If I Die
Page 19
The opportunity came up kind of fast.
What aspect of our relationship made you think Id give you advice on sleeping with Nash?
We have a truce! I fell back on the couch in exasperation.
I said I wouldnt get in your wayI never said Id help.
Please, Sabine. Youre going to have him for the rest of your life, but I may only get this one shot. When that didnt work, I sighed and tried from another angle. You were right. I dont know what Im doing. Please help me. Even I could hear the anxiety in my voice, so I wasnt surprised when Sabine laughed.
Okay, she said, and suspicion lingered on the edge of my mind. Why would she agree so easily? But first, breathe, Kaylee. Hes not even in the room yet, and you sound like youre about to pass out.
Thats your fault. I sucked in a deep breath and held it for a couple of seconds. You told me I wouldnt be any good.
Yeah, and I also told you it wouldnt matter.
But it would. I stretched out on the couch with my eyes still covered. Look, I dont have time to get good at this and Id like to avoid humiliating myself. Just this once. Are you going to answer my questions, or do I need to go create the most embarrassing Google search history known to woman-kind? Not that there was time for that anymore.
Fine. I could practically see her pouting, in my head. What do you want to know?
Another deep breath. Dont laugh, butwhat am I supposed to do?
Sabine didnt laugh, and I almost died of shock. Anything, she said. Nothing. Whatever feels right.
Thats a nonanswer. And it only made me more nervous.
The mara sighed. Its the truth. If you dont know what to do, dont worry about it. Nash knows what hes doing. Trust me.
My stomach clenched around my ice-cream breakfast. Could you please not remind me of the two of you together?
Whos asking who for help here?
I was regretting asking already. But there was no one else. What about my hands? What do I do with them?
That time Sabine laughed, but she sounded genuinely amused, not cruel. It was a niceif suspiciouschange. Touchwhatever you want to touch.
I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut tighter. Anything more specific?
Use your imagination. But really, you cant go wrong. Hes going to want you to touch him. I started to ask another question, but she spoke again before I could. Fortunately for you, the process is kind of foolproof, Kaylee. The basics,anyway. People have been doing it since the beginning of timewith no instructions. Just keep it simple. Right. Simple.
Do you know how the French describe an orgasm? Sabine asked, and the familiar edge of mischief in her voice was almost a relief.
How the hell would I know that? Sexual euphemisms werent covered by Mrs. Browns French II class syllabus.
They call it la petite mort. The little death. I think theres irony in there somewhere. At least for you.
Wow. Thanks for that, I snapped. I love being reminded that Im about to die.
She exhaled heavily. You know how much this sucks for me, right? I have one thing with Nash that he doesnt have with you. One thing. And you just called me for advice about how best to take that away from me. If we hadnt just called a truce, Id think you were finally learning how to play the game.
Im not But before I could finish insisting that I hadnt meant to rub it in her face, Nash knocked on the door, and I stood so fast my head spun. Hes here. Gotta go.
Swell, Sabine said, and her voice cracked a little on that one syllable. But call Emma when you want to talk about it afterward. Im not that kind of friend. She hung up and I slid my phone into my pocket. Then I wiped sweat from my palms onto my jeans and opened the door.
Nash stood on the porch, smiling. Waiting.
His smile slipped a little when he saw my face, and a thread of doubt swirled through his eyes before he could squelch it. Are you sure about this?
Yeah. I grinned nervously. Yes. Come in. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the house without stepping back, so that he was pressed against me when I swung the door shut. I want this. Its now or never.
Me, too. You have no idea how badly I want this. Nash kissed me, and I forgot to be nervous. I forgot about everything except him, and the heat between us, and everything that had seemed forbidden before but was now suddenly available, and irresistible, andright in front of me.
I backed slowly across the living room, still kissing Nash. Breathing him. Tasting him. I let him guide us through the doorway and down the hall, one hand around my waist while mine slid around his neck. I clung to him like the safety bar on a roller coaster, hurtling down the track fast enough to steal my breath and scatter my doubts. And that was the whole point, right? To put aside fear and let myself feel something, before Id lost that chance.
When we crossed into my roomI knew by the change in light and the feel of carpet beneath my toesI pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor.
What aspect of our relationship made you think Id give you advice on sleeping with Nash?
We have a truce! I fell back on the couch in exasperation.
I said I wouldnt get in your wayI never said Id help.
Please, Sabine. Youre going to have him for the rest of your life, but I may only get this one shot. When that didnt work, I sighed and tried from another angle. You were right. I dont know what Im doing. Please help me. Even I could hear the anxiety in my voice, so I wasnt surprised when Sabine laughed.
Okay, she said, and suspicion lingered on the edge of my mind. Why would she agree so easily? But first, breathe, Kaylee. Hes not even in the room yet, and you sound like youre about to pass out.
Thats your fault. I sucked in a deep breath and held it for a couple of seconds. You told me I wouldnt be any good.
Yeah, and I also told you it wouldnt matter.
But it would. I stretched out on the couch with my eyes still covered. Look, I dont have time to get good at this and Id like to avoid humiliating myself. Just this once. Are you going to answer my questions, or do I need to go create the most embarrassing Google search history known to woman-kind? Not that there was time for that anymore.
Fine. I could practically see her pouting, in my head. What do you want to know?
Another deep breath. Dont laugh, butwhat am I supposed to do?
Sabine didnt laugh, and I almost died of shock. Anything, she said. Nothing. Whatever feels right.
Thats a nonanswer. And it only made me more nervous.
The mara sighed. Its the truth. If you dont know what to do, dont worry about it. Nash knows what hes doing. Trust me.
My stomach clenched around my ice-cream breakfast. Could you please not remind me of the two of you together?
Whos asking who for help here?
I was regretting asking already. But there was no one else. What about my hands? What do I do with them?
That time Sabine laughed, but she sounded genuinely amused, not cruel. It was a niceif suspiciouschange. Touchwhatever you want to touch.
I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut tighter. Anything more specific?
Use your imagination. But really, you cant go wrong. Hes going to want you to touch him. I started to ask another question, but she spoke again before I could. Fortunately for you, the process is kind of foolproof, Kaylee. The basics,anyway. People have been doing it since the beginning of timewith no instructions. Just keep it simple. Right. Simple.
Do you know how the French describe an orgasm? Sabine asked, and the familiar edge of mischief in her voice was almost a relief.
How the hell would I know that? Sexual euphemisms werent covered by Mrs. Browns French II class syllabus.
They call it la petite mort. The little death. I think theres irony in there somewhere. At least for you.
Wow. Thanks for that, I snapped. I love being reminded that Im about to die.
She exhaled heavily. You know how much this sucks for me, right? I have one thing with Nash that he doesnt have with you. One thing. And you just called me for advice about how best to take that away from me. If we hadnt just called a truce, Id think you were finally learning how to play the game.
Im not But before I could finish insisting that I hadnt meant to rub it in her face, Nash knocked on the door, and I stood so fast my head spun. Hes here. Gotta go.
Swell, Sabine said, and her voice cracked a little on that one syllable. But call Emma when you want to talk about it afterward. Im not that kind of friend. She hung up and I slid my phone into my pocket. Then I wiped sweat from my palms onto my jeans and opened the door.
Nash stood on the porch, smiling. Waiting.
His smile slipped a little when he saw my face, and a thread of doubt swirled through his eyes before he could squelch it. Are you sure about this?
Yeah. I grinned nervously. Yes. Come in. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the house without stepping back, so that he was pressed against me when I swung the door shut. I want this. Its now or never.
Me, too. You have no idea how badly I want this. Nash kissed me, and I forgot to be nervous. I forgot about everything except him, and the heat between us, and everything that had seemed forbidden before but was now suddenly available, and irresistible, andright in front of me.
I backed slowly across the living room, still kissing Nash. Breathing him. Tasting him. I let him guide us through the doorway and down the hall, one hand around my waist while mine slid around his neck. I clung to him like the safety bar on a roller coaster, hurtling down the track fast enough to steal my breath and scatter my doubts. And that was the whole point, right? To put aside fear and let myself feel something, before Id lost that chance.
When we crossed into my roomI knew by the change in light and the feel of carpet beneath my toesI pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor.
