nash down the hall and into my room. Where I closed the door behind us. Then had to open it again to let Styx in.
Nash sank into my desk chair looking up at me, and though his irises held steadyobviously a strugglehis eyes wereshiny. Whyd you let your dad tell me? Why didnt you tell me yourself?
I blinked, surprised by the amount of pain in his voice. He beat me to it. I would have told you. But Id needed some time to process the information myself before I had to consider anyone elses reaction.
This is messed up, Kaylee. He pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around my waist, clutching the back of my shirt, his face pressed into my stomach. Scott, and Doug, and now you Why is everyone leaving me? What the hell am I going to do without you?
He was going to leanon his mom, and Tod. And Sabine. The three of them would do anything to protect Nash, and theyd be there for him when I couldnt be. I was much more worried about my father.
Dont think about that right now, I said, talking to myself as much as to Nash. I stepped back so that he had to look up at me. Think about all the privacy I just bought us. Too bad I waited until the week Im gonna die to join the teenage resistance, huh?
Thats not funny. Nash frowned as I sat on the edge of the bed.
I wasnt joking.
Your dad thinks he can stop it.
Yeah, well, Tod says he cant. I leaned back on the bed and let my legs dangle over the side while I studied my ceiling. How had I never noticed that crack, directly over my pillow? How often had I stared at that very spot and never noticed it?
Nash swiveled toward me and the chair creaked. And you believe him over your dad?
Do I believe the reaper with insiders knowledge on how death works over the desperate bean sidhe? Yeah. I do.
Why are you acting like this? he demanded, walking the rolling chair forward until his knees hit the mattress.
I rolled onto my side to watch him. My expiration date didnt come with instructions. What am I supposed to be acting like?
Nash sighed and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. I just dont understand how you can take this so lightly.
What do you want me to do, slap on some black eye shadow and host my own wake? Im gonna die, Nash. Theres nothing anyone can do to stop that. But Ive got six days left, and I dont want to spend them thinking about how its all gonna end.
I sat up on the bed and studied him, trying to see him like I had six months earlier, when wed first started going out. Before hed betrayed me to feed an addiction to Demons Breath that was my fault in the first place. Id spent the past month and a half learning to trust him againletting him convince me that was possiblebut now I was out of time. As with everything really good in life, Id have to either jump in headfirst, or not at all.
What? Nash said when I just stared at him, thinking. Wondering if I could really go through with the idea taking root in my brain. Or maybe someplace a little lower. You better not be thinking something stupid, like breaking up with me now will make next Thursday easier for me.
Nash, if I thought there was any way to make my death easier for you, we wouldnt be together in the first place. I just I dont want to dwell on all the things Im not gonna get to do. I took a deep breath and ignored my racing pulse. I couldnt choose when or how my life ended, but I could choose how I spent what time I had left.
I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. I had six days to live, and he was worried about an unsupervised visit with my boyfriend?
I dropped Nashs hand and crossed my arms over my chest, trying to figure out how best to say what needed to be said. Dad, this is no slight against your parenting skills, which are seriously formidable. No worries there. But Ive only got six days to live. Im never going to turn eighteen. Im never even going to turn seventeen. The only part of my adult life Im going to get to experience is the part I can claim in the next week. So Id kinda like to spend these next six daysmy last six daysas an emancipated minor. Or at least an honorary adult.
Kaylee His voice was deep with warning, yet a little unsteady.
Im not talking about moving out, Dad, I insisted, hoping to avoid a parental meltdownI really didnt want his last memories of me to include a temper tantrum. Im just saying I dont want to spend my last week on earth following a bunch of rules that dont even really apply to me anymore. I mean, would you tell an eighty-year-old woman with terminal cancer to leave her door open?
Youre not going to die, Kaylee. My dad was scowling now, his arms crossed to mirror my own.
I lifted both brows in challenge. You know somethin I dont?
I know Im going to find a way around this, and were going to laugh about it when youre a very old woman. And yes, if youre still living here when youre eighty, I will damn well tell you to leave the door open.
My chest ached fiercely and I had to swallow to speak past the lump in my throat. I tell you whatif Im still alive on Friday morning, you can consider me happily un-emancipated.
My dads frown deepened and his irises churned slowly in a rare display of fear and frustration, but he didnt object when I tugged Nash down the hall and into my room. Where I closed the door behind us. Then had to open it again to let Styx in.
Nash sank into my desk chair looking up at me, and though his irises held steadyobviously a strugglehis eyes wereshiny. Whyd you let your dad tell me? Why didnt you tell me yourself?
I blinked, surprised by the amount of pain in his voice. He beat me to it. I would have told you. But Id needed some time to process the information myself before I had to consider anyone elses reaction.
This is messed up, Kaylee. He pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around my waist, clutching the back of my shirt, his face pressed into my stomach. Scott, and Doug, and now you Why is everyone leaving me? What the hell am I going to do without you?
He was going to leanon his mom, and Tod. And Sabine. The three of them would do anything to protect Nash, and theyd be there for him when I couldnt be. I was much more worried about my father.
Dont think about that right now, I said, talking to myself as much as to Nash. I stepped back so that he had to look up at me. Think about all the privacy I just bought us. Too bad I waited until the week Im gonna die to join the teenage resistance, huh?
Thats not funny. Nash frowned as I sat on the edge of the bed.
I wasnt joking.
Your dad thinks he can stop it.
Yeah, well, Tod says he cant. I leaned back on the bed and let my legs dangle over the side while I studied my ceiling. How had I never noticed that crack, directly over my pillow? How often had I stared at that very spot and never noticed it?
Nash swiveled toward me and the chair creaked. And you believe him over your dad?
Do I believe the reaper with insiders knowledge on how death works over the desperate bean sidhe? Yeah. I do.
Why are you acting like this? he demanded, walking the rolling chair forward until his knees hit the mattress.
I rolled onto my side to watch him. My expiration date didnt come with instructions. What am I supposed to be acting like?
Nash sighed and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. I just dont understand how you can take this so lightly.
What do you want me to do, slap on some black eye shadow and host my own wake? Im gonna die, Nash. Theres nothing anyone can do to stop that. But Ive got six days left, and I dont want to spend them thinking about how its all gonna end.
I sat up on the bed and studied him, trying to see him like I had six months earlier, when wed first started going out. Before hed betrayed me to feed an addiction to Demons Breath that was my fault in the first place. Id spent the past month and a half learning to trust him againletting him convince me that was possiblebut now I was out of time. As with everything really good in life, Id have to either jump in headfirst, or not at all.
What? Nash said when I just stared at him, thinking. Wondering if I could really go through with the idea taking root in my brain. Or maybe someplace a little lower. You better not be thinking something stupid, like breaking up with me now will make next Thursday easier for me.
Nash, if I thought there was any way to make my death easier for you, we wouldnt be together in the first place. I just I dont want to dwell on all the things Im not gonna get to do. I took a deep breath and ignored my racing pulse. I couldnt choose when or how my life ended, but I could choose how I spent what time I had left.
